The Debate Goes On
January 23, 2007 by Karen Weideman
Filed under family, financial matters
Did you see today’s Oprah show? The show was titled “My Baby or My Job: Why Elizabeth Vargas Stepped Down”. Mrs. Vargas told her story of why she stepped down from a prestigious career as a news anchor. She continues to work in journalism, but her job and hours are not as demanding. She did this because she wanted to be around more for her children. And the debate goes on . . .
Working moms and stay-at-home moms are so critical of one another. Working moms seem to think that stay-at-home moms sit around all day and eat bon-bons while watching tv. Stay-at-home moms sometimes think that working moms don’t love their children enough, they’re more concerned with their careers, or they aren’t willing to make sacrifices for the family.
I am a working mom, but I have stepped back from my career right now while the kids are young. When my daughter was 14 months old, I went back to work teaching part-time at a preschool. When my son was 7 months old I went back to the same type of job. I have taken a huge cut in pay and this is a hard decision. I am with my kids a lot! Sometimes I wish I could be like a working mom so that I could send my kids away for a little while each day, just for the fact that they wouldn’t get on my nerves so much and that I could appreciate them more. I also miss the health insurance and other great benefits, including retirement.
Work expenses are something that I had to consider when I decided to be a part-time stay-at-home mom. I figured by the time I paid for childcare for 2 children, clothing, gas, and vehicle expenses, I would be clearing about the same amount of money that I’m getting now. Perhaps it might be a little more, but it wouldn’t be much.
I am very fortunate. I work at the preschool that my kids attend. They go to work with me each day. I take them to their class and they leave with me when I’m done. And right now, my daughter is in my class since we’re short-staffed. I am truly thankful that I have found something that works for my family.
On the Oprah show today there was a debate as to whether or not women could have it all. Oprah said something great. She said, “You can have it all. You just can’t have it all right now.”
And the debate goes on. Tell us what you think about working vs stay-at-home moms.
Well, my opinion is that stay-at-home moms are working moms and often do three (or more) times the work of the moms who get to work outside the home. A “working” mom gets to do just one job for the majority of the day while the stay-at-home mom has to perform in at LEAST 3 roles at all times: mother, cook, maid. There is so much more to staying at home than people who have not done it can ever realize. On the other hand, I know there are challenges associated with working outside the home as well.
I have been both a full time stay at home mom, worked part-time with young children and worked full time. There is no comparison to how much more difficult working and then coming home to complete at Least the 3 roles you decussed, maid, cook, mother but only having evening hours to do it instead of when I had the entire day. I’m assuming you must never had the 2 situations to compare. But bottom line each should do what works for their family without everyone feeling the need to complain about how much more difficult they have it. No one truly knows what anothers life is like.
I have the utmost respect for working moms. I don’t know how they do it all? I work outside the home 2-3 days a week and am home the other days and I still can’t keep up with laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc… Working moms work outside the home and still have to do everything I do when I am home during the day. And then when they come home, they are tired and only want to eat something really quick and hang out with the kids until they go to bed.
But my sister put it very well when she said that you have to remember, when working mom comes home, that house is exactly how she left it. When a dad comes home to a house with a stay at home mom, the house has been lived in, played in, and torn up all day long. So that house will be just as messy as if it were a Saturday.
I see both sides of the coin and pray that I can be a full time mom some day. I think, for me, the perfect balance is preschool a couple of days a week so that my DD gets outside play time while enjoying being at home with mommy sometimes.
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Revka: I agree. Stay-at-home moms are working moms. It is a very tiring job. It seems you never get a break.
Kelly: I will agree that my house looks better on the days I’m working. The kids come home from school and take a nap and then they get up and play or watch tv. My toddler is good at destroying a house quickly, but it’s not as bad as the days we’re home all day.
I wish I could afford to stay-at-home and send my kids to preschool a few hours a week. That would give me a break, allow me to get things done, and give them the interaction with other children that they need.
Someone at my MOPS group said a wise thing about this whole SAHM/WOHM debate: Why do we need another reasons to separate ourselves? Are we not all moms? Do we not all love our children and try to care for them the best way that we can? Why set up another division when maybe we can better spend our time by helping each other in this scary job called “parenting.”
And, Oprah made a good point. We’ll all probably (except the richest or least well off) slip in and out of jobs and roles just to do whatever it takes to raise our kids.
I have an unusual combination of working outside, inside and staying at home.
For six to twelve weeks I work outside the home for 4 to 7 hours a day and in my home office for 2 to 6 hours a day. I usually have about 6 weeks off after each course I teach and work only from home then either here in Germany or with family in one of our other countries (it sounds glamourous, but it’s not).
Regardless of my “work schedule” I spend time with my kids from the time we get home (around 4, until they go to bed at around 8;30) and work once they’re asleep. My husband and I split the housework, but I basically do the cooking and dishes while he does laundry.
I’m way too tired for any kind of debate.
LOL Kate. I am too tired to debate too. We had FOUR doctor’s appointments with the kids today. My 18 month old was about to make me insane. He was wild and restless. We are finally home and the kids are napping. I think I need a nap from all the drama! And also, I’m glad your husband shares the duties with you.
I think the only sad thing about this topic is that it is treated like a debate. Everyone feels the other has to be wrong for them to be right when it’s all about points of view. Timing is critical in all things. As moms, women, sisters…we NEED each other and the love and support only a woman who’s been there can give. ;o)
Hugs,
Holly
Holly’s Corner
Here via the Carnival of Family Life. ;o)
It’s funny–I’m really a work-at-home mom, but I always think of myself as a stay-at-home mom. My mother was a SAHM and I grew up in a religious tradition that really expects you to stay at home with your kids. (It’s also really cheap!) I always expected to become a SAHM. And now I’m all “angsty”–what am I doing with MY life? Where is MY life going?
Since I lost my WAH job in December, I’ve been really thinking about my alternatives. I really want to get a PhD, but I always have to remind myself that I need to wait. I’d probably go crazy with kids and that workload!
Thanks for giving the summary here; I really wanted to see this Oprah, but I missed it. I absolutely agree with Oprah: I’ll have everything I want out of life, just not all at once. And isn’t it better (and easier!) that way?
Jordan (via the Carnival of Family Life)
Thanks for your comments. I wish this weren’t a debate, but it is. It is a fact that moms are very critical of one another. We should be the greatest support system for each other. You just don’t know what someone is going through until you’ve walked in their shoes. It is easy to judge a mom whose child is having a temper tantrum in the store. Some may think the mom doesn’t have control over her children. In reality the child could be sick, not had their nap, or could possibly have special needs.
I am not here to say which choice is right for your family. I realize some moms have to work. I also realize some moms say they have to work because they couldn’t afford to stay home, but they spend more on clothing, car payments, and gadgets than my husband makes in a year. Just some things to think about.
I choose to live my life in a thrifty way that cuts back on costs of living. I want to pass those ideas on to others. This is the way I was raised and I cannot imagine my life any other way.
P.S. Jordan, Yes, it is easier that way. I don’t think you can have everything at once.
I have been both a working mom and a stay-at-home (but actually work-at-home) Mom. I wrote a post about it at my blog.
My question is why can’t we just allow others to have their life and live our life the best way we can?
There shouldn’t even be a debate! Everyone should just be allowed to live their own life the best they can.
Thanks for your comments Karen. This is a subject that many people are passionate about. I guess when you are passionate about something, it is hard to keep quiet.