From “The Language of the Heart,” page 263;

“There are, nevertheless, certain occasions where reckless truth-telling may create widespread havoc and permanent damage to others. Whenever this seems possible, we are likely to find ourselves in a bad jam indeed. We shall be torn between two temptations. When conscience agonizes us enough, we may well cast all prudence and love to the winds. We may try to buy our freedom by telling the brutal truth, no matter who gets hurt or how much. But this is not the usual temptation. It is far more probable that we shall veer to the other extreme. We will paint for ourselves a most unrealistic picture of the awful damage we are about to inflict on others. By claiming great compassion and love for our supposed victims, we are getting set to tell the Big Lie – and be thoroughly comfortable about it, too.

When life presents us with a racking conflict like this, we cannot be altogether blamed if we are confused. In fact our very first responsibility is to admit that we are confused. We may have to confess that, for the time being, we have lost all ability to tell right from wrong. Most difficult, too, will be the admission that we cannot be certain of receiving God’s guidance because our prayers are so cluttered with wishful thinking. Surely this is the point at which we must seek the counsel of our finest friends. There is nowhere else to go.”

We don’t see the damage we are about to do because we are wrapped up in ourselves and delusional. That’s why we need the counsel of others before we act.

Notice the challenge of not distinguishing right from wrong?

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Prayers Cluttered With Wishful Thinking

“There can be only one consideration which should qualify our desire for a complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That will arise in the occasional situation where to make a full revelation would seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends. Or – quite as important – other people. We cannot, for example, unload a detailed account of extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of our unsuspecting wife or husband. And even in those cases where such a matter must be discussed, let’s try to avoid harming third parties, whoever they may be. It does not lighten our burden when we recklessly make the crosses of others heavier.”

I have known those who were heartless, cruel and self-centered in the extreme to the extent that “making amends” in a program of recovery did not take into consideration the lives and feelings of others. Usually these folks are the types who continue to admit they have left things out, important things. They sometimes take the form of those who openly contradict what many would call the majority experience. And… they sound good.

Of course, they eventually do what few of this type escape – they drink again.

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Do Not Make The Crosses Of Others Heavier

Listening to newcomers at today’s Noon meeting I heard it again. What I sounded like with the same amount of “sober” time. Especially when I attempted to speak about what my father “did” to me to make me drink. That is until an oldtimer asked me if my father poured any booze down my throat.

From today’s Daily Reflections;

I Am Responsible

“For the readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine.”

“The very thing I fear is my freedom. It comes from my tendency to recoil from taking responsibility for anything: I deny, I ignore, I blame, I avoid. Then one day, I look, I admit, I accept. The freedom, the healing and the recovery I experience is in the looking, admitting and accepting. I learn to say, ‘Yes, I am responsible.’ When I can speak those words with honesty and sincerity, then I am free.”

FREE!

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I Am Responsible

“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible”

This reflection speaks of not being able to make amends to those folks who were casual acquaintances. People who passed through our lives briefly or barely. Like those neighbors I used to live near who no doubt heard my late night yelling…

“The only amends I can make to those untraceable individuals, the only ‘changes for the better’ I can offer, are indirect amends made to other people, whose paths briefly cross mine. Courtesy and kindness, regularly practiced, help me to live in emotional balance, at peace with myself.”

Just a personal thought – as you’re being courteous and kind to your fellow man today, don’t get carried away with your wonderfulness. You’re simply acting as our Higher Power had intended us to act from jump street. Nothing to be taking credit for…

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A Step Towards Emotional Balance

First Things First – changing wherever to whenever gives a different meaning…

The Very Spirit;

“The readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine.”

Full consequences. Not partial, half, a little bit or just some. Full.

The only exceptions? Cases where our disclosure would cause actual harm.

Not delaying because we are afraid…

“Earnestly asking God’s help and guidance – meanwhile resolving to do the right thing when it becomes clear, cost what it may?”

And – the right thing is clear to you exactly how? Oh, yeah – “lay the matter before our sponsor or spiritual adviser.”

Specific and direct instructions.

Do it!

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Step Nine

Daily Reflections

Remember, from the Seventh Step;

“In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life.”

I’d asked God for dozens of do-overs, never believing there was any hope. In addition, I sure didn’t exactly perceive that were I to be graced with a new life that, by necessity, it would have to be born through pain!

“But this admission price had purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain.”

In our Eighth Step we discover more about pain: “I learned that the pain of my defects is the very substance God uses to cleanse my character and to set me free.”

We might want to consider embracing our pain as we grow…

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The Pain Of My Defects

Naturally, I consider that, in “those days,” I was drinking so how honest could I have been? I suppose only my customers could say…

When working an Eighth and Ninth Step there is a lengthy discussion in the Big Book about just exactly how honest we ought to be. The answer, for me, is on page 80. Referring to a wrong a man felt he could not possibly make right, here is what follows;

“After consulting with his wife and partner he came to the conclusion that it was better to take those risks than to stand before his Creator quilty of such ruinous slander. He saw that he had to place the outcome in God’s hands or he would soon start drinking again, and all would be lost anyhow.”

Please let me remind you, this works for me – I don’t want to face the prospect of standing before St. Peter at the pearly gates and have him ask me questions that I won’t have an honest answer for… I’ll do whatever it takes to be as close to 100% honest as I can be. Besides, the God I understand today will forgive me for anything as long as I’m willing to be forgiven. Oh, and I don’t go running around using that as an excuse for poor behavior because I know that same God can see right through that crappola.

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Honesty – But To What Extent?

From today’s Daily Reflection: “Those Who Still Suffer”

“For us, if we neglect those who are still sick, there is unremitting danger to our own lives and sanity.”

It is my personal opinion (fwiw) that this is a piece of writing that undoes the profundity expressed in meetings that the newcomer is the most important person in the room. I think whoever made that statement up about the newcomer needed to say something they thought made them sound important.

When you get down to reality, in a belief system based on a Higher Power, each and every life in our rooms is equal in value and has no more or less importance. We are all equal!

“I know the torment of drinking compulsively to quiet my nerves and my fears. I also know the pain of white-knuckled sobriety. Today, I do not forget the unknown person who suffers quietly, withdrawn and hiding in the desperate relief of drinking.”

They don’t even have to be hiding in drinking. I’ve known many folks with years of sobriety who’ve sat in the rooms in pain because they had somehow lost the ability to ask for help and no one asked them how they were doing because they were oldtimers and supposedly had it all together. They were not less important than the newcomer.

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White-Knuckled Sobriety

This, for me, goes a very long way to defining humility.

I was always Johnny-On-The-Spot when someone was troubled, in harms’ way or hurt. It seemed that accidents happened close by and I’d be there to help. But I had a motive despite the coincidental nature of most of these circumstances.

I wanted attention. I wanted someone to pay attention to me, to reward me. Self-centered in the extreme because if I didn’t receive attention or reward I got angry and pouted. Of true humility I knew absolutely nothing.

Then came AA and wise oldtime AA members including Matt and Rick. We talked about humility. We spoke about doing good things for others. Then they laid it on me, thankfully.

I can’t remember who, I believe it was Matt, who listened to me at that meeting speak of doing something good for someone else. After the meeting he told me that whatever I’d done good no longer counted. Still with my reward system nature I was affronted by his comment. What do you mean it doesn’t count?

To find true humility you do something good for someone and you don’t tell anyone you did it. That’s the way it works! Otherwise you’re simply doing what you’d always done – brag. EGO is all about bragging. And EGO is easing God out. So, keep your big mouth shut!

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Do Something Good For Someone And Then…

My first thought relating to how pride aims at the destruction of others comes from the term “character assassination.”

Suppose for a moment that you’ve worked on a project for your company for months finally arriving at what you believe in your heart is a magnificent piece of work.

Your co-worker has also worked on a similar project and has the same feelings about his/hers.

The boss chooses their project for the honors. And you begin a campaign of character assassination maligning anything good about your fellow worker, raising doubt about anything they’ve ever accomplished. You tell everybody willing to listen how your co-worker is nothing more than a dirty so-and-so, a cheat, a philanderer, a thief and on and on…

That is pride aimed at the destruction of another, imho. Alcoholics are quite talented at this sad mental twist.

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Pride Aimed At Destruction Of Others