Have you ever read Dear Margo? Margo Howard is the daughter Ann Landers and she writes the same sort of advice column that Ann was famous for.

I read Ann Landers, Dear Abby, and pretty much any other advice columnist that I could get find back in the day. I’m not sure if it was the advice itself or the people telling their troubles that interested me the most. (Probably the troubles - I am naturally nosey). 

I was reading a recent column that covered a husband having an emotional affair with his boss. The emotional affair has the man - married 25 years - spending most of his time with a boss that he admits to feeling an attraction for. He buys her gifts, they spend off-time during the weekend together, they go out for drinks after work, alone. I get the impression that believing that this affair is merely emotional is wishful thinking. It sounds like that is his way of safely explaining the time spent with the boss. He has it out in the open so wife can’t “discover” it and freak out. Wow. That sucks. This cheater sounds either very devious, very smart, and like a real ass.

This emotional affair, with a co-worker, it’s  the next big thing in cheating. People work together they build bonds, they have a team-mentality, and one thing leads to another.

How do people avoid affairs?  How do you keep your partner from cheating?  You can’t, can you? Either they want to be with you and they want to honor that commitment or they don’t.

Sometimes I think about cheating and I wonder if there’s more opportunity to cheat these days or if people simply have a weaker will, a looser set of morals than they used to have. Or possibly cheating happens at the same rate that it always has.

What do you think? If anyone has anything to say, I’d be very interested in your opinion.

Image credit: Sxc.hu

Do you watch that show, “Jon and Kate, Plus 8“?  I have watched it off and on, never an entire episode, but my daughter, Sarah loves it.

I’ve read about Jon and Kate  Gosselin. Especially about Kate, people really love-to-hate her, which I find oddly fascinating. She’s just a mom, trying to do her best, like any other mom. I don’t get the venom, the hate, the Kate-as-the-devil-ness of it all. People go on about how she speaks to Jon, talking down to him, or whatever, but that’s behavior that I’ve seen in many relationships. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes it’s the way married people relate.

Lately, there have been headlines about Jon’s possible affair (denied) or Kate’s possible affair (denied).  I’m not there with Jon and Kate, I can’t see how they live their lives away from the camera, but I don’t think that these people have had affairs. I can’t imagine anyone with that many kids having the energy to have an affair - I know I’m exhausted daily by my four.

There’s also the issue of no privacy. I can see a flirtation that troubles a marriage springing up - these are regular people with cameras pointed at them all the time, their egos can’t help but be inflated by that attention. Marriage and raising kids - these are challenging endeavors. Even famous people are only human.

Kate has taken to PEOPLE magazine to voice her concerns.

“I don’t know that we’re in the same place anymore, that we want the same thing,” she says quietly. “I’ve been struggling with the question of ‘Who is this person?’ for a while. I remember where I was the first time I heard her name. It’s one of those things where you can try to make it go away, but there’s blaring, red flashing lights.”

The name to which Kate refers belongs to 23-year-old Deanna Hummel, whose brother later claimed she’d been having a months-long affair with Jon.

I’m no marriage counselor, but airing private maritial matters out in such a public arena, how can that help? 

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I knew when I heard the phone ring that my mother was dead. No one calls at 4:30 a.m. I was sleeping in my parents’ house because, though the doctors had thought she had months longer to live, my sister just had a feeling. And so the phone rang and I let it ring and ring until I heard my father’s voice answer from the other room and then I picked up. The woman on the other end said, “Dr. Walker. This is the hospital. I’m am sorry to inform you, but your wife, Mary Walker, has passed away.”  

Elizabeth Edwards' new book will be released May 8

My mind moved with my body in tow through the distance of two rooms, to the open doorway of the bedroom where my mother used to sleep. The bed was empty and I heard my father through the bathroom door. He was retching. It was an awful sound, low and monotone, and I sobbed there, like a baby, on the hallway floor because life was supposed to be different for us.  

(My father tells me now he did not throw up. He was brushing his teeth and sometimes when he brushes his tongue he gags himself and makes that horrible retching sound. I’d rather believe the news of Mom’s death made him sick to his stomach because it’s more endearing that way. But, whatever.)

As idiotic as it sounds, when I read the reports of Elizabeth Edward’s interview on Oprah (scheduled for Thursday), and how she spoke about her husband’s affair, I understood when she said her reaction to her husband’s confession was to cry, scream and vomit. It brought me back to that day, when my mother died and my father threw up, because life had changed forever and ever.

And sometimes you just don’t want it to change. 

John Edwards broke my heart, too. He was supposed to be my president. I had chosen him before 2004, before he played second fiddle to John Kerry. And I was a bigger supporter when he ran again in 2008. I read a story in the New York Times magazine how he would serve as a champion to the underprivileged because, though he is insanely wealthy now, he hails from a humble background. I saw visions of Robert Kennedy in him. He was my candidate; (although my son was determined Obama would win). When Edwards withdrew just before Super Tuesday, so did I, temporarily.

I respected his love for his wife. And she won me over by being solid and loyal. There is no denying he is the more attractive of the two, but he seemed to look beyond that. And when the rumors began to circulate that John was having an affair, I refused to believe them because the John I know is good and honest and loves his wife with a passion – his cancer-survivor wife. The one who hid the lump in her breast as Kerry gave his concession speech to the world.

I don’t blame her for sticking with him, for trying to hold tight to that life she knew before the affair. But life is changed forever for her, like it changed more than a decade ago when her oldest son tragically died, and again in 2004, when she discovered she had breast cancer. Life rarely goes as expected. It sends you to great highs and treacherous lows. How one manages to hold on during those times and keep her sanity says a lot about a person.

I think that must be the value of being Resilient.

Photo, Barnes & Noble

Cheating, trendy? I promise, I’m not being sarcastic or snarky here.

Infidelity has been on my mind lately. No, I’m not contemplating stepping out on my boyfriend, but with the news that John Edwards has admitted to an affair and the renewed interest in John McCain’s past infidelities, cheating does seem to be a topic of public interest.

Theories on cheating (who does it? the percentage of people of do it is? do only men do it?) abound, but the answers to these questions differ, depending upon whom you talk to. Affairs may happen for many reasons, is it usually due to some sort of void that needs to be filled, either within the cheater or within a relationship?

According to Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D, in her book, Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity, the new “danger zone” for committed relationships is a combination of work, friends, and the internet. “As these opportunities for intimate relationships increase, the boundary between platonic and romantic feelings blurs and becomes easier to cross.” According to the statistics Glass has amassed in her clinical practice, 50% of female and 62% of male cheaters she has counseled began their affairs through contacts at work. Glass asserts that affairs are not brought about in large part by unloving spouses or a dismal sex life, but rather the participants develop a deep emotional attachment and they lose track of boundaries.

Boundaries, we learn about boundaries from the time we are children. Are cheaters lazy, no longer vigilant about maintaining the boundaries or are they simply selfish and no longer feel that it’s important to maintain the boundaries?

I wasn’t present at the time that Edwards entered into his affair, but from what I’ve read, the woman involved was someone who worked with him on his campaign. And she pointed a camera at him, presenting his image back to him in as complimentary a light as possible (isn’t that what those ads are about?). That had to be an ego booster. I wonder if they had one of these “new” affairs. Did it start because of a shared passion for the process of selling John Edwards to the voting public? (Hey, I bought it, he was my second choice behind Hilary). Or because of a shared sense of values and an agreement on the issues?

This story, it saddens me, but it also interests me because I worry about infidelity. My boyfriend lives 6 hours away - I see him one weekend a month. I want to make my relationship as infidelity-proof as possible. I’m going to keep looking into this subject. I want an answer to that boundary question.

Why do you think that people cheat?

How do you go about talking to your partner about the subject of jealousy?

Jealousy

Jeal”ous*y\, n.; pl. Jealousies. [ F. jalousie. See Jealous, and cf. Jalousie.] The quality of being jealous; earnest concern or solicitude; painful apprehension of rivalship in cases nearly affecting one’s happiness; painful suspicion of the faithfulness of husband, wife, or lover. (Source: dictionary.com)

In an ideal scenario, jealousy should be non-existent in relationships. After all, trust should be present in a healthy relationship. The former contradicts the latter. Without trust, the relationship ought to be non-existent itself.

However, we all know that to be human is to err. No one is perfect, hence, so are relationships. Jealousy can creep in. Everyone has their own set of insecurities. That’s why it brings me to ask the question.

Of course, it’s always recommended to communicate first and not argue. Raising voices will hinder understanding. It will only make the problem worse. Questions not accusations are suggested. Answers not mockery are advised. But, again, we all know we can’t have every conversation go as we hoped it will. We can only hope and persevere.

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A few days ago, a reader of Dating Dames left a comment on the post, The Cheating Boyfriend, presenting a scenario and here’s how it goes:

he said he doesnt have any1 to talk to abt his problems, bcoz i was too busy partying everyday with my friends, so he called this bitch (who adores him like crz) to come to his house to talk. and *you can guess what happen next.
my friends and even the bitch told me what happenned between my bf n the bitch, i was so stupid fr not trusting them, my bf kept denying it n he was friggin mad cuz i didnt believe him at 1st, then after 4 months (after all so-called-rumours) he finally confessed tht he did cheatd on me. it was totally embarassing, he kept saying sorry and everything blabla love me and stuff.
so what do u think? — Dee

Instead of responding there, I thought I’d share to the rest of you what I thought of the situation, too.

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From a Dating Dames Reader asking for the advice:

Dear Dating Dames,

I have a close personal friend who has grown so serious over a certain girl that he’s considering proposing to her soon. I’d hoped he would find out on his own that she has cheated on him several times. That doesn’t seem to be the case and I’m afraid he’s going to get even deeper in something that will end up hurting him much worse.

Should I tell him what I know?

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David Zinczenko from Mysteries of the Sexes Explained presents his argument of four reasons of Why Men Cheat - and while I can ‘understand’ reasons 2 thru 4, I have to admit reason one is a DOOZY!

Ok, before I even attempt to go where David Zinczenko did, let’s visit reasons 2 - 4, shall we?

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“..You shall not covet your neighbour’s wife..”
– Exodus 20:17, NIV

Easily translated to ‘one shouldn’t want someone else’s date or partner.’ Uh, no — I’m not going to go preach-y on you. Don’t worry. I just wanted to point out something that is often present in some people’s preferences especially during the selection process.

In the Dating scene, some people are guilty of such an act. I have to admit — sometimes, that unavailable person is attractive. Usually, what comes to mind is — they’re not married yet so it’s alright. Or I can’t help it if he responds to me. But hey — don’t get me wrong. I will not condone cheating. Yes. I do believe that in everything you do, positive or negative, there will be consequences. Besides, who needs complications, right?

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Yes. We’re going to talk about the Cheating Boyfriend.

How do you deal with a cheating boyfriend?

I’m really curious. I’ve never experienced it, though, I only did have one serious relationship and thank God he didn’t cheat. I think. Hehehe. Well, if he did I never found out! Alright. Alright. I’ll play it nice. As far as I know, he didn’t cheat on me. There you go.

Anyway, what I did experience was being in situations wherein I’d encounter guys who cheated on their girlfriends. But since this is a family friendly blog, that’s all I’m going to disclose. Ha. Kidding. Hahaha.

Actually, I have been observing their actions and I did try to interrogate these guys on why they do cheat. Obviously, I’m still in the dark when it comes to this topic but I sort of got the idea why they cheat but I have nothing to support this theory.

• Guy #1 - The Goat

  He felt stifled by the relationship that’s why he cheated so he can easily get out his current relationship without really fearing being alone. He needed a scapegoat, perhaps? Tsssch.

• Guy #2 - The Player

  He rises up to the challenge. The ultimate adventurer. It is a game to him, after all. But he’s utterly insecure. He needs to quantify his manhood. Bleh.

• Guy #3 - The Maniac

  He’s not getting satisfaction in their sex life [if he has any at all] so he searches for the occasional romp. Either he’s depressed with the performance or reception from his girlfriend. Or perhaps he’s searching for the realisation of fantasies. Be careful of this one. Hahaha.

All I can say, No guy is innocent. He’s guilty. He can try blaming it on problems or women coming on to them but they’re still guilty of engaging in the act. I feel sad for the women who let these guys get away with what they’ve done. And I pity the one who ends up with them. I can only hope that they can effect change on them.