Codependence

• Recovery

Denial Patterns

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

• I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment.

I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.

• I embrace my feelings as being valid and important. I am truthful with myself.

I perceive myself as being completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

• I keep the focus on my own well-being. I know the difference between caring and caretaking.

Low Self-Esteem Patterns

I have difficulty making decisions.

• I trust my ability to make effective decisions.

I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never “good enough.”

• I accept myself as I am. I emphasize progress over perfection.

I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.

• I feel appropriately worthy of the recognition, praise, or gifts I receive

I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.

• I meet my own needs and wants when possible. I reach out for help when it’s necessary and appropriate.

I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.

• I have confidence in myself. I no longer seek others’ approval of my thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

• I recognize myself as being a lovable and valuable person.

Compliance Patterns

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.

• I am rooted in my own values, even if others don’t agree or become angry.

I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.

• I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others.

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

• I am committed to my safety and recovery work. I leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals.

I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.

• I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately.

I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.

• I consider my own interests first when asked to participate in another’s plans.

I accept sex when I want love.

• My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. I know the difference between lust and love.

Control Patterns

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

• I realize that, with rare exceptions, other adults are capable of managing their own lives. My job is to let them.

I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.

• I accept and value the differing thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others.

I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

• I feel comfortable when I see others take care of themselves.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

• I am a compassionate and empathic listener, giving advice only if directly asked.

I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

• I carefully and honestly contemplate my motivations when preparing to give a gift.

I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

• I feel loved and accepted for myself, just the way I am.

I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

• I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance.

[Recovery Patterns of Codependence is reprinted from the website www.CoDA.org with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA, Inc). Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA, Inc. agrees with the views expressed herein. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.]

Copyright © 1998 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Incorporated and its licensors – All Rights Reserved

Post from: Blisstree

Recovery Patterns of Codependence

Here is a way out…

Gam-Anon

“The self-help organization of Gam-Anon is a life saving instrument for the spouse, family or close friends of compulsive gamblers. We come into the group feeling alone, frightened, helpless, desperate and ashamed. We hesitated to share problems and failures, fearing none could understand. The Gam-Anon group is warmly accepting and it offers the new member identification. The message we receive is: “Come join with us, we too were alone, afraid and unable to cope with the problem; we will share with you a new and fulfilling way of life”. Gam-Anon’s purposes are three-fold: To learn acceptance and understanding of the gambling illness; to use the program and its problem solving suggestions as aids in rebuilding our lives and, upon our own recovery, to give assistance to those who suffer.”

Here is a meeting list (and a few hotline phone numbers) for Gam-Anon.

Here is help for you if you are a gambler who is out of control – Gamblers Anonymous.

Post from: Blisstree

Gam-Anon

Referencing comments from the crosstalk topic and conference approved literature, there is a quote from one of my older posts that Glenn C. put together at Hindsfoot;

“I am trying to avoid sounding overdramatic about this issue, but an A.A. which no longer follows the traditional A.A. program laid down by the good old-timers, will lose its heart and spirit, and its power to transform human lives and lift lost souls out of the miry pit where they had lain them down to die. The good old-timers took what they received from God and passed it on to us. We in turn must take their message and pass it on to the next generation of newcomers, or we will have failed to carry out the task which God assigned us.

How could it conceivably be “against the rules” in A.A. to read what these good old-timers wrote, and the books that they advised newcomers to read? Let’s start using some simple common sense. The authentic tradition of the good old-timers — the ones who were proved to be channels of grace by the hundreds of lives they saved — is the most accurate touchstone we possess for judging the worth of our message and our practices today.”

I trust what those old bast**ds gave me because it has worked for almost 19 years. Someone with 25 years may see it differently and that might be okay except that their concerns seemed to have been based in unfounded fears (my perception of someone else’s perception).

I can’t apologize for what I believe in and has saved my life and probably my soul, so I won’t. I will not allow myself to be a part of the removal of AA’s heart and soul because I refused to use simple common sense. And I will continue to champion what I was taught, what was unconditionally passed on to me.

Post from: Blisstree

Heart and Spirit

The Tablemate was an early A.A. set of beginners lessons entitled ‘Alcoholics Anonymous: An Interpretation of the Twelve Steps,’ put out in the form of a little pamphlet. It was (and still is) the most successful set of A.A. beginners lessons ever devised.

And I’m drawing content from the Hindsfoot site, laboriously prepared by Glenn C. and others… We moved into Discussion No. 3: Inventory and Restitution Part I then Inventory and Restitution Part II, Inventory and Restitution Part III, and now, Discussion No. 4 – Active Work.

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Step No. 12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

This step logically separates into three parts:

1. The Spiritual Experience

The terms “spiritual experience” and “spiritual awakening” used here and in the book Alcoholics Anonymous mean (upon careful reading)

that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself among us in many forms.

Do NOT get the impression that these personality changes or spiritual experiences must be in the nature of sudden and spectacular upheavals. Happily for everyone, this conclusion is erroneous. Among our rapidly growing membership of thousands of alcoholics such transformations, though frequent, are by no means the rule.

Most of our experiences are what psychologist William James calls “the educational variety” because they develop slowly over a period of time.

Quite often friends of the newcomer are aware of the difference long before he is himself. The new man gradually realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life – - that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline. With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves.

Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problem in the light of our experience can recover provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts. He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial.

We find that no one need have difficulty with the spiritual side of the program. Willingness, Honesty, and Open-Mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.

2. Carry the Message to Others

This means exactly what it says. Carry the message actively. Bring it to the man who needs it. We do it in many ways:

1. By attending every meeting of our own group.
2. By making calls when asked.
3. By speaking at group meetings when asked.
4. By supporting our group financially to make group meetings possible.
5. By assisting at meetings when asked.
6. By setting a good example of complete sobriety.
7. By owning, and loaning to new men, our own copy of the Big A.A. Book.
8. By encouraging those who find the way difficult.
9. By serving as an officer or on group committees or special assignments when asked.
10. By doing all of the foregoing cheerfully and willingly.
11. We do any or all of the foregoing at some sacrifice to ourselves with definite thought of developing unselfishness in our own character.

3. We Practice These Principles in All Our Affairs

This last part of the Twelfth Step is the real purpose that all of the twelve steps lead to – - a new way of life, a design for living. It shows how to live rightly, think rightly and to achieve happiness. How do we go about it?

1. We resolve to live our life one day at a time – - just twenty-four hours.
2. We pray each day for guidance that day.
3. We pray each night – - thanks for that day.
4. We resolve to keep our heads and to forego any anger, no matter what situation arises.
5. We are patient.
6. We keep calm, relaxed.
7. Now and most important: whatever little ordinary situations as well as big situations arise, we look at them calmly and fairly, with an open mind, then act on them in exact accordance with the simple true principles that A.A. has taught and will teach us.

In other words, our sobriety is only a correction of our worst and most evident faults. Our living each day according to the principles of A.A. will also correct all of our other lesser faults and will gradually eliminate, one by one, all of the defects in our character that cause frictions, discontents, and unhappy rebellious moods that lead right back to our very chief fault of drinking.

Post from: Blisstree

The Tablemate – Discussion No. 4 Active Work

Al-Anon Quiz – Are You Troubled By Someone’s Drinking?

“Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. Many times people who are close to alcoholics do not even realize how much they have been affected by someone else’s drinking.”

Buddy offers you this quiz to help you decide whether the Al-Anon Family groups might work for you.

One specific question that rings a bell with me – “Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?”

Buddy also offers you a resource for finding Al-Anon meetings in your local (USA) area. Follow this link.

Post from: Blisstree

Affected By The Drinking Of Someone Close To You?

The Tablemate was an early A.A. set of beginners lessons entitled ‘Alcoholics Anonymous: An Interpretation of the Twelve Steps,’ put out in the form of a little pamphlet. It was (and still is) the most successful set of A.A. beginners lessons ever devised.

And I’m drawing content from the Hindsfoot site, laboriously prepared by Glenn C. and others… We moved into Discussion No. 3: Inventory and Restitution Part I then Inventory and Restitution Part II, and now, Inventory and Restitution Part III.

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Step No. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

In coming into A.A. we usually will have a pretty big inventory to work on, as in Steps Four, Eight, and Nine. But even after that, we will not be perfect. We have a long way to go. We will continue to make mistakes and will be inclined to do some more wrong thinking and wrong doing. So at intervals, we continue to take inventory. Here the purpose is to check on our progress. We certainly cannot be perfect, so the need for regular inventory is apparent.

These inventories are personal. We confine the inventory to ourselves. We are the ones who need it. Never mind the other fellow! He too is probably troubled and will have to make his own inventory.

When we make these inventories, probably the best way to start is to go over (one by one) each of the twelve steps, and try to discover just what (in these steps) we are not following.

The businessman has to make a physical inventory from time to time. We have to make a personal inventory of ourselves from time to time if we want to recover from a serious mental illness.

Character Defects and Vices

So much for the inventory steps – - now look at some of the things we would do well to cover in an inventory:

1. Selfishness – - the common vice of all alcoholics.
2. Egotism – - who is without some of it? Self-Importance, Mr. Big.
3. False Pride – - too big to admit a fault or an error.
4. Impatience – - the spoiled child in a grown man.
5. Resentments – - an alcoholic usually is sore at the whole world. Everybody is wrong!
6. Lack of common honesty – - usually fooling ourselves and trying to fool others. False pretense, sham.
7. Deceit.
8. Hate – - the outgrowth of anger and resentment.
9. Jealousy – - just wanting what the other fellow worked to get.
10. Envy – - a sure-fire cause of discontent and unhappiness.
11. Laziness – - just plain laziness.

And so on through a long list.

Conversely Our Inventory Could Show a List of Virtues

which we very definitely lack and should go to work on to develop such as:

Honesty
Simple Justice
Fairness
Generosity
Truthfulness
Modesty
Humility
Honest Pride in work well done
Simplicity
Patience
Industry (go to work and really work)

And so on through a long list.

Then Consider a Few MAJOR Virtues

FAITH – If we have lost faith we must work desperately hard to get it back. Ask God to give us faith in him, our fellow man, and ourselves.
HOPE – If we have lost hope we are dead pigeons. Only those who have been cruelly hurt and in desperate need can know the wonderful sense of security that lies in hope for better things.
TRUST – Since our own self-sufficient conduct of our own life has failed us, we must put our trust in God, who has never failed.

Post from: Blisstree

The Tablemate – Discussion No. 3 Inventory and Restitution Part III

The Tablemate was an early A.A. set of beginners lessons entitled ‘Alcoholics Anonymous: An Interpretation of the Twelve Steps,’ put out in the form of a little pamphlet. It was (and still is) the most successful set of A.A. beginners lessons ever devised.

And I’m drawing content from the Hindsfoot site, laboriously prepared by Glenn C. and others… We moved into Discussion No. 3: Inventory and Restitution Part I recently, and now, Inventory and Restitution Part II.

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Step No. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Under this step we will make a written* list of those we have harmed. We ask God to let his will be done, not our will, and ask for the strength and courage to become willing to forget resentments and false pride and make amends to those we have harmed. We must not do this step grudgingly, or as an unpleasant task to be rid of quickly. We must do it willingly, fairly, and humbly – - without condescension.

*The original Detroit pamphlet said “a list (mental or written),” but the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions later made it clear that it needed to be written.

Step No. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

This is where we make peace with ourselves by making peace with those we have hurt. The amends we make must be direct. We must pay in kind for the hurt we have done them.

• If we have cheated we must make restitution.
• If we have hurt their feelings we must ask forgiveness from them.

The list of harms done may be long but the list of amends is equally long. For every wrong we have done, there is a right we may do to compensate.
There is only one exception. We must develop a sense of justice, a spirit of fairness, an attitude of common sense. If our effort to make amends would create further harm or cause a scandal, we will have to skip the direct amends and clean the matter up under Step Five.

Post from: Blisstree

The Tablemate – Discussion No. 3 Inventory and Restitution Part II

The Tablemate was an early A.A. set of beginners lessons entitled ‘Alcoholics Anonymous: An Interpretation of the Twelve Steps,’ put out in the form of a little pamphlet. It was (and still is) the most successful set of A.A. beginners lessons ever devised.

And I’m drawing content from the Hindsfoot site, laboriously prepared by Glenn C. and others… We now move into Discussion No. 3: Inventory and Restitution (I)

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Step No. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

The intent and purpose of this step is plain. All alcoholics have a definite need for a good self-analysis – - a sort of self-appraisal. Other people have certainly analyzed us, appraised us, criticized us and even judged us. It might be a good idea to judge ourselves, calmly and honestly. We need inventory because:

1. Either our faults, weaknesses, defects of character, are the cause of our drinking,
2. or our drinking has weakened our character and led us into all kinds of wrong action, wrong attitudes, wrong viewpoints.

In either event we obviously need an inventory and the only kind of inventory to make is a good one. Moreover, the job is up to us. We created or we let develop all the anti-social actions that got us in the wrong. So we have got to work it out. We must make out a list of our faults and then we must do something about it.

The inventory must be four things:

1. It must be honest. Why waste time fooling ourselves with a phony list? We have fooled ourselves for years, we tried to fool others, and now is a good time to look ourselves squarely in the eye.
2. It must be searching. Why skip over a vital matter lightly and quickly? Our trouble is a grave mental disease, confused by screwy thinking. Therefore, we must search diligently and fearlessly to get at the truth of what is wrong with us – - just dig in and search.
3. It must be fearless. We must not be afraid we might find things in our heart, mind and soul that we will hate to discover. If we do find such things they may be the root of our trouble.
4. It must be a moral inventory.

Some, in error, think the inventory is a lot of unpaid debts, plus a list of unmade apologies. Our trouble lies much deeper.

We will find the root of our trouble lies in Resentments, False Pride, Envy, Jealousy, Selfishness and many other things. Laziness is an important one. In other words we are making an inventory of our character: our attitude toward others, our very way of living.

We are not preparing a financial statement. We will pay our bills all right, because we cannot even begin to practice A.A. without honesty.

Post from: Blisstree

The Tablemate – Discussion No. 3 Inventory and Restitution Part I

The Tablemate was an early A.A. set of beginners lessons entitled ‘Alcoholics Anonymous: An Interpretation of the Twelve Steps,’ put out in the form of a little pamphlet. It was (and still is) the most successful set of A.A. beginners lessons ever devised.

And I’m drawing content from the Hindsfoot site, laboriously prepared by Glenn C. and others… We are now in Discussion No. 2: The Spiritual Phase (III) (see part I and part II)

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Step No. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

The meaning of this step is clear: prayer, humility.

1. Prayer No man can tell another how to pray. Each one has, or works out for himself, his own method.

• If we cannot pray, we just talk to God and tell him our troubles. Meditate (think clearly and cleanly) and ask God to direct our thoughts.
• Christ said, “ask and ye shall receive.” What method is simpler? – - merely ask.
• If you cannot pray, ask God to teach you to pray.
  

2. Humility This simply is the virtue of being ourselves and realizing how small we are in a big world full of its own trouble.

• Drop all pretense.
• We must not be Mr. Big Shot – - bragging, boasting.
• Shed false pride.
• Tell the simple, plain, unvarnished truth.
• Act, walk, and talk simply.
• See the little bit of good that exists in an evil man; forget the little bit of evil that exists in a good man.
• We must not look down on the very lowest of God’s creations or man’s mistakes.
• Think clearly, honestly, fairly, generously.
  

3. The shortcomings we ask God to remove are the very defects in character that make us drink – - the same defects we drink to hide or get away from.

Step No. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with GOD as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

1. We pray each night – - every night – - a prayer of thanks.
2. We pray each morning – - every morning – - for help and guidance.
3. When we are lonely, confused, uncertain – - we pray.

Most of us find it well to – -

1. Choose, for each day, a “quiet time” to meditate on the program, on our progress in it.
2. Keep conscious contact with God and pray to make that contact closer.
3. Pray that our will be laid aside and that God’s will direct us.
4. Pray for calmness – - quiet – - relaxation – - rest.
5. Pray for strength and courage to enable us to do today’s work today.
6. Pray for forgiveness for yesterday’s errors.
7. Ask for hope for better things tomorrow.
8. Pray for what we feel we need. We will not get what we want – - we will get what we need, what is good for us.

Conclusion

We find that no one need have difficulty with the spiritual side of the program. Willingness, Honesty, and Open-Mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.

Post from: Blisstree

The Tablemate – Discussion No. 2 The Spiritual Phase Part III

The Tablemate was an early A.A. set of beginners lessons entitled ‘Alcoholics Anonymous: An Interpretation of the Twelve Steps,’ put out in the form of a little pamphlet. It was (and still is) the most successful set of A.A. beginners lessons ever devised.

And I’m drawing content from the Hindsfoot site, laboriously prepared by Glenn C. and others… We are now in Discussion No. 2: The Spiritual Phase (II) (see part I)

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Step No. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

1. There is nothing new in this step. There are many sound reasons for “talking over our troubles out loud with others.”

2. The Catholic already has this medium readily available to him in the confessional. But – - the Catholic is at a disadvantage if he thinks his familiarity with confession permits him to think his part of A.A. is thereby automatically taken care of. He must, in confession, seriously consider his problems in relation to his alcoholic thinking.
3. The non-Catholic has the way open to work this step by going to his minister, his doctor, or his friend.
4. Under this step it is not even necessary to go to a priest or minister. Any understanding human being, friend or stranger, will serve the purpose.
5. The purpose and intent of this step is so plain and definite that it needs little explanation. The point is that we must do exactly what the fifth step says, sooner or later. We must not be in rush to get this step off our chest. Consider it carefully and calmly. Then get about it and do it.
6. “Wrongs” do not necessarily mean crime. It can well be wrong thinking – - selfishness – - false pride – - egotism – - or any one of a hundred such negative faults.

Step No. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

1. After admitting our wrong thinking and wrong actions in step five we now do something more than “admit” or “confess.”
2. We now become ready and willing to have God remove the defects in our character.
3. Remember it is our character we are working on. Not the other fellow’s. Here is a good place to drop the critical attitude toward others – - the superior attitude toward others.
4. We must clean our mind of wrong thinking – - petty jealousy – - envy – - self pity – - remorse, etc.
5. Here is the place to drop resentments, one of the biggest hurdles the alcoholic had to get over.
6. What concerns us here is that we drop all thoughts of resentment: anger, hatred, revenge.
7. We turn our will over to God and let his will direct us how to patiently remove, one by one, all defects in our character.

Post from: Blisstree

The Tablemate – Discussion No. 2 The Spiritual Phase Part II