And, from personal experience, I’d love to tell them that this one will work and work well! It assuredly does for us alkies

Let Go and Let God

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.”

From A.A.’s 12&12;

“This is a way to a faith that works. In the first two Steps we were engaged in reflection. We saw that we were powerless over alcohol (insert whatever you are powerless over), but we also perceived that faith of some kind, if only in A.A. (insert a support group relevant to your challenge), is possible to anyone. These conclusions did not require action; they required only acceptance.”

Back in the nineteen forties, Bill W. wrote this about electricity in our book;

“Every modern house has electric wiring carrying power and light to its interior. We are delighted with this dependency; our main hope is that nothing will ever cut off the supply of current. By so accepting our dependence upon this marvel of science, we find ourselves more independent personally. Not only are we more independent, we are even more comfortable and secure. Power flows just where it is needed. Silently and surely, electricity, that strange energy so few people understand, meets our simplest daily needs, and our most desperate ones, too.”

If we can relate this to putting ourselves in a position of dependence upon whatever God we understand, we find the way to stay sober and live a reasonably happy life more independently. This can apply to any situation or life challenge. We found it was more than worth giving a try, you might too

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Independence – Dependence?

Daily Reflections

Forming True Partnerships

“But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.”

Can these words apply to me, am I still unable to form a true partnership with another human being? What a terrible handicap that would be for me to carry into my sober life! In my sobriety I will meditate and pray to discover how I may be a trusted friend and companion.

****************************************

What happens when I have stopped twisting the relations with my family, friends and society at large? What happens when I am no longer as stupid and stubborn as I had been? What happens when I am no longer unable to form true partnerships?

When I feel tortured and alone… I look to this reflection and find that I am still alone though I have found the ability to form true partnerships.

This is the reading that leads me to believe something contrary to “Do the right thing and the right thing will happen.” According to whom? What will happen will happen according to God. If I do the right thing something other than what I think is best is liable to happen and it is then that I must practice 3 and 11!

Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done…

Because I’m soooo smart – I think I know what the right thing is!

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From Which You May Get To Practice Three And Eleven

As I do so often – from “The Language of the Heart” page 237-238 (I ought to set up a cot on these pages)

“My basic flaw had always been dependence – almost absolute dependence – on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like.”

It’s that “and the like” stuff that gets me! Bill doesn’t talk about love, affection, attention, a feeling of worthiness, a feeling of being needed, in this area. “And the like.” He does speak of depression, which I am subject to on and off, depending on my spiritual condition and my self-esteem.

“Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought them for years. And when defeat came, so did my depression.”

I remain ever grateful for some strange things like – getting divorced (at this moment, this wasn’t true yesterday). Driven to seeking help due to Twelve Steps I learned something about me and I’m thankful I learned it! My brain perceives things differently than I do! Yeah, I know, that can’t be, eh? Well, if you’re an alky like me you know for certain that the look on a particular person’s face will tell you they hate you, don’t want to be near you, think lowly of you etc. etc. Doesn’t mean that’s what they’re thinking! Just means that’s what I think they’re thinking! And when I think that’s what they’re thinking my brain perceives that as rejection! Not quite what Bill speaks of but it’s close enough for me…

“Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed, upon any set of circumstances whatsoever.”

It becomes exhausting. Very, very tiring to exert every ounce so many times, making small progress – but making progress!

“Then only could I be free to love as (St.) Francis had. Emotional and instinctual satisfactions, I saw, were really the extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing love appropriate to each relation of life.”

And – God will reveal to me the appropriateness of each relationship.

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My Basic Flaw Has Always Been Dependence

“This was only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made, an effect, sometimes a very great one, was felt at once.”

Only a beginning, there’s a long way to go…

“Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted.”

Well, of course I never attempted it, I didn’t have the problem – you did. The world did. My boss did. My wife did. Etc. etc. etc. ad infinitum.

“Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us.”

Decision? What decision? The decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. That decision!

Blocking us? Now, what the hey does that mean? Block – Something that prevents something from passing, i.e. keeps you from getting to where you want to go, which, for me, was a happy life.

“Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.”

Aaah – little did I know what this meant at first! In a couple of sentences I found out;

“A fact-finding and fact-facing process.”

“We searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.”

Despite what some might call “middle-of-the-road babble” I believe that it is plain and clear that “manifested in various ways” sure as heck partially has its meaning based in motives. I had never looked at the “why” of the things I’d done. There were many and they each had a root cause.

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Next? A Course Of Vigorous Action

Step #3 – Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

This is a wonderful paragraph from the Big Book, pg. 61;

“Our actor is self-centered – ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?”

Raises hand – guilty here!

Oh, and let me add – recovered versus recovering, you had better see it my way or you’re not real… puleeeze.

“The more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are. Therefore dependence, as A.A. practices it, is really a means of gaining true independence of the spirit.”

Let Go and Let God, Live and Let Live. Practice, practice, practice. We get better at it and it is worth it! Now… it’s

Time to launch!

From pg. 63 (the motive);

“Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.”

Really doesn’t give me the impression that this is simply suggested – how about you?

Fourth Step coming up!

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The Third Step

“Then it is explained that other steps of the A.A. program can be practiced with success only when Step Three is given a determined and persistent trial. This statement may surprise newcomers who have experienced nothing but constant deflation and a growing conviction that human will is of no value whatever.”

Are there really newcomers like that? (j/k)

“They have become persuaded, and rightly so, that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault powered by the individual alone. But now it appears that there are certain things which only the individual can do.”

Gonna leave a newcomer with themselves eh?

“All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness. When he acquires willingness, he is the only one who can make the decision to exert himself. Trying to do this is an act of his own will.”

Despite what some might think, no, you can’t force someone else’s will upon them

“All of the Twelve Steps require sustained and personal exertion to conform to their principles and so, we trust, to God’s will.”

[Sustain]

Therefore, it seems, as I was told and experienced, there is no such thing as “microwave” sobriety. And I can’t solve mine or your problems by bulldozing my way through them based on self-will. I have to ask for spiritual help.

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Why They Said I Bulldozed Through Life

Third

“God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always. We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.”

Seventh

“My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen”

These two prayers merge in my mind to become: “Father, take me, all of me and do with me as Thou wilt. Take away my difficulties that I might be an example to those I would help of Thy Will, Thy Love and Thy Way of life.”

No gray areas…

I can’t afford the luxury of gray areas. Those who know me know my story with alcohol. At the end of my drinking I was consuming three quarters of a liter of Wild Turkey 101 in three hours, could no longer achieve a drunken state, and it was pi**in’ me off! BTW – don’t screw my booze up with mixers, don’t change my cubes, and if you don’t like my drinking – there’s the door, don’t let it hit you in the a** on the way out! And that was at home with my family…

Walkin’, talkin’ attitude case.

Alcoholics Anonymous and the Twelve Steps changed all that. I am grateful I am not that person any longer. Unfortunately, those I hurt want me to remain that person forever. They have no difficulty treating me as I once deserved (so I thought, not really true), like the animal I was. That is also my family and those who have, as a result of family difficulties, been placed in a position of power over aspects of my life that they truly don’t deserve to have.

My God loves me and if you don’t it truly ought not matter, but sometimes, like right now, it damn well hurts.

No, I won’t drink at it – that will spoil their judgments!

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There Is No Gray Area

1. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. (58:1)

2. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. (58:1)

3. Their chances are less than average. (58:1)

4. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. (58:3)

5. Without help it is too much for us. (59:0)

6. But there is One who has all power-that One is God. (59:0)

7. Half measures availed us nothing. (59:1)

8. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. (60:1)

9. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. (60:1)

10. We were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. (60:2)

11. Probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. (60:2)

12. God could and would if He were sought. (60:2)

13. That any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. (60:4)

14. Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. (62:1)

15. We invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. (62:1)

16. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. (62:2)

17. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God’s help. (62:2)

18. We had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. (62:3)

19. God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom. (62:3)

20. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. (63:1)

21. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. (63:1)

22. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. (63:1)

23. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. (63:1)

[Updated to bring it into the now.]

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Third Step Promises

Immediately before the quote in the Daily Reflection, The Big Book says;

“We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn’t apply to our human problems this same readiness to change our point of view. We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people – was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Of course it was.”

So… I sit there, read that, and I’m staring directly at a laundry list of my “bedevilments!” Once again though – the Big Book comes right back with the answer!

“When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.”

As the responder to the reflection states: “Even though my faith at that time was miniscule, it was big enough to make me see that it was time for me to discard my reliance on my prideful ego and replace it with the steadying strength that could only come from a Power greater than myself.”

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The God Idea

“If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful.”

Then, when the show doesn’t please the alcoholic mind “What Usually Happens?”

“He begins to think life doesn’t treat him very well. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be.”

And the family will have to use their “computer eyes” to decipher what to expect – demanding or gracious, probably knowing intuitively that in some manner they’re being manipulated. They certainly know that none of this feels right or good.

“Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble?

The Big Book has a perfect answer but I think, because the oldtimers taught me this, that this is where “His Majesty the Baby” appears. Think about it. When an infant throws a tantrum aren’t they angry, indignant and self-pitying? Stomping their feet, screaming louder and louder, etc. That is, until they get their way…

“Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants?”

Which, now thankfully, begs the question – so what if he wants it? Who the he** is he?

“And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?”

An alkie producing harmony? Wouldn’t that be the day…

“Our actor is self-centered – ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired businessman who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safecracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?”

Anything ringing any bells for ya’?

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Understanding The Alcoholic Mind – Really? [Touched By Motives]