“Such gross misbehavior is not by any means a full catalogue of the harms we do. Let us think of some of the subtler ones which can sometimes be quite as damaging. Suppose that in our family lives we happen to be miserly, irresponsible, callous, or cold. Suppose that we are irritable, critical, impatient, and humorless. Suppose we lavish attention upon one member of the family and neglect the others.”

Through the years I’ve watched my share of alcoholics who’ve, unfortunately, allowed themselves to return to selfishness and self-centeredness. In quite a few instances these folks have shared in meetings in a manner that allows those listening to catch a glimpse of something being “off the beam.” An oldtimer noticed it in me once and said something to me about it. He told me that the majority of my sentences began with the word “I.” I was wrapped up in me!

“What happens when we try to dominate the whole family, either by a rule of iron or by a constant outpouring of minute directions for just how their lives should be lived from hour to hour? What happens when we wallow in depression, self-pity oozing from every pore, and inflict that upon those about us? Such a roster of harms done others — the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics difficult and often unbearable – - could be extended almost indefinitely.”

That is the manner in which these other folks also shared. Most of them accepted the thoughts of those who were there to help them through those moments, those who understood. Sadly, not all of them were open to receiving this help. Perhaps it was the way it was presented, I don’t know. That doesn’t matter.

I’ve learned through these years that I want to at least attempt to couch my thoughts, comments and suggestions in a manner that is the most receptive or motivates action within our Twelve Steps. I know without doubt that I’ll never be perfect at any of this but I still try. I try because a life is always worth saving if indeed that life is in jeopardy. I don’t know if it is in jeopardy unless I ask. So… I ask. And for the love of God I have no idea how this was misunderstood, but it was;

[Name deleted] – Are you really okay? I ask because there is something I noticed in this post today…

You began 9 of 13 sentences with “I.”

Wassup???

The misunderstanding wasn’t the problem. There was a personal “reaction” and that wasn’t the problem. There was a subsequent apology that was accepted gratefully. That certainly isn’t the problem. I want to walk away from this – yet I can’t yet. Why? Because there is a problem, for me.

I did what I did strictly out of concern for another person. There was no “agenda.” There was no bad motive. I had no ill intentions. Yet I’ve now been character assassinated, diminished and repeatedly criticized – wrongly! Those who’ve done this couldn’t have read this comment/question because if they had they’d no doubt have understood the reason behind it. They are just spouting off for the sake of spewing negativity on someone they don’t know to defend someone they think they do know.

And it hurts still. And I am allowing myself to react to this hurt with anger.

The paragraph I’ve quoted above ends with this;

“When we take such personality traits as these into shop, office, and the society of our fellows, they can do damage almost as extensive as that we have caused at home.”

The Internet can be understood as “the society of our fellows” imho. So your negative, name-calling, smart-assed comments have caused me harm. They hurt me when I was trying my best to find out whether someone needed help. You “holier-than-thous” ought to get the heck over your da** selves!

Post from: Blisstree

Subtler Misbehavior Quite As Damaging As Gross Misbehavior

Didn’t We Hurt Anybody?

“Some of us, though, tripped over a very different snag. We clung to the claim that when drinking we never hurt anybody but ourselves.”

Wow, were we ever self-centered??? Yet, that was what I believed and it was the point! Though I wasn’t up to task. When the time came (and it did often) I couldn’t pull the final “plug.” Thank God…

“My parents, who had been deeply hurt by my isolation from them, my employer, who worried about my absences, my memory lapses, my temper; and the friends I had shunned, without explanation. As I faced the reality of the harm I had done, Step Eight took on new meaning. I am no longer uncomfortable and I feel clean and light.”

[The book doesn't mention (in this reading) the harm I did my wife and children, those I loved the most and caused the most harm. I'll mention it to satisfy my critics.]

Post from: Blisstree

Wasn’t That The Idea?

Daily Reflections

Remember, from the Seventh Step;

“In every case, pain had been the price of admission into a new life.”

I’d asked God for dozens of do-overs, never believing there was any hope. In addition, I sure didn’t exactly perceive that were I to be graced with a new life that, by necessity, it would have to be born through pain!

“But this admission price had purchased more than we expected. It brought a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain.”

In our Eighth Step we discover more about pain: “I learned that the pain of my defects is the very substance God uses to cleanse my character and to set me free.”

We might want to consider embracing our pain as we grow…

Post from: Blisstree

The Pain Of My Defects

And it will eliminate the “easier, softer way” the Internet offers.

“When listing the people we have harmed, most of us hit another solid obstacle. We got a pretty severe shock when we realized that we were preparing to make a face-to-face admission of our wretched conduct to those we had hurt.”

I love the way Bill calls things – “wretched conduct.” He pulls no punches with his words.

“It had been embarrassing enough when in confidence we had admitted these things to God, to ourselves, and to another human being.”

I’d wonder about that. Was it truly embarrassing to you admitting your wretched conduct to your God?

“But the prospect of actually visiting or even writing the people concerned now overwhelmed us, especially when we remembered in what poor favor we stood with most of them.”

Get the picture? Oh he**! I have to go face them??? There’s a fear I’d have drank over/at! Anything to avoid the certain anger and condemnation my actions had earned. A “small” indication of more value to a thorough Third Step.

“There were cases, too, where we had damaged others who were still happily unaware of being hurt. Why, we cried, shouldn’t bygones be bygones? Why do we have to think of these people at all?”

To be thorough and complete with our God. Because I said I was willing to go to any length to gain victory over alcohol. Because “These were some of the ways in which fear conspired with pride to hinder our making a list of all the people we had harmed.”

I can’t be sure how you feel about it but I know I don’t want to meet my Creator having left someone out because of my pride and ego. He’s given me the most incredible gift I could have imagined. The least I can do to stay sober and say thank you is to be complete.

Post from: Blisstree

Preparing For A Face-To-Face

“Every A.A. has found that he can make little headway in this new adventure of living until he first backtracks and really makes an accurate and unsparing survey of the human wreckage he has left in his wake.”

Accurate and unsparing! Do you now know why the Fourth Step said “Searching and Fearless?” Oh, BTW – note it says the human wreckage we left behind. There are no mistakes. It is time to stand up and accept responsibility.

“To a degree, he has already done this when taking a moral inventory, but now the time has come when he ought to redouble his efforts to see how many people he has hurt, and in what ways.”

I believe if you get real about this you already know that you hurt others. I knew it yet hadn’t really been able to focus on exactly how. I was about to become able to do just that. For ex. – the times I came home in the early hours of the morning and she had been sitting alone listening to the police sirens wondering if I had wrapped myself or others around a tree. I caused her emotional pain and I was wrong. Selfishly, I hadn’t given it any consideration. I was wrapped up in me.

“This reopening of emotional wounds, some old, some perhaps forgotten, and some still painfully festering, will at first look like a purposeless and pointless piece of surgery. But if a willing start is made, then the great advantage of doing this will so quickly reveal themselves that the pain will be lessened as one obstacle after another melts away.”

I can’t say that was exactly what happened for me as anyone who has been reading would know but I can say that the advantages that have eventually revealed themselves are worth it – specifically that the obsession is gone.

Forgiveness. A tough subject in the beginning. Forgiveness is about to be brought into the light for us. Yet we’ll sometimes still be urged by old, inbred behavior, to revert back. That also lessens.

“These obstacles, however, are very real. The first, and one of the most difficult, has to do with forgiveness. The moment we ponder a twisted or broken relationship with another person, our emotions go on the defensive. To escape looking at the wrongs we have done another, we resentfully focus on the wrong he/she has done us. This is especially true if he/she has, in fact, behaved badly at all. Triumphantly we seize upon his/her misbehavior as the perfect excuse for minimizing or forgetting our own.”

And, if you insist on this focus, you’ll continue to have a deep challenge with sobriety! This is not humble!

Post from: Blisstree

They Did “It” To Me! Oh – You Think So?

Thought – if you’re new and having troubles with your personal relationships and thinking of drinking, don’t keep it to yourself and think perhaps you can solve it on your own! Meetings, sponsor, oldtimers.

Make note – From the 12&12, page 77;

“First, we take a look backward and try to discover where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt to repair the damage we have done; and third, having thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how, with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know.”

And then it says “This is a very large order” to which I thought, in the beginning, oh screw this one! Amazing I would think that because the lack of good relationships was/is the primary emotional pain of my very being.

I can attest today that this is true;

“Learning how to live in the greatest peace, partnership, and brotherhood with all men and women, of whatever description, is a moving and fascinating adventure.”

An adventure that I often want to not live through because of its disturbances, but I make it with your help. Relationships, even after time sober, can still be major challenges, especially with those you love.

But I said I was willing to do whatever it took and I still am!

Post from: Blisstree

Oh No! Personal Relationships!!!

Naturally, I consider that, in “those days,” I was drinking so how honest could I have been? I suppose only my customers could say…

When working an Eighth and Ninth Step there is a lengthy discussion in the Big Book about just exactly how honest we ought to be. The answer, for me, is on page 80. Referring to a wrong a man felt he could not possibly make right, here is what follows;

“After consulting with his wife and partner he came to the conclusion that it was better to take those risks than to stand before his Creator quilty of such ruinous slander. He saw that he had to place the outcome in God’s hands or he would soon start drinking again, and all would be lost anyhow.”

Please let me remind you, this works for me – I don’t want to face the prospect of standing before St. Peter at the pearly gates and have him ask me questions that I won’t have an honest answer for… I’ll do whatever it takes to be as close to 100% honest as I can be. Besides, the God I understand today will forgive me for anything as long as I’m willing to be forgiven. Oh, and I don’t go running around using that as an excuse for poor behavior because I know that same God can see right through that crappola.

Post from: Blisstree

Honesty – But To What Extent?

The Tablemate was an early A.A. set of beginners lessons entitled ‘Alcoholics Anonymous: An Interpretation of the Twelve Steps,’ put out in the form of a little pamphlet. It was (and still is) the most successful set of A.A. beginners lessons ever devised.

And I’m drawing content from the Hindsfoot site, laboriously prepared by Glenn C. and others… We moved into Discussion No. 3: Inventory and Restitution Part I recently, and now, Inventory and Restitution Part II.

***************************************

Step No. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Under this step we will make a written* list of those we have harmed. We ask God to let his will be done, not our will, and ask for the strength and courage to become willing to forget resentments and false pride and make amends to those we have harmed. We must not do this step grudgingly, or as an unpleasant task to be rid of quickly. We must do it willingly, fairly, and humbly – - without condescension.

*The original Detroit pamphlet said “a list (mental or written),” but the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions later made it clear that it needed to be written.

Step No. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

This is where we make peace with ourselves by making peace with those we have hurt. The amends we make must be direct. We must pay in kind for the hurt we have done them.

• If we have cheated we must make restitution.
• If we have hurt their feelings we must ask forgiveness from them.

The list of harms done may be long but the list of amends is equally long. For every wrong we have done, there is a right we may do to compensate.
There is only one exception. We must develop a sense of justice, a spirit of fairness, an attitude of common sense. If our effort to make amends would create further harm or cause a scandal, we will have to skip the direct amends and clean the matter up under Step Five.

Post from: Blisstree

The Tablemate – Discussion No. 3 Inventory and Restitution Part II

Yet the most foolish continue to go about their self-centered, selfish ways and engage in this conduct.

Beginning on page 80;

“The chances are that we have domestic troubles. Perhaps we are mixed up with women in a fashion (works both ways folks) we wouldn’t care to have advertised.”

True for me. And for her. I was the cause. She was the recipient of the emotional harm.

“After a few years with an alcoholic, a wife gets worn out, resentful and uncommunicative. How could she be anything else?”

Again, very true in my case. How could she have been anything but worn out? I put her through an emotional wringer. Imagine if I hadn’t loved her…

“Perhaps he is having a secret and exciting affair with ‘the girl who understands.’ In fairness we must say that she may understand, but what are we going to do about a thing like that?

Drawing on the experience that we attract what we are, the likelihood that she understands is because she isn’t new to this “game.”

“A man so involved often feels very remorseful at times, especially if he is married to a loyal and courageous girl who has literally gone through hell for him.”

Yes, I did and drank the feelings of remorse away. Yes, she did. And the further into hell she went the quieter she became until the opportunity to explode presented itself.

“Whatever the situation, we usually have to do something about it. If we are sure our wife does not know, should we tell her? Not always, we think. If she knows in a general way that we have been wild, should we tell her in detail? Undoubtedly we should admit our fault.”

NO! Do NOT tell her details! At least, that is my experience. Tell your God or your Higher Power. If you spew open details you are hurting her and that may be your “hidden” agenda even if you don’t believe it is a hidden agenda. Don’t do it. Speak with your sponsor, your priest, your mental health professional. Don’t lay that emotional lightning on an already beaten up spouse.

“She may insist on knowing all the particulars. She will want to know who the woman is and where she is. We feel we ought to say to her that we have no right to involve another person.”

Let me tell you… if you’re like me you have gone a long way towards instilling in your spouse a “self-fulfilling” action – that of self-inflicting emotional harm. The more information she had, the worse she felt. It only added to the original harm. And, if she had found the other woman? Same deal – communication with her added to what was already a bad situation. Plus, now the other person feels pain. We’ve dealt out enough pain!

“We are sorry for what we have done and, God willing, it shall not be repeated.”

That’s the solution!!! Don’t repeat these insane actions. They are not based in soundness of mind which means you’re missing something in the Second Step too!

Post from: Blisstree

Secret And Exciting Affairs Equal Very Remorseful

We are then reminded “that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience.”

“No matter what the personal consequences may be.” We are also reminded to think first…

“Usually, however, other people are involved. Therefore, we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit.”

Furthermore;

“Before taking drastic action which might implicate other people we secure their consent. If we have obtained permission, have consulted with others, asked God to help and the drastic step is indicated we must not shrink.“

Post from: Blisstree

General Principles Which We Find Guiding