We did have a plan to move in together at one point, but circumstances, meaning job stuff, changed those plans.   Since that time, we have not spoken about it again.  Our visits have been timed farther apart, but that’s due to gas prices more than anything else.  Even though our time together felt normal and okay when he was in town, part of me was worried.  Why didn’t he bring it up again?  How come he was able to go for long periods without talking to me? 

A couple of things changed  my outlook in less than a week. One was reading the column that featured the Involved/Committed chart and I figured out that I was involved and he was the one who was truly committed. The other was the realization that I am a bit overwhelmed by my life right now and this, these short visits every 6 weeks or so, they are all I am up to right now.  All of a sudden, I felt more relaxed and ready to enjoy our time together. 

I used to do this thing when I was a kid – I’d read the end of the book way ahead of time.  I had to know how things were going to end and once I knew, I could relax and enjoy the story.  Right now, I don’t know how things are going to end, but I’m okay with that.  Just knowing that I love someone who has faith in us, that’s enough for me, because he’s a smart guy and I trust that he knows what he’s talking about. 

Sometimes love is like that, you close your eyes, you grab the hand of your loved one, and together you jump.   If you get to that jumping off point at the same time, great, but if you don’t, try to be patient, everyone has their own timetable and there’s no forcing true and honest commitment. 

Post from: Blisstree

Ready To Jump

Robin, my sister, and her husband, Matt, have been married for 15 years. They dated and lived together for a few years before that, so basically they’ve been together for close to 20 years. In that time their relationship, like any relationship that lasts for a length of time, has had it’s ups and downs. They’ve been able to ride out the rough parts and I admire and respect that.

I believe that real love is when people stick it out and don’t give up when things get ugly. Before I started writing for Dating Dames, I read a number of back entries. One covered whether a person was “Involved” or “Committed.” So many times when things aren’t exactly the way I want them to be with S, I get stressed and question if we have a future. He doesn’t do this. Sometimes he gets overwhelmed and I don’t hear from him for a bit, but when he’s back, he’s back. I applied the two of us to the chart and I realized that I was involved and he was committed. It was a big eye opener.

I asked Matt and Robin if they had any words of advice for me to share with you readers. Matt said that patience was imperative. He said it with a look at Robin and she made a joke about needing space. I got the impression that they were teasing each other, but what they said, both patience and space are important in a healthy relationship. They are both generous with allowing each other to have time apart – Matt and his buddy enjoy the races and going to movies, while Robin and her girlfriends like to take day trips to nearby wineries.

They work together to make their marriage work and they patiently wait out the rough stuff because they trust that each partner is fully committed to their relationship.

Post from: Blisstree

Matt and Robin’s Words of Wisdom

Let me briefly paint a picture hopefully to define each:

Involved

You want to be in the relationship. You want to be a part of the other person’s life and vice versa. You are present in the relationship with all good intentions. You are after the results (short or long term). Your decisions are based on what will get you those results.

Committed

You are all those things an involved partner are. However, you take it a couple of steps more. How? You would never give up on the relationship nor your partner. You will see things through. You will finish what you started. You sacrifice without resentment. You are after the achievement of the goal. Your decisions are based on your core principles.

Knowing who you are in that relationship you’re in will help you see things in a different light. It’s not all about self-love or self-preservation. It’s not about waning passions or exhaustion. It’s about how you define love. It’s about how well-founded your principles are. You find fulfillment in knowing you are willing to take care of the good things that you have in your life.

Perhaps when you find out which one you are you’ll finally realise why all the relationships (and probably the sort of work you produce) you were ever in fell through.

You don’t want to wake up one day and find that you have all the things you have worked hard for and yet you still feel the emptiness. Yea, you are with someone but you know you will give up when you want to.

Better decide which one you are and you’ll feel so much better.

Post from: Blisstree

Involved or Committed?