You may have read about a prominent Dutch diplomat and his wife who “returned” their Korean daughter, whom they adopted when she was four months old. They handed the girl over to social workers in Hong Kong saying the adoption had not worked out.

In a statement published by Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf, Raymond Poeteray — a Hong Kong-based Consul — said his daughter was “very sick,” and suffers from a “severe form of fear of emotional attachment.”

The child currently lives in a separate house, (the Hong Kong Foster system) and the entire family is in therapy.

“We tried intensive family therapy to find a cure. To our great disappointment, things didn’t get better, they got worse and the rest of the family began to suffer immensely from that,” he wrote in a letter signed by him and his wife, Meta.

“In mid-2006, on the advice of known medical specialists, professionals from the adoption organization ‘Mother’s Choice’ and the social services of Hong Kong, it was decided that in (her) interest she should be placed in a separate house and we would not be allowed to have any contact with her. The therapy for our family and our daughter continues to this day.”

I have heard of several children who have found new homes after they have been adopted from countries like Russia. I have mixed feelings about disruptions because I know that sometimes parents are doing the right thing for their children when they find the right home for them.

I have a friend who recently dissolved her relationship with her daughter, adopted from Russia two years ago. In my heart I know that it was the right choice for her, her family, and her daughter. Often, children have such special needs that can not be met in particular homes.

Is it not better to find the right home than to allow the child to suffer in the wrong one?

The mixed feelings come from parents like the Poeteray’s. Are they telling the truth when they say that their daughter was ill and unattached? Or is the an issue wherein the mother is unattached? Has a nanny cared for the child more than the mother? Did they adopt her to fill a void and not because they wanted a child? Did they ever really claim her as their child?

They seem to blame her for the dissolution but how much effort did they put into the relationship before they realized they were in trouble?

Post from: Blisstree

Disruption and Dissolution

Birth parents have the opportunity to chose the families their children are placed with forever. But writing that letter can be one of the most difficult things a husband and wife ever does.

What should go into that letter?

Well, a good letter not only describes who you are as a couple but reassures the birth parents that their child will be loved and have opportunities. We just finished our photo book (email me if you want to view it) and placed pictures of places we have traveled, what AJ experiences, the care he gets for his special needs, how we celebrate holidays and events, and who we visit and see on a daily basis. Those types of things I believe should be included in the letter.

Be empathetic. Allow the birthparents to know that you know how difficult this decision is for them.

Make sure you let the birthparents know that you care about them, not just the child, as you will have a relationship with them. Domestic adoptions are typically open adoptions now, in some way or another (from letters and pictures to visits).

The more you tell about yourself the more they will feel comfortable with you. However, there is a fine line between telling about accomplishments and bragging and talking about who you are and what your family life is like.

Make sure to also include an adoption father’s perspective in the letter. “It helps to show his interest in the birth mom and her child, and helps her feel more secure knowing that he, a man, respects her and is proud of her decision. If the husband writes the letter (and also signs his name first), it may help the birth mother feel more confident about his future role in the child’s life. This is often the very thing that she is not able to provide.”

Here is a great outline to help get you started.

Post from: Blisstree

How to Write a Birth Parent Letter