I mean one of those co-dependent, on and off, so-wrong-for-each-other but can’t-stay-away-from-each-other relationships.  For all intents and purposes, let’s just say your friend is a girl.  Their fights are frequent as are her crying phone calls to you.  Have you had a friend like that?  Or do you currently have a friend like that?

Well, I certainly have and being the best friend/shoulder to cry on has its challenges.  It’s hard watching a friend go through that.  Being in a complicated relationship is so exhausting.  Both mentally and physically!  I know that because I have also been that girl.

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But, have you ever seen your friend become so overcome, so emotional and such a mess that you were actually concerned for her?  Just like an addiction, it seems that she just cannot rid herself of this guy.  What now?  Why not stage an intervention?

Back when I was that girl, I definitely could’ve used one.  I frequently broke it off with my boyfriend only to get right back together with him later.  And we were both guilty parties.  I’m not sure exactly how it happens, but in one moment, I was convinced that I’d ended it for the last time.  Then a couple days would go by and I’d get bored, or I’d need a ride somewhere or I’d remember that he had something of mine that I just absolutely needed it and then one thing would lead to another.  We were back together again.

I hated myself for it, and I’m sure that your friend does too.  And I’m also willing to bet my friends hated me a little bit too.

Your friend just may need an intervention.  But, just like addicts, you must realize that she may not take well to it and it may not work either.  But, I say its worth a shot.

The Treatment Solutions Network suggests that when staging an intervention, one must:

• Plan it out
• Seek additional help
• Prepare in advance
• Be careful during the intervention

So, assemble a select group of friends, people that truly care about her and have been affected by the relationship.  Lay out for her how she has changed negatively and how the relationship has been destructive to her and to her other relationships.  If she’s anything like me, then she probably neglected relationships with her friends, opting to ditch them for him and monopolize every conversation with tales about him.  Just like the hit show Intervention does, assign someone to be the mediator of the group.  Perhaps the person closest to her to make sure her best interests are at heart and that she is not being judged.  Because the girl is only human.

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Remind her that you care about her and just want to see her happy and that there are plenty of other men out there in the world!  I know that seems like a conventional thing to say, but it’s true.

Brilliant psychologist, Dr. Michael Newton Ph.D devoted 20 years of his illustrious career to the study of the soul and the soul mate.  He hypothesized that souls reincarnate and have several lives, and in those lives connections are made.  That is why in this current life, you inexplicably feel connected to certain people,  But, his research also suggests that because your soul connects with so many people during its life times, it is very likely that it will connect with 3 – 4 people during this current lifetime.

See?  Even science believes that there is life after a breakup and that you will meet other people.  And science never lies!

So what do you think?  Would you ever stage an intervention?  How would you feel if you were the subject of one?

Post from: Blisstree

Relationship Intervention

So, Rule Number 1 girls, if you’re thinking about breaking up with him, it’s because you want to.

Yes, breaking up is hard to do, but have you ever stayed with somebody that you didn’t want to?  Well, I have.  And it’s like an eternity!  My longest was about 8 months.   And I know girls who have stuck around much longer than that.  But they shall remain nameless.

I’m not blaming girls here, but I just don’t hear many men gripe about wanting to break up with their girlfriends for very long.  They just do it.

If you’re in a relationship right now and you’re unsure about whether or not you want to be with him, here is my litmus test for a relationship’s lifespan.

Rule Number 2: If you can look back an pinpoint the exact moment you should’ve broken up with him, then you shouldn’t be with him.  Even worse, if you can think of several moments in which you’ve thought, “I should’ve walked away, right there,” then you need to get out asap.  That is never a good sign.

Especially if that moment in question leads you to get upset and/or cry.

Which leads me to Rule Number 3, if you’re crying and not smiling, you are not happy.  No question about it.

Relationships can be complicated, intense and even tempestuous, but they should be happy.  It’s very simple.  If you’re crying and frowning, girl, wake up!  You don’t love him.  You probably don’t even like him.

And finally, I’ve always felt that break ups get a bad rap.  Sure, they can suck, but there is nothing wrong with recognizing that something needs to end.  Everything has a lifespan and people change, it is only natural.  You didn’t fail and you’re not a bad person, you’re probably just a different person now.

Just like books, life has chapters.  And those chapters end.  But then new and exciting ones begin.

Let them begin!

Post from: Blisstree

Should You Dump Him?

Is it because he’s unpredictable?  Or aloof?  Most bad boys act like they don’t care about anything.  Don’t fool yourself, that means they probably don’t care about you either.

I believe most girls mistake aloofness as being bad.  But, really, he probably just doesn’t care about you.  They say that men like the chase, but make no mistake, girls do too!  We are organically drawn to what we think we can’t have.

Have you ever gone out with a guy who was totally NOT in your league?  You went out with him because you were bored or maybe even pitied him?  You expected him to be all over you, hanging off your every word, getting wrapped up in your spell, only to realize that this is not the case.  He’s haughty and disinterested and not desperate for your attention.  What happens next?

Well, if you’re anything like me, your interest has piqued.  You’re curious and intrigued and all of a sudden you’re using your best moves on him, vying for his attention.  The power balance magically shifted.

I believe that is the appeal of the bad boy.  Us ladies are playful little creatures, who are deep and intelligent and intrigued by what we can’t understand.  Sex is our tool and when we become discombobulated if we feel that we are not in control of it.

Bad boys always get me thinking about a psychology class that I took in university.  The lesson was on attraction and arousal.

How does the body react, physically, when it becomes sexually aroused?

It does several things, including but not limited to:  the pupils dilate, blood pressure rises, the heart rate accelerates, perspiration increases, blood flow quickens (and becomes concentrated in certain, ahem, regions).

But all of this happens when you are scared as well.  Not, “I’m gonna kill you!” type fear, but roller-coaster fear.  Adrenaline is flowing and energy is rising, you’re excited and most of all you’re having fun.  Just like you feel when you’re with a bad boy.

Suppose your date picks you up in a Hyundai and you go see a romantic comedy.  Are you excited?  Hot?  Sweaty?  Not likely.  Now imagine he picks you up on a motorcycle.  You’re zooming through traffic, the wind blowing through your hair, you’re clutching on to him for dear life.  Then you go see a scary movie.  Your heart is racing, you’re jumpy, sweaty, your adrenaline is pumping and once again, you’re clinging on to him to save you.  And now he feels like he can protect you.  And men love that crap.

Girl, you have become putty in his bad boy hands.  The intrigue of the aloof, the adrenaline of the bad-ass; all tricks mastered by men to melt the hearts of us ladies.  But, now you know better.  Don’t fall for his tricks.  This knowledge is precious and now you must use it to your advantage.  Reclaim your edge.  Girl Power!

Post from: Blisstree

Why Girls Like Bad Boys

The Sexually Confident Wife: Connecting With Your Husband Mind, Body, Heart, Spirit
by Shannon Ethridge
Available – September 8, 2009

The Sexually Confident Wife is a good fit for married women of faith.

Shannon Ethridge, author of the Every Woman’s Battle book series, wrote this book because she believes that …”every woman deserves to enjoy great sex with her husband, without inhibition or shame. But many wives live with the burden of self-doubt or feel mystified about what men really want in bed.”

She cites statistics that say only 8% of married womenfeel they’ve got a “very hot” sex life, 21% find their intimate life “routine and boring,” and another 21% feel like their sex life is non-existent. Not good statistics. Sex is an important part of being human. Need some guidance married ladies of faith?  This book sounds like a good first step.

Women Are Crazy, Men Are Stupid: The Simple Truth to a Complicated Relationship
by Howard J. Morris and Jenny Lee
Available – September 2009

Running with the idea that men act “stupid” and women “act” crazy when it comes to matters of the heart, Morris and Lee, comedy writers and “real-life couple,” use their personal experience as fodder for this relationship guide.

“Using wit, hard-earned wisdom, and a highly entertaining he said/she said format, the authors explore the surprising method to his dumbness and the valid reasons behind her insanity, while providing real solutions to perennial relationship problems.”

This one sounds pretty good. I was talking to my boyfriend today when I felt myself tearing up for no good reason. It was annoying and just a little “crazy.”  I’d love to learn away to avoid feeling that way.

Kiss and Tell: A Trivial Study of Smooching
by Kevin Dwyer

This one isn’t a self-help book, but as a big fan of “smooching,” I felt it was worth listing this upcoming book of kiss trivia  here. Includes a variety of kissing facts, including “what makes French kissing  ’French’” and why people take the time to “kiss the Blarney Stone.” 

Image credit: Barnes and Noble.com

Post from: Blisstree

Fresh Fall Reading: Relationships & Sex

I was searching around on the internet to find ideas for an article about how to bring back the romance to long term relationships, when I stumbled upon a very interesting calendar: The Ask Mars Venus Romance Planner.  This calendar has a specific idea for each day of the month, alternating between “Venusians” and “Martians”, that have the intention of bringing romance back into a relationship.

I had a very strong initial reaction to this “Romance Planner” that suggested things like:

“Tues, June 2:  The next time he upsets you, share your negative feelings in a centered way without blaming or being disapproving of him.”

“Fri, June 26:  The next time you have an argument, make your point, then tell him he’s forgiven. Don’t punish him by making him wonder.”

Yikes!  Those really struck me the wrong way!  Should women seriously take the advice to pick a day that dictates our behavior?  But then I started looking at some of the other suggestions:

“Tues, June 23:  Do her least favorite chore today – if you don’t know what that is, ask!”

“Wed, June 10:  Plan a weekend campout without the kids… Just you two together…you depend on each other for everything.”

Hmm maybe some of these ideas are actually kind of sweet…but does it make sense to try to complete one task everyday?  Is that too much or is that a valid way to re-introduce these types of elements back into your relationship?

Check out the Ask Mars Venus Romance Planner and tell me what you think…I’m still on the fence.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

A Daily Romance Planner?

How to keep a relationship healthy, happy, and hot

In even the best marriages and relationships, there are days when you look at your partner and stifle the urge to stab him with your salad fork. But these bursts of acute anger are rarely what torpedo a marriage; instead it is usually chronic neglect that eats away at the fabric of a relationship. The old saw about familiarity breeding contempt may be overstating the case. Most of the time, rather than contempt, familiarity breeds flashes of bemused resignation or profound, soul-sucking boredom. It has been known to leave both men and women wondering: “is that all there is?”

We’ve all seen that couple at the next table in the restaurant, not a word passing between them as they stare off into the middle distance over each other’s’ shoulders. “That will never be us,” we agree confidently in that first blush of romance. But the distance from a deep emotional and physical connection to ennui and detachment isn’t as vast as we might think.

Image: Provided by Candace Karu

Keeping intimacy and interest alive in a relationship requires daily attention, the kind of attention we can so easily lavish on a thriving business or a beautiful garden. A relationship can flourish with a minimum amount of regular care. But neglect can cause it to sink before you know what hit you.

This kind of care comes in many forms, and the most effective isn’t all that difficult or time consuming. It’s not necessary to greet your beloved at the door swathed in cling wrap and a smile. Extravagant gestures, while certainly welcome on occasion, are not what keep a relationship strong. It is often the smallest considerations – a gentle caress as you pass in the kitchen or a heartfelt compliment in the company of friends – that make the difference in keeping love and interest alive.

Here are a few more ways you can keep the home fires burning:

Have a date night that is set in stone. Claim one night a week for the relationship and guard it fiercely. Go to a quiet restaurant or have a romantic meal at home. Break out the candles and the good china. Dim the lights and put on soft music. Dress up. Make him fall in love with you all over again.

Develop shared interests. Having a common passion, whether it’s collecting first editions or riding Harleys, keeps couples bonded in a very special way. Taking up a hobby that’s new to both of you is a great way to keep a relationship fresh and interesting.

Laugh. A lot.

Cultivate mutual friends. While the benefit of girlfriends and sacred girl time is incontrovertible, it’s also important to have friends as a couple. These friendships support your relationship and help keep it interesting. Expand your circle. Find new people you both like to be around.

Remind yourself of your partner’s most appealing qualities. It may be true that you’ve heard the story he’s telling 326 times, and he hasn’t done a load of laundry since the Bush administration – 41 not 43 – but take a minute every day to think back and remember the reasons you fell in love in the first place. The character traits that attracted you in the beginning of your relationship are still there; acknowledge and cherish them regularly.

It’s been said that women need intimacy to feel sexy and men need sex to feel intimate. This is a situation that can result in a sexual stalemate. Don’t let this happen to you. Physical intimacy – good sex – is relationship super glue. If you and your partner have a good sex life, keep it up. If sex is missing from your relationship, you need to get it back – stat! Break the stalemate; seduce your partner, even if you’re not in the mood. It’s amazing how fast the mood finds you once you’re in the moment. You won’t believe how quickly and positively men respond to feeling sexually attractive. Trust me, in this situation, everyone’s a winner!

Appreciate each other. Leave your partner a sexy note on his bathroom mirror. Surprise him with his favorite breakfast on a workday. Be his biggest fan and supporter.

We’re often reminded that relationships take work. And while it’s true that nothing good comes without effort, this is work that offers up huge dividends for very little effort. The result is a happy, healthy, and vibrant relationship – one of life’s greatest gifts.

Writer and designer Candace Karu is the Consumer Lifestyle Commentator for Cabot Creamery (www.cabotcheese.coop), makers of the world’s best cheddar. You can contact her with any questions or comments at cpkaru@gmail.com or follow her on Twitter @candacekaru.

Post from: Blisstree

Keeping the Home Fires Burning

Working with Chemistry.com, she developed a system of four basic personality types. These are Explorers, Builders, Directors, and Negotiators. There’s a test in the book that will help you determine your main and your secondary personality types.

I am a Negoiator/Explorer. I tend to over-think things especially when it comes to relationships, I use my imagination a lot, and I like to talk about the very subjects that I am over-thinking. My secondary personality aspect, the Explorer is sexual, impulsive, and creative. Yep, that fits, too.

I haven’t had my boyfriend take the quiz yet, but I’m pretty sure he’s a Negoiator, as well. He’s the same with the over-think-iness. And the talking about it. I love that about him. He examines his feelings, shares what he’s discovered, then re-examines the entire thing.  A man who wants to talk about a relationship. How cool is that?

My friend, Scarlett, looked at the book and she said she’s read it all before, but I noticed that she had a hard time putting it down. She’s like me in the wanting to think things through, examine them, figure out the motivation behind a particular action or turn of phrase.

If you are interested in reading about what makes you and your partner or your would-be partner tick, then I suggest you take a look at Helen Fisher’s book. She’s an easy read which is not always the case with relationship books.

Image credit: Barnes and Noble.com

Post from: Blisstree

Personality Type and Real Love

I recently did some research on this subject, and all the experts disagreed on the correct amount of time of various stages…when is the right time to have sex? To move in together? To get engaged? To get married? The correct answer is that it depends on the relationship.

Last year, my best friend and the guy she was dating (on and off, for about three years) introduced their good friends. Over a shared happy hour, they shared a double date and various levels of small talk.

A year later, the newly-introduced couple is engaged. My best friend and her then-guy? Off-again.

It’s so hard to not have mixed feelings when this happens – especially since my best friend has been asked to be the maid of honor in the wedding of these people she introduced, and her now ex will also be in the wedding party. Awkward much? How can she not feel a little resentful, seeing how the people she set up succeeded and her own relationship did not?

The correct response is to be a good friend, and know that one relationship has nothing to do with another. They all have their own factors and situations. Still..we’re all human, and this sort of sucks.

Me, I’m just hoping for a well-stocked cocktail hour. It’s going to be a long night.

Image: Sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Timelines of Dating

My parents NEVER talked to me about sex. Ever. My mom did, however, watch afternoon soaps with me from pretty much toddler-hood, and tell me constantly how eager she was to be a grandma.

Ultimately, I got my education from said soap operas, and later on, trashy romance novels – a reality based out of fantasy, with no basis in logistics.

I wonder, now, if that is the root of all my current problems? Of having nothing real, and clinging to the “maybes” and threads of hope that dating (or pseudo-dating) can offer? Would I have been “normal” if I had gotten the talk as a kid?

I can’t help but wonder.

Image: Sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Not Talking to Kids About Sex

One of her readers wrote to her about a dating situation where she’s seeing a young man that she calls “Rebound Boy,” and how yes, the sex is great, but he’s unattractive to her and acts as if they are not together in public. What is the problem, you ask?  Well, it’s all right there, isn’t it?  He’s not attractive to her and he is embarrassed about being seen with her.

Why are we so afraid of being alone that we will put up with being with someone bad just because he’s a warm body next to us, especially when he’s not next to us?  What is so bad about being single, being independent,  calling all the shots?  Why waste our time on the wrong one?  How are we supposed to meet the right one that way?

I, for one, am not doing it anymore. A little compromise is good, imperative, even, but being treated with anything less than respect is something that I will no longer tolerate.

And if any of my girlfriends are reading this and you notice that I’m doing it again, going along with less than loving treatment, please call me on it. Please.

I was talking to a nice lady yesterday. Someone who had previously been portrayed as a someone very different to me. She’s found herself in this painful situation for too long and it’s even more painful because there is a child involved.

What is wrong with some men?  What are they looking for?  What hole inside themselves are they feeling up with bitterness and ugly nasty feelings like guilt and deceit?  Wouldn’t loving a woman like she deserves to be loved be a better way to make a guy feel like a Big Man?

Yeah, this is corny, but I’m offering all you ladies out there a great big cyber hug. Examine your situation and if it’s hurting you more than making you happy, rethink it. You are not stuck. You are not stupid. And it is definitely not all your fault.

Hold onto the hope that there’s something bigger and better out there for you.

Image credit: All Posters.com

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Treat Me Right