a) In the past year, I’ve put on a few pounds.  (Only 5-7, but it seems like a zillion.)

b)  I’m unhappy about the “Santa’s-bowl-full-of-jelly-belly” nature of my thighs and derriere.

c)  I feel unsexy and downright blechy.

Yet I honestly don’t want to starve myself.

It’s weird. 

Usually, my first thoughts in this situation are, “Dear god!  How can I make all this GO AWAY?!?  Stop eating!” 

Could I have overcome a hurdle, slight though it may be?  The self-loathing is holding strong (unfortunately), but the desire to deny myself food isn’t occurring (woo hoo). 

Of course, this is all subject to how I feel tomorrow.  *wryly grins*  As we all know, recovery is a process, not a destination!

Post from: Blisstree

Why isn’t this holiday making me ana-crazed?

I’ve seen exercisers before, but I remembered this one from the previous time because she is extraordinarily thin.  I’m talking starvation thin.  Her legs were pretty much sinew and bones — no shape save for huge kneecaps. 

She looked like the walking dead.

Really, no matter how anorexic I feel at times, when I see a person like she, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come.  Now, I never reached her obvious state of self-destruction, thank goodness, but I definitely could have if I’d chosen to continue trodding with ana.

Something else drew me in as I passed her a second time (I had to backtrack during my travels, thus allowing me to gaze upon her twice.)  The last time I had seen her was about three years ago, meaning that this woman had managed to survive that long.  That’s incredible, really.  Can you imagine how strong her body would be if she actually nourished it?  If it’s performing diligently under such severe circumstances, it must be capable of great things.

I hope she finds that out before it’s too late.

Post from: Blisstree

The Walking Dead