I HATE my . . .

Did you hear the echo of women everywhere responding with the speed of light?

Fat legs, flabby stomach, beaky nose, round eyes, thin lips, bulgy cheeks, flat breasts and on and on.

Last night I was indulging in trashy television, which I allow myself to do when my daughter isn’t home to witness it. I flipped to Dr. 90210, the reality show on E where plastic surgery patients explain what they hate about themselves and how they intend to fix it through plastic surgery.

What’s interesting to me is that most of these women are perfectly fine. There is nothing grotesque or ugly about their noses or their breasts, but they simply can not feel good about themselves until they fix their perceived flaw.

Sometimes there are really valid reasons for them to seek the surgery. Such as the 20-something girl who courageously opted to have a double mastectomy (removal of all breast tissue). She had it when she was only 18-years-old because her mother, grandmother, aunts and even some male relatives had died from breast cancer. For her, it was the only way she could look at her life and see a future that didn’t include a battle with breast cancer. Tragically, her surgeon botched the job and she was attempting another surgery to correct the fact that he stitched her two breasts together and made them two different sizes.

Diametrically opposed was Tabitha Stevens, former porn-star, who is a self-proclaimed addict to plastic surgery. You know when you touch-up some paint in a room and all the sudden you notice that really, the whole room needs painting because fixing the flaw had the effect of drawing out other flaws? Obviously, she’s an extreme case where she has had virtually every part of her body restructured and her issues are way deeper than cosmetic.

I am not opposed to women seeking surgery if that’s what they want. It’s risky though, the surgeon on last night’s Dr. 90210 said half (50%) of his surgeries are fixing the mistakes made by other surgeons. That’s an alarming statistic. Has anyone seen Meg Ryan with her new lips? This is a woman whose career is built on her cute little pixie face and her darling girl-next-door smile and she got her lips done to look sultry (at least that’s what appears to be her intent). It is not a good thing. I can’t look at her without thinking, You should demand a refund! Not that her previously pretty lips would be restored with a refund.

My real concern is the collective low self-esteem women are suffering from. Standing in front of the mirror and picking apart every perceived flaw has leaked into the collective conscience of our entire gender. It’s even leaking onto men and boys. The other day I heard a teenage boy say he had gone to the doctor for his check-up and they had congratulated him on gaining 10 pounds, as if that were a good thing, he said. The basic understanding for kids today is that it’s not a good thing to gain 10 pounds, even if they are growing in height. This kid will surely gain 50 more pounds before he completes adolescence and it really should be a good thing.

My concern with plastic surgery is that once you get it – what if you’re still stuck with your low self-esteem? I have one friend who got a boob job and she doesn’t regret it. It’s a nice job and it makes her feel good to have great boobs. Yet years afterward she still felt unattractive, though she’s stunningly beautiful and fit.

I don’t believe this is the fault of men. I believe the responsibility for women’s low self-worth rests solely with women. I’ve talked to men and really they just like breasts – big or small, whatever. They don’t even really care if they are lopsided. In my experience men, in general, are open to women looking different or carrying extra weight. They don’t really give our bodies the critical examination we do. They don’t expect us to be perfect and I don’t think they understand our need to be perfect. Think back on your experiences with significant others who have seen you naked – you may have felt fat or ugly, but it wasn’t because he said you were. (And if he did, then you should find a more accepting significant other.) It’s likely that he tried to make sure you knew that he thought you were hot.

Think back to the last time you were with a group of women. Or pay attention the next time you hang out with chicks. It’s just a massive complaint-fest. Do you have the friend who works out religiously and still won’t be seen in a swim suit because her body isn’t perfect? Do you have the friend who hates her curly hair or straight hair? Do you have the friend who can’t stand her thighs? Do you have the friend who constantly complains about her nose?

Of course you do. We all have those friends or those family members. And we look at their perceived flaw and think, really there’s nothing particularly wrong with your nose. They are looking at you and your perceived flaw in the same light.

I think the constant complaining is the source, or at least a major source, of our collective low self-esteem. When I am in a room full of women I listen to all the complaining and it tends to get more and more extreme – like a one-up-man-ship of who has the biggest flaw.

Oh you think you’re breasts are bad, mine have to be rolled into the bra after breastfeeding four kids!

At least you can fit into a size 6; I’m having trouble squeezing into the extra, extra large girdle!

There is no way I am wearing a swimsuit, I want to save everyone the embarrassment of having to look away!

It’s unhealthy! It’s funny, but I think the cost of saying bad things about your self is feelingbad about yourself. Who has time for that?

I truly believe we can change our collective low self-esteem by not indulging in self-criticism to get laughs. This really came home for me when my five-year-old daughter, Ainsley, started calling her perfectly-normal thighs fat. I realized when I started trying to lose weight after baby #2 and getting dangerously close to the dreaded 200 lbs mark that I had let my mouth run wild with self-loathing. I didn’t really feel all that terrible about my body until I started yammering on about how much pure fat I was losing by going to the gym. The more laughs I got from my hilarious descriptions about losing an inch of fat from my neck the more extreme my self-criticism became.

Obviously my incentive to stop this behavior was the fact that it was leaking into my daughter’s own body image. But, I think the same principle applies to our collective self-loathing.

I made a rule in our house that we don’t criticize our bodies. If we say something unkind about ourselves we have to write something good about ourselves and put it in a little box. It really wasn’t that difficult to stop the habit. I started trying to say something nice about myself, even where other women can hear me, where I run the risk of appearing stuck-up or conceited. The actual feelings about my self are becoming more positive as a result.

When another woman makes a self-loathing comment about herself I either simply don’t respond or I’ll say something like, I don’t have time to hate myself these days. It puts them off guard, but it stops the I’m uglier than you are war.

I’ll go first and say some nice things about myself.

I’m down to a size 12, and I don’t mean an Old Navy stretch 12, hurray for me! I’m feeling so curvy and voluptuous and healthy!

My hair transformed from straight to curly after my pregnancies. Hey, I spent the entire ‘80s trying to perm my hair to look just like this!

See how that’s different than what I would’ve said before:

I’m still a freaking huge size 12!

No one told me that my hair was going to get so freaking kinky and frizzy after I had kids.

Over the next month make an effort to try to change what you say about your body and I guarantee you will feel a lot better about it. I mean, really there are very few unfortunate people who are actually ugly and chances are you’re not one of them. If enough of us change the way we feel about ourselves it will inevitably leak into our collective conciousness.

Post from: Blisstree

I Hate My . . .

Yesterday we talked about Hillary’s big social crime, which is to play men’s games by men’s rules rather than to attempt to play them with feminine roles.

I was reading Leslie Bennett’s FEMININE MISTAKE, THE: ARE WE GIVING UP TOO MUCH? last night and she made a point applicable to Hillary.

“Conveying their strengths and attainments to others is so far from the expected female style of self-effacement that women experience it as ‘bragging’ – in other words, socially unacceptable boastfulness. . . For middle-class American women, the constraint is clear: talking about your own accomplishments in a ways that calls attention to yourself is not acceptable . . . Girls are supposed to be ‘humble’ – not try to take the spotlight, emphasize the ways they are just like everyone else, and de-emphasize the ways they are special.”

One of Hillary’s big sins against the feminine ideal is that she doesn’t self-deprecate.

Women aren’t supposed to like themselves. Notice this the next time you get together with your girls. See who, if anyone, says something good about themselves.

As an experiment I’ve been saying good things about myself when around other women – it’s usually met with a pregnant pause.

Last month at my book club a friend was very delicately telling me I need better photos on my blog and should really invest in a good camera.

I realize that, I told her. I’m an excellent photographer. I’ve won awards for photography and it’s embarrassing for me to put so-so or crappy pictures up. But, I’m a camera snob – I want one that will let me use my creative skills with a zoom lens and I’m not going to settle for the $100 piece of crap we can afford to buy right now.

Pregnant pause.

What did I do? I complimented myself without shame. Women don’t know what to do with that because what I’m supposed to say, by social contract, is that I’m such a loser, a mediocre photographer, too lazy or maybe I should take a class.

I get a similar reaction when I compliment my own breasts instead of one-uping another woman’s dislike of her own thighs.

What does Hillary do? She says she’s the best – not only better than all the other women, but she says, boldly and in public, that’s she’s better than even the best man up there.

I’m excellent at foreign-policy. I’ve got the best healthcare plan. I can balance the budget better than he can. I am the best person for the job. I’m the most qualified candidate.

With self-deprecation as our national feminine pass-time where women call themselves “loser mom” for a simple mistake and not meeting up to an ideal of perfection, where one can’t speak to other women without telling each other how imperfect and fallible they are, Hillary’s confidence breaks all the rules.

Watching some women criticize Hillary is like a flashback to mean girl drama of the the 7th grade, “You’re so conceited!”

I hope she wins. If only, so she can show us how to grow a self esteem.

Image source: Newscom.com

Post from: Blisstree

Hillary’s “Feminine Ideal” Sin

I guess they have prerecorded two weeks of The View, which is a little odd as I watch Rosie and Elisabeth celebrate Elisabeth’s 30th birthday.

I’m disappointed Rosie left. I don’t really know what to think about it. I checked out the Q&A on Rosie.com and she’s basically saying she felt that the producers created the blow up for ratings. They were so ready for it that they did that “split screen” thing while they argued.  Also that she felt betrayed friendshipwise by Elisabeth.

She was just so angry I guess she quit. Then some of her less mature friends vandalized some pictures of Elisabeth in the studio. Uh, what is this freaking Junior High School and we’ve let the mean girls run rampant?

 (Bizarro side note: I’m watching the DVR of this morning’s show and Rosie just told Elisabeth that she and her little family get to spend an entire week free at her Miami home for a vacation. Hope she already took that week! Cause I don’t think that’s happening at this point.)

I will say this – I like Rosie, I’m disappointed she didn’t sign on for another year and I’m disappointed she quit after the argument. I think she was wrong to call Elisabeth a coward and imply she was too stupid to hold two thoughts at once. But, I think she got angry, because she’s super-passionate about the war) and unfortunately it was on national television. I can totally see myself doing that (passionately losing it) and then waking up in horror the next morning wishing I could pretend it never happened.

I don’t dislike Elisabeth. I disagree with her completely on most issues, but then I live in the Bible Belt of East Texas, so I’m used to being surrounded by Elisabeths. I’ve found they are generally very nice and good people and if you avoid talking about these issues you can be quite good friends with them. But, you know it’s a talk show, they are hired to talk about the issues and Barbara Walters had always envisioned a show where very different women with different views would discuss the issues. Mission Accomplished.

But, Elisabeth constantly annoys the crap out of me. For one thing does she have to look so much like Barbi? Don’t take this as jealousy, maybe a little bit – who wouldn’t want to have all the physical blessings Elisabeth has? 

But, she says really bull#$%& stuff, like on Monday’s show where she said she throws sand in Tim’s eyes when she stands up at the beach so he won’t see her body. I find it really very irritating when thin, fit women say stuff like that. She has a perfect body and I frankly believe she is aware of the perfection of her body. It should not be a hobby to complain about your perfect body. I mean, thin little Elisabeth sitting between Joy and Rosie complaining about being seen in a swimsuit.  It’s insulting.

Shut up stick.

That’s what I would never say, but think about saying to thin beautiful women who complain about their appearance. Can’t pretty girls have a freaking self esteem? How are we chubby women ever supposed to feel good about our own bodies if the perfect, thin healthy women can’t manage to appreciate it and feel good about it?

This is why young girls are getting so screwed up with the eating disorders and self-hatred. They see thin, perfect Elisabeth dissatisfied with perfection. The View should institute a Self-Loathing Sin Bank, like the one I have at home. My daughter and I have to pay a fine if we criticize ourselves. Elisabeth should have to pay $100 every time she says something about how unattractive or insecure about her body she is. (This rule should not apply to Joy however, because she has legitimate issues and her self-criticism is for comedic value and we can all relate to it, as she does not look like Barbi.)

Anyway, Cheers Rosie. I, for one, hope to see you on the air somewhere.

Post from: Blisstree

Rosie Quit, Elisabeth Stays