Have you ever read Dear Margo? Margo Howard is the daughter Ann Landers and she writes the same sort of advice column that Ann was famous for.

I read Ann Landers, Dear Abby, and pretty much any other advice columnist that I could get find back in the day. I’m not sure if it was the advice itself or the people telling their troubles that interested me the most. (Probably the troubles - I am naturally nosey). 

I was reading a recent column that covered a husband having an emotional affair with his boss. The emotional affair has the man - married 25 years - spending most of his time with a boss that he admits to feeling an attraction for. He buys her gifts, they spend off-time during the weekend together, they go out for drinks after work, alone. I get the impression that believing that this affair is merely emotional is wishful thinking. It sounds like that is his way of safely explaining the time spent with the boss. He has it out in the open so wife can’t “discover” it and freak out. Wow. That sucks. This cheater sounds either very devious, very smart, and like a real ass.

This emotional affair, with a co-worker, it’s  the next big thing in cheating. People work together they build bonds, they have a team-mentality, and one thing leads to another.

How do people avoid affairs?  How do you keep your partner from cheating?  You can’t, can you? Either they want to be with you and they want to honor that commitment or they don’t.

Sometimes I think about cheating and I wonder if there’s more opportunity to cheat these days or if people simply have a weaker will, a looser set of morals than they used to have. Or possibly cheating happens at the same rate that it always has.

What do you think? If anyone has anything to say, I’d be very interested in your opinion.

Image credit: Sxc.hu

I’m sure that it’s happened in my own relationships and I see it in relationships all around me all the time.  My observations might fall into some gender stereotypes, but when I see I pattern I just need to call attention to it and find out if other people feel the same way.  I am addressing this from a woman’s viewpoint, but the same situation could definitely exist in the reverse for a man.

If you have been in a serious relationship for a long time you probably think that it is moving towards engagement and marriage.  As the years tick by on your relationship calendar and you take significant steps forward (like moving in together, meeting each other’s families, taking vacations together, and adopting pets) you naturally just develop feelings towards lifelong commitment.

The common problem that I have been noticing is the feeling of waiting.  Due to stereotypes about the male “inability to commit” women find themselves suppressing their feelings of wanting to get married.  They fear that even bringing up the issue will push their man away and they will lose the relationship completely.  What does this mean for a relationship?

It means that there is unaddressed tension between the man and woman because they are not discussing their future in an open way and they are not being honest about their inentions with one another.

In this situation I think women should just put it all out in the open.  If they completely intend to marry their boyfriend, they should let him know.  Obviously don’t jump to this step too soon, but it is important to be honest so you don’t find yourself waiting for something that will never happen.

If you find that you have a definite feeling of “waiting” in your relationship, then do something about it!  Stop waiting for him to make a decision about your future together.  Don’t be too intense about it, but do have a talk. It may be the scariest thing in the world to imagine your boyfriend telling you that he never wants to marry you, but if that is the absolute truth then you need to find out and start moving on.

But in many cases you will be happy to find that it’s the opposite…guys just need a little push sometimes.  They need you to put that idea in their head and help them to realize that the time has come to make movements towards the next step.  It won’t be a quick or easy conversation that wraps up everything in a bow, but you shouldn’t keep waiting…you should start the communication now.

Being on the same page is extremely important in a relationship and finding out what your individual plans are for your future is a good way to make sure your lives are going in a healthy direction.

Image: sxc

There is definitely a period of time in your late 20’s and early 30’s when you start to watch everyone around you get engaged and married.  I’ve heard from older friends that this happens, and I am realizing that I have actually reached that exact point in my life where it is happening to me.  Only a few years ago no one was even thinking about marriage, and now the singles are dropping out of the market at a fast pace.

There were definitely the couples who got married right out of college…but those were outliers.  They had been dating since freshman year and it was very expected that they would get married young.  It didn’t cause any big commotion amongst our friends because the wedding was such a great college reunion.  Now is the time when it has really started to become a pattern.

As soon as I realized that this stage of my life had officially begun, I was interested in seeing how those in long term relationships would start to respond.  Couple who have just started dating know that they are a long ways from engagement so they don’t have such a strong reaction.  They see what is going on around them, but know that their situation is different.

Couples who have been dating for a very long time, on the other hand, feel the most pressure.  They wonder what it is that those engaged couples have that they don’t…How did they know that they were ready to take that next step?  Are we waiting for something that isn’t going to happen?  Did we miss the moment where we were supposed to propose?  Are we going to know when we’re ready?  Do people look at us and wonder why we’re not engaged?

I think these worries can cause unneeded and excessive stress on a relationship.  Every couple needs to remember that they are the only ones that really truly understand themselves as a couple and the decisions of others around them are irrelevent.  There is no perfect timeline for dating and then getting engaged and there are no social expectations that anyone needs to feel pressure to conform to.  Some people date for three days and get engaged and some people date for ten years and never get engaged.

Regardless of what your peers are doing, you know what is right for your relationship and you will know when the time is right to take that next step forward.  Be introspective, talk to your significant other, and make the right decisions for you.

Image: sxc.hu

My Husband and I are celebrating our 8th year wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks’ time and as per usual, we are going on an overnight trip somewhere. Since we are going on a month-long holiday to the US and Canada later this year, we decided to keep this getwaway to a simple affair.

Image: mrsgooding

One of the things that we do on our anniversary is to talk about the following:

• highs and lows of our marriage
• what we love most about each other
• what we’d like to change or improve to have a better relationship
• our role as parents - what we want for our child
• our plans for the future

The discussion about these things does not always end happily. I remember there was one year that we sort of got into a heated discussion about a particular topic. We did kiss and make up that night though We both believe that to make a marriage work, we need to communicate more and talk not only about the negative aspects of our marriage but also the good ones. Our anniversary is also our time for just us, us as a married couple and not us as parents or career people. This does not mean that we don’t talk about important things through the year but we do make it a point that every year, when we mark and celebrate the our wedding date that we do talk about important things without prejudice.

What about you? Do you and your spouse talk about the state of your marriage? When do you normally do it?

Bailey, 17,  just came home from a sleepover. She spent the night with a teenage friend who is young mother with a 6-week-old baby. As she came in the door she said, “I’m exhausted and I’m never having kids.” 

I said, “Well, I do hope that you wait, but they don’t cry forever.” And, if you are a parent, you know that they don’t, although they do develop even more challenging behaviors so that at a certain point (the teenage years, for instance), you look back on memories of a crying infant and think of them as The Good Ol’ Days.

Another young girl I know, also a teen, but this time a little older at 19, she wrote a comment at Facebook about how people are confused and that commitment doesn’t require marriage. I understand her point, she’s been witness to some pretty funky martial relationships, but……

These girls are so young. Why are they so negative in their viewpoints?  Where does that come from?  Am I clueless if I feel that when I make a lifetime commitment to someone it includes marriage?  If she attends my wedding, is she going to be sitting there shaking her head in disgust at my foolishness?  If I have another baby at my age, will Bay consider leaving home because she can’t handle the inevitable crying? Will I be the final nail in the no-kids-ever coffin? 

Was I so set in my opinions, so sure that I had all the answers at that age?  Probably. I think that as we age, as we gain more knowledge, more life experience, we actually realize we don’t have all the answers and I sure as hell am not giving up my hope.

There are no guarantees and there are many opportunities for hurt, mayhem, and tragedy, but if I’m really committing then I’m going into that commitment with nothing holding me back. I am all in.

Image credit: Chase Your Bliss Photography

I read today that Robin and Sean Penn have put a halt to their legal separation again. Previously, the Penns filed divorce paperwork in December of 2007. Four months later, they reconciled. Recently, Sean Penn filed once again.

Now, it appears as if they are halting the proceedings. I imagine that these are not easy times for the Penns. I can’t help but respect their desire to work it out, to not let go of their marriage.

I’m divorced. I can remember just wanting to be free of my husband. I felt that he was tearing me down, tearing our family down, because he was, but later I would rethink it, wouldn’t want to be alone or couldn’t imagine another man loving my children as well as their father could. Looking back, 17 years later, I am definitely happy to be well quit of that man. He’s still tearing down the people who love him, but I’m not ashamed of my wish to fix my family back then. Waiting to give up, it was no mistake.

Marriage is such a personal thing - only the married partners really know what is going on. When I get married again, I do not want another divorce. I’m not walking away from this next one. I’m going to dig in and get help where I need it.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

By Guest Blogger Candace Karu
Consumer Lifestyle Commentator for Cabot Creamery

How to keep a relationship healthy, happy, and hot

In even the best marriages and relationships, there are days when you look at your partner and stifle the urge to stab him with your salad fork. But these bursts of acute anger are rarely what torpedo a marriage; instead it is usually chronic neglect that eats away at the fabric of a relationship. The old saw about familiarity breeding contempt may be overstating the case. Most of the time, rather than contempt, familiarity breeds flashes of bemused resignation or profound, soul-sucking boredom. It has been known to leave both men and women wondering: “is that all there is?”

We’ve all seen that couple at the next table in the restaurant, not a word passing between them as they stare off into the middle distance over each other’s’ shoulders. “That will never be us,” we agree confidently in that first blush of romance. But the distance from a deep emotional and physical connection to ennui and detachment isn’t as vast as we might think.

Image: Provided by Candace Karu

Keeping intimacy and interest alive in a relationship requires daily attention, the kind of attention we can so easily lavish on a thriving business or a beautiful garden. A relationship can flourish with a minimum amount of regular care. But neglect can cause it to sink before you know what hit you.

This kind of care comes in many forms, and the most effective isn’t all that difficult or time consuming. It’s not necessary to greet your beloved at the door swathed in cling wrap and a smile. Extravagant gestures, while certainly welcome on occasion, are not what keep a relationship strong. It is often the smallest considerations – a gentle caress as you pass in the kitchen or a heartfelt compliment in the company of friends – that make the difference in keeping love and interest alive.

Here are a few more ways you can keep the home fires burning:

Have a date night that is set in stone. Claim one night a week for the relationship and guard it fiercely. Go to a quiet restaurant or have a romantic meal at home. Break out the candles and the good china. Dim the lights and put on soft music. Dress up. Make him fall in love with you all over again.

Develop shared interests. Having a common passion, whether it’s collecting first editions or riding Harleys, keeps couples bonded in a very special way. Taking up a hobby that’s new to both of you is a great way to keep a relationship fresh and interesting.

Laugh. A lot.

Cultivate mutual friends. While the benefit of girlfriends and sacred girl time is incontrovertible, it’s also important to have friends as a couple. These friendships support your relationship and help keep it interesting. Expand your circle. Find new people you both like to be around.

Remind yourself of your partner’s most appealing qualities. It may be true that you’ve heard the story he’s telling 326 times, and he hasn’t done a load of laundry since the Bush administration – 41 not 43 – but take a minute every day to think back and remember the reasons you fell in love in the first place. The character traits that attracted you in the beginning of your relationship are still there; acknowledge and cherish them regularly.

It’s been said that women need intimacy to feel sexy and men need sex to feel intimate. This is a situation that can result in a sexual stalemate. Don’t let this happen to you. Physical intimacy – good sex – is relationship super glue. If you and your partner have a good sex life, keep it up. If sex is missing from your relationship, you need to get it back – stat! Break the stalemate; seduce your partner, even if you’re not in the mood. It’s amazing how fast the mood finds you once you’re in the moment. You won’t believe how quickly and positively men respond to feeling sexually attractive. Trust me, in this situation, everyone’s a winner!

Appreciate each other. Leave your partner a sexy note on his bathroom mirror. Surprise him with his favorite breakfast on a workday. Be his biggest fan and supporter.

We’re often reminded that relationships take work. And while it’s true that nothing good comes without effort, this is work that offers up huge dividends for very little effort. The result is a happy, healthy, and vibrant relationship – one of life’s greatest gifts.

Writer and designer Candace Karu is the Consumer Lifestyle Commentator for Cabot Creamery (www.cabotcheese.coop), makers of the world’s best cheddar. You can contact her with any questions or comments at cpkaru@gmail.com or follow her on Twitter @candacekaru.

What is intimacy?

Is it sex? A kiss? Laughter? A squeeze of the hand? Or is it something more than that?

Those butterflies in your stomach when you’re going out on a first date…or the surge of excitement right before the doors open at the airport and your eyes search to find your lover is standing on the other side..or the anticipation right after you say “I love you” for the first time and maybe/maybe not that other person will say it back?

Image: stock.xchng

Is that intimacy?

I think intimacy is a lot of things, but I don’t think any of the above could be labeled as such. Sure, a lot of it is love. Some lust. Some just the general sense of newness that most of us crave throughout our lives.

But intimacy to me is something more. The Merriam-Webster’s definition is decidedly lackluster (“something of a personal or private nature”) and even Wikipedia’s attempt (“a familiar and very close connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other.”) conveys a great deal of bias.

So what the heck is it?

Here is how I see intimacy, since a suitable definition alludes me.

Intimacy is…

…knowing that he is pretending to still be sleeping while you’re doing early morning chores - and finding that endearing.

…being able to say “I stepped in a puddle on the way home so my shoes are going to reek when I take them off. Just sayin’.” and knowing he’ll still love you and think you’re pretty.

…calling each other on your flaws and personality quirks, but in a way to help each other grow and become better people.

…not laughing when he almost refers to himself as a chef in Williams & Sonoma, only two weeks after first picking up a cookbook (but teasing him about it later and both of you laughing about it - without judgement.)

…knowing how your partner sleeps (I toss and turn, he’s solidly in one place all night) and feeling like the bed is empty when it’s just you there.

…picking up on the languages and vocabulary in each others professions/passions through osmosis - or rather, because you both were actually listening to all those ramblings over dinner.

…always saying “I love you” when you feel it, and totally meaning it, because we only get so many chances to say it.

What is intimacy to you?

Last week, for the zillionth time, I ran into a situation where someone said to me “Please don’t tell anyone.” and I had to follow up with…

“Can I tell Paul?”

Usually people will laugh and say, “Of course you can tell Paul. I kind of expected that you would.”

Image: stock.xchng

But occasionally the person I am talking to will shake their head and be firm about not wanting anyone, even Paul, to know. I can’t stand that tug and pull between my friend and my spouse, who I very much do not keep secrets from.

It would be so much easier if during the wedding ceremony and in the thank you cards, we all reminded our loved ones that this person we live with and hang out with all the time - yeah, we’re going to tell him/her everything. Expect that if you tell me, he will know within the next 1-3 hours. If I think he won’t really care, I might save this new information for when we’re brushing our teeth. But if it’s something he will find equally as juicy, I’m probably calling him on my way home.

Now, just because I can’t keep a secret, that does’t mean we both can’t. We’re a team, a pair, a couple of people who share everything with one another. So really, my friends and family should be thanking me and Paul for having each other…that way the temptation to tell someone is out of our systems and safely left between the two of us.

Do you watch that show, “Jon and Kate, Plus 8“?  I have watched it off and on, never an entire episode, but my daughter, Sarah loves it.

I’ve read about Jon and Kate  Gosselin. Especially about Kate, people really love-to-hate her, which I find oddly fascinating. She’s just a mom, trying to do her best, like any other mom. I don’t get the venom, the hate, the Kate-as-the-devil-ness of it all. People go on about how she speaks to Jon, talking down to him, or whatever, but that’s behavior that I’ve seen in many relationships. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes it’s the way married people relate.

Lately, there have been headlines about Jon’s possible affair (denied) or Kate’s possible affair (denied).  I’m not there with Jon and Kate, I can’t see how they live their lives away from the camera, but I don’t think that these people have had affairs. I can’t imagine anyone with that many kids having the energy to have an affair - I know I’m exhausted daily by my four.

There’s also the issue of no privacy. I can see a flirtation that troubles a marriage springing up - these are regular people with cameras pointed at them all the time, their egos can’t help but be inflated by that attention. Marriage and raising kids - these are challenging endeavors. Even famous people are only human.

Kate has taken to PEOPLE magazine to voice her concerns.

“I don’t know that we’re in the same place anymore, that we want the same thing,” she says quietly. “I’ve been struggling with the question of ‘Who is this person?’ for a while. I remember where I was the first time I heard her name. It’s one of those things where you can try to make it go away, but there’s blaring, red flashing lights.”

The name to which Kate refers belongs to 23-year-old Deanna Hummel, whose brother later claimed she’d been having a months-long affair with Jon.

I’m no marriage counselor, but airing private maritial matters out in such a public arena, how can that help? 

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