If you have been feeling this recent economic relationship strain, don’t worry because you are not alone.  I have been hearing about new and challenging issues from friends and family in all stages of relationships.  Here are some common challenges:

• We can’t afford to fly to visit each other anymore.
• I can’t move to a new city to be with him because I can’t find a job.
• I can’t afford to go out to the bars and pay for drinks.
• I can’t afford to take someone out to a dinner and a movie.
• We pooled our finances and it’s not enough to buy a place to live.
• We can’t afford to put on a wedding.
• We didn’t want both of us to have to work.
• I can’t afford an engagement ring.
• Now that we’re married, we don’t want to ask our parents for money.
• I lost my job and I need to just focus on myself.

All of these issues exist for many couples regardless of the economic recession.  But if you are one of the lucky few who only find yourself in these negative situations because of a fall in stock prices, my advice is:

• Patience. If your relationship is strong, then you can wait it out.  Maybe you have to pay rent or continue long distance for a couple more years than you had planned, but stay calm and remember what’s important in your life.  After you make it through these challenges, your relationship could be stronger than ever!
• Budget. There are ways to impress your date and provide for your family without spending tons of money.  Don’t push your budget because of other people.  Figure out what you can afford and live within your means.  Everyone is stretching their money right now, so don’t feel uncomfortable about holding back on things that you could have paid for a few years ago.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

The Economy is Affecting My Relationship

I want to address the issue of the transition between being apart and being together.  When you are in a long distance relationship you look oh-so-forward to those wonderful weekends that you get to spend in the same place.  For one weekend you think that you will be like normal couples and get to do everything together.  Sometimes you plan trips across many miles just to see each other for a few precious moments.

If you haven’t seen your significant other in awhile and have been operating in a long distance relationship, there is definitely an element of awkwardness that will be introduced during the transition period.  As soon as you arrive at the airport you will imagine that you will become a completely “normal” couple, but there is always a period of time where you need to adjust.  You can’t just transition from being a voice on the phone to being a real live human body without some sort of tension.

I want to bring up this issue because I think that it is an important element in long distance relationships that needs to be accepted.  A lot of times visits are extremely short and it’s possible that you might not ever make it through the transition phase.  You might feel just a little bit “off” and blame the feeling on problems in your relationship.  The truth is that this is completely normal!

You have a long distance relationship and a “physically together” relationship and it takes a good amount of adjusting to get from one to the other.  Imagine how different your life is when your partner is in town and when they aren’t:  you spend zero time together and then you spend all of your time together; you spend all of your time talking and then you don’t need to spend any time talking!

If you find that sometimes you get in arguments or don’t gel as well you usually do on short visits, think about the idea of the transition period between arrival and being fully comfortable.  It’s entirely possible that you are a compatible couple, but you just have difficulties adjusting to being in the same place when you usually aren’t.  Figure out if this is a factor in your long distance relationship and maybe it will answer some of the questions that you have about planning trips to see each other and managing your time spent together.

Image: Flickr ] Jonathan [

Post from: Blisstree

Long Distance: Transitions Are Difficult

I had a good 4th of July holiday. I enjoyed my family and my friends stopped by for a visit in the evening, but I could not help wishing for a different sort of day next year. I’d like someone to plan with and shop with and cook with. I’d like my man with me when we are sitting on the patio, laughing with our friends. I want a family that includes a partner.

I’ve spent almost the entirety of my adult life single. I liked being single, appreciated the simplicity of it, the lack of hassle, the independence, but after a few years of that I decided that I was ready for something more. I began dating and was involved in first one, then this long distance relationship. Today, I am feeling a bit lonely and discouraged. How long does it have to be this way?  How long until we have even a short visit together again?  It bothers me that I feel uncomfortable asking those sort of questions.  Communication is important.

When I get like this, and I do get like this sometimes, I’m only human, I try to think of the long term goals that I have for my relationship. I try to remember that the absence won’t last forever, that it will be worth it when we are together again, but it’s hard to think that way when those ideas are abstract, when there’s no plan in place.  I don’t operate well with a completely open-ended future. I’m the kind of person who needs to work toward a goal. My life is full of a lot of uncertainty and I need some things to be constant or safe. This is one of those things.  

I think it’s time to concentrate on the things that I can control. I need to get my home better organized, work on my budget. Bay needs to practice driving and Sarah is teaching me the guitar. Max has some medical appointments and that requires my complete attention.

Hopefully the relationship stuff will fall into place. I know that my boyfriend cares for me. I will do my best to be more patient. 

And my next post will be more peppy. I promise.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

Absence Makes the Heart Grow… Lonely

As I’ve mentioned before, talking to someone on the phone, you miss a lot of those cues. Texting is even worse and no matter how many times I say, “I don’t want to talk about serious things while texting,” we do just that – we talk about serious things while texting. We argue with our fingers. It’s ridiculous. I hate this distance thing and I do not throw the word “hate” around. Usually I reserve it for Hitler and houseflies, although it would cover terrorists, as well.

I was starting to focus on the problems, the stress, the hurt feelings, and forgetting why I fell in love with him in the first place. I was at the point where I thought, okay maybe we’ve taken this one as far as it can go. I hadn’t given up completely, but I was feeling a step away from there.

Today, I was riding my bike, which is where I do my best thinking, and his song came on my earphones – Swing Life Away, by Rise Against. As I listened to the words I remembered how we bonded over simple ideas like a relationship is a team, a partnership, and shared memories of growing up in the same small town. He would say that coming home to someone who loves you, that makes all the challenges in life – work trouble, finances – easier to handle. He was a man who was actively looking for a committment and I hadn’t met a man like that in more years than I can count.

The fighting, we’ve got to find a way to avoid it. I’m not a person who has any interest in winning an argument. I do not like yelling. It paralyzes me in a way, reminds me of too many scary things. The easiest way to explain how I react is this – I lose my words. If we are fighting, there isn’t going to be any winner, I tell him. We will both lose. It has to stop. This doesn’t mean that I need someone to always agree with me, but I do need someone who can let some things go. Not everything is worth a battle.

When Bay was a little younger, we had a really hard time. She’s scream at me, tell me how much she hated me, using language that I can’t repeat here. It sucked. I felt like I was looking at a stranger. One day I found a box of old pictures and I got an idea. I took a picture of her at an especially sweet time and I taped it to the refrigerator door. When she would act ugly, I’d look at that photo and remember that my beautiful baby still lived inside that crazy teenager.

My boyfriend, he’s no crazy teenager, but sometimes he’s just as frustrating (I’m sure he would say the same about me – I’m no angel, but I do try….). I’m going to use his song the same way I did my Bailey-picture. It will be my constant, the place I can come back to, to regroup and remember that we won’t always live so far from each other…..Someday we will be fighting in the same room…..okay, that was a joke.

Image credit: Chase Your Bliss Photography

Post from: Blisstree

Music Will Be My Constant

Here are the things I learned about us this week:

*The first night is tricky, but every night thereafter, I sleep better beside someone that I love. Plus, I feel that I can safely sleep with the window open a little.

*I enjoy cooking for someone who is used to heating things up when he’s on his own. I know it’s old-fashioned, but I enjoy feeding my man, taking care of him.

*I’m not very good recognizing sarcasm. Mark says I’m like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.

*My boyfriend is “calm,” “kind,” “gentle,” “golden,” and a “gentleman,” according to friends and family. I am in complete agreement.

*We were right about our connection all along.

Meeting someone this way, talking to an old friend online, on the phone, for a period of time, it truly can work out. You take the time to get to know each other – the ideas, the goals, the heart of a person – when you have to focus on their voice, their words. One of my closest friends, she met her husband as a pen pal first. She said that they hadn’t met in person, hadn’t talked on the phone, and still she felt that she missed him desperately. They’ve been married almost 20 years.

I know that first impressions and attraction are important, but I wonder how many wonderful chances at happiness we might miss out on because we are too hung up on the chemistry?

 I knew my boyfriend when we were kids and I thought he was sweet and funny, but for some reason I didn’t see him as a boyfriend.

I look at him now and I see my beautiful boyfriend. He’s my sexy-gentleman. There’s all kinds of chemistry.

Image credit: Mark

Post from: Blisstree

Chemistry Schemistry

What does this say? Is it a peek into his psyche?  No, you silly girl. We are just talking snacks…. It also tells me that my milk chocolate stash is safe. Phew. That is a relief.

Here’s something that I really like – when I work, he comes back to visit me. A lot. He leans over, kisses me, says something funny, kisses me again. I could seriously get used to that. Kissing and laughing are two of my favorite things.

I’m not surprised by the visits. When he’s in Colorado, he sends me a lot of little messages throughout the day. I appreciate the attention, I appreciate the effort he puts into building a connection. He’s a very sweet man and I feel very lucky to have found him.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

My Attentive Boyfriend

This morning, he sent me a good morning text, as he does every morning. (He’s very attentive that way).

Being that it’s a work morning and he is in a different time zone, it woke me up. I don’t mind, I love any and all contact with him, but the message mentioned, “only 2 more days,” and I was so excited.  I could not go back to sleep.

Instead, I opened the window so that Kitty could sit on the ledge and look out, then I grabbed my book, The Development, by John Barth, and tried to settle in to wait for the 6:50 am alarm.

As much as I am enjoying the book – a series of 9 short stories about mature-age couples – I could not concentrate. Instead I was working on mental to-do lists and day-dreaming about what it will be like to wake up next to my guy.

Honestly, that is what I am most looking forward to – having him close without having the phone in my hand, hearing him breathe when he is asleep, his sleepy-gruff-voiced “good morning,” not in text form.

Oh, yay. I’m a bit on the giddy side.

I wish you a wonderful day. I hope you find a bit of giddy for yourself.

Seaweed image credit: Michelle Smith

Book cover credit: Barnes and Noble.com

Post from: Blisstree

It’s Almost Here…

Neither option is simple in itself, though. Moving on means missed opportunities and unanswered questions about what if, if only, and might have been.

Moving forward means a person will examine their intentions in depth and question what they want, what their partner wants until they feel as if their head may crack open, sending all those well-examined thoughts spilling out on the floor. (Ooh, that was kind of gross). They may think, okay, this is it, this is what I want, then when voicing that to someone else, it all sounds crazy or maybe it sounds “normal,” but it should sound crazy.

I’m at the it should sound crazy, but makes so much sense to me, point. My man and I have talked things through so many times. We know were we’d like to be, we are in a hurry to get there, but distance and expenses hold us back. Maybe this is a good thing, the being forced to wait. Maybe the Universe has a plan for us.

I get so caught up in wanting to be together all the time, that I forget to just enjoy what we have now. Every so often I have to stop, shake off the stress and need, and redirect myself. We’ll get there, when we get there. We’ve got all the time in the world. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I repeat that over and over to myself.

Image credit: All Posters.com

Post from: Blisstree

Slow Down, You Move Too Fast

The distance forces you to question the attraction, the relationship, and where you see it going very early on. It’s expensive to travel and to take time off work. You want to be sure, so you talk it to death in your head and if you are lucky, you talk it to death with your new partner.

And if you don’t, if they aren’t willing to put that work in during the beginning, do not expect them to do it later on in the relationship, because I know from experience that they won’t.

Here are some things that I’m going to try this go ’round. My new boyfriend is more than willing to put that work in, to talk about the scary stuff, so I am one of the lucky ones.

*Figure out how you are going to share the traveling. Will you take turns?  Will you split the cost, because it isn’t fair for all of that to be on one person. It’s got to be equitable or it will lead to resentment very quickly.

*How often will you get together?  I found before that it helped to have some idea when we’d see each other again. Just this huge empty window with no trip planned for the future, really not a good feeling.

*Try to touch base fairly often. It only takes a few minutes to send someone a “good morning” text before you go to sleep at night and boy is it thrilling to find that text first thing in the morning. It’s easy to feel disconnected, but it’s also easy to remedy that feeling. Do take the time to do so. You will not be sorry.

*Be realistic about the time that you and your partner are able to put toward the relationship. You’ve each got work, home, family, and friends to deal with. You have to continue to live a full life and not make your entire day about that evening phone call with your honey. Of course, that will be the highlight of your day, but don’t forget to eat, take out the garbage, and meet your girlfriends for margaritas, too.

It isn’t easy, but the rewards are well worth the effort. Good luck!

Image credit: All Posters.com

Post from: Blisstree

4 Tips for Long Distance Relationships

At the end of this long break, I began to meet men for coffee dates, and then I’d think, okay, I’m done – don’t need another “date” for a few months. I was out of practice and honestly not very interested in experiencing the stress that meeting these new people caused. I went out with one guy a couple of times, or really just once, but he insisted on being “my boyfriend,” even though I said, I do not want a “boyfriend.” It took me 2 weeks of a 3 week “relationship” to finally deliver that message. 

Then, pretty much by chance, I began talking to my ex-boyfriend from high school who lives in the next state. We started out as friends for a few months talking daily, then things progressed after he came for a visit in the Summer. We’ve been involved in a committed relationship for more than a year. In that time things have been either very, very natural and easy or very, very complicated and needlessly hard. 

I love him, but he does not making loving him very easy at times. Sometimes he ignores me. For days or even weeks at a time. I know that is not a good sign. When I talk to my girlfriends, I can hear in their voices and see on their faces that they are concerned for me, unsure why I continue. When he is here, he is wonderful. He gives all of us so much love, affection, attention, he cooks and…..it’s all so very, very good.  Then, he goes home and he goes back to work and he gets depressed. He works in a business that is affected, like so many are, by the current bad economy. He works many hours for too little money and he isn’t able to reach the goals that he has set for himself. 

I try to keep this in mind and to remember how he’s explained that it’s not about me, has nothing to do with me, but he does not live in a vacuum and I don’t ask for a lot. What I’d like is a phone call or two a week. A text message or two a week. A short email would be good. What do I get? Well, he did email me one time a couple of weeks ago. He called me about 8 days ago (after I had not spoken with him in more than a week), but he had to go right away and said he would call me back. He didn’t. He has not acknowledged any attempt I’ve made to contact him for more than a week. He is a salesman, his phone is on him at all times.  

When you are involved in a long distance relationship, there’s a certain amount of maintenance that is required or it doesn’t feel like much of a relationship at all.  I have tried to explain this to him. It wasn’t hard for him to do before. If his intentions have not changed, then why is it hard now?  His plan is for us to be together all the time someday. When?  In a year? In five years?  In ten years? In the meantime I’m supposed to live like this, feeling that I’m invisible and unimportant and not worthy of a two minute phone call? That sucks and I refuse to do it for too much longer. 

I thought that if I went into a relationship with the best of intentions and let my man be himself that it would work out okay.  I thought that if I had realistic expectations and thought of us in terms of a team, instead of just me, me, me, I thought it would be okay. I have done my best to be patient, to be open-minded, to be caring and respectful of his life and lifestyle. 

I’ve been living without a partner for 15 years and I’m ready for a change. I feel that somehow I have moved so far down his list that I don’t matter anymore. I’m tired of pep-talking myself, saying, oh he’s so busy, he’s so busy……… Who isn’t busy?  Who isn’t worried about the economy? Do these things really give him the excuse to be rude and careless with my feelings? Is a phone call a week asking too much?  I’ve been very clear about what I need from him. He knows it hurts me when he ignores me, because I’ve said, “Hey, it hurts when you do this.” 

A future with him could be wonderful if he’d let it be, but some people, they won’t let themselves be truly happy. I’m afraid that he’s one of those people – I’m afraid he’s too much with the self-sabotage. I don’t doubt his love when he’s here, but he’s here so infrequently. It’s just very hard to figure things out sometimes and I thought I’d write it all out here, see if I could get things straight in my head. It’s still not straight, but I appreciate you taking the time to read my ramblings.  

Have you been involved in a long distance relationship?  If so, is this the kind of thing that everyone in this sort of relationship goes through?

Post from: Blisstree

I’m Feeling A Bit Heartsick