Last year I republished “Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence” from CoDA. These are the Recovery Patterns of Codependence.

Codependence

• Recovery

Denial Patterns

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

• I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment.

I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.

• I embrace my feelings as being valid and important. I am truthful with myself.

I perceive myself as being completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

• I keep the focus on my own well-being. I know the difference between caring and caretaking.

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Which can result in the Big Lie…

From “The Language of the Heart,” page 263;

“There are, nevertheless, certain occasions where reckless truth-telling may create widespread havoc and permanent damage to others. Whenever this seems possible, we are likely to find ourselves in a bad jam indeed. We shall be torn between two temptations. When conscience agonizes us enough, we may well cast all prudence and love to the winds. We may try to buy our freedom by telling the brutal truth, no matter who gets hurt or how much. But this is not the usual temptation. It is far more probable that we shall veer to the other extreme. We will paint for ourselves a most unrealistic picture of the awful damage we are about to inflict on others. By claiming great compassion and love for our supposed victims, we are getting set to tell the Big Lie - and be thoroughly comfortable about it, too.

When life presents us with a racking conflict like this, we cannot be altogether blamed if we are confused. In fact our very first responsibility is to admit that we are confused. We may have to confess that, for the time being, we have lost all ability to tell right from wrong. Most difficult, too, will be the admission that we cannot be certain of receiving God’s guidance because our prayers are so cluttered with wishful thinking. Surely this is the point at which we must seek the counsel of our finest friends. There is nowhere else to go.”

We don’t see the damage we are about to do because we are wrapped up in ourselves and delusional. That’s why we need the counsel of others before we act.

Notice the challenge of not distinguishing right from wrong?

AA.org provides organized Suggestions For Leading Beginners’ Meetings from which I draw the following;

What Kind Of Beginners’ Meetings Work Best?

“Many kinds have worked well. They range from small, unplanned, informal discussions, with newcomers doing most of the talking and a different leader each time, to large sessions, prearranged in a series, with one continuing leader giving prepared talks on specific A.A. subjects.

A combination of these two types seems to work best. Groups have found that newcomers’ chances of recovery are higher if they can actively take part in A.A. discussions as soon as possible—and that they also need someone with A.A. experience to tell them the essential facts about alcoholism and our program of recovery.

Therefore, many beginners meetings include both (1) a brief talk by the leader, for not more than twenty or thirty minutes in an hour meeting, and (2) discussion by all present.”

I’d ask my friends here in this area whether they thought the beginners we see are getting a chance to participate in A.A. discussions as soon as possible when what we’re doing is “first stepping” them silly with a First Step meeting each and every time a newcomer enters our rooms. Then, we almost neglect to even mention the First Step as we go around sharing our stories … “when I first came to AA etc.”

This writing tells us that AA’s experience is that the beginners’ chances of recovery are HIGHER if they actively take part as soon as possible! How can they do that when they have no experience staying sober? No experience with the steps? No experience with a sponsor? And we do all the talking at their first few meetings?

Buddy T. offers to help you at About.com.

Al-Anon Quiz - Are You Troubled By Someone’s Drinking?

“Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. Many times people who are close to alcoholics do not even realize how much they have been affected by someone else’s drinking.”

Buddy offers you this quiz to help you decide whether the Al-Anon Family groups might work for you.

One specific question that rings a bell with me - “Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?”

Buddy also offers you a resource for finding Al-Anon meetings in your local (USA) area. Follow this link.

Please don’t allow yourself to be misled by that person’s actions, non-actions, attitudes, demands, lies, manipulations, rationalizations, etc. There is help no matter what the perception of the current situation is. The help is there for you if the person with the alcohol problem is finding ways to avoid getting help.

For example, Take Paul’s comment today;

“the only way to get the help you need is to stop drinking, go into fits risking his own life or wait until a weekday. I have taken him to the doctors he has been told to go home and drink beer and slowly reduce the intake of alcohol. This very hard to do for a person who is alcohol dependent. I would not wish on my worst enemy as this has been going on for ten years.”

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This post is worthy of repetition. It recently came to the attention of a number of us that a gal in New York with 19 years clean in NA is “back out there.” She is loved by many, and knowing that she’s killing herself is being felt by those she helped. As yet, none of them have followed her, thank God. Please, these stories are real and true. Take them to heart. Alcoholism, addiction, kills people. [Originally posted June 15th, 2007]

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I’m paying attention. To Mary Christine. To dAAve. To a host of others. And I have to re-tell this story. A story I had the absolute pleasure of repeating to an “oldtimer” sitting on his time at a meeting here a few years back.

Many AA groups on Long Island have group anniversaries each year where they combine an eating meeting, a speaker and a dance afterwards. Really festive occasions.

A number of years ago, quite ordinarily as it had become, we began to hear the announcement, as usual, about this particular anniversary meeting and dance being held that month in our area. Not unusually, we were informed of the speaker and the speakers’ sobriety time. In this case the person coming to speak had 37 years sober. Heck, that impresses me!

It felt almost like a slow drumroll as the date closed in and I developed some excited anticipation as did many others. We arrived at the meeting place, did the usual hello’s, saw friends from other groups we hadn’t seen in a while, chit-chatted, and finally ate a fine meal furnished by many volunteers. Eventually the time came when we were asked to find our seats for the meeting and it began. First the readings, the obligatory stories about the group and its history, the announcements about coming events in the area then lastly, the introduction of tonight’s speaker. As I recall it wasn’t too long-winded. Just basically “so and so” from “their home town” who has graciously accepted the invitation to share their 37 years of experience, strength and hope with us this evening. Cool…

A well dressed lady approached the podium. I don’t think I was alone sensing something, something wrong. I’d seen a fair number of speakers approach the podium by now and this just wasn’t right. The suspense did not last long. Once she arrived at the mic, she stated her name like we do and then said something along the lines of “thank you all for inviting me to speak but I’m not sure you’ll want me to stay up here when you hear my first statement.” The feeling began to clear.

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While doing some research for the other Blog I write on here at b5 I came across this “letter to the editor.”

Quoting the writer;

“As a child I suffered from having an alcoholic mother. My only outlet was keeping a diary where I vented. Mother read it and retaliated. At the age of 15, I ran away from home, never to return. Fortunately, my older sister let me stay with them. Who knows what my life would have been like otherwise?”

And I felt that person’s anguish, instantly. Had I done the same thing and my father discovered it, I would also have been in a world of hurt. I too ran away but had no place to go and returned to more of the same.

There is a premise contained within these words that I’m personally certain derives from the disease alcoholism! That premise is that there was only one outlet…

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Notice that it doesn’t say “In Good Religious Health.”

“When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and spiritually.”

First things first - “Intelligence is not incompatible with humility, provided I place humility first… To be fashionable and to seem better than I really am is a spiritual illness.”

In my drinking life I could not put these two together. Why? Simply because the concept of humility was totally lost on me. To be humble was not within my understanding. I was either less than, far worse, or far better because, if not, I was worthless. Absolutely convoluted…

“To recognize and to admit my weaknesses is the beginning of good spiritual health.”

Funny, but at this moment as I write those words it comes to me that no one in all those religious instruction classes ever said anything about spiritual health.

“It is a sign of spiritual health to be able to ask God every day to enlighten me, to recognize His will, and to have the strength to execute it.”

Do you recall, provided you had religious training in your childhood, being taught anything like this?

“My spiritual health is excellent when I realize that the better I get, the more I discover how much help I need from others.”

Wow - help from others, what a concept!

Theses entries have been, and remain, at the top of the statistics for most viewed every month here at A Dozen Steps…

Nonsense Gods of Recovery

“Covers the origins of what I call the “nonsense gods of recovery” that have crept into our fellowship…Alcoholics may be sick but they are not stupid… Demonstrating the absurdity of the weird names counselors, therapists, and treatment people–as well as AA’s – have assigned to “their” deity… These include tree, light bulb, radiator, Gertrude, Ralph, Coke bottle, Pumpkin, and on and on.”

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Ever have one of those days???

“Some will object to many of the questions posed, because they think their own character defects have not been so glaring. To these it can be suggested that a conscientious examination is likely to reveal the very defects the objectionable questions are concerned with. Because our surface record hasn’t looked too bad, we have frequently been abashed to find that this is so simply because we have buried these self-same defects deep down in us under thick layers of self-justification. Whatever the defects, they have finally ambushed us into alcoholism and misery.” 12 & 12, pgs 53-54

Hence, (I believe), the “profundity” if you spot it, you got it.

Then… another “no co-incidence.” Going back a few readings and meditations to see what else relates to Oscar the Grouch for a day, I find this;

“During the times I didn’t have love in my life I most assuredly had fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In looking back, I realize that, during the times I feared God most, there was no joy in my life. As I learned not to fear God, I also learned to experience joy.”

An answer… how about that?

[Graphic credit to 123Posters]