Communication is a pain.  I should know, it is what I do for a living as well as how I live.  Everything that I do is basically based on communication.

• My work (freelance writer/pro-blogger, author)
• My hobbies (reading, writing poetry, painting)
• My style (talking will solve everything)

Yet I find that lately Marc and I are not communicating and it is my fault.  It is my fault because I want to communicate something to him that has no words and he is not bi-lingual.  If I try to make words for something that has no words then the words are far less meaningful than what I am trying to say.

Because of this we are in a deep holding pattern right now.

I wonder sometimes if it would not be better for me to just give up and sink into the great sea of acceptance that so many couples seem to float in.  That place where sex is average, conversation revolves around work and kids, and passion is something to be saved for football games and the kids’ soccer tournies.  You live, you die, and in between you just try to be a decent sort of person.

Communication happens at many levels.  The words are the most basic and superficial I think.  Then comes the tone of voice, the body language, the look in the eye, and finally…the words that are spoken in the quiet between sentences.

A problem arises when you are in a relationship with someone who communicates on a very different level than you do.  I think that more women communicate with unspoken methods and more men rely on words.

For example.  Let’s say that I say to Marc, “I don’t know if we can work this out.  Maybe we are just bad for each other”

(o.k., honestly, I DID find myself saying that yesterday)

What does Marc hear?

I think he hears “I am giving up, I am leaving, etc.”  I could be wrong because as I all ready said we are not communicating well.

But what did I say?

• I am scared
• Please don’t let me go
• Protect me
• Hold me
• Fight for me
• I don’t understand what is happening
• Tell me this is going to work out an be o.k.
• Tell me that you will follow me anywhere I go and bring me back, no matter what
• Tell me I am the best thing that ever happened to you
• Keep me from making a mistake
• Would you get back up on your frickin’ white horse!

SO…what was Marc’s response?  He shrugged a little and was quiet.  At least I think he was.  And this is what I “heard” from that:

• It’s your choice
• I can’t stop you
• You are not worth the effort
• Maybe you are right

Now, bear with me here…I think he was probably just saying:

• Ouch
• I am scared
• I don’t know how to fix this
• If I touch you I am afraid you will pull away
• I don’t know how to respond

Well, that is all well and good but how can you use this in your own relationship?

Why don’t you take some of this into your own communication.  Go buy some wine or coffee or whatever.  Put the kids to bed early, send them to the grandparents, or plunk them down with a movie and a babysitter.  Get some privacy.

Now talk.  What are you really saying to each other? What are you afraid of? What do you need from each other?  Don’t use regular lights, use candles if possible.  Keep it intimate.  If you have the guts to do it talk to each other naked.  I know..I know..but you know what? You are vulnerable when you are naked and you need to be vulnerable to your spouse to hear and to communicate what needs to be heard and communicated.  Agree before hand that there will be no sex unless both of you really find that you want it at the end of the conversation (and you might, communication is a hot …hot…hot…bit of foreplay)

Look into each other’s eyes.  Ask questions.  If you don’t understand something then ask for clarification. “Did you mean to say xyz?”

Take a chance, risk something, be passionate about your relationship.  O.k. is not good enough. Average is for lazy people.

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Post from: Blisstree

What Are You Communicating to Your Mate?

Like many wives, what I don’t need (ha…I wrote kneed the first time) is my hubby trying to fix my problems for me. Bald Man learned that one at a relatively early stage. It’s not that I don’t ever want his input, it’s just that there are certain things that I have to work out for myself, and he knows that, too. I know it’s hard for him to hold back, and he doesn’t always succeed, but he tries. I know. I can see the vein bulging in his forehead as he tries desperately to keep his mouth shut. (Thanks, babe, for the effort!)

So, now I’m back on the weight thing. Always a struggle for me, always will be. And I know that Bald Man is always trying to figure out his role in the journey. He knows it’s not to be my judge. He does his best to be my cheerleader. I wish I knew what he needed to be for me here, but I haven’t figured out his perfect role, either.

What I do need from him is to eat that yummy specialty cheese and french bread in the kitchen. And anything else yummy and fattening that’s in there. I think that’s a need he can handle.

How do you participate in your spouses’ ongoing struggles? Do you keep your mouth shut? Do you encourage? Do you offer advice?

Post from: Blisstree

I need him…