So, Rule Number 1 girls, if you’re thinking about breaking up with him, it’s because you want to.

Yes, breaking up is hard to do, but have you ever stayed with somebody that you didn’t want to?  Well, I have.  And it’s like an eternity!  My longest was about 8 months.   And I know girls who have stuck around much longer than that.  But they shall remain nameless.

I’m not blaming girls here, but I just don’t hear many men gripe about wanting to break up with their girlfriends for very long.  They just do it.

If you’re in a relationship right now and you’re unsure about whether or not you want to be with him, here is my litmus test for a relationship’s lifespan.

Rule Number 2: If you can look back an pinpoint the exact moment you should’ve broken up with him, then you shouldn’t be with him.  Even worse, if you can think of several moments in which you’ve thought, “I should’ve walked away, right there,” then you need to get out asap.  That is never a good sign.

Especially if that moment in question leads you to get upset and/or cry.

Which leads me to Rule Number 3, if you’re crying and not smiling, you are not happy.  No question about it.

Relationships can be complicated, intense and even tempestuous, but they should be happy.  It’s very simple.  If you’re crying and frowning, girl, wake up!  You don’t love him.  You probably don’t even like him.

And finally, I’ve always felt that break ups get a bad rap.  Sure, they can suck, but there is nothing wrong with recognizing that something needs to end.  Everything has a lifespan and people change, it is only natural.  You didn’t fail and you’re not a bad person, you’re probably just a different person now.

Just like books, life has chapters.  And those chapters end.  But then new and exciting ones begin.

Let them begin!

Post from: Blisstree

Should You Dump Him?

• How do you define a “Crazy Girl”?

I’ve been called “crazy” my whole life—usually in a loving way, but sometimes not so lovingly. The beauty is that I embrace my craziness and I am looking for others like me! CrazyGirl Nation is a community for Crazy Girls and the people who love us. Crazy Girls are outgoing, ambitious, intelligent, and passionate women who want to live fabulous lives but find themselves freaking out from time to time about their careers, their happiness, and their romantic relationships. Most of my closest friends are Crazy Girls. Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda of Sex and the City are Crazy Girls. Most women bloggers are Crazy Girls. CrazyGirl Nation is a place where these women are celebrated and can support one another.

• What is the most common question that you get from your readers and how do you answer it?

The two most common Google searches that lead people to my blog are “How to Ask Your Boyfriend to Get an STD Test” and “How to Make Your Boyfriend Miss You.” These are people out in the internet universe, so I can’t say those are actually the main concerns of my loyal readers. I think the biggest overall problem that my women readers deal with is what to do when they feel like their boyfriend or husband is taking them for granted. You can’t really make someone show you more attention or make you feel more special. It’s something you have to draw out of your partner by being independent and constantly on the move. It’s something I struggle with all the time—wanting to make sure the relationship stays special without nagging my boyfriend about it.

However, as of this interview, 52% of my readership is actually men! I think men read my blog for the same reason they watch Sex and the City. They want to know how women think, what we care about, and how we talk about them when they aren’t around. They aren’t spying. They’re just lurking and enjoying the community of Crazy Girls.

• What is your favorite relationship self-help book?

My relationship go-to-guides are Why Men Love Bitches (and the sequel Why Men Marry Bitches) as well as the combined edition of The Rules and The Rules II. I’m also a big fan of He’s Just Not That Into You. These books really gave me a much needed wake-up call when it came to dating. They showed me how to date with dignity instead of being a dating dummy. I would recommend these books for any woman who is frustrated with her dating situation—or who just wants to make dating a lot less worrisome and a lot more fun.

• How do you get comfortable discussing private issues like sex and relationships in an open forum like a blog?

I’ve never been much of a private person. As a writer, my value is in being able to give people a window into people’s inner worlds—even if they are fictional character’s inner worlds. My blog is a window into my inner world. You don’t get to see every nook and cranny of my house—just enough to know that I’m real and there’s lots of great treasures inside of me. I think that it’s very important that we talk about private issues in an open forum so we can learn from and support one another. I’m very careful to write about only what is my own business. My friends don’t have to worry that they tell me something and it will end up on the blog. I don’t need anything sensational or gossipy to draw readers. Readers are drawn in by the topics, because they are real concerns they deal with and have opinions on. I write about the things I struggle with or have gone through. When choosing what to write about, I operate under the assumption that if I’m thinking about something a lot, chances are lots of other people are too. I’m really thankful for the internet and how easy self-publishing has become. CrazyGirl Nation means a lot to me. It’s given me a community of people around the world that I identify with and who understand what it’s like to be “crazy.” I just hope to have the opportunity to continue to grow the community and reach other people.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

How to Love Being a Little Bit Crazy

This is a dangerous pattern for women to get in because with each failed relationship their confidence falls a little lower.  They think that there must be something wrong with them in order for men to keep treating them badly and they might even begin to give up hope that they will ever find someone who will make them happy.

The issue in this situation is instincts.  Some women have instincts that they can trust, and someone need to realize that their instincts are definitely not to be trusted.  Oftentimes women receive the advice “trust your gut” when making decisions about men, but women who consistently find themselves in this situation need to “trust their gut” in a completely different way.

If you notice that you are the common denominator in a series of bad relationships, either because you have self-destructive patterns or because you always pick the wrong guy, then you may not be able to follow your gut… In twelve-step programs, this kind of behavior is called “contrary action,” or doing the opposite of what you would normally do. (Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Ex* by Heather Belle and Michelle Fiordaliso)

Some people have a bad sense of direction.  They think they know which direction to go, but they it turns out to be wrong.  If you follow the pattern of their instincts for which direction is correct, oftentimes you will find that their sense of direction reveals the exact opposite direction of which way is the correct way.  This “contrary action” technique sounds a little bit radical but it can be truly life-changing for women who find that they pick the wrong men.

Decipher what your instincts are telling you to do and then take some time to step back and analyze the situation.  Don’t allow sexual attraction to be your priority and instead look at other characteristics of the man in question.  If you are really feeling excited and as if you are ready to throw your emotions into a situation quickly, a red flag should be raised.  Could this be a situation where the opposite of your instincts is the correct reaction to the situation?  Ask for advice from your closest friends and trust what they see even if you may not see the same thing.

It is important to realize that they pattern that your relationships have been following is not healthy for you and it would be a good idea to slow down and look at the opposite of your instincts in order to stimulate change in the pattern you have been experiencing.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Help! I Always Pick The Wrong Men!

Anna David, a relationship expert, who partnered with AXE for their recent Sensitive City Study, has advice for guys who, unlike Bay’s new beau, haven’t quite hit the man-stage yet.

*Approach – Trying to get the girl by following the old dating playbook is only a numbers game. Throwing out lines until you find someone who responds will only get you your last choice.  If you want to get the right girl, you need to really focus on her. 
 

*Attitude – If you take a girl to a party, don’t abandon her and expect her to fend for herself.  Introduce her around proudly.  Get her a drink.  But don’t feel like you have to babysit her, either.
 

*Action – Make small gestures to show her that you care — whether it’s sending a sweet text or grabbing a bag of cherries from the corner store because you know how much your girl likes them.

It’s really very simple, guys. Take some time to connect and soon your girl will be bragging about her new man, too.

Image credit: Drugstore.com

Post from: Blisstree

How To Act Like A Man

Everyone has those friends and family members who want to show that they care by inquiring into every little detail about your relationship and offering their personal opinion about every response.  They want to know everything!  Older siblings, younger siblings, parents, ex-boyfriends, best friends, co-workers, lots of people seem to feel comfortable offering their opinion about your relationship when you didn’t really ask for it.  They are usually just trying to “watch out for you”, but the barrage of questions and opinions can be extremely stressful and cause a negative influence on your relationship.  It could cause you to worry and start a fight with your significant other about something that doesn’t even need to be addressed!

If you find yourself doubting, lying, judging, stressing, worrying, or experiencing any other negative emotions surrounding questions or comments about your relationship that are coming from people outside the relationship, then you should really consider taking steps to change the situation.

• Before you let yourself worry about what someone else is worrying about, STOP!  Try to look at the situation calmly and ask yourself how you truly feel about it, regardless of what anyone else might think.  Remove yourself from family, friends, and society’s expectations and evaluate your relationship and your decisions independently.  Look at your own personal priorities, morals, and values in your life and figure out how you feel about the situation or the issue.

• If you decide, based on your own personal evaluation, that it is a situation worth addressing, then bring it up in a calm and logical way with your significant other.  Don’t start a fight!  There is a huge chance that after evaluating it on your own you will realize that it’s not worth discussing because you already understand each other in this area.  If it seems like an issue worth discussing, bring it up as an issue between the two of you and not as one that was inspired by an outside influence.

• Next time an inappropriate issue is brought up by a caring friend or family member, explain politely that you prefer to keep some issues in your relationship private.  Tell them that the two of you have that situation figured out between the two of you, and then change the subject to talk about something else.  Be careful not to be rude or insulting because you want your friend to feel comfortable telling you what they think in other situations!  Even though the comments and questions might have caused you some unneeded stress and worry, they were only coming from curiosity or concern and nothing malicious.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

My Friends & Family Have Too Many Opinions

This abrupt and unexpected type of break-up can be the most emotionally crushing, but surprisingly with some time and mental control, can be one of the easiest to get over.  If you have just suffered from this experience, here are the steps to take to re-evaluate your view of the situation and find a way to pull yourself out of the depression that it may be causing you.

• Take care of yourself. You probably feel desperate, anxious, out of control, and like your whole world has just come crashing down around you.  Slow down, breathe, and realize that the world is still a wonderful place to live in.  Don’t punish yourself for what happened!  You deserve to be loved and you can start by loving yourself.

• Give yourself time. It is completely normal to feel sad and uncomfortable in your life now that you are alone.  Let yourself be sad for a little while.  It’s good to know that you are a human who can feel deeply and has the ability to care about someone.   Love yourself for being able to love someone else and accept that it will take time to move on and heal completely from this.

• Don’t try to get him back. Don’t focus your efforts on him.  Focus your efforts on healing yourself.  If he dumped you then you were not a perfect match and you need to let each of you go your separate ways.  It is hard to accept that you no longer have a future together, but the sooner you accept that then the sooner you will find happiness in your life.

• Re-evaluate your interpretation of the relationship. It is clear now that you are broken up that there was something missing in the relationship.  What was it?  Look back at your time together and be realistic.  Everything wasn’t perfect.  Try to understand where the problems were so that you can notice them next time you are in a relationship.  You had love blinders on and didn’t see the reality of the situation.  But maybe you can see it now and learn from it…

• It wasn’t a match. Regardless of how you felt about him, he wasn’t the one.  Everyone is different and everyone is looking for something different in their mate.  The sad reality is that he just wasn’t looking for you.  If you truly love him, then you will want him to find the person that is his match and will make him happy.  Whatever happened between you does not change who you are.  For now, focus on being the best person that you can be on your own.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

He Was The One and He Broke My Heart

How to keep a relationship healthy, happy, and hot

In even the best marriages and relationships, there are days when you look at your partner and stifle the urge to stab him with your salad fork. But these bursts of acute anger are rarely what torpedo a marriage; instead it is usually chronic neglect that eats away at the fabric of a relationship. The old saw about familiarity breeding contempt may be overstating the case. Most of the time, rather than contempt, familiarity breeds flashes of bemused resignation or profound, soul-sucking boredom. It has been known to leave both men and women wondering: “is that all there is?”

We’ve all seen that couple at the next table in the restaurant, not a word passing between them as they stare off into the middle distance over each other’s’ shoulders. “That will never be us,” we agree confidently in that first blush of romance. But the distance from a deep emotional and physical connection to ennui and detachment isn’t as vast as we might think.

Image: Provided by Candace Karu

Keeping intimacy and interest alive in a relationship requires daily attention, the kind of attention we can so easily lavish on a thriving business or a beautiful garden. A relationship can flourish with a minimum amount of regular care. But neglect can cause it to sink before you know what hit you.

This kind of care comes in many forms, and the most effective isn’t all that difficult or time consuming. It’s not necessary to greet your beloved at the door swathed in cling wrap and a smile. Extravagant gestures, while certainly welcome on occasion, are not what keep a relationship strong. It is often the smallest considerations – a gentle caress as you pass in the kitchen or a heartfelt compliment in the company of friends – that make the difference in keeping love and interest alive.

Here are a few more ways you can keep the home fires burning:

Have a date night that is set in stone. Claim one night a week for the relationship and guard it fiercely. Go to a quiet restaurant or have a romantic meal at home. Break out the candles and the good china. Dim the lights and put on soft music. Dress up. Make him fall in love with you all over again.

Develop shared interests. Having a common passion, whether it’s collecting first editions or riding Harleys, keeps couples bonded in a very special way. Taking up a hobby that’s new to both of you is a great way to keep a relationship fresh and interesting.

Laugh. A lot.

Cultivate mutual friends. While the benefit of girlfriends and sacred girl time is incontrovertible, it’s also important to have friends as a couple. These friendships support your relationship and help keep it interesting. Expand your circle. Find new people you both like to be around.

Remind yourself of your partner’s most appealing qualities. It may be true that you’ve heard the story he’s telling 326 times, and he hasn’t done a load of laundry since the Bush administration – 41 not 43 – but take a minute every day to think back and remember the reasons you fell in love in the first place. The character traits that attracted you in the beginning of your relationship are still there; acknowledge and cherish them regularly.

It’s been said that women need intimacy to feel sexy and men need sex to feel intimate. This is a situation that can result in a sexual stalemate. Don’t let this happen to you. Physical intimacy – good sex – is relationship super glue. If you and your partner have a good sex life, keep it up. If sex is missing from your relationship, you need to get it back – stat! Break the stalemate; seduce your partner, even if you’re not in the mood. It’s amazing how fast the mood finds you once you’re in the moment. You won’t believe how quickly and positively men respond to feeling sexually attractive. Trust me, in this situation, everyone’s a winner!

Appreciate each other. Leave your partner a sexy note on his bathroom mirror. Surprise him with his favorite breakfast on a workday. Be his biggest fan and supporter.

We’re often reminded that relationships take work. And while it’s true that nothing good comes without effort, this is work that offers up huge dividends for very little effort. The result is a happy, healthy, and vibrant relationship – one of life’s greatest gifts.

Writer and designer Candace Karu is the Consumer Lifestyle Commentator for Cabot Creamery (www.cabotcheese.coop), makers of the world’s best cheddar. You can contact her with any questions or comments at cpkaru@gmail.com or follow her on Twitter @candacekaru.

Post from: Blisstree

Keeping the Home Fires Burning

Heather’s response was typical of many who entered! The title alone makes you want to grab that book off the shelf! Thanks again to Charles Orlando for letting us give away a copy. For those of you who didn’t win, I encourage you to check out Charles’ website. He has an excerpt from the book as well as a blog that highlights where you can find him on the radio and web.

Image: sxc.hu.

Post from: Blisstree

Winner of The Problem With Women Is…

In honor of this season’s Bloggy Giveaways I’m giving away my copy of Mama Gena’s Owner’s and Operator’s Guide to Men.

I went to this Life Coach Shrink in Atlanta to learn about Tapping to get rid of some of my hang-ups about sex and money and marriage (before my Law of Attraction mentor Jeff Howard told me to just go online and learn about it for FREE) and paid $150. One of the things I walked away with was a recommendation for THIS book. When I was cleaning out my office I found it and thought, for $150 I should really get the book and see how amazing it is.

It’s not your Gloria Steinham’s feminist theory or the church lady’s “God says to submit to your man” submission theory. Mama Gena begins with this warning,

This book is by a woman, for women only. This book is simply not for men. . . If you are a man, shut this book instantly.

To win this book leave a comment about men. Maybe you love them, maybe you hate them, maybe you think it’s not about them. Whatever.

This contest runs through Sunday August 3 at midnight. I will announce the winner Monday morning.

Readers warning: Gena uses the word Pussy a lot.

Post from: Blisstree

Free Mama Gena’s Owner’s and Operator’s Guide to Men

Thanks to That Girl for guest posting on Blog Fabulous today. That Girl lives in Louisiana and mothers two sons and a husband. She writes Hey You! Remember Me? where she takes us down memory lane with recollections about teenage life in the ’90s. Read her latest post Wannabe. I would post her beautiful photo, but she’s incognito due to the drug use and teen sex that comes up in bloggy memoir.

A couple of years ago my husband and I went through a pretty rocky spell. By rocky, I mean that I was constantly hurt and wondering “Who is this man?”… “How can he act like such a jerk while claiming his undying love for me?” As I drove home from running an errand one night, I heard Bill and Pam Farrel, relationship experts, discussing their waffles and spaghetti theory on the car radio. It was a revelation for me and there’s no doubt in my mind that God intended for me to hear it. In their book, Men Are Like Waffles–Women Are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differencesthey explain how:

“A man is like a waffle (each element of his life is in a separate box), why a woman is like spaghetti (everything in her life touches everything else), and what these differences mean. Then they show readers how to achieve more satisfying relationships.”

I haven’t read the book, but just hearing their radio interview opened my eyes to our communication flaws. According to the Farrels, men compartmentalize everything while we see everything as never ending series of related events. Just like a bowl of spaghetti, our experiences and emotions are all intertwined. Ladies, this completely explained these kinds of fights:

Me: How many times are you going to go to bed early and leave me w/ the housework and putting the kids to bed?! (@#$^#%@!)

Him: What’s your problem, I’m tired tonight!

Me: Me too! You ALWAYS do this!

Him: No, I don’t! Get off my back – I’m tired and I’m going to bed.

Me: It’s not just tonight! It’s every night!

Him: Quit over-reacting! Dang! Quit being a @%^#*! Just because I’m tired and want to go to bed!

See, from his “waffles” standpoint, we were arguing over his actions on just that one night. (Which, granted wouldn’t have been so horrible if it had been placed in its own little compartment out of context) But the way I saw it over in spaghetti-ville, we were arguing over a pattern…something repeated… something that had been building…something linked to related events from the past.

Later that night, I discussed this waffles and spaghetti theory with my husband and it has really helped our levels of communication and understanding. I told my husband that for women, there are no isolated events within a relationship. Each builds on the last to create the big picture. He takes stock of our relationship on more of a day-to-day basis, whereas I gather my conclusions from the complete experience.

The Ferrals also discussed the beauty of how these differences might complement one another within a marriage if we can learn to respect and appreciate them. For instance, men are better at focusing on one task at a time while we excel at multi-tasking. Also, those compartments become very handy when a man needs to tuck his fear into a nice little compartment to, say, rescue his family from a dangerous situation. And since we are so good at seeing the whole picture, we are the natural nurturers and caretakers. Of course, I’m not saying that women are incapable of rescuing their families, nor am I saying that men are incapable of nurturing. I’m saying that if you don’t want to keep on having the same fights over and over, it helps to understand and appreciate your partner’s natural inclinations and emotional tendencies.

Does this theory ring true for anyone else? Do you notice your husband easily isolating his emotions into separate compartments? Does he ever have a problem seeing how events are related to one another when it’s such an obvious connection to you?

I want to say a big THANK YOU to Bill and Pam Farrel for flipping a major switch in my own marriage.

For more information about the Waffle/Spagetti theory visit MasterfulLiving.com

Post from: Blisstree

Guest Post: Waffles & Spagetti