Every cheating situation is extremely different, so every situation should be handled with its own set of circumstances.  Most people try to make a strong statement “Cheating is simple.  It is unforgivable,” but I have seen a variety of situations where specific circumstances have challenged this statement.  I am writing a series of Relationship articles about the difficult situation of cheating and how a couple can avoid, analyze, and move forward from this hurtful behavior.

The Definition of Cheating

What is considered cheating?  If you are dealing with someone who has cheated, they may try to stretch the definition to fit their situation.  It is important to remember that the definition that is important to you is the one that you should enforce.  “We weren’t really together” and “At least we didn’t have sex” are all common excuses that rely on fuzzy definitions of cheating to defend their cheating.  The physical act of sex is only one small aspect of cheating.  Sex is the physical evidence that can never be erased, so it usually finds itself at the absolute center of cheating arguments.  Although the visual images can haunt your partner for life, it is not the biggest issue that you need to deal with and it does not define whether or not cheating has actually occurred.

Cheating doesn’t really need to be defined in any exclusive relationship because pushing the limits with someone outside of your relationship is definitely considered hurtful behavior.  If you are in a committed relationship, then be committed.  Don’t engage in any questionable behavior that involves a strong sexual connection with someone other than your partner.  Extensive close conversations or private email exchanges fall into the cheating category if they involve feelings for another person.

If you’re not sure if your behavior is inappropriate, my advice is:  Ask yourself if you would be tempted to lie about the situation if your partner asked about it.  If you find yourself tempted to lie, then you are engaging in inappropriate behavior that needs to stop unless you are ready to move down the road towards infidelity.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

The Definition of Cheating

I honestly believed that the idea that someone could be dating more than one person at the same time was something that only happened in movies or to extremely naive people.  But unfortunately I am finding out that it is becoming more and more common!  It’s one thing to have a mistress who is fully aware of her status, but it is quite another to convince each woman that they are in an exclusive relationship.  Married men are taking their rings off when they go out to bars and guys with serious girlfriends are starting new relationships on the side.

It might sound like a lot of work for someone to maintain more than one “exclusive” relationship, but I think the frequency in occurrence relates back to ideas of polygamy and a male desire for multiple women.  A male with low self-confidence gets a great boost from new interest from a woman.  Although they want what is new, they are also unwilling to give up the boost coming from the serious relationship they already have.  So the obvious solution is…why not continue both? I doubt that they fully think this scenario through to imagine how it will all be resolved, but I’m pretty sure the dream scenario involves something like two women fighting over one man.

It’s all quite crazy, but I just wanted to bring up the issue to draw attention to the fact that it is happening more and more.  Intelligent women who have had perfectly respectable boyfriends and serious relationships have ended up falling for these lies and getting into a hurtful and sticky situation.

Don’t be overly cautious or snoopy, but do trust your intuition and use your eyes and ears to catch any oddities that could tip you off.

Image: istock

Post from: Blisstree

Is He Cheating…With You?

I read Ann Landers, Dear Abby, and pretty much any other advice columnist that I could get find back in the day. I’m not sure if it was the advice itself or the people telling their troubles that interested me the most. (Probably the troubles – I am naturally nosey). 

I was reading a recent column that covered a husband having an emotional affair with his boss. The emotional affair has the man – married 25 years – spending most of his time with a boss that he admits to feeling an attraction for. He buys her gifts, they spend off-time during the weekend together, they go out for drinks after work, alone. I get the impression that believing that this affair is merely emotional is wishful thinking. It sounds like that is his way of safely explaining the time spent with the boss. He has it out in the open so wife can’t “discover” it and freak out. Wow. That sucks. This cheater sounds either very devious, very smart, and like a real ass.

This emotional affair, with a co-worker, it’s  the next big thing in cheating. People work together they build bonds, they have a team-mentality, and one thing leads to another.

How do people avoid affairs?  How do you keep your partner from cheating?  You can’t, can you? Either they want to be with you and they want to honor that commitment or they don’t.

Sometimes I think about cheating and I wonder if there’s more opportunity to cheat these days or if people simply have a weaker will, a looser set of morals than they used to have. Or possibly cheating happens at the same rate that it always has.

What do you think? If anyone has anything to say, I’d be very interested in your opinion.

Image credit: Sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Is It Possible To Avoid Infidelity?

I’ve read about Jon and Kate  Gosselin. Especially about Kate, people really love-to-hate her, which I find oddly fascinating. She’s just a mom, trying to do her best, like any other mom. I don’t get the venom, the hate, the Kate-as-the-devil-ness of it all. People go on about how she speaks to Jon, talking down to him, or whatever, but that’s behavior that I’ve seen in many relationships. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes it’s the way married people relate.

Lately, there have been headlines about Jon’s possible affair (denied) or Kate’s possible affair (denied).  I’m not there with Jon and Kate, I can’t see how they live their lives away from the camera, but I don’t think that these people have had affairs. I can’t imagine anyone with that many kids having the energy to have an affair – I know I’m exhausted daily by my four.

There’s also the issue of no privacy. I can see a flirtation that troubles a marriage springing up – these are regular people with cameras pointed at them all the time, their egos can’t help but be inflated by that attention. Marriage and raising kids – these are challenging endeavors. Even famous people are only human.

Kate has taken to PEOPLE magazine to voice her concerns.

“I don’t know that we’re in the same place anymore, that we want the same thing,” she says quietly. “I’ve been struggling with the question of ‘Who is this person?’ for a while. I remember where I was the first time I heard her name. It’s one of those things where you can try to make it go away, but there’s blaring, red flashing lights.”

The name to which Kate refers belongs to 23-year-old Deanna Hummel, whose brother later claimed she’d been having a months-long affair with Jon.

I’m no marriage counselor, but airing private maritial matters out in such a public arena, how can that help? 

 
Reality TV appears to be hell on marriages – only the Osbourne’s marriage appears to have emerged unscathed. Okay, maybe that’s not the only one, but when I think back to the couples and families I’ve watched – families that a show focused on – they are it. And they’ve made it through addiction and cancer, so I’d say the Osbournes are a forever match. I sure hope that Jon and Kate can figure it out, because otherwise, one of them is going to go broke paying child support.

Image credit: All Posters.com

Post from: Blisstree

Jon and Kate’s Marriage

Elizabeth Edwards' new book will be released May 8

My mind moved with my body in tow through the distance of two rooms, to the open doorway of the bedroom where my mother used to sleep. The bed was empty and I heard my father through the bathroom door. He was retching. It was an awful sound, low and monotone, and I sobbed there, like a baby, on the hallway floor because life was supposed to be different for us.  

(My father tells me now he did not throw up. He was brushing his teeth and sometimes when he brushes his tongue he gags himself and makes that horrible retching sound. I’d rather believe the news of Mom’s death made him sick to his stomach because it’s more endearing that way. But, whatever.)

As idiotic as it sounds, when I read the reports of Elizabeth Edward’s interview on Oprah (scheduled for Thursday), and how she spoke about her husband’s affair, I understood when she said her reaction to her husband’s confession was to cry, scream and vomit. It brought me back to that day, when my mother died and my father threw up, because life had changed forever and ever.

And sometimes you just don’t want it to change. 

John Edwards broke my heart, too. He was supposed to be my president. I had chosen him before 2004, before he played second fiddle to John Kerry. And I was a bigger supporter when he ran again in 2008. I read a story in the New York Times magazine how he would serve as a champion to the underprivileged because, though he is insanely wealthy now, he hails from a humble background. I saw visions of Robert Kennedy in him. He was my candidate; (although my son was determined Obama would win). When Edwards withdrew just before Super Tuesday, so did I, temporarily.

I respected his love for his wife. And she won me over by being solid and loyal. There is no denying he is the more attractive of the two, but he seemed to look beyond that. And when the rumors began to circulate that John was having an affair, I refused to believe them because the John I know is good and honest and loves his wife with a passion – his cancer-survivor wife. The one who hid the lump in her breast as Kerry gave his concession speech to the world.

I don’t blame her for sticking with him, for trying to hold tight to that life she knew before the affair. But life is changed forever for her, like it changed more than a decade ago when her oldest son tragically died, and again in 2004, when she discovered she had breast cancer. Life rarely goes as expected. It sends you to great highs and treacherous lows. How one manages to hold on during those times and keep her sanity says a lot about a person.

I think that must be the value of being Resilient.

Photo, Barnes & Noble

Post from: Blisstree

In Defense of Elizabeth Edwards

Infidelity has been on my mind lately. No, I’m not contemplating stepping out on my boyfriend, but with the news that John Edwards has admitted to an affair and the renewed interest in John McCain’s past infidelities, cheating does seem to be a topic of public interest.

Theories on cheating (who does it? the percentage of people of do it is? do only men do it?) abound, but the answers to these questions differ, depending upon whom you talk to. Affairs may happen for many reasons, is it usually due to some sort of void that needs to be filled, either within the cheater or within a relationship?

According to Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D, in her book, Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity, the new “danger zone” for committed relationships is a combination of work, friends, and the internet. “As these opportunities for intimate relationships increase, the boundary between platonic and romantic feelings blurs and becomes easier to cross.” According to the statistics Glass has amassed in her clinical practice, 50% of female and 62% of male cheaters she has counseled began their affairs through contacts at work. Glass asserts that affairs are not brought about in large part by unloving spouses or a dismal sex life, but rather the participants develop a deep emotional attachment and they lose track of boundaries.

Boundaries, we learn about boundaries from the time we are children. Are cheaters lazy, no longer vigilant about maintaining the boundaries or are they simply selfish and no longer feel that it’s important to maintain the boundaries?

I wasn’t present at the time that Edwards entered into his affair, but from what I’ve read, the woman involved was someone who worked with him on his campaign. And she pointed a camera at him, presenting his image back to him in as complimentary a light as possible (isn’t that what those ads are about?). That had to be an ego booster. I wonder if they had one of these “new” affairs. Did it start because of a shared passion for the process of selling John Edwards to the voting public? (Hey, I bought it, he was my second choice behind Hilary). Or because of a shared sense of values and an agreement on the issues?

This story, it saddens me, but it also interests me because I worry about infidelity. My boyfriend lives 6 hours away – I see him one weekend a month. I want to make my relationship as infidelity-proof as possible. I’m going to keep looking into this subject. I want an answer to that boundary question.

Why do you think that people cheat?

Post from: Blisstree

Not Just Friends – Was John Edwards Involved In the “New” Trend of Cheating?

Jealousy

Jeal”ous*y\, n.; pl. Jealousies. [ F. jalousie. See Jealous, and cf. Jalousie.] The quality of being jealous; earnest concern or solicitude; painful apprehension of rivalship in cases nearly affecting one’s happiness; painful suspicion of the faithfulness of husband, wife, or lover. (Source: dictionary.com)

In an ideal scenario, jealousy should be non-existent in relationships. After all, trust should be present in a healthy relationship. The former contradicts the latter. Without trust, the relationship ought to be non-existent itself.

However, we all know that to be human is to err. No one is perfect, hence, so are relationships. Jealousy can creep in. Everyone has their own set of insecurities. That’s why it brings me to ask the question.

Of course, it’s always recommended to communicate first and not argue. Raising voices will hinder understanding. It will only make the problem worse. Questions not accusations are suggested. Answers not mockery are advised. But, again, we all know we can’t have every conversation go as we hoped it will. We can only hope and persevere.

Personally, I still am having a hard time finding the right way to talk about jealousy. Reason being is that one, it’s like swallowing my pride. Two, finding the right words to describe the feeling. Three, to be fully objective and not emotional during the conversation is quite difficult. Four, finding the other person unreceptive.

Is it wrong to admit to feeling a little jealous? What’s wrong about speaking up? Wouldn’t you want him or her to speak up rather than silently accuse you of cheating or infidelity? Wouldn’t it give the relationship (and the people in it) the proper respect?

It’s hard to accept that if you do get the courage to face this demon, you’ll only be received with mockery and snap judgments. Blaming you for being paranoid, selfish, or irrational. Even when there you were opening yourself up, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, only to find no support or reassurance.

IMHO, I always believe that as long as you’re communicating, it’s a show of good faith. I believe that it’s you giving the other person a chance to correct you. This act allows a healthy look into the security one feels when it comes to the relationship. As long as a partner is talking, things are still open for discussion.

Having to hear that your partner was jealous about something or someone doesn’t automatically mean he or she is accusing you of cheating. He or she might just be haunted by an insecurity. You may have failed to make him or her feel secure in the relationship.

Regardless of the source of this feeling of jealousy, one thing I know that will kill it — reassurance. This will rekindle the feeling of security. We need a healthy dose of reassurance every once in a while. Is it really worth it to be stingy?

What about you? How do you go about this sort of situation? How would you handle it if your partner tells you he or she had been jealous about something? If you’re the one who had been jealous, how do you go about telling your partner about it?

Post from: Blisstree

Communicating Jealousy

he said he doesnt have any1 to talk to abt his problems, bcoz i was too busy partying everyday with my friends, so he called this bitch (who adores him like crz) to come to his house to talk. and *you can guess what happen next.
my friends and even the bitch told me what happenned between my bf n the bitch, i was so stupid fr not trusting them, my bf kept denying it n he was friggin mad cuz i didnt believe him at 1st, then after 4 months (after all so-called-rumours) he finally confessed tht he did cheatd on me. it was totally embarassing, he kept saying sorry and everything blabla love me and stuff.
so what do u think? — Dee

Instead of responding there, I thought I’d share to the rest of you what I thought of the situation, too.

The thing about relationships that I consider most important is the level of trust. Without it, there’s no point in continuing the relationship. However, I recognise a certain weakness that most women have in terms of emotions and our relationships, we tend to be lenient and forgiving but I’m generalising.

I’m sure everyone will automatically blame the “other woman” first and foremost but fail to consider that the man is as guilty as that woman. Tempted? Lonely? Angry? Curious? Intoxicated? Drugged perhaps? Regardless of the many reasons that a man or woman can conjure up, it doesn’t take away the fact that the deed was done. What’s worse it when he (or she) was given the chance to come clean but denied it.

When it comes to relationships, my major pet peeve is lying. I can’t stand being around people who are dishonest to the point that they’d deceive you. It’s a pretty selfish thing. No can can have the cake and eat it, too. If they have chosen to date or have that relationship with you then he or she should respect the commitment that you both went into.

Dee, he said he claims that he loves you and that you should forgive him and perhaps asking that you give him another chance, know this, if he indeed loved you, he wouldn’t be in this sort of situation with you, you wouldn’t be found questioning his fidelity.

My two cents.

What about you guys? What would you do? Thoughts?

Post from: Blisstree

What Would You Do: He said he didn’t, then ate his words

Dear Dating Dames,

I have a close personal friend who has grown so serious over a certain girl that he’s considering proposing to her soon. I’d hoped he would find out on his own that she has cheated on him several times. That doesn’t seem to be the case and I’m afraid he’s going to get even deeper in something that will end up hurting him much worse.

Should I tell him what I know?

I’ve actually been in a similar situation before and opted to go to the significant other first asking that they not place you in the position of having to tell. Let the S.O. know that one way or the other, your friend will find out about the escapades on the side and he’d probably take it much better from his S.O. then from a friend.

Honesty is always the best approach and when a partner unveils something so painfully and brutally honest, it says a lot for their character.

Perhaps the couple had an agreement held privately that they were seeing other people?

There could be any number of reasons and rather than being the one caught with the egg on your face, try going to the S.O. first.

Anyone else have a better idea?

Post from: Blisstree

To Tell or Not To Tell

Ok, before I even attempt to go where David Zinczenko did, let’s visit reasons 2 – 4, shall we?

 

Reason 2 – To Get Attention (duh!) – I thought it was common knowledge that people cheat because they are heat seeking attention hounds?  Yeah, yeah, perhaps sexual frequency has slowed a bit at home, but do men EVER stop to think of just WHY it’s slowed?  David goes on to agree that there are plenty of men out there who are getting IT regularly at home, but in the end, it’s not about the sex and cheating so much, as it is about the ”woman who showers the man with flirtations, with seduction, with advances that make him feel like he’s worthy of more than just fixing dents in the drywall.”

I’d like to present the SAME argument – different twist – Why is it so difficult for men to shower their women with flirtations, seduction and advances that make HER feel like she’s worthy of more than whipping up something in the kitchen or wiping the kids runny noses?  NEWSFLASH – Women LOVE attention too!

Reason 3 – To Get Out! – Ok, this one hits the nail on the head.  So many people (not just men) are wimps when it comes to telling their partner they’re just not happy and want out.  So off they go to commit the ultimate kiss of death for any relationship.  It’s an easy way out and there’s a lot less guilt attached – because most likely – that person is NEVER going to want to talk to you again!

Reason 4 – To Change Up His Play List:  Ok, this guy is a caveman! - David says – “Think about what’s on your iPod. You have your favorite songs you play over and over, but every once in a while, you’re in the mood to hear something you haven’t played in a long time. You don’t need to hear it but once every month or so, but still, you appreciate the changeup. Relationships need to be like good iPods lists.”

I’m sorry, but relationships are NOTHING like iPods!  They take a lot of work!  More often than not, people have said that being IN and supporting a Successful relationship is the most difficult of challenges they’ve ever faced.  But it’s also the most rewarding as well.

Now, although number 4 kind of blew me away, this one just pushed me over the edge:

To Fulfill His Biology: “You know the old anthropological tale. A man’s main job, besides killing the saber-tooth, is to spread his seed in order to ensure the survival of his genetic legacy. It’s a man’s biology to want to wander. Does that mean he should, or that he can’t help it? Of course not. But it does mean that a man is going to have strong-extremely strong-biological urges to knock on the doors of neighboring huts.”

Ok, this sounds WAY too much like something Kevin Federline, the former Mr. Britney Spears, would come up with.

To fulfill his biology my rear!  It sounds like some sort of lame and easy argument that women are expected to take in order to forgive their man parking their boots under someone elses bed once in a while.

Hogwash!  It’s also a woman’s biological desire to be wanted, needed and loved.  In many cases women want to be mother’s FIRST and foremost – but society sure doesn’t allow that, now do they?

Men expect women to keep those monthly urges to kill small furry creatures under control, well I expect men to keep those “biological urges to spread their seed” under control.

Post from: Blisstree

Why Men Cheat