“Can I tell Paul?”

Usually people will laugh and say, “Of course you can tell Paul. I kind of expected that you would.”

Image: stock.xchng

But occasionally the person I am talking to will shake their head and be firm about not wanting anyone, even Paul, to know. I can’t stand that tug and pull between my friend and my spouse, who I very much do not keep secrets from.

It would be so much easier if during the wedding ceremony and in the thank you cards, we all reminded our loved ones that this person we live with and hang out with all the time – yeah, we’re going to tell him/her everything. Expect that if you tell me, he will know within the next 1-3 hours. If I think he won’t really care, I might save this new information for when we’re brushing our teeth. But if it’s something he will find equally as juicy, I’m probably calling him on my way home.

Now, just because I can’t keep a secret, that does’t mean we both can’t. We’re a team, a pair, a couple of people who share everything with one another. So really, my friends and family should be thanking me and Paul for having each other…that way the temptation to tell someone is out of our systems and safely left between the two of us.

Post from: Blisstree

Do You And Your Spouse Have Secrets?

The debate continues.  Can a man and a woman just be friends?  Many say that they can.  I tend to agree with Billy Crystal, in When Harry Met Sally.

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail ‘em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

In our modern society men and women often spend more time with the people they work with than their spouses.  Conversations begin,  confidences are shared, and pretty soon you find that you are more emotionally intimate with the guy (or woman) in the next office than you are your spouse.

He seems to understand you, to listen to what you have to say, to find you interesting and fascinating…

Or, maybe it is just an online thing.  You are on a chat board or forum and you begin bantering back and forth with someone.  It leads to emails.   Pretty soon you are sharing problems and sympathizing with eachother.  You realize there is some sort of connection there, but afterall, you aren’t really doing anything…a little harmless flirtation never hurt anyone right?

Maybe you even laughingly call it your little cyber-affair.  It doesn’t count because it isn’t in the real world.

Wrong.

Everything we do begins in our mind.  It begins as a thought.  And…an emotional affair can bring as much pain into a marriage as a physical one.  After all, it is the thought that counts.

Spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex is like walking on the edge of the cliff.  If you stumble you are gonna fall.

AOL got me thinking about this when I happened to read Decoding the Emotional Affair .  Gauge your relationships against the questions in the article and see where you are at.  But be honest.

I remembered a close friend I had all the way through high school. He was usually dating someone, and I was usually dating someone..and we never really got together romantically.  We were just friends.  We spent time together.  Maybe he was off when I was but our boyfriend/girlfriend was working or busy.  We would hang out..go to the lake, hang at his house (his mom loved me) or my house (my mom loved him).  If we didn’t have anything to do we might get a little physical because, well,  it didn’t mean anything ..we were just friends.

He helped em through breakups I helped him through breakups..I even dated his brother for a little bit.

When Marc and I got married I introduced the two of them…and it became very apparent  that my friendship was going to interfere with my marriage.  Not because Marc is the jealous type..I wish he was a bit more jealous to be honest with you…but because I could feel a bit of emotional confusion within myself, and my friend made it clear to me that he felt the same.

Sometimes I miss my friend, although it is nearly 30 years later. But that friendship was not worth my marriage, nor any of his relationships.  We would not have made it as a couple and I never regretted my decision to pull back.

Our new poll is simple… For October…can a man and a woman, especially those in committed relationships to other people, ever safely be friends?

Image:Morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

But We Didn’t DO Anything….the Emotional Affair