Just quickly to let you know that Marye & I are talking and working on things. She is tenacious, we had a long talk in a parked van on Saturday. She figured she had a captive audience.

We had our first Christian Counseling session yesterday and a coffee date afterward. Even after the counseling we are still on speaking terms. Nothing new, just the groundwork and our objectives.

Marye and I are committed to one another. That has not changed. It won’t change. As y’all know from reading our posts over the past eight months, we are committed and we are real.

Does that Make us Real Committed?

We have agreed to make progress and set small attainable goals for each of us to start off with. I am sure with the counselor there will be assignments and other goals to come.

So we are on this path, to travel to infinity & beyond, together.

Post from: Blisstree

As Were Were… to Where We Will Go.

This is difficult, though not as difficult as real life. I am sorry that I have not been as frequent here at MarriageActually as I should have been. This has been good, getting to know some of you as you would let us know you. To say that laying this down is easy is wrong. Doing this has been equally difficult as of late.

Things are not going well in Camelot. My armor is chinked and tarnished. And may need to be retired as well. I am no knight in shining armor and never have I proposed I was. It seems a horse of that white color that I have been unsteadily mounted needs to go out to pasture as well.

No, there is no Lancelot or Guinevere. No sordid affair. Nothing.

Unfortunately, as we have been transparent here on MA, we have had our marriage put under siege. Perhaps I have allowed it. I have heard that is was long ago. That is neither here nor there. It just is. I was under the delusion that things were better than they indeed are not. I remember that we have a great marriage. The best of anyone we know past or present. Except for one area. I presumed incorrectly and I apologize to you the readers here and mostly to Marye. For it is her that I have truly hurt and neglected. My idea of love is not the kind that makes up the fairy tales or any sort of romance novel. It is not hot, only a low simmer. But it has been steadfast and true. I have stumbled, tripped and fallen, but always gotten back up. I have not gone down for the count.

If this post seems self-centered and focused on Marc, it is. Because the failure of this chapter of Marrriage Actually and our marriage’s condition rests wholly on my shoulders.

I will miss posting, I wish it were different. Thank you for your continued prayers and support of Marye & I. I will miss y’all.

Blessings,

Post from: Blisstree

Fare Thee Well … Not Good-bye.

First of all, I really started reading over Marriage Actually today and I realized that I have been more negative that I want to be, should be, and I know better.  So…Please forgive me for that.  I see Marriage Actually as being a ministry and in my quest for finding a place to think I used this vehicle unwisely, as was lovingly pointed out to me by my Pastor this morning.  And he is right.  As he normally is.

Marc and I,( or maybe it’s just me?) are struggling in ways I never dreamed that we would.  I place a lot of blame on myself because I am increasingly unwilling to play Marc’s way.

Anyway, Pastor gave us three things that we are to do.  I thought that many of you are dealing with issues that are similar to ours (some more intense, some less) that I would share the journey, but hopefully in a more positive way than I have.

No moe whining from me, pinkie swear.

The three things were:

1. Talk about the rule book you grew up with (more about that later)

2. Be each other’s cheerleader

3. Pray and ask God how to meet each other’s needs

I find the rule book interesting.  Marc has always told me he doesn’t have a rule book but I think he does.  I figured out a long time ago that meals and a tidy house are major issues for him.  Sometimes I don’t think he realizes it.   In fact, I think a lot of his stress in this situation has been my inability to continue to do those things the way that I always have.

I know that I have had a rule book in the past but I have had to tear so many pages out of it I think that part of the problem is that I am down to the stuff that I refuse to compromise.

Anyway, rule books get written in families when you are a child.  What rules did you grow up with?  My family had TONS of rules.  Seriously TONS of them.  Dad was a corporate executive and you made sure that you were always perfect.  There were stupid rules, silly rules, and important rules but there were rules.

1. Never pass gas in the same room someone else was in, always leave the room and be totally out of ear and nose shot.  This included family members.

2. Discussion at the dinner table was intellectual and intimate.  We talked abotu books we were reading, current events, things that were important to us, the way that we felt about things that had happened during the day.  You did not have to eat but you had to sit at the table and talk and share.  This was one of the best rules we had.  AND you had to sit down at the table when it was readt (at precisely six o clock) and sit there until everyone was done and you were excused.  No t.v., no anwering the phone, no answering the door.

3.You looked Dad in the eyes when you talked to him.

4. I was only spanked twice that I can remember by my dad…rather unusual in the 1960s.  My mom more than made up for it.  But dad would, when I had done something wrong, sit me down and talk it out.  Sometimes we would go get burgers, or shakes.  The conversation would be about what I had done, what had motivated me to do it, and why I thought it was wrong.  He gave me more than one guided tour through my head.

5. Pay your bills,  Stay out of debt, save up and pay cash, give 10 percent or more to charity, put 10 percent in savings and spend the rest as you wish, but not when you have debt.  Never go by a hungry person without giving them something to eat if you can help it, and never walk by the Salvation Army Kettle without putting something in it.

6.For fun our family went camping, hiking, and to the beach.  When we had a weekend at home we worked on the house:painting, fixing, planting, creating an addition…Dad always wanted a couple of hours to lay in the sun and recharge.  The man was a mahogany color an he was caucasian.

7. Live like you were dying tomorrow.  Do not let an opportunity pass you by to experience something new.

8. Stay active.

I loved my dad.  I still miss him, eight years later.  He was my biggest fan, my greatest champion, and the person who always knew exactly what to say to me.  At least until I turned 15 and our family fell apart.  But I had a great first 15 years.

And therin lies some of the problem.  Marc is not my dad.  Nor should he have to be.

It may seem silly but in Marc’s family his dad headed for the bathroom when everyone was called to the table.  In my family doing that would mean that you missed dinner.  Do you know, one of the biggest irritations in our marriage is that noone comes to the table when I call?  People head to the bathroom, or stay on the computer, or watch the last 5 minutes of a television show.  I have given up!

What is written in your rulebook?  Have you looked at the pages lately?  Are you holding your spouse to activities and actions that they know nothing about?

Is there something that is important to your spouse that you haven’t been doing?

Our Pastor is a pretty smart guy.  Take some time tonight or tomorrow and sit down and compare rule books.  See what you find out. And be willing to take notes.

No matter where you are or what you are going through you have to be willing for God to step in and change your direction.  I had my direction changed in a major way this morning.

Your turn.

Image:SXC

Post from: Blisstree

Rule Books, Cheerleaders, and Meeting Deep Needs

I have to be the first to admit that while I am pretty knowledgeable in many areas of marital studies there is the occasional term that I don’t know.  This was the case of a phrase I came across a few years ago.  The idea seemed odd to me.  And so, to understand it I did what I always do, I researched it and what people had to say about it.

What was the term?  Maintenance sex.  If you are not aware of the definition it is when the low drive partner plans an encounter that is geared specifically for the high drive partner to quickly release.  And everything I have read is geared toward teaching women how to do this creatively.

And therein lies my irritation and frustration.  There is no reason that if the husband is the low drive spouse he cannot come  up with creative scenarios just as easily as a low drive wife can.

Is there?

Apparently, what I am seeing, is that high drive spouses need, not only more sex, but imaginative, playful, intense sex.

Low drive spouses seem to be perfectly happy with the physical side of it, less often, and routine is o.k.

Often the LD spouse can’t understand why the HD spouse emotionally and intellectually needs more play.  I think I want to explore that some other time..but right now the subject is maintenance sex.

So, on Amazon I was paging through a book called, “Lube Jobs: A Woman’s Guide to Great Maintenance Sex” If you don;t know, you can read excerpts from books on the website.  If the publisher allows it there is generally a button underneath that you click to get inside the book.

Anyway, as I was reading it I was thinking, Wow! This is cool! This would be awesome!  How much fun is THAT?

And all of a sudden I realized that it was because I am the HD spouse not the LD spouse, and that more than likely the LD spouse would be reading and rolling their eyes.  And then I realized that everything in the book told women how to make a quickie intense for their spouse with out actually having to use penetration… but there was, of course,nothing about how men can create a quickie scenario for their wives.

In the book they suggested various toys (sleeves, vibrators, lubes, etc).  In the same way toys can be used when the LD spouse is the husband.

Why would you need ot add maintenance sex to your relationship? Basically you should consider it under the following circumstances:

• You have to be celibate for a period of time due to illness, birth, etc.
• You just have a much lower drive than your spouse.  If you aren’t sure if this is a necessity, ask your spouse how often they masturbate out of need.  That should give you your answer.  IF they are honest.
• You want to spice things up and get back some of the “fire” you used to have in your relationship
• Your spouse has been withdrawn and depressed lately and not as physical with you as in the past.

So, what is good maintenance sex? It is important to know because bad maintenance sex makes you want to hand your spouse $20 and say “thanks”.

(Remember, I am writing from the perspective a a higher drive spouse that is a woman, it may be a little different for many men…but my guess is that it is pretty much the same{)

• Be enthusiastic.  Geez.  Seriously.  Just because your body is not there hormonally doesn’t mean you can’t get enthusiastic over making your spouse happy.
• Be creative.  Use seduction.  Talk.  You want it to be over quick? Learn to guide their emotional response while you guide their physical response.  “We are stuck in an elevator…”
• Give them something to look at.  HD spouses are generally pretty visual, which is why we often have to guard against porn and other visual stimuli.  Give us something to look at and we are halfway there.
• Don’t be patronizing.  If you have the attitude of being bored, this is another chore, or it is all for your spouse your attitude will come across loud and clear in your body language, your facial expressions, and your general attitude. Trust me, your spouse will feel worse when you are done.
• Be unexpected.  Hop in the shower or bath with us, wake us up romantically, or write us a steamy email.
• Talk dirty.  Seriously.  Driving in the car without the kids? Tell us what you would like to be doing…even if you are making it up as you go along.  We like sex.  That seems to be the problem.
• Allow us to believe that we are capable of turning you into a quivering mass of raw desire.  We like that feeling.  Since you do it to us so often it sometimes feels like we are inadequate if we can’t return the favor.
• Don;t make stupid excuses.  We can see through them.  And then we feel like you have decided we are STUPID as well as undesireable.   If you can’t focus on having sex when the house is a mess, get a hotel room for an afternoon and have your spouse meet you there.   If you have to be somewhere in an hour then use that to intensify the passion.  Think outside the bed.
• If you value your spouse then what is important to them is also important to you.  If you are busy with your own agenda, pursuing your desires, fulfilling your dreams and you are frustrated that they won’ t be enthusiastic or get involved, ask yourself if you are sowing into their life what you want to reap in yours.
• Most of all, initiate a conversation.  Generally the HD spouse is the active one, the one that generally pushes for change.  By you initiating the conversation about changing your sexual habits then it will show them that you are interested. Don;t just ask what they want, have some ideas of your own. Make sure you follow through.

I am not making excuses for the HD spouse.  There is no excuse for falling into affairs, porn, or anger and resentment.

BUT I am saying that for those of us that are high drive?  We battle with those things.  We have to make the choice the look away from people we find attractive.  We have to make the concious effort not to look at porn, We have to choose to not head to a motel with the person that has made it obvious that they find us incredibly desireable.

Those choices are sometimes hard to make.  A HD spouse is constantly battling to control physical needs..imagine being so hungry that your stomach has that gnawing feeling and then someone holds out a cupcake.  As much as we might love our spouse it is difficult to ignore that gnawing hunger sometimes. When we do, and we are feeling really empowered and strong, we head home to lavish our affections on our spouse, often to be rejected.     Then we battle to control our emotions; depression and hopelessness.  Masturbation tends to disgust the lower drive spouse.  Basically we are told, whether in words or in attitude that our needs, desires, wants…these are unimportant.  We are unimportant. Are we just sexual beings? I don’t know, maybe we are.  It is 10 in the morning, I haven’t fixed breakfast yet and I am obviously thinking about..you know… in fact, I would rather skip breakfast all together in lieu of…yeah.

At some point a HD spouse will turn to porn, an affair, divorce, or suicide if nothing changes.  Some may be strong enough in character to avoid all of the above but my guess would be that these are the minority.

Maintenance sex is worth discussing if nothing else.   Finding another name for it would good.

image: SXC

Post from: Blisstree

Maintenance What?

I think that it would probably be the LACK of money and the LACK of sex that cause the problems.  Anyway, in this year of the plethora of economic woes you will see three words in the same sentence more and more:money, sex, divorce.

When it relates to other people and other marriages it does little more than make us shake our heads and “tsk..tsk…tsk” but when it is our marriage…well…that is different.

These seem to be two areas where couples have trouble coming to an agreement, a middle ground, or at least a ceasefire.

I think it is because of power.  Sex can be used as leverage to get the higher drive partner to be more manageable.  I don’t necessarily think that you have to be aware that you are doing it, though.  I think in many cases it is below the conciousness level.

As I said in a comment to David on another post, I am odd in that my thought pattern and responses tend to be male although I am definitely all female.  I see women especially (all though men do it too) using sex as a tool to control their mate.

• If your spouse begs for sex then there is a problem and you are at least 50 % of it.
• If your spouse masturbates out of need for sexual release rather than out of recreation there is a problem and you are at least 50% of it.
• If you think your spouse is oversexed, if you have a superior attitude because you don’t “need it” as much, then you have a problem and it is not theirs.
• If you know that your spouse is struggling sexually and you don’t take positive action then if they have an affair, although they are wrong to do so, you are at least 50% responsible for it

Harsh, huh?

A spouse should not feel that they have to be good, jump through hoops, or align the heavenlies just right in order to have a physical, emotional, and spiritual need met.

Just as much as too much pressure for sex is abusive, denying the sexual needs of your spouse is abuse.  Personally, I would like to see every person that doesn’t see sex as a valid need be forced to go without food for as long as they force their spouse to go without sex.

Harsh? Yep.

By the same token, if you are making love 2 or more times a week you should not be pressuring your spouse for more.

The point is that we tend to feel like our priorities are the correct ones.  It is all about us and our feelings.  Other people are secondary…and in marriage our spouse’s needs should come first unless they put their own needs first… When that happens the giving spouse can become an enabler and a martyr and that isn’t healthy for the marriage.

So if you see this pattern happening what do you do?

Please note: I am not a psychologist, nor do I play one on T.V. …I am only someone who is overly analytical and has read ALOT of books and talked to ALOT of people candidly about their issues.

For the high drive partner:

• You have to break the pattern.  It may take you backing off and using masturbation to keep yourself comfortable while you work this out.  More pressure on your part is not going to solve the problem.
• Ask yourself what your least amount of sexual activity could be.  Two times a week? Four? Is there a way you can find a middle ground with your mate?
• If you need release a minimum of 4 times a week and their top amount is 2, would they be willing to hold you while you masturbate, or to use another method besides intercourse to “get there’?
• Don’t beg.  You will lose self respect.
• Stay away from situations that are risky for you.  And keep your mate as the main character in your fantasies.  Anything else will lead to more trouble than you all ready have.
• Be humble enough to ask if there is anything you need to do differently.

For the low drive spouse:

• Understand the for most healthy people sex is a need, a very real one.  Lack of release can cause depression, suicidal thoughts, spiritual issues, and physical pain.  This is not only for men.  There are women that experience severe pain when they have not had release in a period of time.  This is the one thing your spouse can only get from you.
• Be willing to talk and communicate about your own needs and what you are willing to do in the way of compromise.  If you spouse needs sex 10 times a week and you are only willing to give it up once a month that is not compromise.  That is cruelty.
• I find that most low drive spouses are bothered by the idea that their high drive spouse masturbates.  They should not have to sneak off to the bathroom for release.  Give them  permission to do what you are unable to and at least become an active part of the process.
• Never sneer or make light of their needs or tease them about it.  This is a very intimate area and deep wounds are hard to fix.

Again, communication, real communication coupled with action is the key to working through. Be willing to do one thing to show each other that you are actively working on the problem together.  If sex used to be good but has become a problem then talk about it and see if you can figure out what the change is.

Tomorrow…..Money.

image:SXC

Post from: Blisstree

Money and Sex: Top Reasons for Divorce Part 1

Does the way you handle conflict depend more on who you are or how long you have been married or both?

USA Today has this post about conflict in marriage.  According to  Maggie Scarf, 77, author of a new book September Songs: The Good News About Marriage in the Later Years, conflicts in marriage are less likely to be a problem when you have been married a long time.

She should know, she has been married to her husband for fifty five years. She says that there is a U curve in marriage.  Contentment is at its highest in the first few years, drops as people experience stress and conflict and then climbs back up as the nest starts to empty and lives settle down.

I think this has been true for Marc and I.  We have never been the kind of couple to scream and throw things.  Uh…He has never been the kind of guy to scream and throw things…. but we have had  our issues certainly.  I think that now it is more likely to be a matter of:

“Hey, this is how I feel”

“Wow, sorry I did  not mean it that way.”

“Are you going ahead with it?”

“Yeah, sorry”

“::sigh:: o.k….whatever”

That is about it. Oh and as far as empty nest? HA! We have 6 still home and the youngest is 5 years old.

The thing is that all that drama just takes too much energy now.  And let’s be realistic folks, when I was 22 I could have left Marc and found a replacement within a few minutes.  He could have left me and found a replacement within a few minutes…but now?

There are so many men standing in line to date a middle aged woman with 6 kids, right?  And the same number of women are standing in line to date a middle aged man with health issues.

See, we have to work it out…We are stuck with eachother.

In the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, there is one part at the beginning where an older man gets disgusted and says “AWWWW..Youth is wasted on the young!”

You know, that is pretty profound.  Some of those arguments and issues that seem so important at 23 or 24 are so silly at…umm…a older age.  If young marrieds would spend more time making out on the couch and less time worrying about whose turn it is to take out the trash marriages would last longer…

The house would stink…but the marriage would definitely be sweet.

So, you? Which season of marriage are you in early, middle, or late? Are you handling conflict differently than you used to?

Image:Morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

USA Today:Conflict is Handled Differently in Long Term Marriages

In the last three posts I have talked  about how Christianity changed me. Other areas have affected me as much and I don’t want to neglect them.

Work / Career have had a big influence on me as well. Let’s face it, our careers can definitely reshape and mould a man in positive ways, but it can also have very negative influence on who we are and who we will become. In my twenties, I was extremely career oriented and my mentors were a big influence. Whether in college or in the workplace, it shaped who I am now….

After suddenly having my Marine Corps career ended for medical reasons (correctly diagnosed or not) here I was, a twenty something  having to rethink what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

My first two choices are not options. You see I studied Mechanical and Architectural Drafting and stepped into the recession in the 1970’s. I couldn’t do what I had worked so hard to achieve for the last four years of school.

I went to work in a mill in New England. After two union lay-offs I went and visited the Marine Corps recruiter in Worcester, Mass. and two weeks later was off to a fun filled 14 week vacation in Paradise (note Sarcasm). I arrived at Parris Island, So. Carolina and my life was changed forever.

I survived boot camp and was selected to undergo several additional batteries of testing and interviewing.  After the testing and interviews I was offered three prestigious opportunities:

• Embassy Duty (just months before our embassy in Iran was taken and Americans there were held hostage)
• Presidential Guard for Pres. Jimmy Carter (not just no but, H*ll NO!) Reagan would have been acceptable, but it wasn’t his time yet.
• Language school in Monterey, Ca. (Oh Yeah! Beach, sunny California).

I was off to California for the next year. Marye & I met and were married there.What a great place to fall in love.

I was force-fed the Arabic language & Iraqi dialect in 47 weeks.

(Fast forward to my time immediately after the marines…) I floundered and lost a lot of my confidence as I couldn’t go into police or fire-fighting work, because I had been diagnosed with a seizure disorder. After 2 1/2 years I entered retail jewelry, in a very prestigious company in Dallas, Tx. I had to mask my obvious Massachusetts accent to just be understood and I learned to dress for success. Hair neat, dressed like a mafioso, with a self maintained manicure.I was transformed into the the classic YUPPY.

I was outstanding in my field, a sales leader and motivator, read all the right self-improvement books… became another person.

I was still in the early years as a married man and a dad. When I grew up, a man was the provider for the family; it was his responsibility and “you are what you do” for that living. (Here is another post subject)
Proper diction, body language, always in control of the situation in the store, friendly yet intense and sometimes intimidating to others in the company, for just a few points. In other words, a changed man, headed on the fast track right up the company ladder. But not myself at all…

I was so involved with business, networking, getting ahead, dressing better and selling more than anyone else that I didn’t take vacations, time off was filled with things I need to do to become more successful, and I was losing ground on the home-front. On one of my days off  I  got a call from the store, then called my customer in Indiana and closed a six watch, $35,000.00 deal from our living room sofa.

Failing as both as a husband and a dad, to the point of almost losing Marye & the kids. Thank God for an In-your-face wife, or it would have been over then. We will go there another time.

Has your career caused you to become a different man at home with the  love of your life?

Have you forgotten who you were and your other passions?

Was it a good change or did you become a Workaholic?

Image:Morguefile 

Post from: Blisstree

Where Did I Go ? part 4

Still on the same subject, I hope that you are not rolling your eyes at me..but this subject is near and dear to my heart. Too many women are silently dealing with these things and being told by the media and their own minds that it is their lack of desirability that makes their mates ignore them.

One of the things I learned during this time was that the problem, MY problem was not with Marc it was within me.

Yes, married people should be having incredible sex. Yes…one spouse should not withold from another…but..at the same time, my validation was focused squarely on Marc’s response to me, and that made me vulnerable for a stumble into infidelity. I found that when men complimented me, I had a physical response that I had to quickly suppress. Between my upbringing, and Marc’s seeming (to me) unresponsivenss it did not take much for another man to, even unknowingly, start my engines.

That frightened me because I did not want to fall into lust, and I certainly did not want to have an affair. I knew that I had to deal with my own issues and trust that God would begin to deal with Marc’s.

For me, feeling not quite good enough my whole life had created a vulnerability to appreciation. I tend to crave it. The first thing I had to do was change the voice in my head that constantly told me how ugly I was, what a screw up I was, how I never did anything right.

I wish I could say that I overcame that voice. I have not. I still battle with those things. At a size 10 I consider myself grossly overweight, altho most others do not. I not only do not think I am attractive, anytime that I feel unnoticed by Marc I can fall into despondancy because, “if only I was attractive he would notice me” If I make a mistake I immediately berate my stupidity and am so humiliated that I want to fall through the floor. And I am almost OCD about doing things carefully so as not to screw up.

Sorry, this is just the for-real-part of me. This is what I struggle with. It isn’t cool, elegant, funny, or amazing. I am not superwoman. I am not even perfect…and I has taken me years to be able to openly admit it…not because of pride but because of fear of rejection. Only perfection was tolerated in my home growing up. I was told as a 14 year old size 7 (5′4″) that I was chubby and needed to lose weight…among other things. I was given a standard, an almost impossible standard to live up to and I tried my very best to do it.

I brought that standard for myself into my marriage…I would get up before MArc and put makeup on, have breakfast started….I did not know how to cook very well because I had not been allowed in the kitchen so while he was at work I would make dinner over and over again until I had something that could be served. It went on and on…Perfect wife, perfect mom, perfect…

But I could not get it right in the bedroom…surely a perfect lover would create desire in the beloved? Surely a perfect lover would figure out what to wear, what to say, what to do to make things passionate? Playful? Intense?

I had failed. Nothing I did made a difference and the failure seemed to rest squarely on me.

So you see, it was imperative that I allow Marc to take responsibility for his own feelings and that I not allow myself to feel responsible to keep everything juggled and balanced properly. I had to step out of the limelight and realize that it was not all about me all of the time. In a twisted way this is self centeredness. Not what you would normally think of as being self centered, but self centered none-the-less.

I began talking myself up in the mirror. Looking into my own eyes and telling myself the things I needed to hear.

Geeez, I felt stupid.

But you know what, over a period of time it worked. I began to be built up and able to see Marc’s issues as his own, something that saddened me but that I could not, and did not need to manipulate or control.

Image:Morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

Perfection Sucks

After going from one extreme to the other. It has been an adventure, (one I’m still on) finding my old self and inviting myself back into my walk with Christ and my marriage.

Some of you reading might be thinking this guy is going through his mid-life crisis. No, because we both wish this happened earlier in our marriage, or better yet didn’t have to. I haven’t gone out and bought a new sports car or Harley, although the new Chevy Camaro does look pretty tough. Nor have have I thought of trading Marye in on a newer model with lower miles.

Earlier in our marriage I had closed off parts of myself., thinking it didn’t fit into my Christian life. Instead of balancing my interests in the outdoors, guns, historical re-enacting, extreme and not so extreme activities with God, Marye and our kids, I just let them go.

Now my kids are involved in some of them. Marye may not participate, but is very supportive.

You can find intimate conversation with the Lord on a rock face, at 10,000 feet and falling, or at a fishing hole or campsite. As an individual, and as a man, there is no spirituality in becoming less than who God made you to be.

Image:MaryeAudet

Post from: Blisstree

Where Did I Go (part 3) Finding the Balance

At the end of Part 1, I referred to skiing the Double Black Diamond slope, after being off skis for about 26 years.

That was a big confidence builder for me, but I still have a Double Black to conquer at Sugarloaf, in Maine. You see I was about 15 or 16 on a school Ski Club trip over New Years when that slope really kicked my backside. I felt like that guy on ABC Wide World of Sports, you know… where the announcer said “and the Agony of Defeat.” Ouch!

I will go back to Sugarloaf and ski that slope… And I won’t walk down 3/4 of that trail because my ski is broken. I have a couple of other things to conquer first though. They have to do with my health.

Back to my subject for now. As I became the man the modern day American Christian evangelical church wanted me to be I lost a lot of who I was.

The man the Marines made had to change. Team sports and individual challenges were replaced with prayer and time in His word, instead of adding prayer and God’s word to them. I found myself not looking at attractive women in person, on tv, or movies so that I wouldn’t lust instead of letting Him help me overcome any weakness in that area. I left behind rifles and pistols because I believed a lie.

You’ve got to remember that to many Christians, guns + men = killing, and one of God commandments says “Thou shall not kill.” None of the Christian men I got to know did any of the things I had enjoyed. Well if you take the warrior mentality and the Guy’s guy out of the modern day Christian man, you might as well castrate him and make him an it. How can a man be an intercessor / prayer warrior without that same Warrior Mentality?

Have you ever wondered why the men in the church are not the strong prayer leaders and it is the ladies who do spiritual warfare, and head up the prayer meetings and intercessory prayer meetings? Maybe because the men have relinquished those roles. They want to be good Christians, gentle, meek, and feminized.

Yes, I said feminized. You remember the Sears ad campaign “Come see the softer side of Sears“? About the same time frame you started seeing the softer side of men; the more sensitive, politically correct, kinder and gentler guy. He was more acceptable.

About the time of that era, I became him too. It has caused problems in our marriage as Marye started feeling like I wouldn’t fight for her, if she was to leave. I stopped looking at her “that” way, and she began feeling unattractive, like she couldn’t turn me on. Later she felt ugly and rejected. Just read “When He Has A Headache.” We have gone through counseling to overcome the problems that I had, and that I had created in our marriage. And it was counseling that I could not find in the church.

My pastor couldn’t deal with my problems when I sat down with him for counseling. He would much rather sit and discuss the war against terror and information I was able to gather. We are both prior service military and that was our only connection. When asked to help me deal with my sexual, spiritual & marital problems and sins He as the modern American pastor, couldn’t deal with Christian Male issues himself.

I never saw such a relieved look on a man’s face as I did when we met at Starbucks a couple of months later and I told him that Marye and I were getting counseling at the VA Medical Center. Secular counseling.

Do you really think Jesus wouldn’t have dealt with me. Why can’t we guys who have read In His Steps, do what Jesus would do? Really, didn’t He call sin what it really was, SIN! Was He politically correct? Not wishing to offend anyone. Wasn’t David, who slew Goliath, and a victor in war, a man after God’s own heart? Then why have men, husbands and fathers lost their identity as men in today’s church?

I ‘m not saying we should all become Chauvinist pigs. We should be Godly men.

more to come later…

Image:Morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

Where Did I Go? Part 2