If you have been in a relationship with the same person for a long time then you eventually reach the point where you no longer have the spark of the initial romance and instead you probably find yourself sharing a life, but mostly just chugging along with your daily routines.  If you find that most of your conversations involve discussing utility bills and grocery lists, then you have probably reached this point.

I was searching around on the internet to find ideas for an article about how to bring back the romance to long term relationships, when I stumbled upon a very interesting calendar: The Ask Mars Venus Romance Planner.  This calendar has a specific idea for each day of the month, alternating between “Venusians” and “Martians”, that have the intention of bringing romance back into a relationship.

I had a very strong initial reaction to this “Romance Planner” that suggested things like:

“Tues, June 2:  The next time he upsets you, share your negative feelings in a centered way without blaming or being disapproving of him.”

“Fri, June 26:  The next time you have an argument, make your point, then tell him he’s forgiven. Don’t punish him by making him wonder.”

Yikes!  Those really struck me the wrong way!  Should women seriously take the advice to pick a day that dictates our behavior?  But then I started looking at some of the other suggestions:

“Tues, June 23:  Do her least favorite chore today - if you don’t know what that is, ask!”

“Wed, June 10:  Plan a weekend campout without the kids… Just you two together…you depend on each other for everything.”

Hmm maybe some of these ideas are actually kind of sweet…but does it make sense to try to complete one task everyday?  Is that too much or is that a valid way to re-introduce these types of elements back into your relationship?

Check out the Ask Mars Venus Romance Planner and tell me what you think…I’m still on the fence.

Image: sxc.hu

By Guest Blogger Candace Karu
Consumer Lifestyle Commentator for Cabot Creamery

How to keep a relationship healthy, happy, and hot

In even the best marriages and relationships, there are days when you look at your partner and stifle the urge to stab him with your salad fork. But these bursts of acute anger are rarely what torpedo a marriage; instead it is usually chronic neglect that eats away at the fabric of a relationship. The old saw about familiarity breeding contempt may be overstating the case. Most of the time, rather than contempt, familiarity breeds flashes of bemused resignation or profound, soul-sucking boredom. It has been known to leave both men and women wondering: “is that all there is?”

We’ve all seen that couple at the next table in the restaurant, not a word passing between them as they stare off into the middle distance over each other’s’ shoulders. “That will never be us,” we agree confidently in that first blush of romance. But the distance from a deep emotional and physical connection to ennui and detachment isn’t as vast as we might think.

Image: Provided by Candace Karu

Keeping intimacy and interest alive in a relationship requires daily attention, the kind of attention we can so easily lavish on a thriving business or a beautiful garden. A relationship can flourish with a minimum amount of regular care. But neglect can cause it to sink before you know what hit you.

This kind of care comes in many forms, and the most effective isn’t all that difficult or time consuming. It’s not necessary to greet your beloved at the door swathed in cling wrap and a smile. Extravagant gestures, while certainly welcome on occasion, are not what keep a relationship strong. It is often the smallest considerations – a gentle caress as you pass in the kitchen or a heartfelt compliment in the company of friends – that make the difference in keeping love and interest alive.

Here are a few more ways you can keep the home fires burning:

Have a date night that is set in stone. Claim one night a week for the relationship and guard it fiercely. Go to a quiet restaurant or have a romantic meal at home. Break out the candles and the good china. Dim the lights and put on soft music. Dress up. Make him fall in love with you all over again.

Develop shared interests. Having a common passion, whether it’s collecting first editions or riding Harleys, keeps couples bonded in a very special way. Taking up a hobby that’s new to both of you is a great way to keep a relationship fresh and interesting.

Laugh. A lot.

Cultivate mutual friends. While the benefit of girlfriends and sacred girl time is incontrovertible, it’s also important to have friends as a couple. These friendships support your relationship and help keep it interesting. Expand your circle. Find new people you both like to be around.

Remind yourself of your partner’s most appealing qualities. It may be true that you’ve heard the story he’s telling 326 times, and he hasn’t done a load of laundry since the Bush administration – 41 not 43 – but take a minute every day to think back and remember the reasons you fell in love in the first place. The character traits that attracted you in the beginning of your relationship are still there; acknowledge and cherish them regularly.

It’s been said that women need intimacy to feel sexy and men need sex to feel intimate. This is a situation that can result in a sexual stalemate. Don’t let this happen to you. Physical intimacy – good sex – is relationship super glue. If you and your partner have a good sex life, keep it up. If sex is missing from your relationship, you need to get it back – stat! Break the stalemate; seduce your partner, even if you’re not in the mood. It’s amazing how fast the mood finds you once you’re in the moment. You won’t believe how quickly and positively men respond to feeling sexually attractive. Trust me, in this situation, everyone’s a winner!

Appreciate each other. Leave your partner a sexy note on his bathroom mirror. Surprise him with his favorite breakfast on a workday. Be his biggest fan and supporter.

We’re often reminded that relationships take work. And while it’s true that nothing good comes without effort, this is work that offers up huge dividends for very little effort. The result is a happy, healthy, and vibrant relationship – one of life’s greatest gifts.

Writer and designer Candace Karu is the Consumer Lifestyle Commentator for Cabot Creamery (www.cabotcheese.coop), makers of the world’s best cheddar. You can contact her with any questions or comments at cpkaru@gmail.com or follow her on Twitter @candacekaru.

I’ve been reading “Why Him? Why Her? Finding Real Love by Understanding Your Personality Type” this week. I’ve had it in my to-read pile for months, but new things come in all the time and sometimes good books get buried in the pile. The book was written by Helen Fisher, Ph.D, author of “The Anatomy of Love” and scientific adviser to Chemistry.com.

Working with Chemistry.com, she developed a system of four basic personality types. These are Explorers, Builders, Directors, and Negotiators. There’s a test in the book that will help you determine your main and your secondary personality types.

I am a Negoiator/Explorer. I tend to over-think things especially when it comes to relationships, I use my imagination a lot, and I like to talk about the very subjects that I am over-thinking. My secondary personality aspect, the Explorer is sexual, impulsive, and creative. Yep, that fits, too.

I haven’t had my boyfriend take the quiz yet, but I’m pretty sure he’s a Negoiator, as well. He’s the same with the over-think-iness. And the talking about it. I love that about him. He examines his feelings, shares what he’s discovered, then re-examines the entire thing.  A man who wants to talk about a relationship. How cool is that?

My friend, Scarlett, looked at the book and she said she’s read it all before, but I noticed that she had a hard time putting it down. She’s like me in the wanting to think things through, examine them, figure out the motivation behind a particular action or turn of phrase.

If you are interested in reading about what makes you and your partner or your would-be partner tick, then I suggest you take a look at Helen Fisher’s book. She’s an easy read which is not always the case with relationship books.

Image credit: Barnes and Noble.com

Is there a timeline in relationships?

I recently did some research on this subject, and all the experts disagreed on the correct amount of time of various stages…when is the right time to have sex? To move in together? To get engaged? To get married? The correct answer is that it depends on the relationship.

Last year, my best friend and the guy she was dating (on and off, for about three years) introduced their good friends. Over a shared happy hour, they shared a double date and various levels of small talk.

A year later, the newly-introduced couple is engaged. My best friend and her then-guy? Off-again.

It’s so hard to not have mixed feelings when this happens - especially since my best friend has been asked to be the maid of honor in the wedding of these people she introduced, and her now ex will also be in the wedding party. Awkward much? How can she not feel a little resentful, seeing how the people she set up succeeded and her own relationship did not?

The correct response is to be a good friend, and know that one relationship has nothing to do with another. They all have their own factors and situations. Still..we’re all human, and this sort of sucks.

Me, I’m just hoping for a well-stocked cocktail hour. It’s going to be a long night.

Image: Sxc.hu

This afternoon, I was reading the newspaper, and there was an article about parents talking to their kids about sex…which got me to thinking.

My parents NEVER talked to me about sex. Ever. My mom did, however, watch afternoon soaps with me from pretty much toddler-hood, and tell me constantly how eager she was to be a grandma.

Ultimately, I got my education from said soap operas, and later on, trashy romance novels - a reality based out of fantasy, with no basis in logistics.

I wonder, now, if that is the root of all my current problems? Of having nothing real, and clinging to the “maybes” and threads of hope that dating (or pseudo-dating) can offer? Would I have been “normal” if I had gotten the talk as a kid?

I can’t help but wonder.

Image: Sxc.hu

I found this column today written by Blane Bachelor in The Sunday Paper. She gives relationship advice in an honest, straight-forward manner, while also mentioning Miss Piggy and her love for Kermit. Fantastic. I enjoy any and all references to Miss P.

One of her readers wrote to her about a dating situation where she’s seeing a young man that she calls “Rebound Boy,” and how yes, the sex is great, but he’s unattractive to her and acts as if they are not together in public. What is the problem, you ask?  Well, it’s all right there, isn’t it?  He’s not attractive to her and he is embarrassed about being seen with her.

Why are we so afraid of being alone that we will put up with being with someone bad just because he’s a warm body next to us, especially when he’s not next to us?  What is so bad about being single, being independent,  calling all the shots?  Why waste our time on the wrong one?  How are we supposed to meet the right one that way?

I, for one, am not doing it anymore. A little compromise is good, imperative, even, but being treated with anything less than respect is something that I will no longer tolerate.

And if any of my girlfriends are reading this and you notice that I’m doing it again, going along with less than loving treatment, please call me on it. Please.

I was talking to a nice lady yesterday. Someone who had previously been portrayed as a someone very different to me. She’s found herself in this painful situation for too long and it’s even more painful because there is a child involved.

What is wrong with some men?  What are they looking for?  What hole inside themselves are they feeling up with bitterness and ugly nasty feelings like guilt and deceit?  Wouldn’t loving a woman like she deserves to be loved be a better way to make a guy feel like a Big Man?

Yeah, this is corny, but I’m offering all you ladies out there a great big cyber hug. Examine your situation and if it’s hurting you more than making you happy, rethink it. You are not stuck. You are not stupid. And it is definitely not all your fault.

Hold onto the hope that there’s something bigger and better out there for you.

Image credit: All Posters.com

What’s worse for a couple than facing a hard economic downturn?

It seems what is worse is facing said downturn alone.

Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD, says: “Too often people have difficulty communicating, usually because they don’t yet have the skills, which can definitely be learned and sustained through good times or bad.” Babits is the author of  The Power of the Middle Ground: A Couple’s Guide to Renewing Your Relationships (Prometheus Books, 2009). “We’ve learned over the years that love alone isn’t enough to repair the wear and tear that occurs in relationships, solid communication rebuilds love and trust.”

So, I must ask…in this age of great economic uncertainty…how is the recession hurting (or helping?) your love life?

Image: Sxc.hu

Tonight, after a night out carousing (we’re currently on a girlfrends getaway), my best friend related a story about how, once upon a time, as she was young, she would love to pick dogweeds and put them in her hair.

“They looked so pretty…but later I realized, they smelled really bad.”

I wonder if that may be symbolic of the mistakes ALL of us keep on making in our relationships…going for the guys that are wrong for us, and are bad for us, but yet, we are attracted to anyway.

Why do we insist on doing this to ourselves???

I’m sad. Sad for me, sad for everyone in a situation where they know they need to search for something better, and yet keep on getting hung up on the same bad choices, time and again.

Image: Sxc.hu

If you are having difficulties finding time for each other, maybe you should sit back…and play some cards!

Stop & Kiss is a great way for two people in love to take time out of their busy lives and focus on each other.

It contains different types of cards that prompt players to compliment each other, remember shared memories, talk about ways to rev up their relationship and test how much they know about each other.

And of course, there are plenty of opportunities to stop and kiss! How can that not be fun?

Image: StopandKiss.com

Hello. If you are looking for Dating Dames, then you are in the right place. Dating Dames is now Relationships. 

If you are new, then let me introduce myself - I’m Michelle. I’m currently single, after a 1 -1/2 year long relationship. It was a long distance affair and my boyfriend was my first love - we gave it a second try more than 20 years later. Apparently, it didn’t work for him, as I have not heard from him for the past 4 months. He’s had some issues due to the economy - in particular unemployment - but there is no excuse for that sort of bad behavior. I reached out, as both a friend and a loved one and he ignored my attempts. 

I picked up a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, yesterday. (If you’ve got a Target near you, you can find He’s Just Not That Into You for 20% off the publisher’s price.) A single friend of mine has been telling me to read it for ages.

I went straight to the part that has to do with The Disappearing Boyfriend. According to the book, this sort of guy is really, really isn’t into me, because he failed to leave even a post-it saying goodbye. Although in our case, I think it would been more like a text saying, “Can’t do it - good luck.” Instead, I got nothin’.

Until a couple of days ago when he sent me a friend request on Facebook.

Would you judge me if I said that I okayed it? I waited a full day to do so. Does that earn me any points?  I am not a bitter ex, not really even an official ex in this case, but part of me wants this man to see that I’m not moping, that I’m busy and active and have friends that are not him.

So, I might be updating my Facebook status a little more than normal. Any excuse to say, “Life is good,” works for me. 

Image credit: Barnes and Noble.com