Two Chatty Cathy dolls

Truman walked at the ridiculously young age of 9 months. He would babble somewhat, but he well into his 2s before he made much effort to talk. Once he started, he rarely quieted down. I learned to keep pace by chattering along with him at the grocery store or in the car, but there are times even I cannot keep up.

I heard from two other parents this weekend alone that I’m not the only one drowning in my child’s chatter. Children at this age are just natural Chatty Cathies. We, as parents, should tune in from time to time in order to ease the chatter, according to Carolyn Warnemuende, a contributor to Informed Parent, who writes, and facilitates seminars and workshops in communication skills and parenting. In her entry, “The Art of Talking with Children,” she offers these three suggestions to help parents become better listeners to their children:

1. Know that your child wants to be heard. Parents may complain that their child talks just to get attention. Children who don’t feel listened to do just that. They talk incessantly. It is an attention getting device that works. Too much talking results in parents telling the child to back off or to be quiet. When parents listen, constant talking gradually ceases. Conversations begin taking place.

2. What is important to your child may not be what is important to you. You may want to know, for example, what your youngster did at school during the day. He wants to tell you about the hamster that Andy shared during Show and Tell. Listen to the story about the hamster. Ask questions about the hamster. When you show interest in your child’s stories, he is more receptive to continuing the conversation when you ask further questions about his day.

3. Accept spaces in the conversation. Often people have difficulty with lulls in conversation. They want to fill in the quiet spaces. Recognize that a conversation is made up of talking, listening, and space. Children may need to think about what they want to say or how to answer a question. Their silence does not necessarily mean the end to the conversation. Sometimes when parents move in too quickly to fill a conversation void, the child says, “Wait. I wasn’t finished yet.” Another child may not be so assertive and will simply withdraw from further interaction.

Lull in conversation? I think I’ve experienced that before when Truman was eating. I’m trying to teach him how not to talk with his mouth full. I suppose that’s a lesson for another day.

Photo, ChattyCathyTalks

Post from: Blisstree

How to Listen to Your Chatty Child

Image: sxc.hu

 The words we say to our children and the way we say them have a great effect.  That’s not to say that we’re to ignore discipline and sugar coat everything.  But if youngsters hear repeated emphasis on their failures and where these will lead, they’re encouraged to plan in this direction.

 I once asked a psychologist about a boy with Aspberger’s how best to help the child as he progressed through school and prepared for life beyond the home.  “Build upon his strengths,” the psychologist replied.

 I’ve often thought of this when working with any children, whether as a substitute teacher, a grandmother, a friend or neighbor.  Encourage them in their strengths and teach them to turn their weaknesses into strengths or at least minimize them.

 Think about how you’re talking to your children and how you’re conditioning them with the words you say.  

Post from: Blisstree

How Do You Talk to Your Children?

I put an ad up at Match.com and not much happened there. I was viewed a lot and got a few winks from some men in their fifties - not that I have a problem with men in their fifties, but I’m looking for someone who is near the same point in life that I am. I still have a child in elementary school.  I tweaked the ad a bit, added more personal opinion, information, etc, and switched to a smilier photo. Nothing. Ooh, the rejection……. sheesh.

Anyway, I put up a profile at Plenty of Fish.com and that’s been a different story…..

First of all, I am happy to report that I have heard from no “freaks.”  This is a complaint that is frequented voiced (penned?) in reference to Plenty Of Fish, as it is a free service.  I started receiving responses right away, which sort of backed up my theory that many of those guys at Match.com are registered, but not subscribed. 

The first guy sent me a poem. It was not a very good poem, but I absolutely appreciated his attempt and he sounded very proud of it. I talked to him a couple of times, then didn’t hear from him again.  I was polite and I tried to keep an open mind, but I kind of knew he was not what I was looking for in that first email.

The second guy emailed once, the first day my profile went up, then nothing until last night. I emailed back and forth with him for a bit, but decided that my friend might like him more than I did.  He seemed more her type – well more her type before this last guy that she’s been seeing off and on.  I emailed back and forth saying that I was going to show him to my friend. He kept writing back, why her? Tell me about her?

I explained her good points in a few emails. Was he not reading what I wrote? Then, this morning I saw that I missed his last message when was basically why her? why not you?  Was he really trying to get me to say, “I’m sorry, but I am not attracted to you”?  Is that what men like – that complete directness?  Probably. Personally, I perfer they fade off or they say, “I think we aren’t a good match,” something gentle.  I don’t ever want to hear that someone finds me unattractive. I don’t need to know every thought or opinion that is floating around a guy’s head. If I ask, tell me, but otherwise skip it. Move on.

I chatted with a man on im last night – Plenty of Fish has an im feature. He seemed nice, but he is unemployed (I’ve already been dealing with one unemployed man for a year now) and he was very opinionated about my son and his care. My son, Max, is an 18-year-old boy with Cerebral Palsy. I’ve been parenting him for a long time. I am not in need of advice or criticism about how he should have been taught something like sign language.  He cannot do sign language, buddy. He does not have control of his hands. He questioned his therapy – did I stretch him enough, etc.  I only spoke to this man for about 20 minutes and had never emailed with him.  

For some reason, I went ahead and gave him my phone number, but later I thought about my reservations and it occurred to me that if he was that aggressive in his opinions and criticisms to a stranger, then that behavior would only grow stronger when I got to know him better. I emailed him and said that I enjoyed talking to him, but that I felt we were not a good match.

The fourth guy seemed the most promising in that I found his photo to be attractive and he shared a lot of my interests – hiking, biking, camping, movies. Well, getting this guy to talk is near impossible.  I ask him questions, thinking maybe he doesn’t know what to say and is in need of conversation starters. Still just a sentence or two in response. Steady are the responses, but after a week and about 7 or 8 emails a piece, I still feel as if I know nothing about him.  He keeps making the comment that he is typing two-fingered and it’s slow going. Okay, take your time then, but if you want to continue talking to me then say something. 

Today I mentioned that our family pet guinea pig died and he wrote back with no mention of it. Nothing. Instead he said, “I hear Yes, Man is a good movie.”  My friend had the same thing happen with a man.  She mentioned that her family pet was very ill and he said, “Cool.”  This guy did not say “cool,” but he either did not care or did not read what I wrote.  Is this a male thing – family pets die and it’s not big deal?  Around my house, this is a big deal. I fed that little guy with a syringe trying to save him.

Here’s my point – I like to keep an open mind, but I need to set up a list of what I will and won’t be okay with in terms of meeting these guys. If getting someone to talk is like pulling teeth and he has not asked for my phone number, then chances are he really has no interest in getting to know me. When I get involved again, I’d like it to go fairly easy this time.  If it’s too much work to get it started, then I’m not interested in taking a relationship on. I’ve got enough to challenge me in my every day. I’d like to meet a man to actually relax with and have fun.

What do you think?  Are you using an online dating service?  Any luck?  Any un-luck?

Post from: Blisstree

My Experience With Online Dating

 

Nine year-old Alec Greven, wrote a relationship book called “How To Talk To Girls,” when he was eight. He said that he observed the behavior of fellow students, while on the playground, and by doing so, he was able to recognize what did and what did not work.

I work part time at an elementary school – I work the 3 lunch recesses. From what I’ve read of Alec Greven, the kid knows his stuff. Another interesting thing to note, recess is a microcosm of the rest of the World. The people who are beautiful on the outside are not always so beautiful on the inside. Girls like it when you comb your hair and don’t wear sweat pants. (This goes for both sexes – everyone appreciates some effort). Girls respond best when you are casually confident. Wash the pizza off of your face before heading outside and don’t pick your nose. Okay, those were all me, but it’s still good advice, even if I don’t have a book deal.

If you’ve been reading Dating Dames for awhile, you might have seen my advice from my ten year-old daughter, Sarah. Kids get things. They take something and they see it simply, where adults make it murky and ridiculously complicated. Adults examine motivation – why is he doing that? is he thinking this? is he thinking that? Adults analyze too much.  Kids get right to the business of being.

Here’s a bit of Alec’s insight: 

Well, pretty girls … all they care about is their looks. She doesn’t care about a boy liking her, or how a boy feels about her. It’s just, “Oh, do I look nice?” Regular girls can be pretty, too. Plus, a regular girl has other things on her mind and is fun to be around.

You want to walk up casually — you can’t look shy or nervous, like you’re doing something really important. Just say “Hi.” If she says “Hi” back, you’re off to a good start. What you want to do is let the girl do most of the talking, start off asking about stuff she likes to do and then let her talk. If you mess up, it’s not good. If the girl messes up, it’s OK.

image credit: Barnes and Noble.com

Post from: Blisstree

Nine Year Old Boy Advises How To Talk To Girls

I had a talk with my boyfriend this morning. I asked what his plans were and he told me some basic ideas. He said that the problem with saying a plan out loud was that then you could be held to it.  I said, maybe that’s what is needed sometimes to stay on track. He asked if I thought he was “adrift” and we laughed, but yeah, I do think he is adrift. I think he’s got some ideas and a handful of plans, but is unsure in which direction to go.  None of the directions have anything to do with me or my family.  I noticed this and said nothing for a long time. I hate arguing, hate the way he raises his voice and I immediately tear up. 

Finally, I pointed out that none of those plans have anything to do with me or my family. He said, “Of course, Michelle. I don’t even know what I’m going to do with my s–t right now.” 

So, yes, I finally brought the subject up, but he cannot tell me anything because he does not know what he wants right now. We have moved so far backward. The thing that bothers me the most is that it is hurting my daughter.  She loves him so much. She wants him to be her daddy.  She is such a great kid, so warm, loving, funny, truly the brightest light in my life. 

I am going to speak with her about him today. I am going to say that sometimes people come into your life and they are great in so many ways, but they are not people that you can count on. They are sort of free spirits and they can talk a good game, but when it comes down to it, they don’t have what it takes to make things permanent. We have to learn to love them, but not expect much from them. 

I believe that he loves us to the best of his ability, but I also believe that he loves himself much more and accepts his failings too quickly. He will say, “I don’t want to be like…….,” and then he will turn around and do the very same behavior. It will bother him that he does it, but he does not change anything.

The trick, for me, is to either let go, or learn to live with the limitations of our relationship.  Have I talked myself into thinking that this is the only man I can ever be happy with? The only one who will truly accept my limitations?  The only man who will love my chubby thighs and smooshy belly?  That can’t be true, right? But women, we do that, we think oh no, this is the only one who will ever love me like this.  Well, next time, I want to be loved better than this. I want to be loved the way he loved me in the first 6 months of our relationship, the way I’ve seen glimpses of in the last year, but not any sort of long haul determination or behavior. 

I need to put my focus back on the things that make me feel healthy (family, friends, exercise) and successful (work) and put this relationship on the back burner. I believe that is what he wants me to do.  He wants to figure things out without worrying about me and I need to let him do that, because I am his friend. I do not know if I want to be his girlfriend any longer.

Post from: Blisstree

Limitations – Deciding When To Accept Them and When To Move On