Image: Flickr applescruff

If you and an ex have decided that you want to try dating again, I want to recommend some important ideas to think about.  I can’t tell if you if getting back together is a good or bad decision, but I can tell you to think about and discuss these topics very seriously to avoid putting yourself in another painful situation.

• Remember why you broke up. It might sound obvious, but think about what caused you to break up and figure out if you have solved any of the serious issues.  Couple who still love each other break up because there is an unresolvable situation that keeps them from moving forward together.  If the situation is still unresolved, that is a serious problem.

• Loving each other is not enough.  A brief break-up and then jumping back into a relationship usually occurs because the two involved miss each other and don’t want to deal with the pain of separating.  Two people can be madly in love and miss each other every second they are apart, but still be unable to make a relationship work.  Love is important (obviously) but it’s not everything.  Make sure you address the other issues that exist in your relationship.

• It’s extremely difficult, but okay, to be alone.  Don’t let yourself fall back into a failed relationship because you don’t like being alone.  We all know that life is MUCH harder when you are out there on your own without a loving partner to come home to every night, but being alone is healthy and strengthening.  I have to admit that I have fallen into this trap many times and I only wish that I would have taken the time to notice it before the situation got out of control.

• You might not meet someone else right away.  Don’t go back to an old boyfriend because you “couldn’t find anyone else.”  There are a million fish in the sea and it takes a long time to sort through all of the fish.  Also, if you just got out of this relationship then you probably weren’t in a position to properly evaluate your new prospects.

• Be honest with yourself about your decision. Get in touch with your insecurities and your desires and try to figure out the real reason why you’re getting back together.  It might be extremely hard to figure this out when you’re so deep in the situation, so talk to the people in your life who know and love you and ask for their honest opinions.

I am definitely not saying that getting back together with a serious boyfriend of the past is an impossible situation, but I am saying that it is tricky and it’s good to be aware of potential problems before they occur.  Breaking up with someone you love is extremely hard the first time, and could be even more difficult the second time.  Take care of yourself by being careful not to put yourself in a situation that could cause more pain than long term happiness.

Post from: Blisstree

How To Be Smart When Getting Back Together

I was just reading Michelle’s article “Can You Be Friends With an Ex?” that addresses similar issues.  Everyone imagines a perfect scenario where they break up and their ex becomes their best friend and everyone lives happily ever after.  I think this idea should be completely abandoned because it is not a perfect scenario and I have never seen it achieved.  If you have loved and lost with someone, why would you want them in your life even at a friendship level?

I believe that keeping an ex in your life can be a precarious situation and if you do not have logistical reasons for maintaining contact (sharing children, splitting assets, working together, etc.) then a clean break is probably the best option.  I have heard women say “We broke up but we’re trying to be friends” so many times and I am here to tell you that it never really works.  (Readers…please comment if you disagree!)

Ask yourself these questions seriously and honestly before deciding to keep an ex in your life:

• Do I feel bad about breaking up with him? Am I trying to keep him in my life because he is sad and cutting him off would hurt him even more? (THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT!)

• Do I feel bad about him breaking up with me? Am I trying to keep him in my life because I think that a friendship could someday lead to getting back together?

• Do I want him in my life because I miss having him as my boyfriend?

• Do I want to still lean on him and talk go him about my personal problems in my life because we were close and could rely on each other when we were together?

• Is he pushing me into being friends?  Was it his idea to keep talking and hanging out?

• When we talk and spend time together, does it feel like we’re still together?

• Am I comfortable keeping him in my life only until I find a new love interest?  When I start dating someone else, will I cut him out?

• Is our friendship preventing him from dating new people?

It might seem like a lot of questions and you probably don’t want to find yourself answering “yes” to any of these because it will lead you towards the truth about cutting your ex out of your life, but please be honest with yourself so you can make the right decision for both of you.  Lying to yourself about the truth of your lingering relationship will only end up hurting both of you and delaying your ability to move forward.

I know that it is so so hard to say goodbye to someone completely and accept that their role in your life is over, but more oftentimes than not it is the right decision.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

How to Know When To Cut Him Out Completely

Here are some simple questions to ask each other to determine your level of compatibility related to sharing space:

• Do you want a TV in the bedroom?
• Do you ever want to get a pet?
• Do you have a strong feeling about interior design decisions?
• Where do you like to skimp and splurge on furniture and household financial decisions?
• Do you like to paint interior walls or hang art on the walls?
• What purchases do you think we should split?
• Will you be having friends/family stay with us?
• Do you do your own laundry and how often?
• What should we do if there is an issue with the apartment?
• What TV programs do you need to watch?
• Do you save everything or do you feel comfortable throwing things away (pack rat vs. spring cleaning)?
• What is your early morning routine? (coffee, exercise, shower, etc.)
• What is your late night routine? (reading, quiet time, bath, etc.)
• How clean do you like to keep the apartment?
• How will we split household chores? (cleaning, garbage, dishes, etc.)
• Do you use any fragrances (perfume, cologne, candles, air freshener)?
• Do you allow people to wear shoes indoors?

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Questions To Ask Before Moving In Together

Here are a few questions to discuss with your significant other before you take the plunge:

• Are we doing this because of financial reasons?  This is the biggest mistake that you could make!  Cheaper rent is NOT a reason to move in together.

• Do either of us feel pressured?  Think about who brought up the issue of living together.  Make sure that the other person is just as comfortable with the idea and isn’t being persuaded.  It’s not something that you want to push someone to do before they are ready.

• Have we ever dealt with sharing money?  Moving in together doesn’t just mean that you get to spend more time together…it also means that you have to introduce money issues into your relationship.  Who will pay for what?  What will you share?  Does one of you want to spend much more than the other?

• Do you want to have independent space?  Think about arranging your apartment in a way that allows for you to have privacy.  Sharing all of your space all of the time might be difficult and it could be beneficial to your relationship to create separate spaces for things like desks.

• How will you keep romance in the relationship?  A relationship changes a lot when you taking out the garbage and cleaning the bathroom instead of going out to parties together.  Discuss ways like “date night” where you can make some of your time together special.

• What are your plans for the future of the relationship?  When everything is going well in a relationship you really hate to bring that topic up.  A lot of times it can cause stress and awkwardness if you don’t feel the same way.  But you have to realize that a lot of people see moving in together as one small step before engagement/marriage…so make sure you understand what moving in together means to the other person.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Are You Ready To Move In Together?

If you have been in a serious relationship for a long time you probably think that it is moving towards engagement and marriage.  As the years tick by on your relationship calendar and you take significant steps forward (like moving in together, meeting each other’s families, taking vacations together, and adopting pets) you naturally just develop feelings towards lifelong commitment.

The common problem that I have been noticing is the feeling of waiting.  Due to stereotypes about the male “inability to commit” women find themselves suppressing their feelings of wanting to get married.  They fear that even bringing up the issue will push their man away and they will lose the relationship completely.  What does this mean for a relationship?

It means that there is unaddressed tension between the man and woman because they are not discussing their future in an open way and they are not being honest about their inentions with one another.

In this situation I think women should just put it all out in the open.  If they completely intend to marry their boyfriend, they should let him know.  Obviously don’t jump to this step too soon, but it is important to be honest so you don’t find yourself waiting for something that will never happen.

If you find that you have a definite feeling of “waiting” in your relationship, then do something about it!  Stop waiting for him to make a decision about your future together.  Don’t be too intense about it, but do have a talk. It may be the scariest thing in the world to imagine your boyfriend telling you that he never wants to marry you, but if that is the absolute truth then you need to find out and start moving on.

But in many cases you will be happy to find that it’s the opposite…guys just need a little push sometimes.  They need you to put that idea in their head and help them to realize that the time has come to make movements towards the next step.  It won’t be a quick or easy conversation that wraps up everything in a bow, but you shouldn’t keep waiting…you should start the communication now.

Being on the same page is extremely important in a relationship and finding out what your individual plans are for your future is a good way to make sure your lives are going in a healthy direction.

Image: sxc

Post from: Blisstree

Are You Waiting For Him To Make Decisions?

Here are some tips for succeeding when meeting the in-laws for the first time:

• Be polite. This is your chance to use all of the tools that your parents taught you when you were growing up.  You might have thought it was annoying that they made you stick to so many rules, but this is the moment where they want you to shine.  Don’t interrupt, don’t talk with your mouth full, don’t dress inappropriately, don’t track mud into the house, etc., etc…
• Get out of your comfort zone and try new things. Families have grown up together doing the same things, but you have grown up under completely different circumstances.  It is probable that your in-laws have entirely different traditions and practices than you do, but get out of your comfort zone and try something new.  It might not be what you are used to, but it’s part of your significant other’s life so it’s important to give it a shot.  Don’t go over the top and sacrifice what you stand for most, but do push the limits for new experiences…you just might like it!
• Try to relax. It might be near impossible under these circumstances, but the only way to show your true personality is to feel relaxed.  Don’t act as you would around your peers, but do let your beautiful character shine.
• Show them how much you care. More than anything, deep down the family of your significant other wants to know that you care about your girlfriend/boyfriend as much as they do.  They want to know that you love them for who they are and help them to be the best person they can be.  Try to relax and show your love for each other without PDA (public display of affection).
• Don’t worry about judgments. Success in meeting your in-laws is achieved when you feel that you have showed them who you are and how much you care for their family member that you are dating.  Success is not when the family “approves” of you and deems you worthy of their son or daughter. If you focus too much on what they think of you then you will lose yourself.  Focus on the idea that you want to be able to walk away from the time spent together and know that you put your best self forward.
• Be positive.  The situation is stressful.  That is a fact.  If you keep a positive attitude then everything around you will just function more smoothly.  A lot of times families have their own tensions and issues already, so be a positive influence in whatever way that you can.  Be a support to your significant other because the situation is probably harder on them than it is on you.

Unfortunately first impressions are very important.  It is not the most important thing to let your in-laws “know who you are” within the time span of your first meeting.  Make a good first impression by finding a balance between letting your true personality shine and making accomodations to mix in well with their environment.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

How to Succeed When Meeting the In-Laws

Some will claim that one cannot actually be certain about that esp if the relationship is in the early stages. Some will claim that couple will eventually discover between themselves that marriage is the next step.

But here’s the thing. If you’re an onlooker, can you tell if she’s the girl he would marry? How can you tell if a girl is just someone that this guy is dating, exclusively or not, and not someone he’s looking into spending the rest of his life with.

Are there qualities in a woman that can spell out “just for dating” or “ready for marriage”?

Personally, I’ve heard guy friends tell me that I’m not the sort that guys should fool around with. I’m the marriage sort, someone that should be taken seriously. Before proceeding to lambaste my foolishness and gullible personality, that is. They’re rough so I have to be tough. Pah.

Anyway, this caused me to wonder if there is such a classification. I’m especially curious to find out what guys think about this theory. Thoughts?

Post from: Blisstree

Date Me, Marry Me. Which one are you?

Gah.

It’s stressful. You’ll find yourself torn between being yourself and making a move to impress the folks.

It’s bad enough that you have to get used to an expectant public, meeting his or her friends, him or her meeting yours and then it’ll be time to mingle with the family.

How to deal

• Make yourself presentable.
• Don’t be afraid to speak up.
• There’s no harm in being polite and courteous.
• Let them know that he or she IS special to you.
• Smiling works, too.
• And yea, BREATHE.

It’s the basics that really matter. It’ll definitely see you through it.

Thoughts?

Post from: Blisstree

Meeting the Family