Oh, I know it isn’t totally the same but in many ways my oldest daughter is an indispensable part of my social life – what little I have. At 27 she gives me great advice about hair, make-up, and clothes. She has known me for a long time and of anyone she knows my flaws… and loves me anyway. My son in law is much the same…except I don’t usually take his advice about makeup and clothes. He is good for a hug almost anytime and as the years have passed he has become more and more part of me – like one of my own kids.

My daughter and son in law, Erin and Jon

One thing I am learning is boundaries. This isn’t easy for me because I have not really been allowed to have them  for most of my life. Because I didn’t have them I didn’t understand how to honor them in others. It made for a rocky first few years in my daughter’s marriage as I tried to pass on my own advice and knowledge (some good…some not) to my daughter and her husband. In reality I should have been supporting my son in law and his wife.

Do you get the difference?

In the past few months I have had to learn about boundaries in my own life. I have had to learn to say, “I love you but I can’t do what you think I should.” I have had to learn to accept people’s opinions as just that. Opinions.

This has been good for me. Not only has it strengthened my character but it has allowed me an understanding of the importance of honoring the boundaries of other people – and not just honoring those boundaries but loving the person although I don’t always agree. Maybe I don’t know everything after all.

I guess it boils down to allowing my kids to grow up and become adults who make mistakes and have successes completely removed from any input from me. For them, it means allowing mom to be more than mom. At some point the adult child and the parent of the adult child have to look at each other and recognize that the love is eternal but the relationship has changed.

I am so thankful for the two adults pictured above.  I don’t do everything the way they would want me to but they love me enough to respect and pray for me. I appreciate that.

image: Swiped from Erin Audet Myer’s Facebook by Marye Audet

Post from: Blisstree

Parent to Friend: When Your Kid Grows Up

Missing holidays with your family to be with your significant other’s family is a pretty big deal.  Not only do you have the pressure of acting appropriately and making a good impression while sharing a special day with these new in-laws, but you also have the stress of realizing that the family that you are not going to see is going to miss your presence.

Spending the Holiday With Your In-Laws

Whether you’re married or seriously dating, spending a holiday with your in-laws is important.  It could be extremely stressful if this is the first time because you want to fit in and not upset any of their special traditions, but you must remember that this is still the holidays and you need to enjoy yourself and relax.  Holidays are for celebrating!  Find the balance between being yourself and fitting in.  Express your personality and let them know about you, but also be sensitive to their traditions and expectations.  This is their house and their family, so you want to show respect without completely losing who you are.

Spending the Holiday Away From Your Family

Your family might give you a lot of negativity for choosing to spend time with your in-laws instead of with them.  If you are feeling guilty, remember that they are only upset because they love you and miss your presence during this special time.  It’s very important to share time between families when you are married, so make sure to keep track of what holidays were spent where so you don’t cause fear of favoritism.  If you aren’t able to be with your family for a holiday, make sure to still show them that you care and that you are thinking of them with a phonecall or a thoughtful gift.  Again it’s important to find the balance between appeasing their (selfish) desires and making a decision that is right for you and your partner.

The holidays can be a difficult time where you can be pulled in many directions.  Remember to communicate openly with the people in your life and make decisions that are balanced and well thought out.  Enjoy the time with the people you are with and take time to appreciate those who are far away.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Spending Holidays With Your In-Laws

Here are some tips for succeeding when meeting the in-laws for the first time:

• Be polite. This is your chance to use all of the tools that your parents taught you when you were growing up.  You might have thought it was annoying that they made you stick to so many rules, but this is the moment where they want you to shine.  Don’t interrupt, don’t talk with your mouth full, don’t dress inappropriately, don’t track mud into the house, etc., etc…
• Get out of your comfort zone and try new things. Families have grown up together doing the same things, but you have grown up under completely different circumstances.  It is probable that your in-laws have entirely different traditions and practices than you do, but get out of your comfort zone and try something new.  It might not be what you are used to, but it’s part of your significant other’s life so it’s important to give it a shot.  Don’t go over the top and sacrifice what you stand for most, but do push the limits for new experiences…you just might like it!
• Try to relax. It might be near impossible under these circumstances, but the only way to show your true personality is to feel relaxed.  Don’t act as you would around your peers, but do let your beautiful character shine.
• Show them how much you care. More than anything, deep down the family of your significant other wants to know that you care about your girlfriend/boyfriend as much as they do.  They want to know that you love them for who they are and help them to be the best person they can be.  Try to relax and show your love for each other without PDA (public display of affection).
• Don’t worry about judgments. Success in meeting your in-laws is achieved when you feel that you have showed them who you are and how much you care for their family member that you are dating.  Success is not when the family “approves” of you and deems you worthy of their son or daughter. If you focus too much on what they think of you then you will lose yourself.  Focus on the idea that you want to be able to walk away from the time spent together and know that you put your best self forward.
• Be positive.  The situation is stressful.  That is a fact.  If you keep a positive attitude then everything around you will just function more smoothly.  A lot of times families have their own tensions and issues already, so be a positive influence in whatever way that you can.  Be a support to your significant other because the situation is probably harder on them than it is on you.

Unfortunately first impressions are very important.  It is not the most important thing to let your in-laws “know who you are” within the time span of your first meeting.  Make a good first impression by finding a balance between letting your true personality shine and making accomodations to mix in well with their environment.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

How to Succeed When Meeting the In-Laws

Image: stock.xchng

So really, my title should be “How to be totally lucky”.

I have met some people who really claim to loathe their in-laws. Paul’s mom has often said how grateful she is that we all like each other, as if we somehow escaped something horrible and monsterous.

While I would like to think it is always our charming personalities that makes the nature of the in-law relationship work so well for us, I do believe there are some things that we all respect and adhere to in order to keep loving each other with minimal conflict.

1. No asking when we’re going to have kids. We don’t know, we’re not ready, but maybe we will be some day. Every time Paul’s mom mentions that she heard a person he knew in middle school is pregnant and doesn’t follow that up with a request for updates on when we’re planning to start a family…I love her just a little bit more.
2. Being understanding about holidays. Paul’s extended family is all closeby and my family doesn’t tend to celebrate the holidays in a big way. So it’s far more likely that we will have holiday meals with his side of the family than mine. But everyone is honest, we make sure to get quality time with my family in other ways, and it works. If there was more of an emphasis on holiday time with both sides, I could see that working as well. Because we talk about it.
3. Just close enough, but not too close. We live about forty minutes away from my parents and an hour away from Paul’s parents. It’s not difficult to get together, but we’re not living right next door. It’s the ideal situation for everyone – and makes the time we do spend together not feel forced or boring (which also just comes from generally enjoying each other’s company).

Yep, somehow we get by – and these three important points help make the difference.

Post from: Blisstree

How To Deal With Your In-Laws

So, I heard this today and did a little checking around and…sure enough…the Mom in Law is moving in  with them “for now”.

The phrase sends chills down my spine.

She isn’t ill or anything; she has been a stabilizing force for the children during the campaign and election and in the flurry of moving everything from Chicago to DC.  She has heard their prayers, read them storie, and given them baths.  I can see that.  Kids need familiarity and security.  They need routine.

And granted the White House is one humongous domicile.  With something like 35 bathrooms there should be no problems there.

I guess that the problem I see is that no matter how big the residence is the First Couple will lack privacy with mom there unless they are very different than most of us.

Seems to me that most people revert to childhood around their parents, taking on roles and character traits that may be unhealthy or just irritating to their spouse.  Take almost any adult male and put him at Mom’s house and all of a sudden he is being reminded to change his underwear and being fed milk and cookies.  And it isn’t just the guys.  I watch my very mature 27 year old (ALMOST 27 year old) daughter turn into a teenager at our house, tickling and taunting siblings, holding them down and tormenting them in true sibling style and expecting to be somewhat pandered to .  And she is 8 months pregnant with her third child.

Then there is the normal familial control issues over the grandkids.  The possibility exists I suppose that Gramma is going to be a nanny-like person and raise the kids.  But if that happens that is going to bring on some rather pointed criticism in itself.

I am not being critical, by the way, my mom lived with us for the last six months of her life.  Noone knows better than I do how difficult living with a parent can be..and Marc can vouch for the in-law side of it, although she liked Marc much better than me there at the end of her life.

This is real concern because adjusting to everything they have to adjust to is going to be stressful at best.  I am trying to imagine being the First Lady of the United States of America and having my mom giving me one of the “looks” when I held my fork wrong or my neckline was a little too low.

So, what do you think?  Bad idea?  Good idea?

image:sxc

Post from: Blisstree

Obama’s Mother in Law to Live in the White House

Okay, maybe not yours or mine, but your parents’ or mine?

For the first time in 10 years, we live in the same area as both my mom and Bald Man’s parents. While my mom was the “lucky” one to be the only parent/grandparent around for years, she now has to share her precious time (okay, so we know it’s about the grandkids and not us) with the other grandparents.

And now, I have to give up some of my “relaxing at mom’s house” time for visiting the in-laws.

Let me be clear and say that I really do get along with my in-laws, and love them very much. We enjoy our time together, and I’ve learned a lot from them. They obviously love their grandkids, so it’s never a bad thing to go over.

Still, it’s not the same as going to my own mom’s house. You know what I mean? While I’m comfortable at my in-laws, it’s still me coming in as a visitor. It was probably less so, actually, when they lived far away because we would be sleeping and staying there. You feel much less like a guest when you’re wearing your jammies and taking showers in a home.

At my mom’s, though, it feels a bit like coming home. I really feel like, if I arrived exhausted with all the kids in tow, I could go up and lie on a bed and take a nap. If I was sick, my mom would notice right off and I’d have a cup of tea sitting there for me. If Bald Man was gone for a while and I didn’t feel like being the only adult in the house, the kids and I could go crash there without it even being a big deal.

I think the same is true for Bald Man. Not that he couldn’t crash at my mom’s, but things are more “normal” at his parent’s house. He knows better what to expect there, and it’s more familiar to him.

Is this normal for every couple? Do you always feel more at ease at your home of origin? I imagine if your own home was not a pleasant place to be, that might cause it to be different. What’s your experience here?

photo credit: SantaRosa OLD SKOOL

Post from: Blisstree

Your place or mine?

Arthur (Carrie’s dad) burns his house down and now needs a place to stay. And guess how quickly the not-so-bachelor pad turns into a father-in-law’s apartment of sorts. Hijinks, frustrations, comical situations, and all other sorts of craziness ensue (and you sometimes get to hear such classic lines as, “How ’bout a bowl of SHUT IT STEW?!?!?!” which makes me laugh every time.).

Anyway, that extremely enthralling recap was to get you to the question I asked myself while I was watching, “Would our marriage survive co-habitation with an in-law?” I’d like to think it would, but even just allowing myself to start down the line of thinking is just kind of scary. I don’t doubt that we would invite a parent to live with us if the need arose, though.

How many of you are out there living this reality? Was it as stressful as you thought it might be? Was it better than you guessed?

And for a bit of comic relief, a King of Queens bloopers reel.

Post from: Blisstree

King of Queens: Could your marriage survive it?