Post from: Blisstree

Senior art project: Wings

He is an old friend whom I caught up with again on Facebook. Facebook? Really?

I know it sounds silly, but reconnecting with old friends is my favorite thing about sites like Facebook or MySpace. We have spent more hours than I can count talking on the phone, the computer, etc. At this point, we’ve got to see how it feels to be in the same room again, but I can remember feeling an ease and comfort when I spent time with him as a young girl. I do not want to date anyone else and that’s where the “boyfriend” part comes in. I want to give this my attention for now. It matters to me.

Already, I can talk to him about things that I could never talk about in my last relationship. I see this as a good sign, because I think we, Mark and I, are better friends than I was with D. I thought that there was a good connection with D, but I have realized in the past couple of months that I was holding a lot back. I held my tongue and I’d get a pit in my stomach worrying about how I how to approach him about working things out. I was afraid he would retreat or get angry or talk in that really, really loud voice that he has. I didn’t like that voice. It made my eyes water.

I’ve found that as I get older, finding love and friendship takes me down paths that I never thought I’d tread. There’s always a surprise around the corner.  Yeah, I know that sounds corny, but the corny stuff is the good stuff. I love reminiscing with Mark and hearing him tell me that I was his high school crush. I like to picture young Mark and young Michelle standing and laughing with a crowd of friends, totally unaware of what lie ahead of them. Totally unaware of how lucky they’d feel someday.

I was talking to him about that picture in my head. About how I have all these random impressions of him stored in my head and I don’t have a lot of impressions of other people from my past. I can see how he moved and what he did with his hands. It’s like my subconscious said, hey store this up, this one is special.

My heart is full of hope and happiness. I feel good.

Image credit: All Posters.com

Post from: Blisstree

My New Boyfriend

Al-Anon Quiz – Are You Troubled By Someone’s Drinking?

“Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. Many times people who are close to alcoholics do not even realize how much they have been affected by someone else’s drinking.”

Buddy offers you this quiz to help you decide whether the Al-Anon Family groups might work for you.

One specific question that rings a bell with me – “Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?”

Buddy also offers you a resource for finding Al-Anon meetings in your local (USA) area. Follow this link.

Post from: Blisstree

Affected By The Drinking Of Someone Close To You?

For example, Take Paul’s comment today;

“the only way to get the help you need is to stop drinking, go into fits risking his own life or wait until a weekday. I have taken him to the doctors he has been told to go home and drink beer and slowly reduce the intake of alcohol. This very hard to do for a person who is alcohol dependent. I would not wish on my worst enemy as this has been going on for ten years.”

Now, other than the fact that this comment and I have a credibility problem – the original spelling and punctuation are extremely familiar to a comment spammer attempting to gain access and approval – there are points to be considered.

1. - It is simply not true that you have to risk fits/seizures.
2. - I’d suggest you find another doctor, one familiar with alcoholism. That advice is ludicrous.
3. - This person has you convinced it is hard for him to stop. Not true if he wants to.
4. - I would think that after ten years you might seriously want to consider going to Al-Anon.

A family member affected by an alcoholic family member’s drinking cannot stop the other person’s drinking no matter how powerful you think you may be. Al-Anon will help you learn how to change yourself to better deal with this person and not be as affected. To get healthier mentally and emotionally. Please try it.

Post from: Blisstree

If Your Life Is Being Affected By A Relative With An Alcohol Problem

Joe said: “The message that I carry is AA’s message. 12 steps which guarantee a spiritual awakening to be the result. My obligation is to try to share my experience with those twelve steps with other Alcoholics and to practice the 12 disciplines in all my affairs. Most important to me is that I be cognisant that this is AA’s program and AA’s steps! Not mine! My program is what brought me to AA! One path of steps which provide access to power. I do not gain power through the steps I gain access to power. All twelve steps, all day, everyday for a lifetime, to the best of my ability. This is not a program where I came to “not drink” one day at a time; it is a prgram, a design for living, that enables me to live one day at a time! That is the message I try to carry.”

Which really does work for me.

Jo said: “The message I attempt to carry is the program as outlined in the Big Book, found in the first 164, as filtered though my experience, strength and hope over the last 18 years.”

Which certainly also works for me. What I’d very much like to pass on to those who’ve begun reading here after those posts last year is what your perception is of what message we carry as sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous.

What Is “The Message?”

Post from: Blisstree

Let’s Try Again – What Is “The Message?”

Quoting the writer;

“As a child I suffered from having an alcoholic mother. My only outlet was keeping a diary where I vented. Mother read it and retaliated. At the age of 15, I ran away from home, never to return. Fortunately, my older sister let me stay with them. Who knows what my life would have been like otherwise?”

And I felt that person’s anguish, instantly. Had I done the same thing and my father discovered it, I would also have been in a world of hurt. I too ran away but had no place to go and returned to more of the same.

There is a premise contained within these words that I’m personally certain derives from the disease alcoholism! That premise is that there was only one outlet…

Simply not true – yet we can’t see the truth because we’re locked into such a delusional situation. At least, in hindsight, that is what I can now see.

No one ever told me there was another way. At the time I was a child the world perceived these situations differently. They were swept under the rug never to see the light of day. Heaven forbid they were talked about. But that’s what I think now! I’m certain there were other things I might have done as a child but I didn’t have the information.

The conscience of humanity ran just as deep then as it does today. The information is in the open. It is brought to the public like never before – but it was there then too! Alcoholism kept it secret through fear. And no one needs to live like that anymore!!!

If you’re a child, or you know of a child, living in similar situations, bring the information about resources available to them – to them! Howard offered some valid thoughts in his response;

“the writer may have been trying to say that some things are best not written about. If so, that only helps to continue the dysfunction since an alcoholic environment sends out these warnings: “Don’t talk!” “Don’t think.” “Don’t feel.” “Don’t trust.”

That is precisely what the disease wants… so know the truth – you can Talk! Think! Feel! Find Someone To Trust!!!

Post from: Blisstree

In Hindsight Re: Alcoholic Parents

“When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and spiritually.”

First things first – “Intelligence is not incompatible with humility, provided I place humility first… To be fashionable and to seem better than I really am is a spiritual illness.”

In my drinking life I could not put these two together. Why? Simply because the concept of humility was totally lost on me. To be humble was not within my understanding. I was either less than, far worse, or far better because, if not, I was worthless. Absolutely convoluted…

“To recognize and to admit my weaknesses is the beginning of good spiritual health.”

Funny, but at this moment as I write those words it comes to me that no one in all those religious instruction classes ever said anything about spiritual health.

“It is a sign of spiritual health to be able to ask God every day to enlighten me, to recognize His will, and to have the strength to execute it.”

Do you recall, provided you had religious training in your childhood, being taught anything like this?

“My spiritual health is excellent when I realize that the better I get, the more I discover how much help I need from others.”

Wow – help from others, what a concept!

Post from: Blisstree

Acting In Good Spiritual Health

Nonsense Gods of Recovery

“Covers the origins of what I call the “nonsense gods of recovery” that have crept into our fellowship…Alcoholics may be sick but they are not stupid… Demonstrating the absurdity of the weird names counselors, therapists, and treatment people–as well as AA’s – have assigned to “their” deity… These include tree, light bulb, radiator, Gertrude, Ralph, Coke bottle, Pumpkin, and on and on.”

On Topic and Timely

“We can try to stop making unreasonable demands upon those we love. We can show kindness where we had shown none. With those we dislike we can begin to practice justice and courtesy, perhaps going out of our way to understand and help them.”

Priorities Son, Priorities

“If a phone call is more important to you than your sobriety when you’re at an AA meeting then you might as well go out and get drunk.”

The Circle and Triangle Symbol

“The circle and triangle is not ‘banned by A.A.,’ just discontinued since 1993 as a trademark.”

A Functional Alcoholic?

Just exactly what about unmanageable, what about obsession for destructive drinking, relates to “functional?”

Post from: Blisstree

Top Five All-Time Posts

Alcoholism and Its Effect on the Family

Something I can immediately identify with… something that, for all practical means and purposes, defines me and then defines my children too.

Here’s what I can pick out of the article which applies directly to my personal life (rather lengthy);

• Very often alcoholism affects highly educated people. Several studies even showed that people who lack motivation are less likely to become addicted to alcohol than highly motivated individuals.

• An alcoholic can totally disrupt family life and cause harmful effects that can last a lifetime.

• Parental alcoholism also has severe effects on normal children of alcoholics. Many of these children have common symptoms such as low self-esteem, loneliness, guilt, feelings of helplessness, fears of abandonment, and chronic depression. Children of alcoholics (COAs) may feel responsible for the problems of the alcoholic and may think they created the problem. COAs often experience high levels of tension and stress. Young children of alcoholics may have frequent nightmares, bed wetting, and crying. They also may not have friends and may be afraid to go to school. Older children of alcoholics may show such depressive symptoms as obsessive perfectionism, hoarding, staying by themselves, or being excessively self-conscious. Studies have shown that because children of alcoholics feel that they are different from other people, they develop a poor self-image, in which they closely resemble their alcoholic parents. Also, teenage children of alcoholics may develop phobias.

• COAs more often have problems in school. The stressful environment at home prevents them from studying. Their school performance may also be affected by inability to express themselves. Often COAs have difficulty in establishing relationships with teachers and classmates. COAs tend more often to have to repeat the academic year and more often drop out of school.

• These children live in extremely unstable home environments. They never know what to expect from an alcoholic parent. Because they are unable to predict their parent’s mood, they don’t know how to behave themselves. Just like non-alcoholic spouses, COAs think they can stop their alcoholic parent from drinking by hiding liquor, or by pleasing the parent with good grades in school. They may tiptoe around the house while the alcoholic parent sleeps, hoping not to awake the drunken person until enough time has passed for the alcoholic parent to “sober up”. Children of alcoholics feel guilty for their failure to save their parents from the effects of alcohol.

• Because crime and violence are associated with alcoholism, incest and battering are common in alcoholics’ families. 75 percent of domestic violence cases involve a family member who is an alcoholic. battering victims often blame themselves for what has happened. Because they feel so guilty, ashamed, and helpless, they themselves may turn to drinking as the way to escape the pain. “Children of alcoholics are people who have been robbed of their childhood.” Children of alcoholics, if untreated as children, carry their problems into later life.

• Adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) often don’t relate their problems to having grown up in a family with an alcoholic parent. Many of them have problems of depression, aggression, or impulsive behavior, and difficulty in establishing healthy relationships with others.

• They are frequently failures as parents themselves, often make poor career choices, and almost all ACOAs have a negative self-image. Adult children of alcoholics often have feelings of worthlessness and failure. They also may have problems with family responsibility because their alcoholic parent was irresponsible and didn’t provide them with basic children’s needs.

• Many ACOAs have problems with intimacy, because their previous experience has taught them not to trust other people. They may also think that if they will love someone, this person will hurt them in the future, just the same as their alcoholic parent did. Unfortunately, research has shown that many ACOAs often find themselves intimately involved with someone who is an alcoholic, or in some way abusive. ACOAs are four times more likely than children of non-alcoholics to develop alcoholism. Genetic factors play a major role in the development of alcoholism. Another factor is inability to deal with stress in a healthy way.

• Alcoholism also has negative effects on the spouse of an alcoholic. The spouse may have feelings of hatred, self-pity, avoidance of social contacts, may suffer exhaustion and become physically or mentally ill.Very often the spouse has to perform the roles of both parents. Family responsibilities shift from two parents to one parent. As a result, the non-alcoholic parent may be inconsistent, demanding, and often neglect the children. Having financial difficulties is another issue that families of alcoholics have to deal with. The family may have to give up certain privileges because of the large amount of money spent on alcohol and also possible joblessness. A survey, “Exposure to Alcoholism in the Family”, conducted in 1988 suggested that alcoholism is a major factor of premature widowhood. Alcoholism also is one of the major reasons for divorce.

• Today, experts who study alcoholic families know that family and marital problems often start because of alcoholism, but they also learned that spouses and children may contribute to the drinker’s habit and make it worse.

• The alcoholic’s codependent family members do everything possible to hide the problem, preserve the family’s prestige and project the image of a “perfect family”. The spouse and children may avoid making friends and bringing other people home, in order to hide problems caused by alcoholism. Codependent members often forget about their own needs and desires. They devote their lives to attempt to control or cure the drinker. Unknowingly, codependent family members often become “enablers”. An enabler is “a person who unknowingly helps the alcoholic by denying the drinking problem exists and helping the alcoholic to get out of troubles caused by his drinking”. The enabler will clean up the alcoholic’s vomit and make excuses to his or her boss, teacher, or friends. The enabler lies for the alcoholic, and thus enables the alcoholic to continue drinking.

• While alcoholism treatment programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous help people with alcohol dependence to stop drinking and improve their life styles, family and marital therapy and various self-help groups help alcoholic families to improve their own well-being. Families of alcoholics need treatment just as much as alcoholics. Marriage and family counselors can help with the tensions created in the alcoholic’s home. School counselors can provide information and support to adolescents who have family problems because of parental alcoholism. Therapists in hospitals and mental health centers, and state-run alcohol programs provide information and services for alcohol related problems. Al-Anon and Alateen are two of the most successful organizations helping families of alcoholics. Al-Anon is designed to mainly help the spouses of alcoholics, while Alateen is designed to help children of the alcoholic. Both organizations’ philosophy is based upon Alcoholic Anonymous’s Twelve Step Recovery Program. The main goal of these organizations is to help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic’s drinking problems and that family members’ recovery does not depend upon the alcoholic’s recovery.

Everything I’ve copied here from Tetyana Parsons’ original article was, is and might yet be, true of myself and my family. For me, I am grateful beyond measure that I have been graced with recovery and I’ll continue to pray that my ex and our children also find that grace.

Post from: Blisstree

A Family Disease