Unfortunately, there are quite a few mistakes people unknowingly make that could be keeping them from true love….or at least a movie date.

Are you having trouble meeting someone?  Then, take a look at this list and see if you are making one or more of these mistakes. Many of them are things we’ve talked about here before. Basically the point is this – make an effort. Comb your hair, get out of your house, and make eye contact. 

*You expect true love to find it’s way to your door. It’s a wonderful idea, but it’s probably never going to happen. Get out of your house.  Go shopping. Join a club. Arrange to meet some friends. 

*When you do go out, don’t travel with a crowd. It’s easier to approach someone if there’s less chance of public embarrassment in front of a group. 

*You are shy. Get over it. I bet that if I took a poll I’d find that more than half the women I ask would identify themselves as shy. It’s not fun to approach a stranger. Taking a chance is terrifying, but what do you have to lose? 

*You favor comfort and the natural look…at all times. Make an effort. It’s so simple, but when you look your best, you actually feel better.

*You live by The Rules. Take a chance. Be bold. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out.  Failure is a temporary thing. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

Meeting people, so much of it comes down to chance and circumstance. It’s up to you to allow yourself the opportunity to take advantage of both.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

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Still Single?

*Go forth with confidence. It’s the fake-it-till-you-make-it school of thought.

Santos says, “Men are taught that confidence solves just about anything. You can be making a total mistake, but as long as you’re confident, it will turn out okay. This may explain why we are so clueless at what we are doing in bed, but we act like we know.”

*A little self-control is not a bad thing. Have a glass of wine, but I don’t care how they are portrayed in romantic-comedies, a sloppy drunk girl is not cute.

Santos says, “Getting too tipsy on a date is a turnoff. Some people turn into a completely different person when they are drunk. Let the other person learn about you while you’re sober… Alcohol should be introduced into the relationship slowly…”

*He really does like the natural look. My daughter was telling me that her new boyfriend doens’t want her to wear makeup. They all say this and I think that they like the idea that their girl is a natural beauty, but we ladies can feel more confident with a little makeup. The trick is to keep it light and subtle.

Santos says, “Seems like as time goes by, makeup makes like the earth and erodes and changes with weathering. There is nothing more ghastly than makeup run amuck in the morning after spending the night together.”

*Men think women are crazy. I could take offense at this one, but I’m going to give men a break here. It’s not just women – humans are crazy. The trick is the find the crazy that you can stand to live with.

Santos says, “Once I accepted that women were ‘crazy’ (many older guys had insisted they were for years), it seemed to take a huge load of pressure off me. No longer was I trying to rationalize moves that women made that got me into crazy analysis cycles. When I just throw it all out the window and dismiss it as ‘crazy,’ it makes it easier to deal.”

*Yes, commitment does scare him. Here’s where I think women differ – we take a man and we make him somehow fit with our ideal. We stick him into a box where maybe he doesn’t fit so well. Men are the opposite, they wonder about the possibilities and question how they will recognize The One when she arrives.

Santos says, “Commitment means that I’ve decided that the woman I’m settling down with is perfect and there is no one else out there for me. Commitment means I’ve found my soul mate, that I am completely secure with myself, and that there should be no going back. I don’t know about you, but all of that is pretty heavy.”

Check out the rest of Rich Santo’s 20 Secrets Men Keep here.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

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The Mystery That is Man, 5 Quick Insights

*According to a study at the University of New Brunswick, Canada, men feel that the ideal amount of time to spend on foreplay is 18 minutes. Women mistakenly assumed that men wanted less, when they assumed the ideal amount was 15 minutes. I guess they aren’t in the hurry that we assumed they were ladies. Good to know.

*Paul, 27, enjoys getting sexy messages from his lady throughout the day. A little playful teasing gives you both something to look forward to. “Occasionally she’ll page me and send the message ‘I want to [bleep] tonight.’ I love getting playful, devilish little notes like this. It lets me know that she’s going to be ready and raring to go when I get home.” 

*Doing something unexpected can be very sexy, especially when it involves a touch of risk.  Tom, 31 got a sexy surprise from his lady one night, “…my wife and I were out to dinner and we were sitting at a table, but she wouldn’t take off her coat. I asked her why and she said she couldn’t — and just stared at me. Turns out, all she was wearing was a trench coat and high heels. I couldn’t even eat; all I could think was, ‘This is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.’”

Image credit: Barnes and Noble.com

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REDBOOK’s 500 Sex Tips

I was confused by his reaction at first, but then I thought back to a conversation we’d had about 20 minutes prior on the word “prerequisite” and it occurred to me that it might be one of those words that mean different things to different people.

I looked up the word “courting” and Free Online Dictionary has this:

*To try to gain the love or affections of, especially to seek to marry.
*To attempt to gain the favor of by attention or flattery: a salesperson courting a potential customer.
*To behave so as to attract (a mate).
*To pursue a courtship; woo.

My intent, with the word “courting” is this – I want to be wooed, I want to feel special.

I mentioned to my boyfriend that I was thinking about pursuing a degree and part of the course load included a small business class. He said that there are free online business classes. Then, he looked them up for me, told me where to find them. That’s woo-worthy to me. He spent time, he did something thoughtful. I felt loved.

I asked some of my friends what they thought about courting and dating. The impression that I got from them was that courting is a sort of pre-dating. Hand-holding, no sex. (Ack. I do not want that). If you look at it that way, then dating would be casual time shared between two people and courting is time spent with the intent of building something serious.

Date for fun. Court for committment.

What do you think? I’m going to take this one to the Blisstree Message Boards. Have you checked out our message boards yet?  You haven’t?  Go up to the top of the page and click Community. I look forward to seeing you there.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

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Courting vs. Dating

My daughter and her boyfriend, Greg, are doing number one on the list today – Tubing on the river. He picked her up a bit ago and we had a big discussion about sunscreen. For some reason she was resistant. Silly kid.

I’ve never been tubing myself. It sounds like so much fun. I do, however, float on a raft in hip-high water as often as my schedule permits. I think that a picnic at the park and a float on the creek would be a good addition to the list.

Other ideas include a mystery road trip and a restaurant crawl. I like both of those ideas. We have a small downtown area in my town and there are some great restaurants down there. I’ll have to keep that in mind for when my boyfriend is back in town. If we hit it on the right day, we could even catch some music.

The next date on the list is playing an online game together. I guess that would be fun for some people, but games are something that the kids do with my boyfriend. I want to talk or at least look him in the face, because it’s something that I rarely get to do. I think I’ll skip this one.

The next one is picnic, but hey, I already mentioned that. They do give a good recipe for a Garbanzo Bean dip, though, so you might want to check that out. Pack some gum in the picnic basket as it features a healthy amount of garlic. (Yum, but also high on the ick factor if you are hoping for some romance).

Cosmo suggests doing some of the fun things you did as a kid. What did you like to do when you were younger?

This is going to sound silly, but I liked to swing in the dark. When I was a teen – actually up until I was a young mom -I used to love to go to the park and swing in the moonlight. The park at night is both beautiful and creepy.  Believe it or not, that’s a pretty sexy combination. (Skip this one if you live in a high crime area. Yikes).

The last suggestion is to watch a movie under the stars. I have always wanted to do that, but those projectors are pricey. Cosmo suggests using your laptop. Okay, the picture is little, but it works and you can put the money you save by not getting the projector toward the mystery road trip suggestion.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

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Summer Date Ideas

Some couples celebrate anniversaries while they are dating.  There seem to be a lot of variations in these anniversaries and I have no idea what the right answers are for determining these.  How often do you celebrate?  It could be every week, month, year?  And even more importantly, how do you decide on your official day to celebrate?  Is it the first meeting, date, kiss, night you slept together, or day you decided to be exclusive?

There are are really so many possible answers to all of these questions and infinite options.  It all seems to be very personalized for each couple.  Everyone has a little story about the day that they pick as their anniversary and they get to tell the story everytime they celebrate on their special day (so let’s hope that it’s more interesting than “the night we sealed the deal”).

So I’ve come to my decision about what I think about dating anniversaries:  they are a day to put aside to celebrate the romance in a relationship.

It is not official like a wedding anniversary, so there is no need to worry about cards or gifts for other people.  The dating anniversary is completely insular to the couple.  It is a day that couples program to fit what they agree upon in their relationship and they come together for a specific moment of romance.

If this is not something that you need or are looking for in a relationship, then you will probably find that you are one of the couples who doesn’t celebrate dating anniversaries.  If you are looking to add a little romance reminder into your dating relationship, then this is a great place to find it.

Image: sxc.hu

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Do You Celebrate Dating Anniversaries?

In the essay, Andy talks about how when he assumes the role of “teacher” in a relationship, it inevitably leads to the downfall of that relationship.

I’ve had boyfriends who like to teach me things before. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not.

I am the type of person who needs to read the directions a few times, who then needs to then learn by doing. I have to get my hands on it, whatever it is. I think that’s why I have problems with concepts like  finance – although I am a whiz at personal budgeting. If I had a model of the world and the banks and lots of little play money, I could probably figure it out.

My boyfriend hasn’t had the opportunity to teach me much yet.  Well maybe a couple of things and one thing that he was shocked that I didn’t know how to do already. He’s fairly patient with the teaching, but in conversation he has said a few things that if we were in person and not communicating over the phone, I would probably have felt like smacking the back of his head.

For example, one time he said, “You cannot be that naive.”  This was in a conversation where we were both being rather naive, if you really get down to it. Or naive in that when people write or say things, we tend to believe them because neither of us makes a habit of lying.

I do like to have a man show me how to do something. I’ve learned that they enjoy being needed, so I have no problem with saying, “I don’t get this, would you please show me how it’s done.” Plus, I like to learn new things.

Once, I had a boyfriend who was very arrogant, very much an I-know-it-all type. My brake light was not working. We took a look at it and tried to find a replacement. There was no replacement at the first store that we looked it. We looked at the light again and noticed that it was full of water. Hhmm. Interesting.

For some reason, he stopped there.

We went home, I got some tools, I went out to my Mom-van and took the light apart. I turned it upside down, poured the water out, put it back together. It worked again. (Now I park farther under the carport to avoid further leaks).

The interesting thing to me was that when it looked like it wouldn’t be a quick fix, Mr. Arrogance just walked away. It ceased to matter or possibly to exist to him. It took me, Ms.The Only Way It’s Gonna Get Done, to take care of my own problem, because Mr. Arrogance noticed that something more interesting was on Fox News.

My point is this, a man may have a lot to offer and then again he may not. Don’t depend on them to teach you. Teach yourself. When I fixed that light on my own, with no help from my ex, I felt 10 feet tall.

This also goes for setting up your stereo system, your dvd, your home theater system, carrying heavy stuff, putting together a computer desk kit. Just do it yourself. It will feel great.

Image credit: Chase Your Bliss Photography

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Teaching, Learning, Doing It Yourself

I was searching around on the internet to find ideas for an article about how to bring back the romance to long term relationships, when I stumbled upon a very interesting calendar: The Ask Mars Venus Romance Planner.  This calendar has a specific idea for each day of the month, alternating between “Venusians” and “Martians”, that have the intention of bringing romance back into a relationship.

I had a very strong initial reaction to this “Romance Planner” that suggested things like:

“Tues, June 2:  The next time he upsets you, share your negative feelings in a centered way without blaming or being disapproving of him.”

“Fri, June 26:  The next time you have an argument, make your point, then tell him he’s forgiven. Don’t punish him by making him wonder.”

Yikes!  Those really struck me the wrong way!  Should women seriously take the advice to pick a day that dictates our behavior?  But then I started looking at some of the other suggestions:

“Tues, June 23:  Do her least favorite chore today – if you don’t know what that is, ask!”

“Wed, June 10:  Plan a weekend campout without the kids… Just you two together…you depend on each other for everything.”

Hmm maybe some of these ideas are actually kind of sweet…but does it make sense to try to complete one task everyday?  Is that too much or is that a valid way to re-introduce these types of elements back into your relationship?

Check out the Ask Mars Venus Romance Planner and tell me what you think…I’m still on the fence.

Image: sxc.hu

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A Daily Romance Planner?

It’s really interesting how, when living with your parents, you are eager to get away from them, and then as soon as you move out, they become sort of…cool.

Anyway, in another one of my blogs, I am running a contest where readers have to share their most romantic moment. My mom told my dad about it, and said she had wanted to enter, but couldn’t think of a romantic moment to share.

They enjoyed a playful banter for the remainder of the day, where they each tried to conjure up a moment. The end result was that in thirty-two years of marriage, they had not had any moments.

I think the truth is that they have a constant moment – this is a couple that after three decades, still eats dinner together every night, and watches TV together each evening, and boast that they share a pillow.

I think just that they can’t pick out a specific moment sort of suggests they are never not romantic. Or maybe I’m just biased. :-

Image: Sxc.hu

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Your Most Romantic Moment

Except…

“Well, he’s really sweet, and generous, but kind of…boring.”

Apparently, my friend and this guy fell into a relationship about a week into dating. They never had the casual dating phase, but, rather, went from first date to sleepovers and having toothbrushes in each other’s apartments.

Hot?

Not.

“Most nights, we just sit on the couch side by side on our laptops and don’t even talk.”

My friend is rethinking the entire relationship, wondering if the price of achieving the comfort level has meant the honeymoon has ended before it ever even started – and while she wants to recapture the passion, she can’t actually remember it ever being there in the first place.

We know many marriages eventually become friendships. But can a relationship last if that’s all it really is to start out with?

Image: Sxc.hu

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Love Gone Lame