I’m inspired by one example from a friend of mine. She and her father are the quiet ones in the family. While perfectly articulate when in his corporate world, her father just couldn’t bring himself to talk to her. There was always hesitation from his end, she said. She mirrored this by not talking to him much either, though she did desperately want to build a bond with her father. She sensed he wanted to build a relationship with her too.

One evening, she left a note on his desk. “Dad, may I have money for a textbook I have to buy for class? Thanks. I love you.” The next morning, after her father had left for work, she approached his desk and found a note addressed to her. “Here’s the money. Good luck with class. I love you too.” As a hardly expressive duo, leaving short notes helped them open up little by little to each other without the awkwardness of confronting each other.

And so began an exchange of overnight notes and conversations. She would leave a note to tell him a little about her day. He would write a quick reply and tell him a little about his. “I made the debate team today, Daddy. I’m so happy!,” she wrote once. “I’m proud of you! Looking forward to watching your matches!,” he wrote back the next morning. They would continue to pass each other quietly in the hallway at home, but the exchanges of notes was enough for them to acknowledge that they were building a relationship they were both happy with.

Talking as a form of communication may be ideal, but perhaps it wasn’t the best fit for this father and daughter. Conversations in short notes was their own way of communicating with each other, and it was the best way for them to build a relationship all their own.

Image: Astrakoo

Post from: Blisstree

Communicating through short notes

Okay, I picked Libra this week, because my boyfriend is a Libra and I am just goofy enough to be as interested in  his horoscope as I am in my own.

Okay, here goes………

Cracked.com ran an article on “5 Things You Think Will Make You Happy (But Won’t).” Here’s a hint about what those things are: fame, wealth, beauty, genius, and power. You might want to go and read the essay at tinyurl.com/d974te. Even if you don’t entirely agree with its points, it should inspire you to get more realistic about what specifically does increase your levels of well-being. It happens to be an excellent phase of your astrological cycle to home in on the surprising and idiosyncratic truths about what helps you feel like you belong here on this planet.

Here’s my interpretation, in relation to my guy - he values connection. He wants friends and love. He might think about the other things, I’m sure that he enjoys feeling success and I know he loves his iPhone, so money does cross his mind, but what really gives him a happy is the connection he shares with the people in his life. I believe that he knows this about himself already. He’s willing to make some huge changes in his life to bring about that happiness. That part of him, that value that he attaches to his relationships, that’s the base that I build all my feelings for him on. It makes him 10 feet tall in my eyes.

I was involved with a man who did not put that first, I can remember when he talked about moving an additional 3 hours away from his children and from me  (putting him about 9 hours away from me) for a job. Great. More money. Enjoy that all by yourself, if that’s what you want, fine, but I’m looking for something more.

I’m like the boyfriend that I have now. Having a happy family, good friends, that is what I believe a successful life requires.

 There are some things you can compromise on in a relationship and it’s up to the individual couple to decide what those things are. What matters to you?  What makes you happy?  Ask yourself these questions. Dig deep. When that initial attraction cools a bit, that’s when the importance of shared values and goals really matters.

How about you Libras out there?  Do you see yourself in this horoscope?  What do you value and do you feel confident about the life you are making on this planet?

Image credit: All Posters.com

Post from: Blisstree

What Matters To You?

I think that his messages are an attempt to see where we stand, if I’m still open to …….whatever he’s planning to dish out this next go ’round. I’m not open to anything.

Well, okay, that’s not totally accurate, because if he did make some grand gesture like moving to my town, I’d be open to at least listening to him, but since that’s not going to happen, then I’m back to my original decision – closed, not open.

This last message told me that he’s been speaking to a mutual friend from our past (actually more of an old boyfriend on my side). He said that he told this friend about my kids – their names, ages – about my work, my writing, “you know…. little stuff.”  My family, my work, my entire life – he considers that “little stuff.”  He is a dumb ass and obviously does not get the distinction between what does and does not matter, what is and is not little stuff.

For so long, I thought he was The One That Got Away. Now I realize that things happened just the way that they were supposed to. He came along at a time when I wanted to begin dating again, but was just so scared. Due to our shared past – he was my first love in high school – I felt like I had a safe place to learn how to be in love again. When I look at it that way, our relationship did just what it was supposed to do, just what it did when we were kids, it taught me about being a partner, it reminded me what I have to offer.

I found this today, for The Relationship Column, by Dr. Jeffery Low and I think it explains what I’m trying to say …

If a relationship is meant to be, it will be. If someone is truly “the one,” then you can’t ruin it. The two of you will simply love each other through whatever arises, and work out the problems. If it ends, then that’s what was meant to be. Just because you are very attracted to someone, or think they’re the one for you, doesn’t mean it will work out. Healthy, positive relationships can last a week, a year, ten years, or a lifetime. The value of a relationship is not measured by time, but by the love, joy and learning generated while it lasts.

If you haven’t had a chance yet, don’t forget to enter my book giveaway.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

If A Relationship Is Meant To Be….

I’ve been following the Rihanna/Chris Brown “alleged” physical violence situation. What she’s doing, going back to an “alleged” abuser, it’s sadly stereotypical. I’ve read quotes from people who know both Rihanna and Chris Brown, read that Diddy offered up his home for the two to reconcile, read that her father feels he can’t get through to her, but he’s supporting her.

I’ve also read that one of her sponsors is thinking about dropping her because they are uncomfortable with the way she is handling the situation.  I know that I, for one, bought a certain mascara just because it enhanced her eyes (mine are similarly colored). It’s possible that she’s broken, but she is still a lovely girl.  Getting abused doesn’t mean she should be kept from making a living.

It’s easy to sit in judgment of a situation when you are on the outside. I’d never stay with an abusive partner, you might say.  Personally, after my experience, I wish she’d be done with him, too, but I realize that it’s not that easy.  It wasn’t easy for my mom. When my brother’s dad said that he would not do it again, she believed him. He lied.

My girls have both heard about what is going on. They were big Chris Brown fans before, only one was a Rihanna fan. Kids talk and they don’t always get the correct information. I’ve tried to talk to the girls about abuse , about how it can happen in romantic relationships with teens, as well as adults. Bailey, my older daughter, related a story about her friend who is in an abusive relationship.

I’ve spent a lot of my children’s life alone, in large part because my experience was that men hit and I did not want my family hurt. I know that not all men hit, but growing up the way that I did, it’s messed with my head a bit. I recognize this and try to fight that screwy point of view.

I want my girls to be aware, but not paranoid. I want to show a balanced point of view, but sometimes it’s a struggle. I want my girls to recognize the warning signs. I don’t ever want my beautiful girls to look like Rihanna did in that horrible photo with the heartbroken look and the bruises.

If you are a parent, have you found yourself talking to your kids about the Rihanna/Chris Brown situation?

Image credit: All Posters.com

Post from: Blisstree

Talking To Kids About Physical Violence

This horoscope presents three clues for you to work with. Here’s the first: I know a psychotherapist’s son who, while growing up, rarely received the benefits of his father’s psychological expertise. “The shoemaker’s child has no shoes,” my friend says. Here’s your second clue: In the Bible’s book of Mark, Jesus declares, “A prophet is not without honor, except in his own country, and among his own relatives, and in his own house.” The third clue: A neurologist of my acquaintance suffers from migraine headaches that he has been unable to cure. Now, Leo, I invite you to meditate on how these alienations may reflect situations that you’re experiencing. If they sound familiar, take action. It’s prime time to heal them.

Here is how this relates to me – I’m a romantic relationship writer with no romantic relationship to write about. I have all the advice in the world for anyone who cares to query me, but in the case of myself, I’m frozen in time and space. I think about wanting to try again – I sometimes stick my toe in the dating pool, but then I pull it out, put my flip flop back on, and run quickly in the other direction.

What is the point? I ask myself this question daily. I feel that no matter how much work I put into my last relationship, no matter how much that man loved me, he suddenly just stopped and I have no idea why. To love someone, you put yourself at another person’s mercy and sometimes that’s too scary to contemplate.

On the other hand, I know that I am good in a relationship. I’ve learned a lot over the years about what does and does not make a good partner and the one thing that I know I am good at, the one thing that I’m told time again and again by friend and family – I’m very supportive.

I need something, someone, to support. I want to join a team, a team of two. A duo. Pick me, pick me! No wait, I think I’ll skip the game and go read a book. Or ride my bike. Or head out with my camera. Anything but make eye contact with an attractive man, because I’m too damn scared and I don’t ever want to spend another day feeling like I felt for much of the last year. Unimportant, unlovable, invisible. It sucked.

I’ll do my best to follow the advise of Free Will Astrology, because it’s good advice, but the healing is going to take me awhile.

Did you check you use the link to check your horoscope?  What did it say?

Image credit: All Posters.com

Post from: Blisstree

Looking to the Moon and the Stars …

Next time, why don’t you try a little mindfulness?  Mindfulness is a Buddhist technique that requires you to be fully present and aware in a given moment. For example, if you are mindfully preparing a meal, you take care with picking out the vegetables for a salad, washing each thoroughly, drying it completely, using a knife to chop each carrot into uniform pieces. Working in this way, a person slows down and thinks about the task in front of them, they don’t react rashly, there’s no lashing out. 

Christine B. Whelan, Ph.D. explains it this way………

In mental health terms, mindfulness is the awareness that emerges from focusing on the present and the ability to perceive — but not judge — your own emotions with detachment; it enables you to choose helpful responses to difficult situations rather than reacting out of habit. While Western thought separates religion and science, Buddhists see mindfulness as both a spiritual and psychological force.

Mindfulness therapies for depression have had well-documented success: Depressed people focus on the negatives, locking themselves into a destructive thought cycle that makes the depression worse. Mindfulness training helps them become aware of this cycle and snap out of it.

The same thing is true for couples gearing up for a rehash of an old argument, says Robyn Walser, a psychologist and co-author of “The Mindful Couple” (to be published in February by New Harbinger). “If you are aware of life as a process, not as an outcome, you step back from the argument. “

I think that this behavioral technique would be equally helpful in dealing with Steve or in dealing with my teenage daughter, Bailey.  Steve and I don’t fight, but we also aren’t great at getting to the important discussions. Avoiding trouble might be an easy fix now, but it’s not going to help any relationship in the long run.  Slow, steady, and mindful works best whether it be dating or cooking or …… well pretty much anything …….. anything that does not involve sports. (Especially NASCAR).

In Bay’s case, I know she would benefit from some mindfulness training. She tends to react to everything with anger and finds anyone and everyone to be a constant source of extreme frustration. (I am so thankful that I am not 16).

Christine B. Whelan, Ph.D.  has a new book coming out in January, entitled Marry Smart: The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to True Love. Watch for my review of her book soon.

Post from: Blisstree

What Would Buddha Do? Loving Mindfully

I’ve focused on work and not a whole lot else. I haven’t been getting the exercise that I used to and I haven’t been eating right. I look and feel yucky. I decided that I do not want to pep talk myself through this one – I want to fix it.  Call it a jump-start on my New Year’s resolutions, but I am here and now pledging to get my health back on track.

Here are the steps I am taking………

*I am going to walk a minimum of one mile each day while at work (I am a teacher’s aid and I cover 3 lunch recesses)

*I am going to restart my weekly training runs, working toward a half marathon in the Spring

*I am going to do more yoga

*I am going to use the Flat Belly Diet

Sarah and I ran/walk a 5K on Thanksgiving. I think I’ll get her involved in the running with me. It’ll be fun. The yoga, I will make the short daily routine that I do longer, and the Flat Belly Diet is already very close to what I eat.  I wrote about it here.

I want to feel happy and confident again. I know that my weight is not the most important thing about me, but I feel best when I’m at my healthiest. When Steve gets his issues under control, I am going to talk to him about his health, as well.  Fix the things that you can, make the changes that you are able to make, and the rest will somehow fall into place.  

When I regain my health, then I’ll be able to make those New Years Resolutions about fun stuff like learning a new language or taking my boyfriend on a romantic getaway.

Post from: Blisstree

It’s Time For A Change

Image by Henry8.0 via Flickr

• “I like a woman who takes pride in her appearance.” – Easy translation on this is, “I like women who aren’t fat.” Okay, sure… we all have things we will and won’t tolerate in terms of physical attraction, but the guys who say this either say NOTHING ELSE about what they’re looking for in a woman, which makes me want to say, “I take more pride in my emotional maturity, intellect, and sense of humor than I do my body, but I guess all that’s irrelevant to you,” or they say that they want a woman who is smart, sexy, funny, loves to cook, loves fishing, hiking, camping, and NASCAR, has a great body, loves mountain climbing, has a great job, works out a lot, and so on and so on and so on. Guys, have you EVER IN YOUR LIFE met a woman like that? I mean, even your mom? Come off it already…
• “I’m just looking to have a good time and see what happens.” Uh, what exactly is your definition of a “good time” and how many times a week, with how many different women, are you seeking this “good time”? Does wanting to just have a “good time” mean that you seriously expect that there are women out there who want to have a miserable time with you? What about this “see what happens” business? Does that mean you’re basing your ideas on a potential relationship on how good of a time you have with a girl? Are there Cliff’s Notes on this, please?
• “I have bad luck with the women that I meet, so I decided to try online.” Uh, okay, well answer me this: What the hell is wrong with YOU? I mean, you’ve never had a good relationship? Ever? And I’m supposed to attempt one with you? After you admitted that you suck? Okay then…
• “I’m finding that the VAST majority of the women on this site HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE what they are missing.” No, my dear… I think I’m pretty sure of exactly what I’m missing. And I really can’t see a reason to complain about that, you kind of just proved that to me.
• “New to the area, looking for some hot girls to hang out with and have some fun with. Message me if you are interested.” Are you completely effing serious? Like dude, if you have this in your profile, please tell me how successful you’ve been. (That’s ALL he has written in his profile… nothing else.)

Post from: Blisstree

Rant: Horrid things men say in their dating site profiles.

I have been called to work early today – apparently there is a lamenting emergency. I’m going to make this a short post, but I promise the next one will be lengthier. I was looking around for some personality-type test today and found this site Personality Quiz Site – tests and quizzes

I took a couple of the Love Tests and found that yes, I do have an “X Factor,” but that I absolutely disagree with their assessment of my attitude toward sex based on my love of the color green (I’m way more spicy than that). I answered the Love Quiz wherein I am picturing myself walking to my lover’s home – it felt odd, the questions were not things that pertain to me, but my results fit how I see myself. On the Personality Side, I totally failed the Refrigerator test, but at least I have a healthy attitude about my emotions.

I’m silly about these quizzes, but I guess I’m hoping that a better understanding of myself will enable me to make smarter choices in matters of love and dating.

I wish you a wonderful day!

Post from: Blisstree

Personality Quizzes – Another Tool For the Pursuit of Love?

For the more internet savvy, their activities will then branch out to reading online newspapers, following blogs, perhaps blogging themselves or putting up online business websites, frequenting forums, and for the love-lorn, dating websites.

Regardless of the medium, we are shielded from the rest of the public by our computers. We’re saved from having to face them physically. We all know what can be at stake if we allow them to be a part of our life offline. These people become more important. But, somehow, we all know that we all have to; given the right reason and motivation.

But what would cause one to cross the digital fence? For online dating, I can take a shot or two (and some extra) at the possible line of thinking of:

1. “I’ve had enough of the chatting and emailing!”

Ah, patience dear.

2. “Isn’t the whole point of dating to date and have that good night kiss?”

All I can do is sigh.

3. “He already asked me out several times, so, why not? “

Does that mean if he asks if he can go over your place X number of times, you’d let him, too?

4. “Wow! He’s willing go fly in just to meet me in person!”

Highly flattering but best think if you’d ever get to hear from the person again when he leaves.

5. “I need to know if we have chemistry if we meet in person.”

Good point but best if you’re able to weigh the more important ideals you have as criteria for your ideal mate.

I’ve encountered, read, and on occasion, experienced some of the ill-effects of crossing the said digital fence. I understand the risks involved (though I have to admit there were times when when I exercised poor judgment) in deciding to meet the other person in the flesh. being wary is not a bad thing. It’s better to have applied the necessary precautions than to regret it later on. You have to accept the fact that there are individuals out there who simply mean to take advantage, prey on your *lonely* heart.

If you truly seek a real relationship, online dating can still be a good avenue for you to explore. You have to practice patience and sound judgment, though. You can’t control who’ll respond to your personal ad or profile, but you do have control over how you would want to conduct yourself in the whole internet dating scene.

Besides, just remember that good things come to those who wait.

Post from: Blisstree

Dangers of Crossing the Digital Fence