I am constantly amazed by the number of women who are steadfastly against pornography and yet they are involved with what I term “Chick Porn”.  Honestly, I don’t get it.

Pornography….the naked 18 year olds (with breast enhancements and lots of airbrush and computer generated fixes) in gymnastic poses is, by most people’s ethics, a detriment to a committed relationship.  No real woman can live up to those nubile young girls, and fulfill her man’s fantasy in quite the same way, no matter how much she tries.  Men get excited based on fantasy rather  than reality and eventually it can cause big problems. Being visual creatures those images are etched on their brains and pop up at all the wrong moments.

But…..women do the same thing with romance novels…even Christian romance novels.  Come on, those guys? Never happen.  They are as fake as a porn star’s boobs.  They always have brooding eyes, and full lips…their noses are never encrusted with the residue of the virus they picked up at work and they never make rude noises at inappropriate moments.

Their brooding eyes are never fixated on a sports event and their full lips never say hurtful things.  They say suave and romantic things rather than, “So, ya wanna do it?” Their muscles ripple in their tanned chests and they wash dishes.

Personally, I don’t think a woman should expect her husband to act like a guy in a romance novel until she is prepared to act like a nympho on  “Nymphos Gone Wild XIX“.

I have been told by many women that I am wrong, so if you leave a comment and say, “I disagree “you are not going ot hurt my feelings..but before you do that…think about this…

Do those romantic scenes make you sigh or are they bland and boring? Because if they don’t seem bland and boring..if there is just one iota of “Gee, I wish Mr. Perfect was like that” then you have fallen into a porn mindset.

Men are aroused, for the most part, by the images that they see… most women are aroused by the words that they read.  Either way, your emotions and sexuality being manipulated and your spouse is being compared…and usually ends up the loser in the comparison.

There are women that can be affected by pornographic images, I am one of them.  I have to be very careful because I am very visual..But for us it is a double whammy because we also need to be that much more careful with the words that we read…or pretty soon we have a whole movie happening in the gray matter.

In my very not so humble opinion..if you are bored in your marriage and your spouse is not everything that you think he/she should be…spice it up.  You make the effort to make it incredible rather than wasting your energy reading porn.

And guys…seriously..Most women respond to love letters and light erotica (that YOU have written to HER, not some scummy book) the way that most men would respond if their wives sent them a phone image of herself wearing thigh high fishnets and a bustier…

And …ladies…ummmm…the phone image thing? Not a bad idea.

Keep it hot.

Image: morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

Porn is Not Just a Guy Thing

And getting ready to stir up a little …umm…compost.

I read the following statement on BlogHer, by the way..you can read the whole shebang by following this link.

The assumption of two parents present and sharing a home. The model used to
be male breadwinner/female domestic servant. Now, women are ‘allowed’ to have economic independence but continue to bear the homemaking burden.

Admittedly, the article was not so much about marriage as it was about taxes, however I am tired of being required to apologize for being happily married to the same opposite sex partner.  I am tired of the assumption that the nuclear family no longer exists, that everyone has been divorced at least once, and that everyone is in a blended family.  Most of all I am tired of the traditional role of women beingbrowbeaten incessantly by women who really seem to have a bad case of penis envy.

So here, I will say it and you can throw all the crap at me you want..I will just dodge behind my big, bad husband because that is what those of us who are merely female domestic servants do.  And we like it.  ‘Cause it is FREAKING AWESOME to have someone to fight your battles for ya…Someone with a penis, and testosterone, and muscles.

I am all for knights in shining armor.  And I believe in Santa Claus too, in case you are interested.

First of all, hardly ANYONE I know has been divorced. All of my IRL friends are on their first marriages, and most of these people have been married for more than 20 years.  We have been married for 28.  My pastor and his wife have been HAPPILY married for over 45 years..and they still are all sweetie pie to each-other.

Of the people I do know IRL that are in blended situations, (and I can only think of maybe two? Marc? Can you think of any?  ) they are having issues in their marriage and families because they brought the issues from their first marriage into their second and they still don’t have the skills to deal with the problems.  The problem now is not only do they have problems but the my kids/your kids situation is adding strain and stress.

Does that mean that I look down my nose at divorced people? Nope, it happens, and it is hard and sad.  I am just trying to remind the powers that be that not every person in existence has been divorced.

We have a traditional family, with traditional roles.  Well, the roles sort of shifted when Marc got sick, but he is still head of the house and he will always be… because…(oh this is going to be fun!!!!! ) I am submitted to his role as husband in our family. I don’t feel down-trodden, taken advantage of or unappreciated..I just feel like the wife as opposed to being the husband.

Our kids are reasonably well adjusted.  Our oldest daughter has been married for over 7 years, and they are not without problems but are working on their problems, successfully.  None of our other children are married, all but one are too young, and Chris, who is 23, is busily serving in the Air Force overseas.  He has just not found anyone he wants for a wife.  He is not ready to commit and he knows it.

Now, that we have discovered that not everyone is divorced let’s look at the next little tidbit, shall we?  You know, the female domestic servant part.  Yeah.

I never felt, in 28 years, that I was a domestic servant.  I have always felt like I was an important part of a team.  Marc worked and made an income to the best of his ability and I kept the house a pleasant place to be to the best of mine.  We both raise the kids.

Is there something wrong with cleaning, organizing, or preparing meals for your family? Is it somehow a superior lifestyle to rush home from work and throw a meal from Boston Chicken on the table?  Or have sandwiches again because you are too tired to cook?  I am trying to imagine how I would feel more fulfilled in my role as a woman in doing that rather than leisurely starting a roast chicken in the afternoon, making some rolls to go with it, throwing a pie together and serving it with fresh baby lettuce from my garden.  I suppose that I am too brainwashed to see the benefit in the former example.

I have kids that people compliment in public for their behavior.  I have a 5 year old that not only can do chores but she can sit still through an entire church service.  Quietly.  Without drugs.

None of our kids have drug or alcohol problems, and considering Marc and my misspent youth THIS is  miracle for which I am grateful.

Maybe all of this lack of weirdness is just pure dumb luck.  It could be because I am God’s very favorite.  Or it could be because we maintained traditional roles and it paid off.  I don’t know.  I just know that we are your average 1950s sit-com family living in the 21st century.

So, being home never felt like slavery…I like my kids, I like my house, and I like having the freedom to pursue my interests.

Now, who is the slave?

I must say that if I am nothing more than a domestic servant then women who work are nothing more than wage slaves. No one makes my schedule for me, no one tells me what to do, and I can work when I want, or take a day off if I want.  Who is the servant?

Can women please stop putting other women in boxes? Can we just stop labeling ourselves and creating walls? Feminist? Not me.  Not now, not ever. I hate what the rabid feminism tag has done to families.

Will I sacrifice for my kids? You bet I will.  Will my husband lay down his life for me and the kids? He all ready has in so many ways.

Issues and questions of personal satisfaction are really very self involved, infantile, and immature. Until adults learn to look outward rather than inward their lives are going to be full of mistakes and sadness because they never learned that they were not the center of the universe.  Sadly their kids are going to struggle because kids do need to be the center of someone’s universe. Preferably the parents.

Personal satisfaction stems from a job well done.  It comes from choosing to be content.

I work hard at my marriage.  I am constantly seeking to improve my skills as a wife, as a mom, and even as a concubine (I love that word).   Calling me a domestic servant is akin to calling Mother Theresa a candy striper.  There is just so much more.

As far as being allowed to have economic independence?  My best friend went to work for the first time in many years.  She has been married for 32 years? Something like that.  She went back to work when her youngest son went into Jr. High I believe.

Anyway. She has all the economic independence that she wants, 40 plus hours a week. There are lots of things she used to enjoy that she can’t do anymore because of her economic independence.  I think she preferred being a domestic servant with more free time.

Woman should do what is in their heart to do.  What is right for them and their families.  Right now, Marc is unable to work much.   My writing has stopped being a little hobby and is now the main source of income.

I don’t want to think that I have shifted from being a domestic servant to a wage slave.  I prefer to think of it as Marc and I working together as a team,  moving toward the same goal.

Getting all the kids out of the house at once so we can make love on the kitchen counter.

Image:Marye Audet 

Post from: Blisstree

Standing Here with Wooden Spoon in My Hand

Still there is a section at the end that caught my attention. Paul is unabashedly urging the members of the church not to marry. Here’s an excerpt:

And I want you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the things of the world, how to please his wife, and he is divided. An unmarried woman or a virgin is concerned about the things of the Lord, to be holy both in body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the things of the world, how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place a limitation on you, but so that without distraction you may give notable and constant service to the Lord.

There is a reality acknowledged here that tends to be forgotten, namely that marriage requires two people to come to one decision about major life choices. Paul’s religious application aside, these words remind us that a marriage consists of two independent people. When two people get married there is no magic that suddenly causes them to desire the same things, to have the same life goals. Likewise, there is no magic that causes a married couple to continually mature and change in ways that keep them together.

No, the reality is there will always be a tension. Throughout a marriage, the desires of each individual will pull against the commitment to a unified life expressed by the marriage vows. In little ways and big, each spouse will be faced with a choice many times over throughout his or her marriage: Will I choose my independence or will I choose my marriage?

This is not to say that the two choices will always run counter to one another. There will be times when the path of individual growth runs parallel to the path of marriage. Those times should be cherished, for they give the sensation of soaring as you mature both individually and as a couple. But it is not always thus.

Nor do I mean that one must always sacrifice his – or more commonly her – individual growth for the other’s individual growth. No, that is domination and subjugation, and they have no part in marriage. Rather, I am referring to “mutual submission,” if I may use another expression from the New Testament, where each spouse submits his or her independent will to the mutual marriage commitment.

It is as if marriage brings a third entity into existence. When two people marry, they create a third thing, the marriage itself. In order to live and grow and thrive, the marriage must be fed by each spouse. Each one must regularly pour something of him or herself into the marriage, so that the marriage, acting as a reservoir, can overflow and return those resources when needed. The flow through the marriage cannot for any length of time be one way, instead each spouse must add to it by renewing their commitment to it and submitting their independence to it.

Post from: Blisstree

Independence vs. Marriage

Tip #1 – It’s Not About Winning
This may be the hardest single thing that some of us have to learn. That competitive spirit runs so deep that we forget marriage isn’t a competition and our spouse isn’t our opponent. The mantra around our house is “Same Team,” because as laid back as we are, even we need to be reminded of that. Sometimes being on the Same Team means not pressing the issue when you’re right. Other times it means admitting when you were wrong. In both of these cases your marriage scores a point, because you’re on the Same Team.

Tip #2 – Don’t Project; Own Your Own Feelings and Actions
Projecting involves taking your own actions or feelings and shifting responsibility for them to your spouse. It’s an attempt to deny responsibility and shift blame, and it doesn’t get you anywhere in your marriage. When you say things like, “You made me do this,” or, “You made me feel like that,” you’re projecting. Don’t do it. Instead, own your own feelings and actions. Acknowledge that you are free and it is your choice to act and feel the way you do in response to something your spouse has done. The only way to know who is responsible for what is to accept responsibility for ourselves.

Tip #3 – Don’t Assume; Ask
Most of us already know what happens when you assume. That’s right, it makes an ASS out of U and ME. Marriage doesn’t change this rule. If you assume you’re bound to get it wrong, and when your already in an argument, you don’t need to make things more difficult. Instead, of assuming, ask questions. If your spouse says something that isn’t crystal clear in your mind, ask for clarification. It is best if you both understand the point of contention completely. Otherwise your attempts to find a solution will only be frustrated.

Tip #4 – Think “Laser” Not “Shotgun”
When you are arguing, think “laser,” not “shotgun.” Focus on one issue at a time, and avoid bringing up other things that you may be working on unless they directly relate as a symptom or an underlying cause of the topic at hand. It can be easy to throw in the kitchen sink, but that will only confuse and overwhelm things. As much as possible, work on one thing at a time.

Tip #5 Choose Your Words Wisely
Some words are wonderful for letting out and expressing raw emotion, but when it comes to solving a problem they are absolutely horrible. As good as a cathartic tirade of obscenities might sound in your head, it isn’t going to help in an argument. EVER! I mean it. Insulting or attacking your spouse will never help the situation. If you really need to let out the emotion, get in the car, turn up the radio and let the expletives flow. But when you are face to face with your spouse, find other words to express yourself. The effort is takes to find the right words will bring you and your spouse closer to identifying the problem precisely.

Tip #6 – Remember: You’re on the SAME TEAM!
I cannot stress this enough. If you remember this fact, then almost everything else will fall into place. When you and your spouse are on the same team, you are working toward the same goal, a lasting and mutually fulfilling marriage. And you do whatever it takes to achieve that goal.

Post from: Blisstree

How to Argue

Stop right there.

I bet most of us think of it as a love song. Something romantic, right? Well, have you listened to the lyrics lately?

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you
Now you got someone to blame

Or how about these:

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without

That’s not romantic! But there there is stuff like this:

We’re one
But we’re not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other

Accursed juxtaposition!

But then again, that’s a lot like love isn’t it? Love is vulnerability. It it opening yourself up to another person and giving them the potential to hurt you.

Love is surgery. Only by opening our skin and going inside out bodies can the surgeon perform life saving works. But in that same moment – naked, unconsious, with our insides exposed – we are the most vulnerable.

We’re one
But we’re not the same
We hurt each other
Then we do it again

So then maybe it is a pretty good love song.

Post from: Blisstree

Lyrics and Love

Those of you who have been around for a while will no doubt have noticed that Kerri and I have stayed out of these waters until now. That’s been intentional. I can’t think of a more controversial topic being discussed today, and I am not settled in my own mind on a number of the related issues. Furthermore, too much of the “discussion” coming from both sides falls somewhere between poorly thought through and motivated by fear and spite. I don’t want to add weight to either of those piles.

In the last couple months, however, I have found myself in two conversations where I was asked directly where I stood. I took those occasions as opportunities to practice the art of avoiding a direct answer, just in case I should ever decide to run for office. (It helps when you don’t yet have a direct answer to give.)

Don’t think you, Intrepid Readers, are going to get any special treatment! I’m still not sure where I stand on much of the topic; and I still don’t want to add noise to an already crowded table. Nevertheless, I have appreciated the recent opportunities to think about the issue, and so in that vein, I would like to offer the following points for consideration. If you are like me and undecided, perhaps these points will help you in your deliberations. If you are someone who has made up your mind, perhaps you will consider these points when you converse with those who are undecided or who have arrived at a different conclusion than you.

Don’t exaggerate
When you feel passionate about something, it’s easy to enter the realm of hyperbole. When you’re telling your spouse about how much you love them, that’s appropriate. When you’re having this conversation, it isn’t. We should avoid “slippery slope” fear-mongering. We should be accurate and concise with both quantitative facts and qualitative anecdotes. If we must be generous, we ought to be generous toward those with whom we disagree, giving them the benefit of any doubts.

Avoid reductionism
I love Ockham’s Razor, but there is a difference between a preference for simple solutions and a reductionism that ignores the complexities of reality in favor of fantastic, binary delusion. We may desire a black and white world, but that world simply doesn’t exist. It does no good to ignore the many shades of gray that surround us. Black and white proclamations smack of arrogance that belie ignorance and fear, and none of us are likely as smart as we think we are.

Walk a mile
This is probably the single most important thing any of us can do. It is far easier to reach conclusions about theories, policies and philosophies when we detach them from the people those conclusions affect. Ours is not an abstract world, and this is not a word problem from a text book. Actions have consequences that affect real people in direct and indirect ways. The more we have attempted to understand those who think, feel and live differently than us, the more likely we are to arrive at a wise conclusion.

Post from: Blisstree

California and Marriage – 3 Tips for Talking

• I never put the garlic press back in the right kitchen drawer.
• I have a stable of lame jokes that are told and re-told and re-re-told.
• Same for a few movie lines that really bug Kerri. (Fava beans, anyone?)
• I have a one track mind and easily zone out, like when the kids when are trying to get my attention: “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy? Daddy! Daa–aa–dddeee!”

Those things are relatively minor, though and can usually be overlooked. Only when there is other stress going on do they really grate on her.

But there is one thing that rarely fails to provoke some sort of reaction, my inability to leave work at the end of the day. I swear it’s not intentional. When I Skype her and say I’m leaving in 5-10, I really do plan on leaving in 5-10. More often than not, however 5-10 is more like 20-30, and that is more than enough time for dinner to be past prime. Of course, that means I actually remembered to tell her I’m planning on leaving. Usually she’s the one asking me, “When are you coming home?” It’s not so much that she cares; she just wants to be able to make a plan. I’ve gone so far as to set an alarm on Outlook that reminds me to go home, but that has had limited impact.

I’m not like this on purpose. I want to change; I’m just not doing a very good job of it. Anymore, Kerri seems to have accepted it for what it is. I think I get more pity than anger. I think she tends to view things with a broader perspective, too. Sure, I’m not perfect; but things could be a lot worse. Being unable to leave work is probably better than being unemployed, for example.

So what’s my point? None really. Occasionally Kerri and I voice our pet peeves to one another. Rarely does anything surprise us, but it is still useful to get things out in the open occasionally. It’s almost funny when we talk. We are both so aware of our own short-comings, we spend as much time talking about how silly we feel for being annoyed by this or that, because we know the ways we fall short ourselves.

Perhaps that’s the point: That people are people, and ain’t none of us perfect. When we remember that and remain committed to one another in love, we can talk about these kinds of things, whether big or small. And in talking about them, we make is possible to live with them and maybe even work through them.

Oh, and if you want the scoop on Kerri, you’ll have to ask her. I’m WAY too much of a gentleman.

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Post from: Blisstree

My Spouse Gets On My Nerves!

To be honest, this is kind of a one way street. Kerri is our social coordinator, though we’re working on balancing out that workload more. Right now those, the odds of me making plans without first running things by Kerri to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything are pretty low. Still, rarely does a week go by that we don’t have last minute plans for the evening. Sometimes I find out at lunch, other times I don’t find out until I walk in the door and am greeted by friends as well as family.

Aside from an exceptional occasion, such as sudden illness, I have no problem with it. If you know me well, that might surprise you. But, in fact, I’m all for it. It’s one of the ways we remind ourselves that life is about the people you surround yourself with, and not the stuff. My yard may not get mowed as often as it “should,” and I may not finish as many projects as I “ought;” but that’s okay. There isn’t enough time to do everything, and we’ve chosen to make people the priority.

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Post from: Blisstree

Open Door Policy

Is Marriage Necessary?

At the risk of waxing philosophic so late at night, I’ll pose a brief answer and then let you, Intrepid Reader, put your two cents in.

Marriage is necessary, because at its best, marriage provides a safe place for individuals to know themselves and be known by others. When a person is married, he expresses his intent to be a partner to their spouse for the rest of his natural live. Insofar as a spouse can trust that promise, she is able to live in light of the future reality expressed by that promise.

If my landlord tells me my rent will not be raised for the next ten years, I can make some budget decisions based on that commitment. A marriage expresses a far deeper commitment between two people, and the freedom offered to a spouse by that grand commitment is unmatched by any other arrangement.

Post from: Blisstree

Is Marriage Necessary?

Kerri to my rescue! It is amazing what the support and encouragement of a spouse can do for you. In those moments when you can scarcely believe in yourself, to have someone propping you up and cheering you one is unspeakably wonderful. I hope that each of your marriages are characterized by such a relationship.

Too often, however, the intimacy of marriage can distort our perspective of our spouse. We are led to focus on his or her imperfections. We become our spouse’s biggest critic. While there is a certainly place for speaking honestly to our spouse about his or her faults and for challenging him or her to grow, we cannot forget to be our spouse’s biggest source of encouragement.

Just because it is important doesn’t mean it is easy. Life doesn’t always lead us naturally into a proper balance. The gentle ebb and flow of the tides is the close cousin of the riptide that pulls a person under and carries him far out to sea. There are times in our marriage when we must fight that riptide that wants to carry us further out into the sea of negativity and unceasing criticism. We must swim strongly back to shore. And once there we must plant our feet in the sand and carry our weary spouse until such a time as they are once again able to walk with us in life.

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Post from: Blisstree

The Days When She Carries Me