It occurred to me that if my daughters are not comfortable asking me for what they need, then that might become a behavioral pattern.  If it becomes a part of who they are, then when they are involved in a romantic relationship, they may be unable to communicate effectively with their partner.  Teaching them to communicate well, that’s a part of parenting that I need to work on because it’s important, but it does get pushed to the side in the busyness of day-to-day activity. 

I love my boyfriend, but I am not communicating well with him right now.  He’s been staying with us for a week now and tomorrow he’s heading back up to Oregon.  I haven’t seen a lot of him – he’s been working on a project with his dad in the next town.  He comes home for dinner and for sleeping.  We went on a date Saturday night and he did smile at me a lot, but he didn’t say very much. 

Last night he mentioned returning to school, which I think is a great idea.  I’ve been wondering what his plans are, but I’ve not felt comfortable asking what he is going to do next.  Maybe I’ll just wait it out and see. When he feels like he has something to say, he will do so. In the meantime, I am quiet and beginning to stew inside because I wonder why everything with him has to be on HIS terms.  I do not want this for my girls. I do not want them to feel unbalanced and resentful because they love someone who does not value sharing. 

Sometimes I wish he was the same guy I loved when we were teenagers, because I could talk to that kid about anything. Of course, I am not as uncomplicated as I was back then either and I’m sure I frusturate him, as well. Hhmm,  a little conversation might fix that right up……………. grr right back to square one again. 

I want the girls to feel on equal footing with their partners.  I want them to feel like they can say anything without fear. I wish that my boyfriend would find a way to open up again. He was able to do it before, in the first 6 months of our relationship.  For much of the past year, he’s been having financial troubles (like everybody else).  I know this. I try to back off, to be patient. I know that much of this could be temporary, but what if it’s not?  What if the good stuff in the beginning was just wooing and not who he really is? 

If things do not work out between the two of us, I would like to think that he will eventually be able to fit well with someone else. I feel that I’ve learned a lot in this relationship, but sometimes I feel that he’s still holding onto past behavior that could sabotage his romantic future. If something does not work, you’ve got to figure out what the problem is and then fix it. It’s not always the easy thing to do, not what we look forward to, but it’s a necessary part of human interaction. 

Tonight I’m going to let him know that he can talk to me about anything. That if he has ideas, I’m a pretty good sounding board.  He’s at a point where anything could happen in his life. Maybe he’s afraid to talk about the possibilities?  He may have no idea that I am feeling frustrated, because I’m keeping that to myself.  I need to work on better communication, as well.

How are your communication skills?  Are you comfortable talking to your partner or do you tend to hold back?  Any good communication advice you’d like to share?  

Post from: Blisstree

Talk, Talk, Talk

Kate Hudson Moves On…Quickly

After the quick read, I can’t help but wonder if it’s true. Will you truly think about a former “failed” relationship after you end your current one? Thinking that this time it will work? Curious thought.

Though I’m a firm believer in second chances, I do draw the line on what will be a healthy move. Changes may have happened, a rekindled passion with the familiar may be comforting but I still consider the unresolved issues — issues that can haunt the couple. Will you truly find yourself in the right sort of relationship?

Another thing that struck me in the article is the mention of the bit about having kids or being a single mom as a way to weed out boys from the men. Wouldn’t it be awesome to be able to do that? I’m no single mum, though. I need to find another way to do that. Suggestions, anyone?

But, yea. Two things worth thinking about: rekindling past relationships and boy weeding. Hehe.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter.

Post from: Blisstree

Kate Hudson Moves On Quick

I have worn many hats and worked many jobs – all of which I’ve given 110 percent with references to prove it.  Up and until about four years ago, I believed being a single mother was thee hardest job on the planet.  Indeed it was – until I made the decision to blend families by getting married.

The man I married is a wonderful man – when he’s wonderful.  When times are tough, they truly are the toughest – the kind that makes you want to just snap, pack up a bag of clothes, grab your kids and leave – even to the point of leaving all your worldly possessions behind – just to grab the opportunity to get out, drive and never look back.

When you blend families, regardless of how much you think you love your partner, there will come a time where you feel in the deepest parts of your soul that the relationship is not 50/50 – while I’m a firm believer in both partners giving 100% – 50/50 is what most men seem to think is adequate contribution.

I will admit there are more days then not, where I resent the hell out of my situation.  I sometimes resent the fact that my husband has bipolar disorder, not that he would ever choose to have it, just sometimes – the selfish me resents it.  And even more, that he HAS an excuse not to work full time, not to take responsibility for his own children.  While the resentment doesn’t stay continuous, it is a frequent visitor that disrupts my ability to think clearly.

I’m faced with providing 100% for two children who are not mine when I don’t even provide 100% for the children who are mine.  For years my kids did not receive child support, but now they are – and have been for a couple of years.  It’s that fact that makes me resent, hate, despise and want to flee my current existence.

What scares me even more is what the courts might say if I try to leave.  Will they say that I have to provide for a man who won’t/can’t work full time?  Will they say that I have to give more blood, sweat and tears to a marriage I’ve supported entirely for nearly 5 years?

I’ve struggled for nearly 11 years to provide for my own children – to create an income that could provide for us quite nicely and now I’m afraid that I will be faced with the order to continue to support a family that is not mine – a man I once loved more then life – I still love him and care about him – but I don’t recognize him any longer.

And for the record, I take REAL issue with anyone who would bring children into this world and not bend over backwards and walk through fire to provide for their own.  I did it.  I know it’s tough – but I also know it CAN be done.

When we got married he worked two jobs.  I believed this was a man who shared the same work ethics as I – one who would never take more then he gave.  A month after we married – my world began to crumble.  He injured his back and has not worked since.  I know his situation is tough – I believe I could handle it better if I had only him to support and while I love and adore his children, they are not mine. 

I signed on to be the bonus parent – not the actual parent providing for two children who have two able bodied parents.

Before you go agreeing to blend families – think!  Consider a long term relationship until the kids are grown – consider all the what if’s and by all means protect your own personal property from having to be split if things don’t work out.

Now, feel free to tell me what YOU think about blending families and responsibilities!

Post from: Blisstree

Second Marriages and a Bag Full of Turmoil

What is it about that piece of paper that gives people enough sense of security that they let the important things go?

I’ve always believed “What it takes to get me is what it takes to keep me.”  I believe deep down, everyone feels much the same. However, when you get married, it seems the little things start to go first – and we all know that it’s those “little things” that mean the most.

The little things like a note left on the bathroom mirror that appears when the bathroom steams up.

The little things like taking out the trash, doing a load of laundry or dishes, running the vacuum – all for no reason at all and entirely out of the blue.

When those little things begin to go, the bigger things begin to spin out of control and disappear as if they never existed in the first place.

The bigger things like a Jay. Oh. Bee. – I’ve seen SO many relationships fail because one person becomes lazy.  My brother went through that recently and to be honest, it pissed me off!

I watched closely as a woman who had been single for a few years got my brother to agree to take in her EX’s son – along with she and her daughter and then her entire mental health took a nose dive.  Suddenly she would go camping with my brother and the kids, have a panic attack and have to leave him and the kids to go home to her own bed where she felt safe.

If you have a mental problem or are prone to mental illness, don’t you kind of know that before going into a relationship?  Isn’t it only fair to warn the other person?

In my current marriage, I married a man who was a workaholic – a man who had two jobs – a man who was pleasant to be around.  After going through an intense custody battle to get his children, he began to suffer from mental illness, quit his job and has relied on me to provide for he and his children for nearly 3 years.

Once responsibility and self pride go out the window, it’s hard to maintain the attraction that was there to begin with – it’s difficult to be attracted to a stranger who is nothing like the person you married!

While I am married and my marriage is on extreme shaky ground, I do have to say if this marriage fails, I will never again agree to enter into the sacred union that allows people to change in such a drastic way. 

The more I think about it, the more I have to wonder just who the twisted eff was who came up with marriage vows.  In hindsight it seems like it’s been a conspiracy from the beginning – to allow the “smarter” person in the couple the right of passage to become a lazy ass and let the sucker take care of them.

Post from: Blisstree

Does Marriage Ruin Many Relationships?

Here’s a few helpful tips from CNN:

• If you are going through a divorce, tell the person you are dating pronto. Don’t beat around the bush, and don’t say you are already divorced if you are still in the process of it.

• More personal information, such as why the marriage failed and the nature of your relationship with your ex, should be saved for a later date when the two of you are more comfortable with each other.

• Don’t go into too much detail. Focus on what you learned and how it made you a better person.

• Be neutral when speaking about your past partner. If you criticize your ex, you risk sounding petty and emotionally involved. If you heap on praise, you sound as though you still have romantic feelings for your ex.

• Know what you want out of the relationship and what you’re capable of. “Be honest with yourself first, then with potential partners,” Hartman says.

What are your thoughts? When you do begin to open up?

For me, it always seemed that I would get the goods out of the way, right away – I didn’t want to waste my time if the dude was going to run anyway. So why not cut to the chase, get it over with and then get on to the fun stuff?

Tags: dating, relationships

Post from: Blisstree

Dating after divorce: When to reveal your past

What about the single dad falling for the single teacher?

We’ve all heard the suggestions from friends of meeting other singles at the supermarket in the fresh produce section – but we tend to overlook the obvious places to meet other single parents.

Here’s a list of places you might just meet other single parents who are looking to date just like you…

• Sporting events – there’s bound to be other single parents with kids playing or even single parents coaching.
• School functions – attend all the school functions you can. PTO meetings, parents night, field trips, etc.
• Local parks – Single parents are always looking for things to do with their kids on visitation weekend. You just never know what might be lurking on the other side of that monkey bars or swing set.
• Shopping with the kids – take the kids to stores that are geared toward kids. Toys, music, etc. Again, parents are always looking for things to do with the kids and this is a great indoor activity on bad weather weekends.

What are some other places where single parents might be hanging out?

Tags: dating, single parents

Post from: Blisstree

Cupid Kids and The Single Parent

One of my favorites to visit is AskMen.com. Ladies, if you haven’t visited AskMen yet, you might want to. There’s a lot to be learned from the informational articles they share.

While combing through one this morning, a certain phrase caught my attention:

When you tell someone you love them, you’re actually giving them permission to hurt you. If you’re a single parent you’re giving that person permission to hurt both you and your children.

What a terrible way to look at love.

Like Sasha stated in her earlier post on the topic of “Saying I Love You,” I think far too many people have become so immune to the words and are either guilty of using them too loosely or having been the victim of someone who has.

Is that the way much of the world sees the most endearing phrase of all time?

I can’t imagine losing sight of hope and love to view it as permission to pain.

Tags: dating, single parent, relationships

Post from: Blisstree

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