Blisstree » marriage retreat

8th Wedding Anniversary

Tracee Sioux — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 15:48:45 +0000

Today is our 8th Wedding Anniversary.

We feel like wearing an “I survived the 7 Year Itch” t-shirt.

We’re in a better, happier, more comfortable, more stable, more loving, deeper, more affectionate, more real, place now than we ever have been. At least I feel that way.

The 7 year itch was like a journey into marriage war, but at least we finally worked some stuff out (where previously we’d been applying Band-Aids).

The overwhelming feeling on this anniversary is Phew. We made it. Thank God (literally) we’re on the up-side.

Honey, I’m so glad we struggled through and worked it out. I’m having a lot more fun being married these days. I can honestly say I’m happily married.

As my friend, Jen from Jlogged.com put it, We found our sweet spot.

We’ll be celebrating on Friday when we go on vacation for 2 weeks! We’ll be heading to Utah to see my family and San Francisco to BlogHer, where I’ll be speaking.

I can’t say enough about our experience with Vow, a marriage education initiative sponsored by the federal government to help couples find a way to be happy.

I also can’t say enough about having more money. They say money can’t buy happiness. But, in my experience, it can buy a lot of marital peace. Certainly, there can be no marital harmony if you’re not on the same financial page.

Visit the Vow website if your marriage has some issues that need resolving.

Visit Dave Ramsey’s website to get on the same $$$ page.

Read Save a Marriage – Stop Sharing.

Photo Source: Jennifer Lea, Jlogged.com

Post from: Blisstree

8th Wedding Anniversary

Save a Marriage – Stop Sharing

Tracee Sioux — Wed, 14 May 2008 12:00:00 +0000

Sister, let me give you some marital advice:

Sharing is overrated. It’s a source of conflict, disaster really.

There is no reason on planet earth you need to share – unless you want to fight.

We stopped sharing sheets a long time ago. No needs to share each other’s night sweats. No need to wake up irritated when the sheets end up on the floor. People don’t have the same body temperatures. They just don’t. No reason to fight and ruin a marriage over body temperature.

Computers. It’s worth $500 to save a marriage. Buy another computer. I don’t care if it’s social or work, there will be conflict over who is “more important” if you try to share a computer.

Workspace. No. Someone always thinks they’re “more entitled” to spend time there, to move other people’s notes or materials.

Television. We never fight about who gets to watch what anymore. We stopped sharing a TV. There’s no magic on earth that will make a husband and wife want to watch the same stuff on TV.

For heaven’s sake no one should share a car. It will leave one person trapped. Marriages don’t survive traps.

I’m angling for my own bedroom. We’re both entitled to a good night’s sleep and there’s a problem with the snoring. He can’t help it and I can’t sleep through it and our couch sucks. Next house, “guest bedroom” is going to be a priority.

That’s not what they tell me in all those marriage seminars at church.

They are lying. That’s what we do to people. We lie to them and tell them that marriage is about togetherness. Really, there’s only so much togetherness any couple can handle. It’s false advertising.

That’s the cause of the one-in-two divorce rate. That’s my explanation for the 7 year itch. After 7 years you realize you bought something, without knowing what was in the package. The ones who stay married find a way to cope with what’s really in the package – like abandoning the idea of sharing – the ones who don’t, get divorced.

I’m telling you right now to avoid the whole trap. If you want marital peace – don’t share.

Image Source: So Sioux Me, My husband and I sharing time at a Vow Mariage Retreat this spring.

Post from: Blisstree

Save a Marriage – Stop Sharing

Stand up and Jump!

Tracee Sioux — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 13:05:40 +0000

We went on a marriage retreat with a ropes course this weekend.

One of the challenges was to climb to the top of a telephone pole, stand on a platform at the top and then jump to a trapeze bar parallel to the pole, pretty far away. There’s a rope harness to keep you from falling to the ground.

I went first. I’m doing this. I can do anything. I am safe. I am brave. I’m going to jump. I’m doing this. I carried on an internal dialogue all the way up.

I wasn’t nervous till I got to the very top and it was time to stand up on the platform. You have to look down to place your feet properly. Then it’s pure fear.

I don’t want to do this anymore, I said out loud.

You’re right there, just stand up and jump, my husband, Jeremy shouted.

I stood up and realized how far that trapeze bar was. I was pure adrenaline.

Nothing is going to stop me. I have nothing to lose by failing. If I jump I succeed.

Then I jumped screaming and it was exhilarating.

Every single cell in my body was vibrating on this really alive-in-this-moment, yet surreal, frequency. I couldn’t stop laughing from my core.

Jeremy went up next and realized the bar was farther than it looked. He decided not to aim for the bar and just to jump. He jumped, but his heart wasn’t invested in reaching the trapeze.

That’s OK. It’s illustrative of our different approaches to issues that come up in our marriage.

I get emotionally invested and I’ll find a way to create a success out of it. “If I jump it’s success, as opposed to if I miss the trapeze I fail. Since it’s unlikely that I’ll be able to grab that pole there is nothing to lose by trying.” My motto is, “If I fail I fail, but at least I gave it a shot.”

Conversely, Jeremy felt the same futility in reaching the trapeze therefore, he was OK with simply jumping. He felt he still accomplished what he set out to do by climbing the pole and jumping.

Post from: Blisstree

Stand up and Jump!

Human Knot

Tracee Sioux — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:52:58 +0000

My husband and I went on a marriage retreat this weekend. We had participated in a marriage education program in our area called Vow.

The most fascinating exercise, for me, was the human knot. We got in a circle, grabbed two strangers’ hands across from us, and had to unknot ourselves without letting go of either hand.

Here’s how it plays out:

I hold back and assess the situation waiting for someone to step up as a leader. Maybe there’s an engineer in the crowd or someone who works complicated brain puzzles in their spare time.

No one steps up and I ask a few questions of our instructors. Is this absolutely possible? Yes. Is this a riddle about letting go? No. Will we end up in our same positions at the end? No, you’ll be next to whoever’s hand your holding.

I see how I can go up, over and under a bunch of people’s hands and end up in a different place. I go for it. I ask the person behind me to follow.

Now I can’t see the end. I am unsure of my outcome. I’m completely ready to try any and all ideas. Look down at your own hands and see if you can get a strategy to end up next to the person who’s hand your holding I tell them. I work myself and the two people on either side of me out of the chain.

Someone announces I should be the leader. I’ll do it, I say, but I’m turned to the outside and can’t see anyone’s hands anymore. I ask them to be the eyes.

My husband says, I have an idea.

Jeremy has an idea and he’s really smart, we should listen to him, I say.

His idea works for a while, at the opposite end of the chain. He drops it. One of the stronger men, says he can see how he can get several people moved to the outside. He takes over. I defer.

I realize his idea can only work if me and my end of the chain go through the knot again. Someone has to sacrifice their freedom for the good of the whole and I’m willing. I have no proof that my direction is better. He says he can see it and I believe him.

He gets stuck. We’ve reversed directions several times. It’s obvious that every time we reverse directions we get retied tighter into the knot. We have to stick with one plan.

Finally after an hour they tell us they can’t let us go on.

Failure. “No leader” they explain. You can’t have two chiefs in a marriage, you have to have an Indian. She was elected the leader, the man I deferred to says. Says the man who took over the leading, I say. Everyone laughs because it’s so obviously true.

I can immediately see in his marriage that he often tells his wife she can lead, but then he won’t let her. The mixed message of “you’re the leader” while leading probably causes lots of problems.

And in my marriage?

Jeremy’s smart, we should listen to him, I defer regularly.

Why didn’t you step up to lead? I asked him.

I didn’t care enough. I didn’t think the outcome would have been worth the effort, he says.

I realize it’s a crucial mistake to defer to someone who doesn’t care enough and this is our pattern.

Do you think it’s true there can only be one leader in a marriage? I ask while we’re playing Put Put later.

Maybe there can only be one leader for a project and you have to pick the person who is strongest in that area, he says.

Wouldn’t you agree that I’m the one best suited to be the leader in our finances, I venture.

I don’t want to talk about this now, I just want to have fun, he says.

I defer.

I’m a natural leader. But a good leader doesn’t defer the second someone else has an idea.

I can’t wait to take that leadership training Women Rule in New York City so I can learn how to both not defer and keep the peace.

Image: Ohio Camp Quest

Post from: Blisstree

Human Knot