I’ve tried to be more relaxed about our relationship lately. We’ve been a couple for a year now and although I love him very much, it’s been a challenging year. We live 6 hours apart and that may not sound far, but between us we have the responsibilities of 6 children and 4 jobs. It’s not easy to get together time.

He’s spoken about long term plans in a loose sort of way – he sees us together. I can see that happening, but I’m also somewhat focused on the day to day. A long distance relationship requires maintenance like any other relationship, maybe even more.

He went through a sort of crisis this past Winter which lead to a move and job changes. It took some time and he struggled. When he struggled, he would be out of touch. When we would speak again, he would be surprised that I was upset. Didn’t I know that he loved me? Didn’t I understand that sometimes he just needed to be left alone? I resented that everything was on his terms. Didn’t he understand that I had emotional needs, as well?

At one point I found that I felt morally superior to him – I’d never treat the people that I loved in the way that he treated me. It bothered me that I felt that way. I didn’t think that things would work out between us, I thought it’d be easier to find someone who lived close, but I made the decision to wait the rough patch out.

Currently, we are on the other side of that patch. Still, nothing is perfect and today he hurt my feelings. I felt angry. I let it go. I emailed my friend and vented a bit. I told myself that this problem was not here to stay, it was a temporary thing that would pass. I reminded myself that this did not have to be solved today, that I love him and my kids love him and yeah, sometimes he’s complicated, but he’s not only complicated.

Dating, relationships, they are tough. There’s no perfect person anywhere. Sometimes I have to remind myself to relax, to remember that men and women are different. In the past I’ve given up on things when they got too challenging. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’ve watched my sister and her husband, I’ve seen that sometimes I’m going to think my guy is a jackass, because sometimes he is a jackass. If I can’t handle that, then we aren’t meant for the long term.

So, again, I’ll wait it out. I hope that he will do the same when I am inevitably playing the role of jackass.

Post from: Blisstree

Sometimes There’s A Jackass…

Robin, my sister, and her husband, Matt, have been married for 15 years. They dated and lived together for a few years before that, so basically they’ve been together for close to 20 years. In that time their relationship, like any relationship that lasts for a length of time, has had it’s ups and downs. They’ve been able to ride out the rough parts and I admire and respect that.

I believe that real love is when people stick it out and don’t give up when things get ugly. Before I started writing for Dating Dames, I read a number of back entries. One covered whether a person was “Involved” or “Committed.” So many times when things aren’t exactly the way I want them to be with S, I get stressed and question if we have a future. He doesn’t do this. Sometimes he gets overwhelmed and I don’t hear from him for a bit, but when he’s back, he’s back. I applied the two of us to the chart and I realized that I was involved and he was committed. It was a big eye opener.

I asked Matt and Robin if they had any words of advice for me to share with you readers. Matt said that patience was imperative. He said it with a look at Robin and she made a joke about needing space. I got the impression that they were teasing each other, but what they said, both patience and space are important in a healthy relationship. They are both generous with allowing each other to have time apart – Matt and his buddy enjoy the races and going to movies, while Robin and her girlfriends like to take day trips to nearby wineries.

They work together to make their marriage work and they patiently wait out the rough stuff because they trust that each partner is fully committed to their relationship.

Post from: Blisstree

Matt and Robin’s Words of Wisdom

A romantic-comedy that stars Catherine Zeta-Jones, Aaron Eckhart and the little girl named Abigail Breslin, who I first saw in the Kate Hudson film, Raising Helen.

It’s a long standing joke between teh boyfriend and I. I will drag him to see a romantic-comedy with me when there’s one showing. He doesn’t like them romantic-comedies you see. He considers the lines too tacky, cheesy, corny, or whatever makes a guy less macho I guess. Heh. But a deal’s a deal. So, off we went to see this movie last Friday night.

While in line, he bumped into an old classmate who just came out from an earlier showing. His friend gave the movie a few thumbs up, cheering teh boyfriend on. His friend gave a short, positive review (quote paraphrased), “the movie’s good! (making a thumbs up sign) it inspired me to really know how to cook, plus the fact that Catherine Zeta-Jones is in it more than compensates” Teh boyfriend’s classmate was a guy, mind you, on a date with his girlfriend.

The movie surprised teh boyfriend, I guess. Turns out, he enjoyed himself, not to mention, he got an insight or two from it. (Ha!)

Though it did dish out the usual formula in a romantic-comedy, mushy and all, it also did refresh certain theories in my head. That, more often than not, the concept of leaping is mandatory around love. And for someone who wants to control how his or her life will turn out, there will be a lot of breaking involved — esp when it means you have to accommodate another person in your life. You have to learn how to relate, compromise and cater to what the other person needs. As you do these things, it’s quite evident that change will happen and oftentimes, not in the manner that you’d expected. Things will not always go in the direction you want them to go. The whole process of realisation and acceptance will be difficult. It will hurt. But that’s part of life and life indeed isn’t always made to order.

I’m quite partial to romantic comedies, which explains the recommendation. But the movie was truly quite enjoyable.

Post from: Blisstree

Date Movie Pick: No Reservations

Here’s what I think.

There are some key things that we need to concern ourselves to find a solution to any problem. One of them is to find a way to compromise.

Communicate. I’ve said it before. Communication between two people is important. You have to find a way to establish the right manner of talking to each other. Is it vital that you guys talk in person? Is talking on the phone enough? Or perhaps it’s better if the two of you resort to writing your feelings down on parchment or email?

Space. It’s a cliche but, heck, it works. Give each other the space you guys need in order to sort things out. Just be sure you do spend time thinking about ways to identify the problem and not dwell on finding the person to blame.

Introspect. This happens when you’re in your own space. I recommend that you take a look at yourself and how your attitude towards the relationship is affecting it. It’s a step towards finding a solution.

Breathe. I know it sounds a bit silly but I really suggest that you have to set a portion of your time and focus on just breathing. It will help pacify any turmoil you may be feeling when you and your partner are in a fight.

Cry. It’s alright, you know — crying, I mean. It will help ease off the emotional load. It can take some of the anger away. Aside from it being physically good for you, it can help level, somehow, the stress on your emotions and psyche. Don’t quote me on this, though.

I’ve observed that usually problems occur when both individuals are stressed. Also, when the issue is quite serious, it will take time before a solution is made. Expecting things to be fine after talking-slash-arguing for an hour or two is not healthy. It may take a certain amount of tinkering to make things work smoothly again.

Of course, it also happens that old issues re-surface during arguments especially when it wasn’t resolved properly the first time. So, expecting that it will NOT be raised is close to being silly.

Bottomline, before you enter into an argument, make the decision on whether you wish to work it out or not, it will help you direct how it will end. You have to be patient, too. Also, you’ve got to practice some sort of humility so you can actually patch things up and be able to apologise. Remember both of you are at fault, otherwise, there wouldn’t be any friction in the first place.

Anyway, what’s the worse thing that can happen? You’ll probably just head on your separate ways. A good choice for couples who can’t settle on a solution no matter how much they argue. It’s total bullocks to stay in that relationship me thinks.

Feel free to share if you have other tips, which you think I should have included in this post. Your thoughts can help the other readers.

Post from: Blisstree

Tips on Handling Arguments