I look like a pretty nice, normal person don’t I? With that Mac I look competent. Some people have even confused me as someone who is technologically savvy because I have a website, a Mac and a camera.

When learning new technological skills – a new computer program or application or trying to navigate a new website or plug-in, then why do I get so irrationally frustrated?

My head starts to feel pressure, my neck gets stiff and tense, my arms and hands feel pulled like rubber-bands, my blood pressure goes up, I stop breathing and begin holding my breath.

For the first few minutes I try this and that – oh, I can figure this out, I think.

I look at the help and know it will be no help to me because the same Geeks who invented the program also wrote the help file – HIRE an ungeek to write the help files! I want to scream in your face.

By now I’m just angry and beyond frustrated. I feel like smoke may come out my eye sockets. There’s pressure between my temples and I have to remind myself to breath. I’m grinding my teeth and my jaw hurts a little. I feel like my chest is stretched taunt like a rubber band that might break. It’s quite similar to the feeling I had all the time when quitting smoking.

It’s me or you all this angry must be directed at. I choose you – I don’t care if its fair. Out of pure self-preservation and the awareness that I have to hang out with me for the rest of the day – I choose nameless, faceless Geeks as the subject of my fury. I fantasize about kicking geek ass. Yeah, I want to smash your face in for making this program too difficult for me to understand or making too many hoops for me to jump through – yeah, I’m talking to YOU – guy who thought adding a symbol, a number, and a capitol letter to passwords would be a good idea. I HATE THAT IDEA! I have no capacity for remembering it. At least write “password has a symbol, a capitol, and a number” next to the password blank when I return. Is that too much to ask?

I start cursing in my head. stupid bleeping, bleeping thing, what’s wrong with those bleeping, bleep bleep geek-bleep, bleep, bleep bleep, BLEEP!

Who I am? What have I become over downloading a photo into the proper file or blacking out a word?

Worse than anything is when I feel like I DO know how to do something – or at least I DID know how to do something but, for some reason some geek thought they should “update” a program. You know I’m actually looking for an out-dated version of Photoshop because I won’t have to relearn the whole freaking program – which I’ve already done quite enough times already. You impress other geeks, but it not me. I want it to be the way it was when I knew how to use it. I don’t want to keep relearning the same thing over and over again. I applaud your ingenious ingenuity and inventiveness Geeks, but only AFTER I know how to use it. Until then you are my evil nemesis!

So I salute you for ruling the world Geeks. But, I have these self-imposed deadlines for myself and I missed mine today because I couldn’t figure out how to black out a name. It’s such a simple thing – but I wasted too much precious time trying to figure it out. I had to call my husband and email the file to him and ask him to send it back.

I LOATH asking for his help. I take the smirk and the roll of the eyes that says, “geez, it’s not that hard” personally.

I know this about myself and still, every time I am a little surprised by my own reaction, a little shocked at how furious and frustrated I am over what should be something simple.

It’s like when the really fit woman at my gym complains when we do something new – she likes to be good at things, she doesn’t like learning them and feeling incompetent.

Same here. I like technology – after I learn it and when it makes me feel smart and accomplished – but not when it makes me feel like a simple failure.

Please tell me I’m not the only one experiencing this technological frustration.

A smart and emotionally mature person, and I like to think of myself as a smart and emotionally mature person, walks away until she calms down and can have more patience with her inadequacies.

Off to have some liver-cleansing hot tea and a biscotti. I may have to do some yoga before I try again.

Post from: Blisstree

Technology and Emotional Maturity

We went on a marriage retreat with a ropes course this weekend.

One of the challenges was to climb to the top of a telephone pole, stand on a platform at the top and then jump to a trapeze bar parallel to the pole, pretty far away. There’s a rope harness to keep you from falling to the ground.

I went first. I’m doing this. I can do anything. I am safe. I am brave. I’m going to jump. I’m doing this. I carried on an internal dialogue all the way up.

I wasn’t nervous till I got to the very top and it was time to stand up on the platform. You have to look down to place your feet properly. Then it’s pure fear.

I don’t want to do this anymore, I said out loud.

You’re right there, just stand up and jump, my husband, Jeremy shouted.

I stood up and realized how far that trapeze bar was. I was pure adrenaline.

Nothing is going to stop me. I have nothing to lose by failing. If I jump I succeed.

Then I jumped screaming and it was exhilarating.

Every single cell in my body was vibrating on this really alive-in-this-moment, yet surreal, frequency. I couldn’t stop laughing from my core.

Jeremy went up next and realized the bar was farther than it looked. He decided not to aim for the bar and just to jump. He jumped, but his heart wasn’t invested in reaching the trapeze.

That’s OK. It’s illustrative of our different approaches to issues that come up in our marriage.

I get emotionally invested and I’ll find a way to create a success out of it. “If I jump it’s success, as opposed to if I miss the trapeze I fail. Since it’s unlikely that I’ll be able to grab that pole there is nothing to lose by trying.” My motto is, “If I fail I fail, but at least I gave it a shot.”

Conversely, Jeremy felt the same futility in reaching the trapeze therefore, he was OK with simply jumping. He felt he still accomplished what he set out to do by climbing the pole and jumping.

Post from: Blisstree

Stand up and Jump!

My husband and I went on a marriage retreat this weekend. We had participated in a marriage education program in our area called Vow.

The most fascinating exercise, for me, was the human knot. We got in a circle, grabbed two strangers’ hands across from us, and had to unknot ourselves without letting go of either hand.

Here’s how it plays out:

I hold back and assess the situation waiting for someone to step up as a leader. Maybe there’s an engineer in the crowd or someone who works complicated brain puzzles in their spare time.

No one steps up and I ask a few questions of our instructors. Is this absolutely possible? Yes. Is this a riddle about letting go? No. Will we end up in our same positions at the end? No, you’ll be next to whoever’s hand your holding.

I see how I can go up, over and under a bunch of people’s hands and end up in a different place. I go for it. I ask the person behind me to follow.

Now I can’t see the end. I am unsure of my outcome. I’m completely ready to try any and all ideas. Look down at your own hands and see if you can get a strategy to end up next to the person who’s hand your holding I tell them. I work myself and the two people on either side of me out of the chain.

Someone announces I should be the leader. I’ll do it, I say, but I’m turned to the outside and can’t see anyone’s hands anymore. I ask them to be the eyes.

My husband says, I have an idea.

Jeremy has an idea and he’s really smart, we should listen to him, I say.

His idea works for a while, at the opposite end of the chain. He drops it. One of the stronger men, says he can see how he can get several people moved to the outside. He takes over. I defer.

I realize his idea can only work if me and my end of the chain go through the knot again. Someone has to sacrifice their freedom for the good of the whole and I’m willing. I have no proof that my direction is better. He says he can see it and I believe him.

He gets stuck. We’ve reversed directions several times. It’s obvious that every time we reverse directions we get retied tighter into the knot. We have to stick with one plan.

Finally after an hour they tell us they can’t let us go on.

Failure. “No leader” they explain. You can’t have two chiefs in a marriage, you have to have an Indian. She was elected the leader, the man I deferred to says. Says the man who took over the leading, I say. Everyone laughs because it’s so obviously true.

I can immediately see in his marriage that he often tells his wife she can lead, but then he won’t let her. The mixed message of “you’re the leader” while leading probably causes lots of problems.

And in my marriage?

Jeremy’s smart, we should listen to him, I defer regularly.

Why didn’t you step up to lead? I asked him.

I didn’t care enough. I didn’t think the outcome would have been worth the effort, he says.

I realize it’s a crucial mistake to defer to someone who doesn’t care enough and this is our pattern.

Do you think it’s true there can only be one leader in a marriage? I ask while we’re playing Put Put later.

Maybe there can only be one leader for a project and you have to pick the person who is strongest in that area, he says.

Wouldn’t you agree that I’m the one best suited to be the leader in our finances, I venture.

I don’t want to talk about this now, I just want to have fun, he says.

I defer.

I’m a natural leader. But a good leader doesn’t defer the second someone else has an idea.

I can’t wait to take that leadership training Women Rule in New York City so I can learn how to both not defer and keep the peace.

Image: Ohio Camp Quest

Post from: Blisstree

Human Knot