But better late than never, right?

For those of you who aren’t familiar, each month, bloggers can sign up to read and review a book, usually related to infertility and/or pregnancy loss. Everyone is welcome to join. You just need to have a blog (not necessarily related to fertility, infertility and/or pregnancy loss). Bloggers/readers submit questions. Each participant selects a few to answer. Sometimes, when we get lucky (like this month), the authors themselves join the discussion.

This month’s read was Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen, a book which follows the life of Jacob Jankowski from the classroom at Cornell to his present status as a nursing home resident. The years in between just happen to be as a member of the Benzini Brothers traveling show.

I spent the first hundred pages scratching my head and wondering where the connecting with infertility was going to appear. Was the circus a metaphor? Was Jacob’s abrupt loss of his parents and unlikely future path symbolic of how life has thrown us all a curve? I felt as if my analytical skills were really being put to the test until Mel said, Gab, chill out. It doesn’t have anything to do with infertility or loss; It’s just a book that a lot of people wanted to read.

Oh. Ok. That made me feel a little better.

And with that, here are my responses to Water for Elephants:

1. Originally forced to share quarters, Kinko (Walter) seems to have an intense dislike for Jacob. One day, Jacob helps Kinko’s dog Queenie and Kinko becomes his friend because of this small act of kindness. Has someone performed a simple act of kindness that changed your feelings toward them? How did this small act affect you? Can just a small and simple thing have a profound effect?

I must be incredibly lucky, because I am having trouble focusing on just one instance.

Right now, I am thinking of the time that I sat on a plane at Heathrow Airport, waiting to take off after saying goodbye to a year of independence and more importantly (at the time) my boyfriend who I thought I would never see again (oh if only, but that’s another story for another blog). I was 21. My heart was breaking. The journey home was the last one I wanted to be taking. I was sitting there, blotchy-faced and miserable, when someone sat down next to me.

And proceeded to talk to me for what seemed like forever. I had no interest in his story – he was traveling to the States and unlike me, was excited about it. He told me all about his upcoming summer job, all the places he wanted to see on his week off (the Grand Canyon, New York, Las Vegas….) and went on and on and on. I had to look annoyed. I had to. But he wouldn’t stop talking.

And because I was busy being annoyed with him, I didn’t have time to cry, or feel sorry for myself, or realize that the plane had taken off, was in the air, and I was almost home and guess what, I was still alive and able to function. Once dinner was served (my gosh, can you remember a time?) he instantly handed over his little wine bottle to me. In response to my puzzled face, he replied, “C’mon, you look like your heart’s about to burst. You need it more than me.” At that moment, it became clear to me that his chatter was completely a diversionary tactic, meant to make just a little bit of that 8 hour flight go a little faster. Which it did. As soon as I realized that he was going out of his way to ease my sorrow, my irritation faded and a real conversation ensued.

We talk a lot on fertility blogs about abiding, and in fact, Mrs. Spit has a wonderful post about this subject. And I think that what this man did for me was a kind of abiding. Being with me in my time of grief. I don’t remember his name. I may have not have even told him mine (I was like that). But the act itself obviously had a profound effect. 13 years later, I still remember it.

2. What does the title mean to you? Why do you think Sara Gruen chose it as the title?

There is a situation at the nursing home, where Jacob goes absolutely nuts on a new male resident who claims to have brought water to the elephants when the circus came to town. The phrase is also used derisively by the owner of the Benzini Bros. when Jacob asks for a job. As is, what? You’ll bring water for the elephants? To me, it feels like a euphemism for something that everyone claims to be familiar with, but may not, in fact, actually exist. Kind of like the Emperor’s Clothes. Perhaps like a Perfect Childhood.

I’m not sure why Ms. Gruen chose it as a title – I would love to hear her response.

3. What is your favorite circus related memory?

Riding on the back of an elephant with my best friend, Jaime. I must have been around 5. She was 2 years younger. We were at the Barnum and Bailey show with our moms. A clown came and took our picture but when it printed out, it was of two owls, not two little girls. Our moms thought it was hilarious. I was confused. Jaime may have been close to tears (she was always close to tears). Seeing that his joke didn’t go over very well with its intended recipients, the clown asked if we’d like to be a part of the show. What?!?! We were escorted back behind the scenes and climbed a metal scaffolding ON TO THE BACK OF A HUGE ANIMAL. There were other kids there with us, and we stacked up, each straddling the kid in front of us, all lined up on the elephants back.

I honestly cannot remember where the elephant went after that. Did we enter the main ring? Did we just sit there for a while? I haven’t a clue. All I remember is smelling straw, and animals, and caramel corn, and trying to understand why the novelty photo of the owls was so darn funny.

**

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Empty Picture Frame by Jenna Nadeau (with author participation because she’s a blogger!)

Post from: Blisstree

It’s the Barren B*tches Book Brigade! Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen

Today is a memorable day for you, Lady Anne. After a brief marriage and far too many miscarriages and missed chances to provide your husband a male heir, your long, elegant neck was relieved of its head. Accusations of adultery, incest, even witchcraft were the official causes of your demise. But we both know the real reason, don’t we?

Would you have been dethroned so quickly had your womb cooperated? Would things be different had you had access to the few tricks up our doctors’ sleeves that we now employ? A little Clomid here, some estrogen there. Oh Anne, would history be different save your losses? Your sorrow? Yes, your sorrow, because every mother grieves, even those fearing for their own existence.

Although it sometimes feels like we are alone as we struggle through our own issues with fertility, Queen Anne, I hope that you forgive us. I can’t think of any other era in history where infertility and pregnancy loss took such a center stage. Your husband’s quest for a male child and subsequent actions to try to gain one made it so. Not even bashful sixth grade history teachers in Catholic School could get around talking about miscarriage. They were forced to explain to pre-pubescent students that sometimes, no matter how hard we try, a baby simply won’t be born alive. Because those lost babies changed history.

I wonder, dear Anne, would the Reformation ever have happened if your predecessor weren’t as unlucky in childbirth as you?

I winced at recent episodes where you were chastised, then blamed, then accused for your pregnancies not being carried to term. (yes, yes, I know. It’s a TV show….) But dammit. The feelings are real and you, Anne, and your predicament, held a very real place in history.

So, here’s to you, Queen Anne, for raising this little’ girl’s awareness way back when. I wish some of those lessons were still just history.

Image credit

Post from: Blisstree

Fertility in History – Happy Anniversary (to the Head of) Anne Boleyn

We were caught up in the celebration of Big Brown when we heard, like everyone watching, that Eight Belles, the horse that placed second, was down on the track. Instantly, our emotions were subdued. I felt guilty for being so pleased for one horse, when one seemed so seriously injured. Even if I didn’t find out until after the fact. How could we have not seen it?

Further reports confirmed Eight Belles was indeed injured. Two broken ankles. She was immediately euthanized. Holy sh*t. Shots of equestrian ambulances encircling Eight Belles were now interspersed with those of Rick Dutrow, Big Brown’s trainer jumping with glee, barely containing himself and his happiness.

Isn’t it crazy how so many emotions can occupy and be caused by one single point in time?

I think a lot of women who are trying to conceive are familiar with this polar tug. There always seems to be a friend or a family member who is pregnant, right when you should have been. There is always a child who is just about the same age of your child if only….

And you are joyful for your friend, your family member, and happy for their wonderful news. Because it is just that. An event that is worthy of celebration and love.

And at the same time, it is easy to become subdued if you start to think about the hopes and dreams you had vested into a child that you are not yet holding, or held for a bit but not long enough. There always seems to be someone celebrating while you are still trying to pick up the pieces and manage your loss.

So many emotions; One point in time.

Post from: Blisstree

The Kentucky Derby – Contrasting Joy and Loss

Why am I telling you this? Besides the fact that there seems to be a great lineup of speakers, it is FREE!

Yes, completely free. The conference runs from 8 am to 4:30 pm and your free admission includes breakfast and dinner.

The following information is from www.fertiledreams.org:

If you are trying to start a family, but have questions, reproductive health and adoption experts will be available to answer questions on the latest advances in as well as adoption.

Fertility and adoption experts include:

Alice Domar, PhD, Director, Mind/Body Services, Boston IVF, Assistant Professor, Ob/GYN and Reproductive Biology, Harvard Medical School – Dr. Domar will speak about the connection between stress and infertility.

Marc Hughes, PhD, MD, Director, Genesis Genetics Institute, Detroit – Dr. Hughes will discuss advances in IVF.

David L. Keefe, MD – Professor/Chairman, Department of Obstetrics & Gynecology, University of South Florida, Tampa. Dr. Keefe will discuss recurrent pregnancy loss causes and treatments.

Ricardo Loret de Mola, MD , Reproductive Endocrinologist & Infertility Specialist, Assistant Professor of Reproductive Biology, Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland – Dr. Loret de Mola will discuss fertility in women over 35.

Sejal Patel, MD, Reproductive Endocrinologist & Infertility Specialist, Center for Reproductive Medicine, Orlando – Dr. Patel will speak on Advances in Reproductive Surgery.

Laurel Stadtmauer, MD/PhD, Reproductive Endocrinologist & Infertility Specialist, Eastern Virginia Medical School, Norfolk – Dr. Stadtmauer will speak on third party reproduction (egg donation, embryo adoption and surrogacy) as well as polycystic ovarian syndrome.

Stephen Shaban , MD, Male Reproductive Urologist, North Carolina Urological Associates, Chapel Hill – Dr. Shaban will discuss male reproductive issues and various treatment options.

Charlotte H. Danciu, Attorney, Delray Beach, Florida – Ms. Danciu, practices family and reproductive law, will discuss adoption, gestational and traditional surrogacy, and embryo donation.

Lori Fraas, licensed clinical social worker and president of Adoption Support Services of Florida, Orlando – Ms. Fraas will discuss paths to successful adoption and affordable adoption.

Nicole Witt, MBA, The Adoption Consultancy, Brandon, Florida – Ms. Witt will discuss paths to adoption

Space is limited, so they recommend that you register online at www.fertiledreams.org or by calling 407-672-1106.

Fertile Dreams, Inc is a 501(c)3 non-profit organization whose mission is to empower those touched by fertility issues through prevention, education, and advocacy. It is committed to redefining public perceptions of infertility by facilitating dialogue, dispelling myths, and championing for fertility rights, thereby eradicating the stigma that exists today.

I would love to know if any of my readers were planning to attend. Please let me know!

Post from: Blisstree

4th Annual Paths to Parenthood Conference

I hope you never have an occasion to help a friend through grief, but if you do, feel free to shamelessly steal this message and use it.

Cocktails

Coffees

Puffs (with lotion)

Pedicure

Delicious foods

Cushy shoulders

Dishes to smash

New shoes

Chocolates

Really loud music

Whatever you need I will make happen.

You’re totally awesome and I love you.

I love you too, Melis. Thanks to all of you who have left comments, emails and calls. We are both feeling much better today. Less fatalistic. More optimistic. It’s not the end of the road just yet.

Post from: Blisstree

Helping Friends Deal with Pregnancy Loss

I know it’s not a contest. I know you can’t measure pain, compare it; You can only try to deal with it. But whenever I start feeling bluer than blue, I want to kick myself. Because I hate that feeling. Because it can always feel worse.

When you grieve, how do you ease the pain? When you hurt, what helps the hurt go away?

Post from: Blisstree

Got the Blues

But I know that winter holidays (and all holidays for that matter) can be trying times for couples trying to conceive, for those who have experienced losses and for those who are moving forward but still struggling with infertility.

Thank goodness for Resolve and their Holiday Survival Guide:

The RESOLVE fact sheet Coping with the Holidays is a series of articles written to help you cope and offer you comfort during what can be a difficult time of year. Set aside some time to read how others have made Christmas, Chanukah and New Year’s Eve more bearable and their advice to you. You deserve to take care of yourself this holiday season. Download the publication here.

Post from: Blisstree

RESOLVE Offers a Holiday Survival Guide