Codependence

• Recovery

Denial Patterns

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

• I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment.

I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.

• I embrace my feelings as being valid and important. I am truthful with myself.

I perceive myself as being completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

• I keep the focus on my own well-being. I know the difference between caring and caretaking.

Low Self-Esteem Patterns

I have difficulty making decisions.

• I trust my ability to make effective decisions.

I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never “good enough.”

• I accept myself as I am. I emphasize progress over perfection.

I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.

• I feel appropriately worthy of the recognition, praise, or gifts I receive

I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.

• I meet my own needs and wants when possible. I reach out for help when it’s necessary and appropriate.

I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.

• I have confidence in myself. I no longer seek others’ approval of my thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

• I recognize myself as being a lovable and valuable person.

Compliance Patterns

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.

• I am rooted in my own values, even if others don’t agree or become angry.

I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.

• I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others.

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

• I am committed to my safety and recovery work. I leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals.

I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.

• I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately.

I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.

• I consider my own interests first when asked to participate in another’s plans.

I accept sex when I want love.

• My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. I know the difference between lust and love.

Control Patterns

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

• I realize that, with rare exceptions, other adults are capable of managing their own lives. My job is to let them.

I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.

• I accept and value the differing thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others.

I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

• I feel comfortable when I see others take care of themselves.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

• I am a compassionate and empathic listener, giving advice only if directly asked.

I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

• I carefully and honestly contemplate my motivations when preparing to give a gift.

I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

• I feel loved and accepted for myself, just the way I am.

I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

• I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance.

[Recovery Patterns of Codependence is reprinted from the website www.CoDA.org with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA, Inc). Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA, Inc. agrees with the views expressed herein. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.]

Copyright © 1998 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Incorporated and its licensors – All Rights Reserved

Post from: Blisstree

Recovery Patterns of Codependence

From “The Language of the Heart,” page 263;

“There are, nevertheless, certain occasions where reckless truth-telling may create widespread havoc and permanent damage to others. Whenever this seems possible, we are likely to find ourselves in a bad jam indeed. We shall be torn between two temptations. When conscience agonizes us enough, we may well cast all prudence and love to the winds. We may try to buy our freedom by telling the brutal truth, no matter who gets hurt or how much. But this is not the usual temptation. It is far more probable that we shall veer to the other extreme. We will paint for ourselves a most unrealistic picture of the awful damage we are about to inflict on others. By claiming great compassion and love for our supposed victims, we are getting set to tell the Big Lie – and be thoroughly comfortable about it, too.

When life presents us with a racking conflict like this, we cannot be altogether blamed if we are confused. In fact our very first responsibility is to admit that we are confused. We may have to confess that, for the time being, we have lost all ability to tell right from wrong. Most difficult, too, will be the admission that we cannot be certain of receiving God’s guidance because our prayers are so cluttered with wishful thinking. Surely this is the point at which we must seek the counsel of our finest friends. There is nowhere else to go.”

We don’t see the damage we are about to do because we are wrapped up in ourselves and delusional. That’s why we need the counsel of others before we act.

Notice the challenge of not distinguishing right from wrong?

Post from: Blisstree

Prayers Cluttered With Wishful Thinking

What Kind Of Beginners’ Meetings Work Best?

“Many kinds have worked well. They range from small, unplanned, informal discussions, with newcomers doing most of the talking and a different leader each time, to large sessions, prearranged in a series, with one continuing leader giving prepared talks on specific A.A. subjects.

A combination of these two types seems to work best. Groups have found that newcomers’ chances of recovery are higher if they can actively take part in A.A. discussions as soon as possible—and that they also need someone with A.A. experience to tell them the essential facts about alcoholism and our program of recovery.

Therefore, many beginners meetings include both (1) a brief talk by the leader, for not more than twenty or thirty minutes in an hour meeting, and (2) discussion by all present.”

I’d ask my friends here in this area whether they thought the beginners we see are getting a chance to participate in A.A. discussions as soon as possible when what we’re doing is “first stepping” them silly with a First Step meeting each and every time a newcomer enters our rooms. Then, we almost neglect to even mention the First Step as we go around sharing our stories … “when I first came to AA etc.”

This writing tells us that AA’s experience is that the beginners’ chances of recovery are HIGHER if they actively take part as soon as possible! How can they do that when they have no experience staying sober? No experience with the steps? No experience with a sponsor? And we do all the talking at their first few meetings?

Post from: Blisstree

What Kind Of Beginners’ Meetings Work Best?

Al-Anon Quiz – Are You Troubled By Someone’s Drinking?

“Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. Many times people who are close to alcoholics do not even realize how much they have been affected by someone else’s drinking.”

Buddy offers you this quiz to help you decide whether the Al-Anon Family groups might work for you.

One specific question that rings a bell with me – “Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?”

Buddy also offers you a resource for finding Al-Anon meetings in your local (USA) area. Follow this link.

Post from: Blisstree

Affected By The Drinking Of Someone Close To You?

For example, Take Paul’s comment today;

“the only way to get the help you need is to stop drinking, go into fits risking his own life or wait until a weekday. I have taken him to the doctors he has been told to go home and drink beer and slowly reduce the intake of alcohol. This very hard to do for a person who is alcohol dependent. I would not wish on my worst enemy as this has been going on for ten years.”

Now, other than the fact that this comment and I have a credibility problem – the original spelling and punctuation are extremely familiar to a comment spammer attempting to gain access and approval – there are points to be considered.

1. - It is simply not true that you have to risk fits/seizures.
2. - I’d suggest you find another doctor, one familiar with alcoholism. That advice is ludicrous.
3. - This person has you convinced it is hard for him to stop. Not true if he wants to.
4. - I would think that after ten years you might seriously want to consider going to Al-Anon.

A family member affected by an alcoholic family member’s drinking cannot stop the other person’s drinking no matter how powerful you think you may be. Al-Anon will help you learn how to change yourself to better deal with this person and not be as affected. To get healthier mentally and emotionally. Please try it.

Post from: Blisstree

If Your Life Is Being Affected By A Relative With An Alcohol Problem

****************************************

I’m paying attention. To Mary Christine. To dAAve. To a host of others. And I have to re-tell this story. A story I had the absolute pleasure of repeating to an “oldtimer” sitting on his time at a meeting here a few years back.

Many AA groups on Long Island have group anniversaries each year where they combine an eating meeting, a speaker and a dance afterwards. Really festive occasions.

A number of years ago, quite ordinarily as it had become, we began to hear the announcement, as usual, about this particular anniversary meeting and dance being held that month in our area. Not unusually, we were informed of the speaker and the speakers’ sobriety time. In this case the person coming to speak had 37 years sober. Heck, that impresses me!

It felt almost like a slow drumroll as the date closed in and I developed some excited anticipation as did many others. We arrived at the meeting place, did the usual hello’s, saw friends from other groups we hadn’t seen in a while, chit-chatted, and finally ate a fine meal furnished by many volunteers. Eventually the time came when we were asked to find our seats for the meeting and it began. First the readings, the obligatory stories about the group and its history, the announcements about coming events in the area then lastly, the introduction of tonight’s speaker. As I recall it wasn’t too long-winded. Just basically “so and so” from “their home town” who has graciously accepted the invitation to share their 37 years of experience, strength and hope with us this evening. Cool…

A well dressed lady approached the podium. I don’t think I was alone sensing something, something wrong. I’d seen a fair number of speakers approach the podium by now and this just wasn’t right. The suspense did not last long. Once she arrived at the mic, she stated her name like we do and then said something along the lines of “thank you all for inviting me to speak but I’m not sure you’ll want me to stay up here when you hear my first statement.” The feeling began to clear.

Next she offered what amounted to an admission and an apology, saying she knew we expected to hear someone with 37 years sobriety tonight but that she was no longer that person because as of that day she then had 114 days. Wow…

I guess I might say that I’m thankful everyone was too stunned to react poorly because what happened then is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in recovery. She proceeded to ask permission, receiving it without sound, to tell us exactly how this came about. And then she explained in detail how she worked the program backwards, beginning with cutting back on meetings.

Mary Christine tells us about a man who slowly stopped going to meetings and what he thought as the process grew worse in his head. This sounds soooo similar to what we heard that night years ago and I’ve not forgotten it. I’m not very good at telling jokes, perhaps dAAve has this one in his arsenal – about the alkie who got a flat on a lonely country road, had no jack, saw a farm house a quarter mile away, walked towards the farm house and went through so many negative thoughts that by the time he got to the front door to ask for help with his flat tire he instead cussed the farmer out and told him to keep his f**ing jack!

That ladies’ story about how she worked herself, thought herself, right out of recovery into her next drink is a story I never want to forget. I can’t retell it in its entirety simply because you’d have had to have been there to truly understand. Myself and about 250 others were there.

The deal is to never, ever rest on our laurels because alcohol is a subtle foe! No matter how much sober time I may have I am only one stinking thought (f it) away from that next drink. For me, what has become of paramount importance, is to maintain a conscious contact with the God I understand (the one who loves me unconditionally) and tell that God each and every day that I am thankful for the gift of sobriety and I will do what I can to pass it on. I will continue to make meetings, no matter what. BTW – for those of you who don’t know (and without an explanation except for – this is about to change, thankfully) I make 3-5 meetings a week and haven’t had a drivers license for almost 8 years. Please, don’t go anywhere near telling me or anyone similar to me that you are having trouble making it to meetings. That is just a lame excuse!

I have no idea what has happened to that lady but I certainly owe her a debt of gratitude (and that group for letting her talk) for what she said that night. You never know where what you need will come from…

Post from: Blisstree

37 Years – 114 Days

Quoting the writer;

“As a child I suffered from having an alcoholic mother. My only outlet was keeping a diary where I vented. Mother read it and retaliated. At the age of 15, I ran away from home, never to return. Fortunately, my older sister let me stay with them. Who knows what my life would have been like otherwise?”

And I felt that person’s anguish, instantly. Had I done the same thing and my father discovered it, I would also have been in a world of hurt. I too ran away but had no place to go and returned to more of the same.

There is a premise contained within these words that I’m personally certain derives from the disease alcoholism! That premise is that there was only one outlet…

Simply not true – yet we can’t see the truth because we’re locked into such a delusional situation. At least, in hindsight, that is what I can now see.

No one ever told me there was another way. At the time I was a child the world perceived these situations differently. They were swept under the rug never to see the light of day. Heaven forbid they were talked about. But that’s what I think now! I’m certain there were other things I might have done as a child but I didn’t have the information.

The conscience of humanity ran just as deep then as it does today. The information is in the open. It is brought to the public like never before – but it was there then too! Alcoholism kept it secret through fear. And no one needs to live like that anymore!!!

If you’re a child, or you know of a child, living in similar situations, bring the information about resources available to them – to them! Howard offered some valid thoughts in his response;

“the writer may have been trying to say that some things are best not written about. If so, that only helps to continue the dysfunction since an alcoholic environment sends out these warnings: “Don’t talk!” “Don’t think.” “Don’t feel.” “Don’t trust.”

That is precisely what the disease wants… so know the truth – you can Talk! Think! Feel! Find Someone To Trust!!!

Post from: Blisstree

In Hindsight Re: Alcoholic Parents

“When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and spiritually.”

First things first – “Intelligence is not incompatible with humility, provided I place humility first… To be fashionable and to seem better than I really am is a spiritual illness.”

In my drinking life I could not put these two together. Why? Simply because the concept of humility was totally lost on me. To be humble was not within my understanding. I was either less than, far worse, or far better because, if not, I was worthless. Absolutely convoluted…

“To recognize and to admit my weaknesses is the beginning of good spiritual health.”

Funny, but at this moment as I write those words it comes to me that no one in all those religious instruction classes ever said anything about spiritual health.

“It is a sign of spiritual health to be able to ask God every day to enlighten me, to recognize His will, and to have the strength to execute it.”

Do you recall, provided you had religious training in your childhood, being taught anything like this?

“My spiritual health is excellent when I realize that the better I get, the more I discover how much help I need from others.”

Wow – help from others, what a concept!

Post from: Blisstree

Acting In Good Spiritual Health

Nonsense Gods of Recovery

“Covers the origins of what I call the “nonsense gods of recovery” that have crept into our fellowship…Alcoholics may be sick but they are not stupid… Demonstrating the absurdity of the weird names counselors, therapists, and treatment people–as well as AA’s – have assigned to “their” deity… These include tree, light bulb, radiator, Gertrude, Ralph, Coke bottle, Pumpkin, and on and on.”

On Topic and Timely

“We can try to stop making unreasonable demands upon those we love. We can show kindness where we had shown none. With those we dislike we can begin to practice justice and courtesy, perhaps going out of our way to understand and help them.”

Priorities Son, Priorities

“If a phone call is more important to you than your sobriety when you’re at an AA meeting then you might as well go out and get drunk.”

The Circle and Triangle Symbol

“The circle and triangle is not ‘banned by A.A.,’ just discontinued since 1993 as a trademark.”

A Functional Alcoholic?

Just exactly what about unmanageable, what about obsession for destructive drinking, relates to “functional?”

Post from: Blisstree

Top Five All-Time Posts

“Some will object to many of the questions posed, because they think their own character defects have not been so glaring. To these it can be suggested that a conscientious examination is likely to reveal the very defects the objectionable questions are concerned with. Because our surface record hasn’t looked too bad, we have frequently been abashed to find that this is so simply because we have buried these self-same defects deep down in us under thick layers of self-justification. Whatever the defects, they have finally ambushed us into alcoholism and misery.” 12 & 12, pgs 53-54

Hence, (I believe), the “profundity” if you spot it, you got it.

Then… another “no co-incidence.” Going back a few readings and meditations to see what else relates to Oscar the Grouch for a day, I find this;

“During the times I didn’t have love in my life I most assuredly had fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In looking back, I realize that, during the times I feared God most, there was no joy in my life. As I learned not to fear God, I also learned to experience joy.”

An answer… how about that?

[Graphic credit to 123Posters]

Post from: Blisstree

“Go away and LEAVE ME ALONE!!”