From pages 32-33 in the 12&12;

“To clergymen, doctors, friends, and families, the loveaholic who means well and tries hard is a heartbreaking riddle. To most L.A.’s, he/she is not. There are too many of us who have been just like him/her, and have found the riddle’s answer. The answer has to do with the quality of faith rather than its quantity. This has been our blind spot. We supposed we had humility when we really hadn’t. We supposed we had been serious about religious practices when, upon honest appraisal, we found we had been only superficial. Or, going to the other extreme, we had wallowed in emotionalism and had mistaken it for true religious feeling. In both cases we had been asking something for nothing.”

Interested? Curious? Loveaholic?

“The fact was we really hadn’t cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession.”

Are you obsessed with another person?

“In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves, made amends to those we had harmed, or freely given to any other human being without any demand for reward.”

Think about this. Are you interested in helping a member of the opposite gender? Are you “all about” helping that person you so deeply care for? Why? Once you’ve done a bit of digging, do you find that you’re helping with the hope of having your help “returned?” Or, can you honestly say that you’re helping strictly for the welfare of the other person, expecting nothing in return?

“Few indeed are the practicing loveaholics who have any idea how irrational they are, or seeing their irrationality, can bear to face it. Some will be willing to term themselves ‘problem loveaholics,” but cannot endure the suggestion that they are in fact mentally ill.”

Co-Dependents Anonymous is a wonderful fellowship. They even have a program of recovery!

“They are abetted in this blindness by a world which does not understand the difference between sane loving and loveaholism. ‘Sanity’ is defined as ’soundness of mind.’ Yet no loveaholic, soberly analyzing his/her destructive behavior, whether the destruction fell on the dining-room furniture or his/her own moral fiber, can claim ’soundness of mind’ for him/herself.”

“God will restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to Him.”

Post from: Blisstree

The Loveaholic and Step Two

“Such gross misbehavior is not by any means a full catalogue of the harms we do. Let us think of some of the subtler ones which can sometimes be quite as damaging. Suppose that in our family lives we happen to be miserly, irresponsible, callous, or cold. Suppose that we are irritable, critical, impatient, and humorless. Suppose we lavish attention upon one member of the family and neglect the others.”

Through the years I’ve watched my share of alcoholics who’ve, unfortunately, allowed themselves to return to selfishness and self-centeredness. In quite a few instances these folks have shared in meetings in a manner that allows those listening to catch a glimpse of something being “off the beam.” An oldtimer noticed it in me once and said something to me about it. He told me that the majority of my sentences began with the word “I.” I was wrapped up in me!

“What happens when we try to dominate the whole family, either by a rule of iron or by a constant outpouring of minute directions for just how their lives should be lived from hour to hour? What happens when we wallow in depression, self-pity oozing from every pore, and inflict that upon those about us? Such a roster of harms done others — the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics difficult and often unbearable – - could be extended almost indefinitely.”

That is the manner in which these other folks also shared. Most of them accepted the thoughts of those who were there to help them through those moments, those who understood. Sadly, not all of them were open to receiving this help. Perhaps it was the way it was presented, I don’t know. That doesn’t matter.

I’ve learned through these years that I want to at least attempt to couch my thoughts, comments and suggestions in a manner that is the most receptive or motivates action within our Twelve Steps. I know without doubt that I’ll never be perfect at any of this but I still try. I try because a life is always worth saving if indeed that life is in jeopardy. I don’t know if it is in jeopardy unless I ask. So… I ask. And for the love of God I have no idea how this was misunderstood, but it was;

[Name deleted] – Are you really okay? I ask because there is something I noticed in this post today…

You began 9 of 13 sentences with “I.”

Wassup???

The misunderstanding wasn’t the problem. There was a personal “reaction” and that wasn’t the problem. There was a subsequent apology that was accepted gratefully. That certainly isn’t the problem. I want to walk away from this – yet I can’t yet. Why? Because there is a problem, for me.

I did what I did strictly out of concern for another person. There was no “agenda.” There was no bad motive. I had no ill intentions. Yet I’ve now been character assassinated, diminished and repeatedly criticized – wrongly! Those who’ve done this couldn’t have read this comment/question because if they had they’d no doubt have understood the reason behind it. They are just spouting off for the sake of spewing negativity on someone they don’t know to defend someone they think they do know.

And it hurts still. And I am allowing myself to react to this hurt with anger.

The paragraph I’ve quoted above ends with this;

“When we take such personality traits as these into shop, office, and the society of our fellows, they can do damage almost as extensive as that we have caused at home.”

The Internet can be understood as “the society of our fellows” imho. So your negative, name-calling, smart-assed comments have caused me harm. They hurt me when I was trying my best to find out whether someone needed help. You “holier-than-thous” ought to get the heck over your da** selves!

Post from: Blisstree

Subtler Misbehavior Quite As Damaging As Gross Misbehavior

A Spiritual Axiom

“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.”

In the body of the person’s response in the Daily Reflection they say this;

“Feelings come from inside, not from outward circumstances. When my spiritual condition is positive, I react positively.”

On page 90 in the 12&12, speaking about the spiritual axiom and anger, it says;

“Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well-nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger. As we saw it, our wrath was always justified. Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These emotional “dry benders” often led straight to the bottle. Other kinds of disturbances – jealousy, envy, self-pity, or hurt pride – did the same thing.”

Our poor “friend” Micky has, once again, resorted to lies and name-calling because he’s not getting his way. Now I am a coward and my father was (yeah, he’s dead fool) a murderer. And I won’t allow his comments to be read. Awww…

I now have over 130 screen shots of your spam which I am going to send to your ISP in Australia and Google, with a complaint that you are more than a spammer – you needlessly harass good people all over the Internet with your hateful name-calling and blog defacing. And I’m not sorry one bit!

Post from: Blisstree

Of Course It’s Not October 9th!

I didn’t see it, they did. And they told me. When they told me, it pi**ed me off. Then I became more defiant. Eventually, some mere mention of it would twist my gut into instant anger.

Had they also mentioned that I was defying God I think I might have really lost it. He was my last and only hope – but – He never delivered what I so desperately wanted, what I kept asking Him for.

I arrive in AA and within a very short time I learned that I had been defying Him. I still didn’t quite understand how but I had become open-minded to its possibilities.

Today I read page 31 in AA’s 12&12 and there is no confusion, no doubt, no misunderstanding. It’s clear as a bell.

“As psychiatrists have often observed, defiance is the outstanding characteristic of many an alcoholic. So it’s not strange that lots of us have had our day at defying God Himself. Sometimes it’s because God has not delivered us the good things of life which we specified, as a greedy child makes an impossible list for Santa Claus. More often, though, we had met up with some major calamity, and to our way of thinking lost out because God deserted us. The girl we wanted to marry had other notions; we prayed God that she’d change her mind, but she didn’t. We prayed for healthy children, and were presented with sick ones, or none at all. We prayed for promotions at business, and none came. Loved ones, upon whom we heartily depended, were taken from us by so-called acts of God. Then we became drunkards, and asked God to stop that. But nothing happened. That was the unkindest cut of all. ‘Damn this faith business!’ we said.”

Now, despite years of practicing “Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done,” I continue to live in my world where all, except being an active drunkard, remains a fact of my life. I struggle with this – a lot. Yet, there’s no alcohol on my breath.

What’s the difference from then to now?

Post from: Blisstree

Clearly Defiant

“Mysterious Paradoxes”

The Daily Reflection for Feb., 23rd.

“Such is the paradox of A.A. regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one’s old life as a condition for finding a new one.”

A.A. Comes Of Age, p. 46

“What glorious mysteries paradoxes are!”

Really? Not to a negative thinker… like I was.

“They do not compute, yet when recognized and accepted, they reaffirm something in the universe beyond human logic.”

Where’s Spock when I need him? Did you have a scientific, analytical mind like me?

“When I face a fear, I am given courage; when I support a brother or sister, my capacity to love myself is increased; when I accept pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into a new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power, I am graced with unseen strength.”

All of these stand in direct contradiction to my thinking when I was drinking. Can you identify?

“I stumbled through the doors of A.A. in disgrace, expecting nothing from life, and I have been given hope and dignity.”

I surely didn’t want “you” to look at me and think I was a disgrace sooooo – I looked good at my first meeting! Except many of “you” knew what was going on on the inside…

None of this is true today but all of it is simply an act of neglect away, for me, again. Therefore;

“Miraculously, the only way to keep the gifts of the program is to pass them on.”

Post from: Blisstree

They Do Not Compute

Guidance

“… this means a belief in a Creator who is all power, justice, and love; a God who intends for me a purpose, a meaning, and a destiny to grow, however … haltingly, toward His own likeness and image.”

As Bill Sees It, p.51

“As I began to understand my own powerlessness and my dependence on God, as I understand Him, I began to see that there was a life which, if I could have it, I would have chosen for myself from the beginning.”

This is in direct contradiction to the belief I had when I was drinking. There are still times when I struggle with these statements. For ex., I’d have never chosen the life I’m living now, in the beginning. Understanding that this sounds negative, let me say it is… quite a bit. There’s a huge difference today. I am enormously grateful for the life I am living! That is also in direct contradiction to the way I felt when I was drinking!

Do you think that might be why it says “however … haltingly?” I do

“It is through the continuing work of the Steps and the life in the Fellowship that I’ve learned to see that there is truly a better way into which I am being guided.”

Right there I find me in a world of impatience. How about you? “Time Takes Time.” Bleh…

“As I come to know more about God, I am able to trust His ways and His plans for the development of His character in me. Quickly or not so quickly, I grow toward His own image and likeness.”

When I was drinking, I thought He was there alright… only I swore continuously that His plans for me were not what I wanted for me and they pi**ed me off! Today, sober, I’ve never had it so good because, whether I like it or not, His plans for me are for my benefit, not for evil. I simply (?) have to be patient enough to let them unfold the way they’re meant to.

Post from: Blisstree

Unless I Had Come To Believe

This is from “The AA Group: Where It All Begins” pages 11 and 12;

Background for many topic meetings derives from A.A. literature, such as Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book), Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, As Bill Sees It, Daily Reflections, and from the A.A. Grapevine.

A few specific topic suggestions may include:

• attitude
• defects of character
• fear
• freedom through sobriety
• gratitude
• higher power
• honesty
• humility
• making amends
• resentments
• sponsorship
• surrender
• the tools of recovery
• tolerance
• willingness

Now, even I have gotten into a bad habit, one which I think needs to change now. The chairperson asks for a topic, anything on your mind affecting your sobriety, and the room stares in silence. I have allowed myself to be influenced because I’m part of this. Imho, this means that the disease is winning a small battle. Could be a larger battle and I haven’t perceived it that way, yet.

I was taught to tell on my disease, that we are only as sick as our darkest secrets. This isn’t helping you or I get better. This is keeping us in bondage to this animal…

There’s a whole list up there. If we don’t like what’s on it, surely with our advanced alcoholic minds, we can come up with something???

Oh, and, btw, if you don’t come up with a topic – it isn’t a requirement – however, you have therefore given up your right to bit** about what the topic was after the meeting!

Post from: Blisstree

Can’t Think Of A Topic?

Well – at least he read the Step

“In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves, made amends to those we had harmed, or freely given to any other human being without any demand for reward.”

Eventually I took stock to discover that I had worked on a “reward system” my whole life. With a foundation of expectations, hidden expectations, I was always ready to help – for a reason. And that reason was a reward. Material or emotional made no difference. “Look at me!” “Pay attention to me!” “Praise me!” “See me as worthy!” “Like me…” and so many others. All of which was so very fleeting, never lasting. And I didn’t really know that’s what I did until you folks taught me.

“We had not even prayed rightly. We had always said, ‘Grant me my wishes’ instead of ‘Thy will be done.” The love of God and man we understood not at all. Therefore we remained self-deceived, and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity.”

After you pointed it out to me, I understood. I had always placed those expectations on God to deliver to me what I wanted in my prayers and when He didn’t I went negative and lost faith, then became hostile and angry. That hostility and anger evolved into depression and the only thing that took all those painful feelings away, before AA, was alcohol – enough alcohol so I felt nothing.

Today, and for many years, during “those” times, I am grateful to feel the pain because it is necessary to my growth and the ability to help others – without reward…

Post from: Blisstree

I Suggested To My New Pigeon…

LET ME OUT!!!

A free man… a free child of His… and I will be forever grateful.

This picture was taken a “number” of years ago lol. You’d never know, unless you’re here, how well I clean up but I have.

Nope, don’t quite look like that anymore. Can you believe that, until recently, I was wearing some really nice Hart Schaffner and Marx suits to work? Miracles. God works miracles…

Oh, btw, I’m the one waaaaay in the back by the tree (haha). Oh, and this is St. Patrick’s Day, 2002 in Savannah. My best friend and I had gotten new ink the day before.

From page 28 in AA’s 12&12;

“Any number of A.A.’s can say to the drifter, “Yes, we were diverted from our childhood faith, too. The overconfidence of youth was too much for us. Of course, we were glad that good home and religious training had given us certain values. We were still sure that we ought to be fairly honest, tolerant, and just, and that we ought to be ambitious and hardworking. We became convinced that such simple rules of fair play and decency would be enough.”

Today is the second anniversary of the day I put down my last cigarette – yeah!

Post from: Blisstree

God Opened The Gates Of Hell

Once again, from Came to Believe;

Heard At Meetings

“Many people pray as though to overcome the will of a reluctant God, instead of taking hold of the willingness of a loving God.”

Wow – oh heck yeah…

“It is wise to pray for the future, but not to worry about it, because we can’t live it until it becomes the present. The depth of our anxiety measures the distance we are from God.”

And I was taught that if God seemed farther away, I ought to check who really moved.

“If we have the opportunity to help in some practical way when our loved ones or other people we are concerned about are in trouble – let’s do so. If there is no such opportunity, let’s pray for them and believe that, in so doing, we are helping to connect their minds to God’s influence. But let’s not expect same-day service. The important part is not to cancel pur prayers by later worrying. (There is a vast difference between being concerned and worrying.) Long-distance, unconditional faith is the best kind.”

Post from: Blisstree

Not To Cancel Our Prayers