Subject: That’s how the fight started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
As a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the
gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

****************************************

My wife walked into the den & asked “What’s on the TV?”

I replied “Dust”

And that’s how the fight started…..

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me
a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And that’s how the fight started…..

****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from
0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started…..

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I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’  she said.

So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’

And that’s when the fight started….

****************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’
So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’

And that’s when the fight started….

****************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for  $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
Would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started…..

****************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.  ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s when the fight started.

Post from: Blisstree

Gotta Laugh – That’s How The Fight Started

Happy Thanksgiving

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Post from: Blisstree

Thanksgiving Humor

20. You have awakened with an overwelming feeling that you should go back and apologize… but you don’t remember where.

19. The Tipsy Taxi service has banned you from all its vehicles.

18. You refer to your favorite song only by its jukebox selection numbers, G-12.

17. People consider your spouse a Saint for reasons that totally escape you.

16. Your least favorite song: “Goodnight, Sweetheart.”

15. The last time you had a legal driver’s license, so did Ted Kennedy.

14. You bought your current pick-up truck because it has a cool place to hide a six pack.

13. Your last public sing-along experience included the entire Changes in Latitutes album.

12. “But Officer, it’s been a long time since I tried to say my ABC’s!”

11. You have considered starting a local chapter of DAMM, Drunks Against Mad Mothers.

10. All of your old friends are now members of 12-step groups.

9. The 911 disptacher no longer has to ask your wife for the address.

8. You think the nutritional information on the back of a beer can is proof that you should be able to buy it with food stamps.

7. The only hymn to which you remember all the words was written by Hank Williams, Sr.

6. “Screw dinner!”

5. You know for certain that putting your foot on the floor does not stop the room from spinning.

4.Your insurance agent drops by and mentions your policy does cover treatment centers.

3. You know the punch line to “Why does an Al-Anoner close her eyes to make love?”

2. The producers of the television program COPS still sends you Christmas cards.

And the Number One way you can tell if you have a drinking problem… is

1. Two words: Commode Huggin’.

Thanks AE… need a job? laffin’

Post from: Blisstree

Buddy T’s Top 20 Drinking Problem Warning Signs

Where The Mind Goes, The Behind Follows

Whatever situation you find your behind in today, your mind put it there.

Your thoughts direct the flow of activity into and out of your life.

Your mind can make you ill. Your mind can make you well.

Your mind can strengthen your relationships.

Your mind will chase all friends and suitors away.

Your mind can make you wealthy. Your mind will keep you broke.

Your scattered thoughts will create confusion.

Dark thoughts will cast out creative light.

Thoughts of fear bring negative experiences.

Thoughts of enemies bring them to your door.

At all times, in all situations, if you don’t like where you find your Bottom,

Change what’s going on at the top.

Post from: Blisstree

Where The Mind Goes, The Behind Follows

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.  For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

Poly, Warner Cracker

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

Knott NOW!

And finally…

9. Victoria ’s Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:

TittyTittyBangBang

Post from: Blisstree

Humor – Just Because

And one pumpkin says to the other “I can drink you under the table, eh?”

[Picture source unknown - it came in an email]

Post from: Blisstree

The Great Alky’s Halloween

From Mel’s article “Open-Meeting Bores”

The challenge? AA … “is greatly imperiled by the great blanket of boredom that stifles many meetings from coast to coast.”

Mel’s research and conclusion: “Having arrived at the conclusion that boring meetings and groups were caused by boring members, I began to look for some means of identifying just who these members really were. Surprisingly, they were the same fellows I have seen in my own bathroom shaving mirror from time to time.”

The first in Mel’s cast of boring characters;

“First there is Drink-by-Drink Dave! And I don’t care how new in AA you are, you have met him! Dave is a well-meaning soul, and I love him like a brother, as do all the other folks at the meeting. But there are some of us who would rather face the electric chair than hear once more about all the drinking that Dave did in Panama or in Albuquerque, or in Los Angeles, or when he was drafted into the Army. Dave seems to feel that he has to prove how severe his alcoholic problem was, and that this proof can be established by demonstrating not only the continuity of drinking but the quantity as well. It is not unlike Dave to pause in the middle of a talk to ponder whether he was drinking whiskey or wine the morning he woke up in Denver without any shoes. ‘Let’s see, I think I was drinking whiskey that time! No, wait a minute, I think it was wine! Yeah, by gosh, it was wine!’”

I.E. – I can bottom you! Thanks Mel.

Post from: Blisstree

Mel B Introduces Drink-By-Drink Dave

Dear friends,

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking….
Scared the sh** out of me.
So that’s it!
After today, no more reading.

Post from: Blisstree

A Typical Drunk’s Mindset

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left side and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

And – oh yeah, I love redheads… Laff – Dammit!!!

Post from: Blisstree

Okay – I Need A Laugh!

The Cuckoo Clock

“Shortly after I got married, I was invited out for a “night out with the boys.” I told the wife that I would be home by midnight… I Promise!

Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o’clock.

“Oh”, she said, “that’s nice”. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, “Well, at 3 o’clock, it cuckooed 3 times, then cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and then started giggling.”

Post from: Blisstree

The Cuckoo Clock