When I asked for an actual script, she blushed. “He didn’t have his pad with him.” It’s not the first time she’s lied to me to try and bum a massage from me, but it’s the first time she’s blamed it one someone else.

I’ve mentioned foot massage for pregnant women before, but this time she wants some neck and back action. I came across this great, step-by-step primer on how to massage a pregnant woman over at eHow.com. It seems very involved, but I’m going to adopt a subset of these steps to help my achy, hormonal, tired and pregnant wife.

It makes a particularly good, if not obvious point that pregnant women should lay on their sides for a massage, not on their stomachs. Although, If I took the time to stop and meditate before I gave my wife a massage (step 5) I’d wake up the following morning in the same place I started my meditation.

Post from: Blisstree

Massaging a pregnant woman

A 21 year old pregnant woman in Gilbert, Arizona recently “attacked a suspected purse snatcher with a pocketknife.” A man approached the expectant mother from out of the bushes while she was walking home (alone and way too late) at night. He asked if she had a phone, at which point she armed herself. A moment later he tried to snatch her purse from her and started taking swings at her when she didn’t submit. She returned the favor, but with a blade.

The woman said she started swinging her knife.

“I felt like after I had slashed so many times that he still wouldn’t let go. I felt like he was after more than my purse,” she said.Needing the rent money in her purse, the woman said she wouldn’t give up.”I was in fear for my life and my child,” she said. Finally, one last slashing and the injured and bleeding man ran to a getaway vehicle. The woman, still clutching her purse, followed and was able to get a license plate number.

- From KPHO in Phoenix, AZ.

The woman stated that she was afraid for her life but thinking of her baby was “what kept me fighting, knowing that it wasn’t just me.”

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Pregnant woman slashes assailant

According to a seven year long study by University College Dublin,

“The diet of pregnant mothers plays a significant role in the chances of their children developing asthma.”

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Pregnancy diet tied to asthma

I found this particular quote to be funny even before I was an expectant father.

Dr. Cox: You know, Jordan, I have to tell you — despite how crazy-hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that’s almost spiritual.

Jordan: Really?

Dr. Cox: Honestly you–

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Cox: –you have never looked so beautiful.

Jordan: It’s the giant boobs, isn’t it.

Like all good comedy, it’s funny because it’s true.

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The Scrubs outlook on pregnancy

Seeing as how the father is not the one in the midst of the biochemical tantrum, he should help calm the pregnant mother when she is in melt down mode. As I’ve mentioned before, the mere sight of Oprah will cause a woman to burst into tears. For the most part those types of episodes are usually crocodile tears, but there are times when she will truly need your reassurance, love and support.

This relatively small list of items will help you calm an upset pregnant woman by appealing to her heart her stomach and her head, all for under $9.

1. Buy her a card, appeal to her heart. $3

Women love cards. They love giving cards, they love browsing through cards, but most of all the love receiving cards. They are an inexpensive way to show that you care and condense some emotion that you might not have otherwise expressed. Having trouble writing? Just find one that has a basic message that you like and break it down into a more wordy, personalized version.

2. Buy her a candy bar, appeal to her stomach. $1

I’ve been sent out several times at night to buy candy bars, they always make a great peace offering for a crying pregnant woman. Bars of dark chocolate also make great snacks and are packed with antioxidants. If you want to spend a little bit more, get some chocolate covered raspberries, cashews or strawberries.

3. Buy her a pregnancy magazine, appeal to her head. $5

A pregnancy-related magazine will give her a distraction if she’s bored or immobile. At the same time they’re a great informational resources that may help set aside any fears that are common to many mothers. If you can’t find a good one or she’s already got a million, get her a book of crosswords or sudoku puzzles. Renting her favorite movie is another great filler in this category.

Another good alternative is a single rose or bouquet of wild flowers. Every woman is different so adjust accordingly to your pregnant mommy. Just remember, gifts don’t have to be expensive or exotic if they’re well thought out and well intentioned.

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How to calm a hormonal pregnant woman for under $9

However, as I found myself eating grilled cheese sandwiches with my wife at midnight last night, it was obvious that it was something else. Based on absolutely no scientific tests, I readily attribute weight gain in expectant fathers to changes in diet and the availability of snack food. If you’ve got a pregnant woman in the house, you’ll be subjected to a surplus of everything from ice cream to cookies and lots of other goodies in between. It becomes difficult to stick to a healthy, reasonable diet when your partner is eating anything at any time.

I’ve been vigilant in maintaining exercise during my wife’s pregnancy, even if only walking a few miles a day during my lunch hour or after work. For you expectant fathers, try and integrate at least 20 minutes a day of exercise, like a walk, to help fight off the folds and bulges that accompany nine months of mint chocolate chip at ten grilled cheese at midnight.

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Pregnancy munchies and couvade syndrome