What is intimacy?

Is it sex? A kiss? Laughter? A squeeze of the hand? Or is it something more than that?

Those butterflies in your stomach when you’re going out on a first date…or the surge of excitement right before the doors open at the airport and your eyes search to find your lover is standing on the other side..or the anticipation right after you say “I love you” for the first time and maybe/maybe not that other person will say it back?

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Is that intimacy?

I think intimacy is a lot of things, but I don’t think any of the above could be labeled as such. Sure, a lot of it is love. Some lust. Some just the general sense of newness that most of us crave throughout our lives.

But intimacy to me is something more. The Merriam-Webster’s definition is decidedly lackluster (“something of a personal or private nature”) and even Wikipedia’s attempt (“a familiar and very close connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other.”) conveys a great deal of bias.

So what the heck is it?

Here is how I see intimacy, since a suitable definition alludes me.

Intimacy is…

…knowing that he is pretending to still be sleeping while you’re doing early morning chores - and finding that endearing.

…being able to say “I stepped in a puddle on the way home so my shoes are going to reek when I take them off. Just sayin’.” and knowing he’ll still love you and think you’re pretty.

…calling each other on your flaws and personality quirks, but in a way to help each other grow and become better people.

…not laughing when he almost refers to himself as a chef in Williams & Sonoma, only two weeks after first picking up a cookbook (but teasing him about it later and both of you laughing about it - without judgement.)

…knowing how your partner sleeps (I toss and turn, he’s solidly in one place all night) and feeling like the bed is empty when it’s just you there.

…picking up on the languages and vocabulary in each others professions/passions through osmosis - or rather, because you both were actually listening to all those ramblings over dinner.

…always saying “I love you” when you feel it, and totally meaning it, because we only get so many chances to say it.

What is intimacy to you?

This post is for you, Gayla!

During my morning online news romp, I discovered an article about a couple who decided to embark on a journey. After eleven years of marriage, two kids and careers, they were feeling less than content with their relationship. So, they went to the extreme, in order to make their marriage stronger. They both committed to having sex, every day, for 101 days. The whole purpose of this exercise was to bring the couple closer together through increased physical intimacy. You can read the whole article by clicking on this sentence.

I have a few things to say about this. First, if they had sex every day for 101 days, wouldn’t that mean that they did it while she was menstruating? I don’t know about you ladies, but when I’m experiencing cramps and hemorrhaging, I do not want to be talked to or touched, much less penetrated. Secondly, it just seems to me that the act would become mundane and nothing more than an obligation. To me, sex should be a spontaneous demonstration of your love and affection for your spouse/partner. I would not enjoy it as much if I knew that we had to do it.

So, what happens when you get sick, or are just exhausted? How do you keep the sex fun and interesting? What happens if you get pregnant while on this sex-capade? You can ask all of your burning questions on the website. Personally, I like my sex life, just the way it is. I also think that if our relationship needs some sprucing up, obligated sex will not be the route I choose to take. Intimacy does not lie in sex alone, rather a multi faceted approach, which includes increased communication, affection and effort to do whatever it takes to make the other person happy. The couple claims that they achieved all of these through sex. I just fail to see how. While I’m sure that my hubby would love the idea of increased sex, it would not be the only route to achieving marital bliss.