Just quickly to let you know that Marye & I are talking and working on things. She is tenacious, we had a long talk in a parked van on Saturday. She figured she had a captive audience.

We had our first Christian Counseling session yesterday and a coffee date afterward. Even after the counseling we are still on speaking terms. Nothing new, just the groundwork and our objectives.

Marye and I are committed to one another. That has not changed. It won’t change. As y’all know from reading our posts over the past eight months, we are committed and we are real.

Does that Make us Real Committed?

We have agreed to make progress and set small attainable goals for each of us to start off with. I am sure with the counselor there will be assignments and other goals to come.

So we are on this path, to travel to infinity & beyond, together.

Post from: Blisstree

As Were Were… to Where We Will Go.

I was driving back from dropping the older two boys off to mountain bike this morning and passed a sign at a car dealership.  I almost had to stop the car so  could read it a couple of times.

What did it say?

“Credit Challenged? We can get  you into a new car!”

I guess I am getting old but I can remember when a challenge was something outside your control that you had to overcome.  I have had some challenges in my lifetime.  Boot camp was a challenge for me.  Algebra was a challenge for me.  Learning to cook was a challenge for me.  But when I messed up and made a mistake? That was not a challenge.  That was….you may need to sit down…get ready…when I messed up it was called…personal failure.

Personal failures, screw ups and mistakes were the things that caused me to take a hard look at my life and change.  They weren’t challenges.  And if your credit is a mess that is a personal failure on your part, not a challenge.  It might even be sin….

We all mess up.  I have had messed up credit.  I have made pitifully poor choices.  I have had to apologize and go on, vowing to do better and actually making the changes that would allow me to do better. Wow.  Concept?

When Marc and I got married I could not cook.  I spent a lot of time when he was gone cooking things and throwing them out.  I would begin dinner as soon as he left the house so I could have something edible when he got home.

Now I am a decent cook.  I am a food writer. I can make impossible things like risotto, laminated pastry dough, and chocolate terrine.  I was challenged.  I met it with determination. I worked hard. I overcame.

Now I am not cooking challenged anymore. But you know what? People come to Baking Delights.  They change a recipe because they didn’t have an ingredient, or they try a recipe with a technique they don’t understand, or something happens and it doesn’t work out.  Guess what happens then?  90 percent of the time I will get a nasty comment about what a lousy cook I am, how I don’t know what I am doing, or how I messed up the recipe.  According to them they are the victims of my stupidity.

In the past 24hours I have found out that two of my children, we will call them child green and child orange have each had a similar personal failure recently.  Child green had to be confronted,  with evidence, and even then child green denied what it had done.  In fact child green denied the personal failure until I told it that I knew without a shadow of a doubt what it had done.  And then child green made excuses.

Child orange came to me and told me of it’s personal failure.  Confessing, apologizing, and offering ideas as to how it could make changes in the future.

Which child is the more trustworthy? Which is more responsible?

I have a few things that put me over the edge.  One of the big ones is when someone, male or female, wont “man up” and accept responsibility for personal failure and then make changes to ensure that it is unlikely to happen again.  I despise lying.  Excuses disgust me.

I don’t understand why we have become a society that does not fail, that has no fault, and that is merely challenged rather than morally corrupt.

Yes, I do see things in black and white.  Things are right or wrong.  I have been known to drive 20 minutes back to a store because the cashier gave me 50 cents too much in change or failed to charge me for something.  Why? It is the right thing to do.

If you have had a personal failure in your life of any sort you will not ever get around it by making excuses for it or calling it a challenge or ignoring it.  You have to look at the thing for what it is, eye to eye, until it disgusts you so much that you don’t ever want to be associated with it  again.

Be in control of your life.  Be in control of yourself.  If you are doing something that is wrong and it is only mildly bothering you then I promise you are not seeing it for what it is.  There is someone else in your same situation that is doing the right thing.

If you are having an affair because your spouse is not meeting your needs in some way..you are not challenged. You are in the midst of a personal failure (and sin).

If you are lying on your tax return, or not paying taxes that are due for what ever reason then you are in a personal failure.

If you have bad credit it is not challenged.  It is bad.  You need to change your thinking and your lifestyle.

Change requires action.  If car dealerships want to offer easy credit to people who are credit challenged then they have become co-dependent.  They are enabling people with issues to continue on in those issues without consequences.

Our country is co-dependent.  The easy mortgage terms for credit challenged people is one of the big things that caused the economic collapse that we are feeling now.  You can blame it on a president, any president,  if you want but you might as well just take a real look at it.  The citizens of the US like to live in luxury whether they can afford it or not.  Then they want someone else to pay for it.

The bailouts? Stupid.  Eventually someone is going to have to take responsibility, man up, and work through the economy to get back on track, hopefully wiser about spending than before.  I doubt it but there ya go.

I know, kind of ranty and lots of rabbit trails…but this is such an important character trait that it has an effect on every single thing you do. No matter what has gone on up until this point you still have the choice between the right thing and the wrong thing.

Personal failure is not a challenge.  We are living in a time of economic and moral collapse and it is our own faults.

Whether you are male or female….man up and change.

image:sxc

Post from: Blisstree

Are You “Challenged”?

Do you have something in common with your mate? Besides kids, house, and bills, I mean.  Do you have something that you enjoy doing together?

I keep reading that it is important to have something in common with the person you are going to marry or are married to.

I am not sure that activity wise Marc and I have a whole lot in common.  I think we are willing to do things that the other person enjoys, or we were at one time, but for the most part at this point we really don’t have any hobbies or activities that we both enjoy.

Marc likes to be active, he always has.  He played softball, hockey, tennis, volley ball, skied…

The only activities I ever liked (besides sex) were ice skating, horseback riding, and hiking/camping.  I used to love to ride cross country bikes but that was well before Marc.

But the things that we liked to do seemed to get lost in the everyday.

See, the thing was, when he went skating…someone had to sit with the kids.  And when he played hockey, someone had to sit with the kids.  And when he played volley ball someone had to keep an eye on the kids… when I mentioned getting bikes in the early 80s, he wasn’t interested.  And, although I have jumped from a plane at a high altitude, skiing scares the beejeebies out of me.

Camping is something that I always enjoyed but Marc wasn’t interested in for the first 16 years of our marriage.  Then I planned the coolest trip through Arkansas and he fell in love with camping….and I lost interest in it.  Why?

Because I planned the trips and dried the food and packed the supplies.  And I think too, I wanted/expected more romance and Marc was focused on untangling the kids fishing lines.

We had to give our horses away last summer.  It was difficult but necessary due to finances and the fact that our property floods regularly now due to over building  and poor planning in our area.  This is the first time since 1971 that a horse is not a part of my life in some way.

In my spare time I like to work on the house.  I suppose I see our house in much the same way as someone who loves old cars might see working on a 78 Trans Am or a 69 Dodge Charger.  The stenciling, the detailing, the research for historic accuracy…these things are not work for me..they are a joy.

I like to paint, I like to craft, I like art museums, foreign films, antiquing, making pottery (it has been eons!)..I like working in the garden, swimming, and photography.

Most of Marc stuff is active and most of my stuff is solitary.  Not a great combo.

Thing is, when Marc got caught up in trying to, you know, make a living to support a family the size of Rhode Island, I got caught up in being a great mom and a great homemaker.

And we both lost something.  Ourselves.

I didn’t always act the way Marc thought a good corporate wife should…I adapted.

Marc didn’t always act the way I thought a solid Christian man should…he adapted.

We almost adapted ourselves into divorce court.

Now we sort of have to pull our real selves out of the back of the closet and dust us off.  I think that we have to fall in love over again, not with the clones that we have created but the original us.  Hopefully all of the chemistry will bubble again.

Not that we don’t love each other but the passion, freshness, and romance that was us is in storage.  Our lives are very predictable, and vanilla.  I have never been a vanilla person, I thrive on the unexpected and the extreme…as long as it is predictable.

And therein lies one of my biggest issues.  Everything about me is opposite.  I love excitement and unpredictable romance but I want it to be scheduled.  And not cost too much.

Logically illogical.

So, I am starting a list of things I used to enjoy.  I will try them as I have time and see what still fits and what doesn’t.

What about you?

Is it time to take a look at what you are evolving into and decide whether you like it or not? Is it time to find a common interest and pursue it?

Maybe the coolest thing to do for Valentines Day would be to do something off the wall that neither of you had ever done but both had thought of doing.  Add some adrenalin.  If you marriage is anything like mine, it needs it.

image: Sue r b for SXC

Post from: Blisstree

What Do You Have in Common?

The uncontrollable thing might be a spouse, a stress, an illness, a situation, a parent…whatever.  There is that one thing that seems to thumb its nose in our faces everytime things look like they are coming into some sort of order.

And then hurt rushes in.

I don;t know how you handle hurt in your life.  Personally, as a Christian I have an undeniable trust in Jesus Christ.  Now, maybe some people call their trust unshakable but I have pretty much found that I shake pretty easily.  But after the shaking part the undeniable truth is that my trust in God remains.

But hurt? Ouch.  Even trusting that God is going to make it all o.k. eventually sometimes doesn’t take that hurt away and I have to trudge through  it and find out why I am hurting and what I need to do to experience healing.

Hurt always signifies a wound somewhere.  Emotional, physical, spiritual, it really doesn’t matter.  Hurt means that there is something that is wounded and needs time to heal.

Here is the funny thing.  We blame our spouses for our hurt much of the time when in all actuality the blow was dealt to us long before they came along.  They may tear the scab off but most of the time they didn’t create the original problem.

I have issues with trust, abandonment, and rejection.  None of those things are Marc’s fault yet he ocassionally pulls the scabs off.  And then the whole tsunami wave of my hurt that has been carefully covered up pours out like it is a wound that is festered and infected…which technically speaking it is. And in the process BOTH of us get messy.

Now, Marc doesn’t deserve to get the complete backlash from all of that hurt.  He may deserve the backlash of what he actually did…everything has consequences.  But to blindly blame him for what I have not dealt with is unfair.

The only person who can understand your hurt is you.  And you are the only one that can open up those wounds in a healthy way so that they can be healed and put in the past where they belong.  If you won’t acknowledge that they are there, or that they could be there, and start poking around looking for them…well, then you are going to constantly be acting contrary to what you want.

I used to be controlled by the fear that I was going to make a mistake, do something “bad” and be abandoned.  Even within the last few months I have dealt with that.  I kept praying about it and asking that the core of it be revealed and finally it was.  When that scap rolled back I thought I was going to die. It hurt.  But I did not have to take it out on Marc, and I did not have to take it out on my kids…I just let all of the nasties run out in my solitary tears.  I knew that the person who had caused that hurt did not mean to, and I knew that my family did not deserve the backlash.

And now, I really am not afraid of messing up and being left.

I am not perfect but I am learning to deal with my issues in a mature manner.

Hurt can be loud and scary or it can be silent and seemingly emotionless.  It is not something to be afraid of or to ignore but it is a gauge that tells you that there is a problem that needs your attention.  The only people who don’t feel pain are dead;physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Learn to release your hurt and personal anguish in a positive manner.  Journaling, prayer, painting…music…all of these are ways of expressing feelings that sometimes there are no words for.  Don’t push it down, cover it up, or take it out on others.

Learn to identify hurt, take ownership of it and be responsible for it.  And then learn to give it up.  No matter how unfair life has been it is time to get over it and move on…and not take your past into your present.

image:sxc

Post from: Blisstree

How Do You Hurt?

To those of you who are our age and empty-nesters this will be funny, but if you still have young children under the roof there are times you do not care if they cry or how loud or how long.  I had one of those times last night.

I got home from work and after some relaxation I went upstairs to lay down and go to bed when I find it full already.  Marye has her laptop in with her and she is surrounded by Kyrie, Nick and Sean in the bed.  I retreated back to the office and turned on the computer and proceeded to doze off in my wheelchair with my Skiing Magazine throw covering me.

At some point after I started snoozing, Nick came downstairs and told me he was going to bed in his bed and my spot was there for me.  I reluctantly got up from my comfortable snoozing place and trod upstairs to finish my sleep.   Our youngest Kyrie was still in the bed,wide awake I might add, and Marye was still on the computer.  I rolled into bed and got into my 14 inch wide strip of the mattress.  I didn’t even have pillows.  So I grabbed the nearly 40 year old turtle shaped pillow my grandmother made for me as a kid and laid it under my head.

I don’t know how many times I woke up during the night with feet, knees, fists or other tiny body parts trying to painfully force me out of my own bed.  I wanted to scream “I want my bed back now!!!”  I know I could have gotten up and carried my little princess to her bed.  But I wasn’t getting out of my bed at this point and risk her waking up and taking up more of the bed.  So after the alarm went off the first time this morning I found aches & pains I didn’t invite into my bed last night.  But these weren’t my cute, little kid pains. These were physical pains from my trying to hold myself from falling out of bed all night pains.

I should have done something but I didn’t.

Tonight it’s just you & me, kid.

image:morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

Recapturing My Territory

I always have to be extremely careful what I say in my first sentence.  Why? Simple…because the first hundred or so characters will show up on Facebook and there are kids that are linked to me on Facebook..including my own!

How sexy do you feel? Right now, right this minute.  If you were a fictional character which one would you be?

How we see ourselves as women has a huge impact on our ability to enjoy sex.  Whether this sounds sexist or not, woman were created to enjoy being admired and desired.  NOT on a magazine cover… but by thier husbands.  Whether you want to agree or not, one of the basic need of a woman is to be cherished and desired.  That comes before achievemnet in any other area.

===========o

==0  ==============0 Ha..missed me with that tomato.  =========0   ====0

Some men seem to be naturally good at knowing what to say and how to say it. Some are not.  I know many women who are not who they really could be because their husbands are unable to convey to them that they are cherished and desired.

My spiritual Mom, who is also my pastor’s wife, conveys to all that she is cherished and desired.  She glows.  You just know if you said something unkind to her her husband (who also happens to be the pastor) would flatten you.  She is a brilliant, independent, beautiful woman….but her husband takes very good care of her.  She has always driven nice cars, worn nice clothing, and had the look of someone who was… O.k..parden the analogy here but this is the only way I can say it…She is a lap dog while other women are hunting dogs, or guard dogs or whatever.   She is cherished and taken care of.She is secure in who she is..I think she has been allowed to feel that she is the perfect match for him in every way.

When women are secure they are free to be sensual.  They have to know that they are the top pick for their husband, that there isn’t be anyone else that he finds more attractive….This would include men gawking at Sports Illustrated Models and Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.

Sensuality and sexuality, for most women, grows in the safety of a secure relationship that loves her for who and what she is.  And this is where the problem often comes in.

Many women feel that since their libidos don’t match thier husband’s  that they are not loved for who they are… Too many people look at their low libido and say,”This is how I was made”.

Sorry..I don’t buy that. That, too me, is like an anorexic saying “I was made this way, I just don’t enjoy food”.

Let’s call it sexual suppression. These are the problems that i have identified..I am sure there are more.

• Hurt
• Bitterness
• Unforgiveness
• Cultural ideas that should be let go
• Resentment
• Depression
• Anger
• Stress
• Poor Health
• Poor nutrition
• Ignorance
• Fear
• Unwillingness to change

I can put on my Mrs. Santa Outfit, thigh high patent leather stilletto boots, and walk into the office and if Marc chooses not to respond there is nothing I can do about it.  If he chooses to respond, but feels awkward or afraid because of things in his past then we can work together to find a solution as long as he is open and honest.  In o ther words, rather than asking yourself “why should I?” Begin to ask yourself “Why SHOULDN’T I?”

In the first scenario I leave the room crying because I feel awkward and ugly..he has recreated his own inhibitions in me…in the second scenario he might find that I have recreated some of my sensuality in him.

While he finds my sexuality overwhelming…I find his lack of it demeaning.   And that is the challenge that we work around 24/7.  We are in a particularly difficult bit right now.

My point is that as long as your see your low libido as normal and o.k. then you won;t get past it. It won’t be until you want something more enough to change that it will, in fact, change….not overnight, but over time.

People with low libidos tend not to be risk takers, they tend to like ruts and comfort and predictability.

People can die from predictability.

Decide who you want to be and work on believing that you are that person.  Sexy, self assured, delightfully unique…

Find words to describe who you want to be..and write them down. read them…pray about them…become them… and face those inner things that you need to face.  If your relationship with your spouse is stunted every other thing you do will be affected you will never be the person you have the potential to be.  Don;t mistake a habit for a character trait.  Don;t mistake an inhibition or fear for human chemical structure.

Image: Morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

Stalking the Elusive “O” Part Four

I think there will be only one more post (after this) in this series, at least for now.  I hope that it has given you something to think about and been helpful in some way.

One of the major differences I have noticed in women that orgasm easily and those who don’t is that those who do think about sex more than those who don’t.  This could have something to do with hormone levels or it could just be habit…But I believe that it is a habit that can be established.

I tend to think of something sexual several times an hour..Marc tends not to think of sexual things at all.  At least that is my perception.  He told me and our counselor that he does not have fantasies and I assume that is still the case.  What I have found is that thinking of sex keeps me simmering…and I see no reason to change that.

I am very visual..there are certain things Marc can wear that will send me into a fantasy.  But even when he is not here I am likely to fall into a fantasy about him, a memory of a particularly good time with him, or something.  Generally, this mental moment will bring on a low simmer to the libido.  If I continue the thoughts very long the low simmer turns to a boil.

Since this happens several times during the day it is very rare that Marc could approach me and I would say no.  While women may truly be crockpots and men may truly be microwaves, in my case I have learned that keeping the crockpot on simmer makes things a whole lot easier.  I see myself primarily as Marc’s playmate..not as his wife.

I have suggested to other women who have difficulty in this area that thye change thier view of themselves.  I know how hard this can be.  Because of verbal abuse in my past I see myself as a failure and not very good at much of anything,  it takes a lot of self talk to get me past that sometimes.  So, don’t say “I can’t” because if I can anyone can!

My suggestion is that you attempt to create a fantasy or remember a special moment at least once a day…when those thoughts (about you husband) come to your mind don’t push them away so you can concentrate on the grocery list…stop for a moment and entertain the thoughts…allow yourself to be sensual.  If you are Christian ask the Lord to give you intense desire for your spouse..and if you have had difficulty in reaching orgasm pray about that to, after all God created you, He created sex, He said it was good.  He isn’t the one holding you back.

By changing our thought patterns we change our lives.  (The Bible tells us many times to dwell on the positive things).  Try something you haven’t tried before, instead of asking “why?” ask “why not?”

Seeking your own orgasm and intense pleasure (under normal circumstances) will not make you selfish..on the contrary it will make you a  generous lover.  Look at it this way, people who really really enjoy cooking are exceptionally good at cooking…people who really really enjoy skiing are exceptionally good at it…people who really really enjoy sex generally are willing to try different things, experiment and seek to make it the best it can be for both partners.  Caveat….if you are a guy who prefers the wham-bam method you need to do just the opposite.  You need to learn to seek your partners ecstasy first.  Then yours.

If one spouse is not enthusiastic about sex, even if they are “giving it up” regularly, it is not going to be everything it can for either of them.  Having sex with someone who is only mildly interested is not much different from masturbation.  It leaves you feeling rather empty.  Nearly everyone wants to be intensely desired.

As you think and pray about some of the suggestions here, and as you implement them into your life, try to change the way that you think about your spouse and about sex.  If what you are doing isn’t working…then change it.  There is no excuse for boring, predictable sex except selfishness and laziness, whether you are male or female.

Often, when it comes right down to it, lack of orgasm is a control issue.  There may be resentments, or distrust or something that makes you, deep inside, want to remain in control.  Face it, in order to have an orgasm you must relinquish control of your body.

Keep communicating, keep experimenting, keep trying.

image:morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

Stalking the Elusive O Part 3

Unless you live in Massachusetts, Connecticut or California ( if Prop. 8 passes the general election on November 4th) marriage is a union/ contract/ Covenant between one man, one woman, and God.  That is how God ordained marriage in His Word.

Nowadays in the United States marriage and the traditional family are under attack.  I wonder if it will take another Sodom & Gomorrah situation to bring out the truth?  And before the accusations begin, I am not attacking homosexuality, I am not inciting hate or anything else.

I believe God’s word.  I believe it was inspired by the Holy Spirit (God again).  I believe those who wrote the original text, in Hebrew or Greek were inspired by that same Holy Spirit.

God’s word says homosexuality is sin.  He destroyed two cities because of the sin and depravity.

Again no hate from me….just the facts.   As a matter of fact, Jesus instructed us to love the sinner and hate the sin.  I have no hatred of anyone.

Now, back to my regularly scheduled post.

It seems to me that marriage and family are having enough trouble nowadays just because we are human.

More and more marriages have gotten away from the interest of the family coming first.  Couples have become frayed because of self interest rather than serving and  blessing their spouse.  Many seem to want to live like they did before they were married.

Perhaps they have lost interest in their wife and want to trade her in for a newer model.     You can  look at our media and television shows to see how they have culturally changed the image of the traditional marriage and the family.   But…marriage is still marriage.

Maybe not the best in some cases, but marriage it is.

Marriage was and is not intended to be for people of the same sex.  For centuries it has been between  a man and a woman and they were to raise their children.  This brings up the fact that in a marriage a couple may re-create life.  In a same sex relationship it does not work that way.  Let’s face it, the parts don’t fit.  God’s first command/ instruction to Adam & Eve was to “Be fruitful and multiply.”

If the issue of same sex marriage is on the agenda in your state, defend marriage as it has been correctly defined since man and woman were created.

I am thankful the laws in Texas were defended in the courts years ago.  I am sorry that  my home state has begun allowing same sex marriages, not through legislation as it should, but by circumventing the proper route through a judges decision.  The Courts role is not to make the law but interpret the law, based in the Constitution.

Call same sex unions what you may. But it is not marriage.

Image:Morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

Marriage:One Man/One Woman

Tony Woodlief began a series August 26 called the Transactional Marriage.  he has three  parts done so far.

I don’t even know where to start with this except to say that I whole heartedly disagree. Sometimes things can sound very spiritual without being necessarily biblical.

Now, y’all have figured out by now that I am a pretty radical Christian, right? Good.

Anyway, I disagree because I think he is missing the point…His basic premise, over and over again is that women should not have to be good in bed.  They shouldn’t worry about whether or not they have  a good technique..and if your wife is not sharing her body with you, guys, then you just need to suck it up and put on your big boy underoos.Take a cold shower first.

He believes that the end all, beat all is not, should not be, whether you have sex or not..and then he says..”I don’t think a wife should concern herself at all with whether she is good in bed. The very concept is pagan. Nowhere in the Bible will you find a woman after God’s heart being instructed to improve her technique.”

Ooops. I disagree with that. Has he never read Esther?

Tony, Tony, Tony…exactly what do you think Esther was learning in the Harem all those months?  Do you think she went in to the King and pleased him because of how brilliant a conversationalist she was? Umm..I don’t think so. She was cleansed, went through beauty treatments, and…then… It was all about technique…walk, talk, and kegels. She wore what the eunich told her to wear because she needed to look HOT.  I guarantee she did not walk into the Kings bedroom in sweatpants and curlers.ANd we know she did not walk in empty handed.  She fully intended to have sex with the King and to have the best technique in the castle.  We don’t know what she took in except that she took what the eunich told her to..but he knew the king, h e was in charge of the harem, he heard the gossip..he knew what the king was partial to.  Maybe he sent her in in a french maid outfit? Who knows…it worked and that is all that matters.

One of the problems with Christian marriages today is exactly that sex has been torn from the sacred and stuffed into a box marked “Flesh, unholy but neccessary”.  Somehow we have decided that God puts His hands over His eyes and says, “O.k… I know you are gonna do it eventually..get it over with I will come back when you are finished”.  We have bought the lie that Christian sex is something that women, NICE women don’t enjoy, and they just do because it gets them what they want from their husbands.And nice Christian men enjoy it but only because it is part of their animal nature.

Uh..no..Done right it is pretty much the best thing this side of Heaven.  I like it.

Here is more of what he says…

“Men, what your wives give you in the bedroom is more than good enough, and if you aren’t happy with it then the problem is in you, in your soul. No amount of Victoria’s Secret on her part is going to fix that. You are after a physical experience in which she is playing a supporting role. My deepest regret and heartache is that I didn’t learn that sooner in my own marriage.”

HELLO? Does anyone else see the women put up with it men are beasts  mentality in that statement? What your wives give you?

I like to seduce my husband, I like to wear items that will make his eyes bug out.  It is one of the blessings that God has given couples in marriage..to enjoy it.  At the same time I like him to wear stuff that will make my eyes bug out.  Boring, unimaginative sex does not make me feel loved..it makes me feel serviced.

I am not playing a supporting role…Marc is not after a physical experience…You cannot separate the physical and spiritual experience of sex without creating something God never meant it to be.  It is an equal role for each of us…doing it by yourself is not nearly so much fun…and it is the melding of the physical, spiritual, and emotional that creates great married sex.

God knew that we need emotional connection, that we need physcial release, that we need a spiritual bonding.  That is why it says in scripture not to withhold from one another except for an agreed upon time.

I do not think that lack of good, imaginative sex should make a spouse get involved in infidelity.  I do think that infidelity is an shared issue because we become one when we get married…and having had to deal with periods of celibacy in my marriage I can tell you that it definitely causes me to stumble when that happens.  If I fall I fall on my own..but I believe that Marc is as responsible as I am for my stumbles.

Whether you are the husband or the wife, you are the only sexual partner your spouse is allowed to have.  It is the one thing that is not available anywhere else.  Tony talks about sacrificial love as being willing to accept whatever  lukewarm sexual act a spouse throws at you but that goes two ways..sometimes sacrificial love means to give of yourself, sacrificially, whether you really feel like it or not.  Sometimes it means stepping out of your comfortable box.

Lights out, shades drawn, 10 point list of what is o.k. and what is not….Friday nights after 10 p.m. only and only for 23 minutes, no more.

The truth is that marriage takes two people each giving all they have and not holding anything back.

To say that marriage should not be transactional sounds very spiritual however it is not.  Any relationship has foundational responsibilities attached.  Even our relationship with Christ is not without responsibilities.  We cannot just give Him what we feel like.  I believe He states in Revelations just how much being lukewarm disgusts Him? Why would it be any different in marriage?

No, we do not love based on what we expect to get back, but just as faith without works is dead, love without works is also not really love at all.  It is convenience.

Image:Morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

My Rebuttal to “Transactional Marriage”

So I was thinking this morning, Wow we have had some great times. Sometimes I have to think back to a different time and remember fondly some of our memories together as a couple.

There are to many to mention now. There are things we did that just happened, like the Sprite soda incident before we were married.

Marye thought maybe she would discourage me by pouring Sprite on my head. But it didn’t deter me.

I eventually got a date with her. A mercy date , but that was a night to remember too. The Marine Corps Ball for MCAD DLI-FLC 1979. That was our first date. We had a great time. there was the pomp and ceremony, with me on cake detail. I was one of the last of the Marines in the ceremony that passed out after overheating in our dress blue uniforms and keeling over.  This was due to a long winded guest of honor’s speech… went probably 40-45 minutes longer than it was supposed to. We had been left at the position of attention. That portion of the ceremony was supposed to last only 12 -15minutes. That’s a story in itself. I think at least nine men on the detail literally fell out.

Our first date finally ended in the barracks stairwell with a goodnight kiss at about 2 or 3 am.

Our wedding of course, at Lover’s Point Park in Pacific Grove , Ca. and the reception in the upper room of one of the Marines favorite hangouts on Steinbeck’s Cannery Row , a restaurant named “Kalisa’s”. The only reception I’ve been at with belly dancers. Those memories help me remember how I loved Marye then and how much that love has grown over the years.

There were also great times when my in-laws watched the kids so we could get away. The weekend we went to check out the art gallery to display Marye’s oil paintings was awesome.  It turned into a rainy romantic Sunday afternoon on the Mandalay Canal, cuddling under a bridge to get out from the rain, after we perused the shops and galleries.

There was also the weekend getaway I found out about when I got home one Friday after work. I had the weekend off and Marye had our bags packed for a weekend at the historic and beautiful Aristocrat Hotel in downtown Dallas. Marye won a Hula Hoop contest that Friday night in a club at the West End Entertainment District of Dallas.

Just thinking of these and other memories can make you want to rekindle some of those feelings and make some new memories as well. Whether you are going through great times or low times in your marriage making these kinds of memories can strengthen your relationship. It can sometimes be a sacrifice, whether it is financially or in time but it will pay off in the end.

We need to have one of those getaways soon kid. Don’t you agree?

Image:Morguefile 

Post from: Blisstree

Memories are Forever