She has the classic dilemma:

With one sick parent and three kids back in school, and oh yes, a job — and a husband — I’ve been pulled in a million different directions lately. And the bad thing is, being stretched so thin seems to benefit nobody.

Sometimes it’s nice to realize we aren’t alone, but I wish I had magic answers since I don’t know how to keep from feeling that way, either.

Post from: Blisstree

Sandwich Generation dilemma

There are six days left until five of us board an airplane that will take us two thousand miles away, and a few days after that, only four of us will return. Our sandwich is thinning, and the turmoil I’m feeling is barely describable.

“Packing” is a must read.

Post from: Blisstree

Changes to the sandwich

In the article, How to Make a Better Sandwich, author Jane Gross asks Jeannie Keenan, a registered nurse and case management expert how people can cope with having to make decisions between their kids and aging parents every day:

Ms. Keenan said that the biggest mistake adult children make in this situation is trying to segregate their dual responsibilities.

Their well-meaning goal is “they don’t want their children’s lives affected by what’s going on with their elderly parent,’’ she said. The result is a constant series of no-win choices like: “Do I go to my kid’s ballgame, or do I go and make sure Dad eats his dinner?” That is a formula for feeling you are failing everyone, Ms. Keenan said, and is also avoidable, by accepting that this is a family experience that must be shared, sometimes with the help of others in the community.

But, readers are responding that the notion of the “community” pitching in to help is outdated or even fictional. There’s just not people available to help out, they have their own kids and aging parents.

Additionally, the comments suggest that it’s time that older people adjust their expectations in regard to living at home vs. assisted living. Times have changed and people aren’t home and available like they used to be in days gone by.

When my mother was ill, she had friends who would come stay with her while my dad went to the store or to get something to eat. But, there wasn’t anyone who I could have asked to do the hard care, or to stay with her in the hospital after I had been there for nine nights in a row on several occasions.

I was/am lucky, however in that my parents have always said that assisted living is fine with them when the time comes.

They also assured me that even if they weren’t in their “right” minds and protested it, that I needed to know it was fine with them that I do whatever I need to about their living situations.

I hope to give my own children that same assurance.

Post from: Blisstree

Sandwich Generation dilemmas

“When you are told by your secretary that a nurse is on the line, do you try to guess if it is the school or the nurse in the cardiac care unit?”

The article by Roberta Benor reprinted there, “Food for the Sandwich Generation: the Meanings Behind the Bread You Choose”, published in the Washington Post in 1992, looks at life between elderly parents and children and how you cope with it all:

Just as in a deli, when you are asked what kind of bread you would like for your sandwich, you also can make the symbolic choice of what kind of bread you want to define the way you are able to handle your responsibilities in the sandwich generation.

Though it’s possible I’m just hungry and the talk of sandwiches attracted me, I thought it was an interesting way to look at things.

Read the rest at Nourishing Relationships.

Post from: Blisstree

The bread in our sandwich

I’m grateful for the help, but, this weekend there’s been a few moments that have been rather comical in terms of me being needed by everyone.

The kids have been particularly needy this weekend, probably a combination of their dad being gone, and, me somehow not providing the level of service to which they’ve become accustomed.

There was one glorious moment where all of them were calling out my name at the same time, my 5 year old needed someone to wipe his butt, the 11 year old needed help with homework, the 13 year old wanted money and the 83 year old couldn’t make the electric can opener work.

However, it was the dogs that nearly put me over the edge when they picked the same moment to, for no discernible reason, to start whining to come inside.

I suppose it beats not being needed.

Post from: Blisstree

I remain the Sandwich Generation Poster Child

The GK has to get home and doesn’t want to sleep on your couch because she has two boys at home alone, plus, she’s just plain wo’ out, but, she doesn’t mind at all seeing that you’re ok because you are her mother.

Many of us have been there, and, it rings true.

Go find out about her adventure with her mother, and, how Sista will do things a little differently when it’s her time.

Post from: Blisstree

A Sandwich Generation Moment

According to the story, mothers and daughters differ on parenting issues such as food and discipline,and, it concludes that both parties should try to understand the other, and, grandmothers should remember that the child in question isn’t their child.

Now, I’m pretty sure that these dilemmas aren’t unique to Baby Boomers and X-ers, after all, mothers and daughters have differed since the beginning of time, but, the comments in response to the article are interesting with many of them supporting the wisdom and experience of the older generation.

Post from: Blisstree

Mom and grandmom approach parenting differently?

The author tells it like it is from a “where the rubber meets the road” perspective.

Sometimes, you’re literally caught between your children, and, your parents, and, there’s nothing you can do.

I have two moments like that stand out in my mind:

The first was a time that my mother was in the hospital, I was there alone (don’t remember where the rest of my family was) with my then 2 year old, and, I walked in her room expecting to see her and my father.

When I came in, my dad wasn’t there, and, she told me that he had gone down to the ER for a nosebleed. He takes blood thinner, so, he’s had some significant problems with them before. One even got his blood pressure down to 30 one time. Yes, thirty.

She leaned toward the anxious in her final years, so, I had to go down to the ER to see what was going on. However, I couldn’t leave the 2 year old with her to go check on him, but, I couldn’t check on him in the ER with the 2 year old.

The other time was when my mother was actively dying, and, I had my youngest (then 4) in the room with me, and, my dad had stepped out. The rest of my family was out of town, and, the 4 year old had reached his limit of hanging around the hospice room.

I was literally holding my dying mother’s hand, and, the preschooler was pulling on me to go to the playroom at the very same time.

Now, that sound all dramatic, but, I actually chuckled to myself, because, at that point, I couldn’t have been a bigger stereotype if I had tried.

But, the first line of the article is the way I knew I could relate:

Initiation into this club usually begins with a phone call.

And, boy does it ever.

Though I didn’t know it at the time, my induction didn’t come with my mother, it was actually my father. He had a heart attack on a Nordic Track about 17 years ago, and, another one 8 months later while running wind sprints with the high school basketball team.

That began with a phone call, and, it was very unexpected, and, thus began my ever anxious relationship with the telephone.

Post from: Blisstree

Sandwich Generation musings

I had a quintessential Sandwich Generation experience at the beach one day.

I was out at the beach with my younger kids, and, my father.

The kids got in the ocean, which was OK, but, I need to be reasonably close by. They began to drift, as one tends to do in the ocean, so I followed them down the beach a bit.

I looked back in time to see my father up the beach (74 years old, fairly recent back surgery, and, not a real strong swimmer) pick up a very large inner tube, and, head out into the surf to sit in it.

You all know about my overdeveloped sense of responsibility by now, so, you can imagine the path I wore up and down the beach monitoring both parties.

Nothing relaxing about being at the shore that day, and, I had to laugh at my situation when I realized what I was doing.

Post from: Blisstree

My Inner Border Collie

I was worried since we have call waiting, and, there shouldn’t have been a busy signal.

I practically shoved my dad out of the car at the funeral, raced home to find the phone off the hook, and, my daughter quite fine (I was in and out so quickly, I don’t think she knew what hit her), and, raced back to the funeral with my dad.

Well, maybe you had to be there, but, for a few minutes I wasn’t either place I needed to be.

Post from: Blisstree

A Sandwich Generation Moment