I first published this two years ago and I’d like to refer to it again. It feels very appropriate considering some of the folks who’ve displayed their own recently…

****************************************

It surprised me when I discovered how defiant I had been toward God in my drinking days and for quite some time after He helped me sober up.

Small, simple things like, “no, I’ll do it my way, thank you.” Do you have any idea how often and to what degree we do this?

There’s an old “story” I wish I could relate about someone demanding a sign from God while they’re standing in the middle of a field. They dismiss a soft breeze, a butterfly and a couple of other signs because they misperceive them and leave discouraged.

I really like what it says on page 31 in the 12&12 – “When we encountered A.A., the fallacy of our defiance was revealed.” I like it today, I didn’t quite like it when I was a green pea. I didn’t want to be considered defiant. I’d been told that throughout my life – “You’re so defiant Mark.” I can hear my mom now. It was my ego and pride – I really didn’t want to be wrong in yet another way.

Our book goes on to say – “At no time had we asked what God’s will was for us: instead we had been telling Him what it ought to be.” I thought “how had I been telling Him what it ought to be? Consider that all, ALL my prayers, revolved around getting something I wanted or not losing something I had. “Please, please God, do this for me.”

God had other ideas… I wasn’t very accepting of God’s other ideas. When He didn’t deliver I became angry and hurt. I developed a manner of thinking that God didn’t love me because he never gave me what I wanted. Ever…

Then A.A. tells me “No man, we saw, could believe in God and defy Him, too. Belief meant reliance, not defiance.”

Oh heck, I’m done… but wait!

“In A.A. we saw the fruits of this belief: men and women spared from alcohol’s final catastrophe. We saw them meet and transcend their other pains and trials. We saw them calmly accept impossible situations, seeking neither to run nor to recriminate.”

There’s hope in those words! Maybe I’m not done after all?

“This was not only faith; it was faith that worked under all conditions. We soon concluded that whatever price in humility we must pay, we would pay.”

All Conditions!

From the previous page – “Self-righteousness, the very thing that we had contemptuously condemned in others, was our own besetting evil. This phony form of respectability was our undoing, so far as faith was concerned.”

Self-righteousness undid me and was phony!

Humility!

Post from: Blisstree

The Fallacy of Defiance

Therefore, for today, I am feeling not very faithful. It doesn’t help that as I write posts like this, I try to save it as I write and either my computer or the server acts as if it has a resentment towards me

Reality – I’ve been trying to get something important to me and, in turn, to my responsibilities towards my family, solved for a year. To do this I have to contact a state agency. Background – I wasn’t able to fulfill this responsibility for quite some time and ultimately paid a legal price. God has helped me fix this in the past year and a half and it is no longer a problem but could become one again.

I’ve been taught this is a “do what you don’t want to do program.” I have also learned to give me, all of me, to the God I understand today, asking Him to “take away my difficulties so that victory over them might bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life.”

Yeah – and – S.O.B.E.R. means Son Of a Bit**, Everything’s Real!

So, because this could affect my ex. and our children and because an oldtimer suggested it and it made sense with the help of HP, I did what I could do through my son to contact my ex. Knowing I’m not alone, I’m certain there are those who can understand how painful this process is for me. It is also simply morally right to fulfill the responsibility.

She called this morning. Almost nine years have passed since the last time we spoke. She had put forth an effort prior to calling to have some resources for me. I was thankful. I’ll leave it up to your imagination where my emotions went during this call. Don’t forget, I’m a real alcoholic…

I followed up. Made the phone call. Nothing. Same results as before. Nothing. Ought I mention that I said a few prayers during this? I’m not happy with God – right now. I’ll get over it and will move on. My faith however, has been deeply bruised.

Post from: Blisstree

Losing Faith

I was actually looking for a copy of “Footprints In The Sand” this morning in order to post it for “us” as a reminder. It still is one of many God poems that help me through many days. By sheer curiosity, after I had found a copy at Barefoot Bill’s, I clicked through to something I’d never seen or known before a few minutes ago. I love learning new stuff, especially when it brings tears…

So – here it is (Feels like its all about the Third Step, to me);

Mizpah

Go thou thy way, and I go mine,
Apart, yet not afar;
Only a thin veil hangs between
The pathways where we are.
And “God keep watch ‘tween thee and me”;
This is my prayer;
He looks thy way, He looketh mine,
And keeps us near.

I know not where thy road may lie,
Or which way mine will be;
If mine will lead thro’ parching sands
And thine beside the sea;
Yet God keeps watch ‘tween thee and me,
So never fear;
He holds thy hands, He claspeth mine,”
And keeps us near.

Should wealth and fame perchance be thine,
And my lot lowly be,
Or you be sad and sorrowful,
And glory be for me,
Yet God keep watch ‘tween thee and me;
Both be His care;
One arm round thee and one round me
Will keep us near.

I sigh sometimes to see thy face,
But since this may not be,
I’ll leave thee to the care of Him
Who cares for thee and me.
“I’ll keep you both beneath my wings,”
This comforts, dear; One wing o’er thee
and one o’er me,
Will keep us near.

And though our paths be separate,
And thy way is not mine,
Yet coming to the Mercy seat,
My soul will meet with thine.
And “God keep watch ‘tween thee and me,”
I’ll whisper there.
He blesseth thee, He blesseth me,
And we are near.

– Julia A. Baker –

(More about Mizpeh, where I found that it means “Watch Tower.”)

Post from: Blisstree

Mizpeh [The WatchTower]

It was during this time of emotional upset that the b5 team learned to make use of Steps 3 and 11;

3. – Let Go and Let God

11. – Praying only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out.

Thanks to our tech guys!!!

Post from: Blisstree

b5 Learns To Practice 3 and 11

II – Spiritual Experience

“The terms ’spiritual experience’ and ’spiritual awakening’ are used many times in this book which upon careful reading, shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself among us in many different forms.”

My best friend and I were having a discussion about recovery yesterday (which we do on a daily basis). Lonnie has 11 years and is in the phase where some things he witnesses exasperate him. Understandable, to me. In this specific instance, I’ve seen it now for years. It has become “normal” to have the awareness that one of the best kept secrets in Alcoholics Anonymous is our Big Book. Folks simply don’t read it.

The challenge? These same folks bring their “intelligence” into the rooms of AA and spew that all over newcomers and oldtimers alike. Unfortunately what they are really doing is spreading their opinion, not the facts of recovery. When you’ve heard it over and over, it can become exasperating. Yet, it is normal in the sense that it is what we do! I did it too…

We brought up the Third Step at our meeting last night and I couldn’t help but wonder how all these folks, I mean all, had been able to take their Third Step and finish it! Oy Vey!!!

“Though it was not our intention to create such an impression, many alcoholics have nevertheless concluded that in order to recover they must acquire an immediate and overwhelming “God-consciousness” followed at once by a vast change in feeling and outlook.”

Thankfully, the book changes very little and this passage remains intact.

“Most of our experiences are what the psychologist William James calls the “educational variety” because they develop slowly over a period of time.”

It is my hope that the majority of the folks I heard last night stick around and learn through long term experience. It is also my hope that they crack open the damn book!!!

Post from: Blisstree

Spiritual Experience

• Who has sorrow?

• Who is always fighting?

• Who is always complaining?

• Who has unnecessary bruises?

• Who has bloodshot eyes?

Who knows where these questions come from?

The answer to the questions;

“It is the one who spends long hours in the taverns, trying out new drinks. Don’t let the sparkle and smooth taste of wine deceive you. For in the end it bites like a poisonous serpent; it stings like a viper. You will see hallucinations, and you will say crazy things. You will stagger like a sailor tossed at sea, clinging to a swaying mast. And you will say, “They hit me, but I didn’t feel it. I didn’t even know it when they beat me up. When will I wake up so I can have another drink?”

Post from: Blisstree

Who Has?

Small, simple things like, “no, I’ll do it my way, thank you.” Do you have any idea how often and to what degree we do this?

There’s an old “story” I wish I could relate about someone demanding a sign from God while they’re standing in the middle of a field. They dismiss a soft breeze, a butterfly and a couple of other signs because they misperceive them and leave discouraged.

I really like what it says on page 31 in the 12&12 – “When we encountered A.A., the fallacy of our defiance was revealed.” I like it today, I didn’t quite like it when I was a green pea. I didn’t want to be considered defiant. I’d been told that throughout my life – “You’re so defiant Mark.” I can hear my mom now. It was my ego and pride – I really didn’t want to be wrong in yet another way.

Our book goes on to say – “At no time had we asked what God’s will was for us: instead we had been telling Him what it ought to be.” I thought “how had I been telling Him what it ought to be? Consider that all, ALL my prayers, revolved around getting something I wanted or not losing something I had. “Please, please God, do this for me.”

God had other ideas… I wasn’t very accepting of God’s other ideas. When He didn’t deliver I became angry and hurt. I developed a manner of thinking that God didn’t love me because he never gave me what I wanted. Ever…

Then A.A. tells me “No man, we saw, could believe in God and defy Him, too. Belief meant reliance, not defiance.”

Oh heck, I’m done… but wait!

“”In A.A. we saw the fruits of this belief: men and women spared from alcohol’s final catastrophe. We saw them meet and transcend their other pains and trials. We saw them calmly accept impossible situations, seeking neither to run nor to recriminate.”

There’s hope in those words! Maybe I’m not done after all?

“This was not only faith; it was faith that worked under all conditions. We soon concluded that whatever price in humility we must pay, we would pay.”

All Conditions!

From the previous page – “Self-righteousness, the very thing that we had contemptuously condemned in others, was our own besetting evil. This phony form of respectablilty was our undoing, so far as faith was concerned.”

Self-righteousness undid me and was phony!

I needed this today… heck, I need it right now.

Post from: Blisstree

Belief Meant Reliance Not Defiance

First Things First – You are not alone!

You are certainly not unique. I know you didn’t say you were. That is a point that others might need to consider within this context.

I can appreciate the feeling for compassion being offered. It is a better way to be, usually. Yet, there are times when offering compassion has the ability to kill. Doesn’t make sense, does it?

Back to what motivated me…

Your post from January 16th. “losing the love (caution: trigger alert)”

Please hear – this disease is exactly, precisely what it is described as: cunning, baffling and powerful. It is beyond our human comprehension especially when we are clean and sober only a short time. We do things according to a memory that are seemingly innocent things such as watch a TV show/movie. Who thinks things like ‘here I go, romancing the drink/drug again.” Yet, that is what we are doing.

When I was 5 months away from my last drink I did something so many others had done. I went back to one of my old watering holes. Confident. In reality, that confidence was false pride. Misleading me into thinking I could do something with some kind of “power” that I’d never been able to truly do before – choose to not drink. Would you like to know what prayer I said before I did this? Yeah, that’s the one – the one that makes no noise whatsoever, because it didn’t happen.

I Was Setting Myself Up!

We set ourselves up. Funny that no one talks about this in meetings anymore. Thank God I heard it when I was getting sober, by God’s grace!

I will put myself in harms’ way. I did it all the time when I was drinking. It is old behavior that takes time and a major psychic change to stop. I will do it again and again.

Unless I find a way not to do it.

Here – “This is the place I usually REFUSE to let my mind wander to — that very vision above. Now I won’t let my mind let it go. And it’s driving me crazy. It really is.”

We think we have the power to deal with our thinking. Not when it is the disease that’s doing the thinking. We can’t distinguish the true from the false. Who can?

Our Higher Power!!! This is one of the many ways we can make use of the Third Step to stay clean and sober. You’ve offered a perfect example of it.

It’s driving you crazy? Ask your God, your Higher Power to take your thinking from you. He has the power to deal with it! It won’t drive Him crazy! He knows it and understands its deviousness and can deal with it!

Let Go and Let God

Post from: Blisstree

It Works, It Really Does

Related to today’s earlier entry;

“A New Man”

“I tried to help this man. It was a humiliating experience. No one enjoys being a complete failure; it plays havoc with the ego. Nothing seemed to work. I brought him to meetings, and he sat there in a fog, and I knew that only the body was present. I went to his home, and either he was out drinking or he sailed out the back door as I entered the front one. His family was beginning to enter a period of real hardship; I could feel the hopelessness.

Then came the hospital episode, the last in his extraordinary record of hospitalizations. He went into D.T.’s and convulsions, so violent that he had to be shackled to the bed. He was in a coma and being fed intravenously. Each day that I visited him, he looked worse, impossible as that seemed. For six days, he lay unconscious, unmoving except for the periodic shakes.

On the seventh day, I again visited him. Passing by his room, I noticed that the restraints had been removed and the intravenous feeding tubes had been taken away. I felt elated. He was going to make it! The doctor and the floor nurse dashed my hopes. He was slipping fast.

After I had arranged to have his wife brought there, it occurred to me that he was a Catholic and certain rites should be observed. It was a Catholic hospital, so I wandered down the hall and located a nun (the mother superior, it later turned out). She notified a priest and, with another nun, accompanied me back to the room.

While the priest entered the room alone, the three of us decided to sit on the bench in the corridor. Without any prearrangement, all three of us bowed our heads and began to pray – the mother superior, the nun, and I, a Presbyterian ordained deacon.

I have no way of telling how much time we spent there. I know the priest had left and gone about his other duties. What brought us back to the immediate present was a movement we heard from the room. When we looked in, the patient was sitting on the side of the bed!

‘All right, God,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to be the quarterback any more. Tell me what You want me to do, and I will do it.’

The doctors later said that they had considered it physically impossible for him to move, much less sit up. And before this, he had not uttered a word since entering the hospital. The next statement he made was ‘I’m hungry.’

But the real miracle was what happened to him in the next ten years. He began helping people. I mean helping! No call has been too hard, too inconvenient, too ‘hopeless.’ He founded the A.A. group in his town, and he is embarrassed if you mention this to others or comment on the amount of A.A. work he is doing.

He is not the same man I was trying to twelfth-step. I failed in all my efforts to help the man I knew. And then Someone else provided a new man.”

From “Came To Believe” pgs 14-15 from someone in Bernardsville, New Jersey

Post from: Blisstree

Membership Doesn’t Include A Magic Wand

From “How It Works” pg. 60;

“Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

c) That God could and would if He were sought.”

There is an area where I was once as passionate as any newcomer to comply with “principles” and never waver from what I was told. It was a difficult lesson to learn that I was powerless over people, places and things and if someone wanted to drink, well, they were darn well going to do what they wanted to do. I would have!

The principle today is when someone you know comes and goes, comes and goes etc. etc. etc. You watch as they get worse. You can feel the desperation and the pain. Yet nothing changes. They keep coming and going. It keeps getting worse.

Hospitals. Ambulances. Police. Doctors. Priests. It runs the gamut. You begin to hear that the person’s health has reached a point where they’re on death’s door. Yet they keep drinking and you know, know, you can’t stop it.

There comes a day when a decision has to be made. A very, very tough decision. Very much like the situation with the mom I recently spoke with who’s son wouldn’t, couldn’t stop and she couldn’t fix him. You have to practice the steps for your own peace of mind! You Let Go! And – Let God!

Trouble is – a newcomer has entered the picture late and doesn’t know about all the other times. The newcomer doesn’t understand why you are not reaching out to this person. Didn’t see all the times you had reached out. And has been told repeatedly that when anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. The newcomer sees it one way.

First Things First. If the newcomer is willing to listen (sometimes they aren’t) point out;

a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. If I couldn’t manage my own life I certainly can’t manage this person’s life.

b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. I, we, are human powers. We are no better equipped to relieve anyone’s alcoholism than we were our own.

c) That God could and would if He were sought. Can I do anything more loving than to leave someone I care about in God’s hands?

It will require an effort to seek their God from that person (I believe). When you listen to, or look back on, the many stories in AA I think you’ll find that just about all of us, if not all, asked the God we understand for help in our own way before we arrived at these doors.

He also hears the prayers of others.

Post from: Blisstree

The ABC’s II