If you are in a relationship where you have asked someone to change something significant about their behavior or personality for you, then you know how difficult it is to move forward after this has occurred.  I’m not talking about asking your boyfriend to start putting the seat down after he uses the bathroom or to help wash the dishes.  I’m talking about serious issues like asking your boyfriend to quit smoking or to stop taking his frustrations out on you.  Bringing up these issues creates an extreme amount of tension in your relationship as you each deal with sensitivity to the issue and a struggle against what feels natural.

If you are dealing with a request for change directed at one specific side in your relationship, then the most important question you need to answer is:  Does this person want to change on their own or are they changing just for me?

Everyone says “People don’t change” but I am an optimist and I don’t believe this is true.  I know that people can change.  If you believe in yourself and have the desire to be the best person that you can be by being good to the people around you and being good to yourself, then change is definitely possible.  You have the power to control yourself and be who you want to be.  On the opposite end, if you don’t believe that you need to change and you are just trying to adapt yourself to become what someone else desires, then change may not be necessary or possible.

If you have been asked to change by your partner but you don’t believe that you need to change, then you need to take mature steps to analyze the situation and respond appropriately.  Pull yourself out of the situation and address the larger issue.  Does the request for change fit into your values and morals?  Does it make you feel like a better person?  Or does it require you to abandon something that is an important and positive part of yourself?  Think about why it would be so important to your partner and then why they might think it would be important to you.

If your partner says “Quit smoking” but you don’t want to quit smoking on your own, then change will probably not occur even if you want to please your partner.  If your partner says “Quit smoking” and it makes you think about why you smoke and then you realize that you would like to start living a healthy and smoke-free life, then change will occur.

Asking someone to change or being asked to change can go two very different ways.  It can push you apart or it can be a wonderful start to really bringing you closer together.  Just remember to deal with the issue in a mature manner where you try to avoid being defensive or hyper-sensitive to issues that could have an important effect on your relationship.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Can You Change For Your Partner?

When my boyfriend and I dated the first time around, back when we were teens, we were very serious. We spent as much time as possible together, we left out friends behind, for the most part. He stayed out our house frequently – he even had a bed. We talked about everything, secrets were a bad idea, or so we thought. On my 18th birthday, he picked me up, took me to his house and then sat with me when I suddenly came down with an upset stomach. I barfed and barfed and barfed, he sat beside me. We had very few boundaries. 

Back then, I thought that this was a good thing, but eventually it was too much. We were so young and we were living like old married people. We broke up when he went back to school for his senior year. He needed to be a kid again. I was devastated at the time, but I absolutely understand now. 

A healthy relationship needs some boundaries. Today I read What Should You Keep Private In A Relationship? on AOL Health. The piece discusses some of the common things that come up in a relationship like going to the bathroom with the door open, sharing secrets, sharing fantasies, sharing a bed, and farting. (Oh yes, that first fart, yeesh, awkward). 

I’ve noticed that my boyfriend and I have some clearer boundaries this time. Some of this comes with age and some of it comes from self-preservation. I no longer want to know all his secrets. In fact, I say, “please don’t ever tell me……….” on occasion. I like my Steve 2.0 with a touch of mystery. Not that we keep a lot of secrets, details sort of spill out over time and learning about his past is helping me to understand some of the quirks in our present. 

We do close that bathroom door when we need privacy. When we dated the first time, he used to watch me put on my makeup. He has no interest in that anymore and once, when he did watch, he freaked out when I plucked a hair out of face. I mean freaked!  “Ugh!”  It was funny to see him go all squirrely.  It was just a hair.  Sheesh. I’m 42 and they are popping out all over these days. I do know not to do that in front of him again. It doesn’t matter if I trim the guy’s nose and ear hair for him – one pluck and he goes nuts. Boys are funny. I will probably always be more comfortable with the body stuff than he is, I think it comes from being a mom and well, I’m just not very squeamish.   

How about you?  When you are in a relationship, are you very share-y or do you like to keep things to yourself?  How important are boundaries? 

Image credit – Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

Honey, Remember Your Boundaries