Sex isn’t the only way people control their mates.  Money is the other big control issue I think.  I know that psychologists say that there are other issues, in-laws, discipline of children, etc. ..but I would venture a guess that these are secondary to either the sex or money (or both) issues that are going on in a marriage.

In fact, I think that lack of sex may often the result of one of the primary wage earner not being upfront about the money…

Just like I think that it is primarily women who withhold sex as a control issue from their husbands, I think that men use money to control thier wives, as a general rule.  It can turn into a vicious cycle.

Thing is, no one is going to have the exact same view on how money is spent.  There is always a cheap spouse and an extravagant spouse.  I am the cheap one in our family.  Not only can I make a penny stretch, I can make it jump through hoops, and do the tango.

It isn’t that I am stingy, I just prefer to wait to buy things until I can pay cash and any necessary expenses are paid.  That was how I was raised.  Save 10 percent, give ten percent to charity, pay your bills and enjoy the excess.  But enjoying the excess never happened until the rest of the list was taken care of. Growing up, it always was.

There are people who spend money unwisely.  Rather than waiting, holding off on a purchase that is unnecessary they feel they must have what they want RIght Now. Thing is, there is always the next thing.  There are lots of cool purchases out there and the advertisers are going to make sure you know it!

The problem comes in, I think, when you have a nonspender, married to a spender and the nonspender continually gives up things to save money…which the spender then spends.  Not that they intentionally do it mind you.   It is a matter of the spender not thinking things through because they have the want it right now mentality.

So the nonspender reigns in the money tighter…the spender gets frustrated and begins spending secretly…and you have a massive problem that could have been resolved early on with communication, honesty, and a willingness to compromise.

I know of a woman who has created so much financial havoc in her home with her secret spending and charging that the family lost their house to foreclosure.  I know a woman who feels that divorce might be the only answer to make sure that she doesn’t lose anymore security because her husband is addicted to things.

The problem is serious, and like sexual issues, really isn’t talked about seriously enough or often enough.

If you are lousy with money then there are a ton of books and classes on how to be good with money.  It isn’t a talent, it is a learned ability.  The Financial Peace Seminar by Dave Ramsey (you can get it at amazon) is the best I have read, followed by Rich Dad, Poor Dad.  In fact, I am going to be redoing the shopping guide in the side bar and will add those in there in a day or so.  If you are going to buy them, use my links, please .

If you have money issues in your marriage here are somethings you can do:

1. Talk, with a willingness to really listen to the other point of view
2. If you have lied or been deceptive about money, how much you make, or how much you spend, you need to repent and admit it and ask forgiveness.  Lying and hiding your actions is a pretty clear cut sign of addiction whether you are lying about booze, drugs, sex, or money.
3. Be willing to be accountable to someone besides your spouse about your spending.  Making your spouse control you or oversee what you do will add responsibility to them that will make things just weird.  Don;t turn your husband into your dad or your wife into your mom.  Put your grown up panties on and get real.
4. Agree on a budget.
5. Don’t spend what you don’t have.
6. If you don;t have a savings account you don’t have any business taking a vacation to the Bahamas.
7. Create a common goal.  If both of you are working together toward the same goal, the spender-spouse will be less likely to spend money unnecessarily.
8. Lying is never ever ever cool.  If you find yourself in a lie then there is a problem.  Stop right there are figure out what the problem is.
9. Don;t expect to agree all the time.
10. If there is anyway you can each have a set amount ot play with every pay check that will help.  If both of you have 25 dollars a paycheck then the spender-spouse can blow it on whatever and the saver-spouse can tuck it away for something special or security.  IF you do this the only way it will work is if the spender-spouse agrees that the allowance is the only money he/she does not have to give account of.  He/she can’t spend the allowance and then go buy something else with the savings or the credit card or what-have-you.  AND if there is a financial crisis the saving spouse should not lose his savings to the crisis.  Read Aesop’s Grasshopper and Ant story.

Financial issues can be worked through if both spouses are willing to try, to work, to be honest, and to partner in the solution.

image:morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

Money and Sex, Top Reason’s for Divorce, Part 2

Bald Man has been asking me for years if I’m ready to take on the budget and money stuff in the home. I’ve been resisting it for ages. Too much responsibility. Takes up too much time. I don’t wanna.

I’ve finally given in. I know it makes more sense for me to run it all, seeing as I’m the one managing the house in general. I know what’s required for groceries and most of the other expenditures.

I think my biggest reservation concerning all of it is that I know I won’t do it the same as Bald Man. I can’t, it’s just not me. And I knew that it would frustrate us both if I tried. So, when I finally decided to take it over, it was with a promise to Bald Man that I would do it, but my own way. He’s not allowed to get frustrated or bothered by the way that I do it, not if he expects me to keep the responsibility. I think we’re both finally there, and ready to move forward.

Wish me luck.

photo credit

Post from: Blisstree

The Tables Are Turned…

Not my drug mule…..my candy mule.

Today marks our 11th Anniversary (yay, us!), so we celebrated by dropping the kids off at grandma’s (thanks, grandma) and ran off to see Baby Mama. If you enjoy the Fey-Poehler comedy team, you’ll love this flick. (That’s not a guarantee, btw, just an educated assumption. )

So, anyway, we’re not rich. But even if we were, I really can’t stand the thought of paying 3 or 4 bucks for a box of candy at the movies. That’s not to say I’ve never done it, but boy am I pissy as I munch through that box of Snow Caps. (Okay, who’s kidding who? Snow Caps are way too happy a food to consume while pissy.) Anyway, I hate how much they can charge for pre-made popcorn and unimaginable amounts of soda.

So, today I cheated. On the way to the movies, we stopped at the dollar store for a box of Whoppers. Guess how much they cost? Oh good, you were paying attention. ONE DOLLAR! For what would have been about 3.50 at the movies (that’s almost a gallon of gas nowadays!!!).

One problem…..I didn’t have a purse with me. I hate carrying a purse, especially on (almost) carefree summer days. So, I tried putting it in my pocket with my sweatshirt wrapped around my waist. No good. The very tip of the box could be seen, no matter how I placed the sweatshirt. Well, all except for just wearing the thing backward. And, yes, the corner of the box showing would have bothered me. If you know me at all, you know that I’m terrified of getting caught breaking rules, no matter how stupid the rule.

Finally, I asked Bald Man if he could wrap it up in the sweatshirt that he was carrying. That’s when he accused me of using him as a mule. I said it was that or the Whoppers were going down my pants. So, in the end, he was a willing mule (not that he had a choice ).

Yeah, he’s been married to 11 years of my craziness. Congrats to him.

What kinds of silly things do you ask of your spouse?

photo credit: jpockele

Post from: Blisstree

He’s my mule…

Don’t take this as a complaint, because it isn’t. I actually enjoy the process… to a degree anyway. A couple years ago i told my sister-in-law she would have to start doing her own, not because I was unwilling, but because hers were getting pretty complicated and I was no longer confident in putting myself behind her return. (Musicians! Sheesh! )

It just isn’t something I was expecting.

What about you? Is one of you the “tax professional” of the household? And has he or she turned into the tax professional of the extended family as well?

Post from: Blisstree

Marriage & Taxes – Helping the Family

Holy Crap!

I know… I know. It’s a (hopefully) once in a lifetime kind of day, but for serious, that’s a lot of freakin’ money! That’s a college education, a few cars or a nice down payments on a house… that you can live in for the NEXT HUNDRED YEARS!

Jeremy, over at Make Wealth History, has gathered a few fantastic remarks about the data including this one which has wonderful flair:

“The spectacle involved in modern marriage is in inverse proportion to its meaning. The more devoid of content the institution becomes, the more a grotesquely postmodern, style-over-substance principle applies. The entire event becomes a swaggering parody of some bygone society wedding.”

Now, I don’t recall exactly what we paid for our wedding, but I KNOW it wasn’t anywhere close to this. Kerri estimates $3000-5000 all in. Even adjusting for inflation we’re still talking less than $7000… dinner for more than 100 guests included!

Hannah Betts, mentioned over at MWH has it right: The wedding is the premise of the marriage, not its pinnacle.

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Post from: Blisstree

How Much for a Wedding!!!

One question you may have – particularly if you got married during 2007 – relates to your filing status. Here are some basics that you may find useful. Before going any further I should probably make the normal disclaimers: I’m not a tax professional; you are responsible for your own tax choices; and if you’re not confident in those choices, then seek professional help… I mean professional TAX help.

• First off, your legal marital status on December 31 is what the IRS looks at. It doesn’t matter when you got married. The last day is what counts for tax purposes. Tied the know on New Year’s Eve? You count as married all year to the IRS.
• Next, “married” refers to your legal status as defined by your state. If you’ve lived together for years but aren’t in the state’s eyes married, then you’re not married.
• Although there are five filing statues, most married couples have only two choices when it come to filling out their 1040, Married Filing Jointly or Married Filing Separately. (Certain individuals who are married but do not live with their spouse may be able to file as Head of Household. See a tax pro for more info.)
• Most of the time Married Filing Jointly is the way to go. Doing so allows you to take advantage of more and/or higher limits on tax deductions and tax credits. However, in certain circumstances it may make sense for you to choose Married Filing Separately. I’ll hint at one such situation…
• Be aware that Married Filing Jointly means each spouse takes full credit and responsibility for the tax return. This is true no matter how the income or expenses break down. If the IRS were to take issue with something, they can come after both OR either spouse.

Post from: Blisstree

Marriage and Taxes: Which Way to File?

• Married couples filling jointly will receive rebates of either $600 or $1200 depending on their income level and federal income tax.
• Rebates would be increased by $300 for each dependent child with no limit currently.
• Unlike the 2001 rebates, where were more like an advance on your tax refund (or loan which increased your tax liability), the 2008 rebates are straight up payments.

I’ll stay out of the debate on whether or not I think this is a good idea. I’m just a messenger today. But I will leave you with a quick civics lesson.

Post from: Blisstree

Tax Rebates: How Much Do They Want To Give You?

We’ll probably talk about this some more in the coming weeks, but for now, let me suggest you file early and file often. (Not sure what that last bit means.) Seriously, start now. Even if you have reason to wait until the last minute, get everything done and ready early, so you and your spouse aren’t at each others throats on the 14th of April. Unlike the dentist statistic above, it is true that disagreements over finances are a leading cause of divorce.

For example, I have done the taxes our entire married life… and for a year or two before that as well. It’s the right division of labor for us. (Thanks to an employer who’s quick with the W-2 and a nice Child Tax Credit, I e-Filed for our refund last night.) That said, I do my best to make sure Kerri is aware of what’s going on. Truth be told, she’s only marginally interested and doesn’t understand a lot of it (because she’s only marginally interested and hasn’t needed to understand it with any depth.) But, I tell her as much as she’ll bear to listen each year for two reasons.

First, I want her to have some clue what I’ve done in case something happens to me. She may not know the details, but if I die and someone is helping her get the finances in order, I want there to be some memory of what I’ve done in the back of her mind.

Second, it’s a matter of accountability. If one person keeps the books and the other doesn’t have any clue what’s going on, it can become too tempting for the first person to start playing games that lead to trouble. Sometimes the games are sinister; but my gut is they are most often good faith attempts to protect the uninformed spouse from some family misfortune or mistake. By keeping Kerri in the financial loop – sometimes by force – I reduce my own opportunity and temptation to try to play games with the numbers. For better or worse, we stay on the same page pursuing the same goals and facing the same obstacles.

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Post from: Blisstree

Tax Season Is Upon Us!

So, anyway, here’s the poll! Thanks in advance for your votes.

Post from: Blisstree

December Poll: Holiday Spending

The year was 1997. A young woman and a younger man wed, and they began the task of setting up home together. The young woman was unemployed; the bookstore at which she had been working had closed a couple months before the wedding, which was alright at the time. The afore mentioned young woman had plenty of wedding details occupying her attention. The younger man (Yes, I feel entitled to enjoy all nine-and-a-half months of age difference between us, especially considering she’s still likely to outlive me.) had himself only recently graduated from university and had not yet landed that big job doing whatever it was that he might have wanted to do back then. He still had the college job.

Gross household income on Day 1 of our married life:

$6.10/hour. Tes, that’s right: $6.10/hour… $244/week… approximately thirteen grand a year… in 1997 dollars.

Though we were only in this situation for a couple months, a budget was an essential ingredient to our survival over those few months. I quickly picked up a second job… dropped the second job after falling asleep in my dinner more often then not… Kerri began a job, which led to an interview and the beginning of my own current career… then Kerri herself changed jobs, and our initial financial struggles wained. (Though in hindsight it is probably more accurate to say they changed, but that is another story for another time.)

Back to the budget: How do two people live on $244/week? Very carefully. You quickly learn to sort the essentials from the optionals. I don’t have the original spreadsheet anymore, but I think our weekly grocery budget was in the realm of $40/week. There was no room for luxuries like eating out, cable, or quilted toilet paper.

Thank goodness our cars were paid for (or being paid for) and I had locked in a very affordable apartment the year before. All too often you hear about families who successfully walk that financial tightrope until an unexpected breeze – a car repair or a medical emergency – blows them off balance. True, there are some who are simply living beyond their means, but there are many whose means just isn’t enough in today’s world.

I think about some of my coworkers from the superstore where I was making that $6.10/hr, and I can’t help but wonder how they did it? There was the couple (I think with no kids) who both worked at the store. they brought in a combined $500/week; enough, I suppose for a very simple lifestyle. There were a couple single parents who managed sub-departments. They made big money relative to most of the hourly employees… as much as $30K/year, but when you factor in the unpaid overtime they usually worked, I don’t think their hourly wage was much better than mine. Ours was but a short term situation, but my hat goes off to those who manage to make ends meet year after year on such wages. At least I suppose they have been able to make ends meet. I have not been in touch with any of them in more than a decade.

I would be remiss if I failed to mention the role I believe charitable giving played in those early days. When we married Kerri and I were fairly new Christians to use the born-again, evangelical vernacular, and giving to our church was important to us. I remember writing a check each Saturday evening for $25, and thinking, “How are we going to make ends meet? The math just doesn’t add up.”

And the math didn’t add up. Each week I’d look at the budget, expenses would exceed income, and yet there was always enough money to cover needs. It was our own experience of creatio ex nihilo… “creation out of nothing.”

Next time: More money than brains

images: castle | lolcat | xray

Post from: Blisstree

For Richer or Poorer