Have you ever read Dear Margo? Margo Howard is the daughter Ann Landers and she writes the same sort of advice column that Ann was famous for.

I read Ann Landers, Dear Abby, and pretty much any other advice columnist that I could get find back in the day. I’m not sure if it was the advice itself or the people telling their troubles that interested me the most. (Probably the troubles - I am naturally nosey). 

I was reading a recent column that covered a husband having an emotional affair with his boss. The emotional affair has the man - married 25 years - spending most of his time with a boss that he admits to feeling an attraction for. He buys her gifts, they spend off-time during the weekend together, they go out for drinks after work, alone. I get the impression that believing that this affair is merely emotional is wishful thinking. It sounds like that is his way of safely explaining the time spent with the boss. He has it out in the open so wife can’t “discover” it and freak out. Wow. That sucks. This cheater sounds either very devious, very smart, and like a real ass.

This emotional affair, with a co-worker, it’s  the next big thing in cheating. People work together they build bonds, they have a team-mentality, and one thing leads to another.

How do people avoid affairs?  How do you keep your partner from cheating?  You can’t, can you? Either they want to be with you and they want to honor that commitment or they don’t.

Sometimes I think about cheating and I wonder if there’s more opportunity to cheat these days or if people simply have a weaker will, a looser set of morals than they used to have. Or possibly cheating happens at the same rate that it always has.

What do you think? If anyone has anything to say, I’d be very interested in your opinion.

Image credit: Sxc.hu

Sexy lingerie retailer Agent Provocateur is having their annual sale with most items up to 50% off.  Agent Provocateur has a wide range of lingerie ranging from highly provocative ensembles (imagine the type that are paired with a whip) to classy corsets and suspenders.

Sometimes I think a woman just needs to indulge and buy beautiful expensive lingerie for herself.  It doesn’t matter if you have someone to wear it for, it’s just important to feel confident and sexy in your own body.  If you find yourself wearing flannel pajama pants to bed every night, consider the idea of treating yourself to a sexy ensemble to explore that hidden side of yourself…you never know how it might make you feel.

AP Frankie Halterneck Waistcoat and High-Waisted Brief

I love this understated tuxedo style vest and briefs with suspenders.  It’s sexy without showing too much skin and I think it would also look great layered under a jacket and skirt.

AP Jesse Basque Corset and Suspenders

I love the simplicity of this corset with black lace and purple satin.  The tiny polka dots have a retro and girly feel.

AP Gwendoline Red Corset

The red corset is always flattering and sexy.  This one is in taffeta with silver fastenings and lacing up the back.

You can see the entire sale online at Agent Provocateur.

I’m sure that it’s happened in my own relationships and I see it in relationships all around me all the time.  My observations might fall into some gender stereotypes, but when I see I pattern I just need to call attention to it and find out if other people feel the same way.  I am addressing this from a woman’s viewpoint, but the same situation could definitely exist in the reverse for a man.

If you have been in a serious relationship for a long time you probably think that it is moving towards engagement and marriage.  As the years tick by on your relationship calendar and you take significant steps forward (like moving in together, meeting each other’s families, taking vacations together, and adopting pets) you naturally just develop feelings towards lifelong commitment.

The common problem that I have been noticing is the feeling of waiting.  Due to stereotypes about the male “inability to commit” women find themselves suppressing their feelings of wanting to get married.  They fear that even bringing up the issue will push their man away and they will lose the relationship completely.  What does this mean for a relationship?

It means that there is unaddressed tension between the man and woman because they are not discussing their future in an open way and they are not being honest about their inentions with one another.

In this situation I think women should just put it all out in the open.  If they completely intend to marry their boyfriend, they should let him know.  Obviously don’t jump to this step too soon, but it is important to be honest so you don’t find yourself waiting for something that will never happen.

If you find that you have a definite feeling of “waiting” in your relationship, then do something about it!  Stop waiting for him to make a decision about your future together.  Don’t be too intense about it, but do have a talk. It may be the scariest thing in the world to imagine your boyfriend telling you that he never wants to marry you, but if that is the absolute truth then you need to find out and start moving on.

But in many cases you will be happy to find that it’s the opposite…guys just need a little push sometimes.  They need you to put that idea in their head and help them to realize that the time has come to make movements towards the next step.  It won’t be a quick or easy conversation that wraps up everything in a bow, but you shouldn’t keep waiting…you should start the communication now.

Being on the same page is extremely important in a relationship and finding out what your individual plans are for your future is a good way to make sure your lives are going in a healthy direction.

Image: sxc

I finally watched the award-winning movie Revolutionary Road.  The film stars Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio as a young married couple living in a suburb of New York in the 1950’s.  The two extremely talented actors portray a tense husband and wife who address the challenges that come when they find that their life decisions have traveled in a direction that they never really intended them to.

Image: Zuma Press

I didn’t really know what to expect when I started this movie, but I have to say that I was extremely impressed.  The movie uses the art of conversation to expose insecurities and confusion that arise in a marriage.  I felt that the film was almost Shakespearean in the way that the archetypal characters delivered heart-wrenching monologues expressing frustration and confused emotions.  The characters and their interactions were truly brilliant.  A mentally ill neighbor pops in at key moments and delivers lines of brutal honesty to the couple about the lack of truthfulness and happiness in their relationship.

Although the movie is depressing in its portrayal of married life, it does expose the real challenges that men and women face when they find themselves trapped in a life of mortages, child-rearing, monotonous work days, and household chores.

If you are in a serious relationship, I strongly recommend watching this movie with your significant other or spouse and having a conversation about it.  Your reactions to the characters may bring ideas to the surface that would be worthwhile to discuss.  The movie brings up issues about the difference between male and female roles in a family and the contrast between being emotional detachment and complete expression of extreme emotions.

Just as the characters in Revolutionary Road struggle with communication in their relationship, I encourage movie-watchers to explore the best ways to communicate with their partner in order to understand and help one another when they are going through a difficult or transitional period.  Successful communication is the key to a healthy and balanced relationship.

Revolutionary Road is now available on DVD.

Scarlet, my actively online-dating friend, had another dating adventure this week. While visiting  “back home,” an older brother of a guy we grew up with made a tentative dinner date with her. They had previously chatted (briefly) on Singlesnet.com, but only in a friendly way, not flirty. She was not impressed with his inability to commit to a time or place.

Scarlet asked around and heard that he was “a pretty boy,” “too old,” and had “man boobs,” so when her mom hurt her wrist, she was presented with the perfect excuse to cancel the date. “Canceling” meant she just didn’t call him back.

He called her the next day with a “Thanks a lot, you missed a wonderful time at the lake,” which was funny because he never invited her to the lake in the first place. He must have been confusing her with a different date.

She swore off online dating again, as in “Michelle I am so done with that,” and then some guy from her list of Facebook friends asked her out. What is this woman’s secret?  Every time she turns around, she gets asked out. And I mean that literally, as one of the men who asked her out did so after driving by her in a parking lot - she was chatting with coworkers and he liked her ass.

Here’s what she has to say about the cancelation, “I did not want to be a hook up. Man boobs aside, a man should make a date-date, not a ‘call me and we’ll hook up,’ offer. If a man wants to date you, he puts more effort into it than that. ”

That makes a lot of sense to me. Good manners go a long way toward making the right impression.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

One of the things that I do not like about being in a long distance relationship is spending the holidays without my partner. Sometimes I feel like I will never have the kind of relationship that other people take for granted. Then, I get disgusted with myself for being so poor-me.

I had a good 4th of July holiday. I enjoyed my family and my friends stopped by for a visit in the evening, but I could not help wishing for a different sort of day next year. I’d like someone to plan with and shop with and cook with. I’d like my man with me when we are sitting on the patio, laughing with our friends. I want a family that includes a partner.

I’ve spent almost the entirety of my adult life single. I liked being single, appreciated the simplicity of it, the lack of hassle, the independence, but after a few years of that I decided that I was ready for something more. I began dating and was involved in first one, then this long distance relationship. Today, I am feeling a bit lonely and discouraged. How long does it have to be this way?  How long until we have even a short visit together again?  It bothers me that I feel uncomfortable asking those sort of questions.  Communication is important.

When I get like this, and I do get like this sometimes, I’m only human, I try to think of the long term goals that I have for my relationship. I try to remember that the absence won’t last forever, that it will be worth it when we are together again, but it’s hard to think that way when those ideas are abstract, when there’s no plan in place.  I don’t operate well with a completely open-ended future. I’m the kind of person who needs to work toward a goal. My life is full of a lot of uncertainty and I need some things to be constant or safe. This is one of those things.  

I think it’s time to concentrate on the things that I can control. I need to get my home better organized, work on my budget. Bay needs to practice driving and Sarah is teaching me the guitar. Max has some medical appointments and that requires my complete attention.

Hopefully the relationship stuff will fall into place. I know that my boyfriend cares for me. I will do my best to be more patient. 

And my next post will be more peppy. I promise.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Have you heard about the police chef in Ohio who was caught on video “canoodling” with another officer, while in a police cruiser and on the job?  And there was a prisoner in the back seat. From what I saw of the video, they don’t really do much, just kissing,  cuddling, but both officers are married. He’s 57 and she’s 30.

On the day that the video was taken, June 2, the two officers were driving back from Cincinnati, where they picked up a burglary suspect, to their town of Perry Township, 50 miles away. In the video, the female officer is seen checking to make sure that the suspect in the back seat was asleep. The dashboard camera’s red light, that signals that it is active and on, was tampered with, so the officers did not know that they were being taped. An anonymous tip brought the tape to attention.

Have you ever been involved with a co-worker?  Either while single or in a relationship?  Have you been tempted?

When I was very young (19) I was engaged and my boyfriend was away at boot camp. While he was gone, I went down to Southern California to live with my dad for a few months. I worked in a restaurant there and a guy that I worked with seemed to find my engagement a challenge. He worked me day after day, in an attempt to get me to cheat on my fiance, but I never did. One time, after a particularly bad argument with the fiance (we argued a lot an he is now married to someone else - I believe happily and for a long time 18+ years), I thought, hey why not, maybe I should do it just this once. I did not follow through with it, I did not cheat at that time.

People spend a lot of time at work and they form connections with the folks they spend that time with.  Sometimes these connections are a distraction and a way to escape the stress or even boredom of Real Life. In the case of my restaurant boy, I was lonely and young, away from my friends at that time, and this boy was very cute. It was tempting, but cheating sucks and I have rarely even come close to doing it.

I’d like to say that I’ve never done it, but that would not be completely honest and I’ve made a habit of being honest with you readers.  I did make a few mistakes in the past (way, way, way in the past), but they were not with someone at work (which does mean that it was alright). These days, nothing could be farther from my mind. The boyfriend that I have is all that I can handle.

Being in a committed relationship is like a job in that you have to work at it every day. You have to remind yourself what you are there for and reaffirm your commitment. You have to be a good co-worker or you run the risk of a bad performance review or possible termination - I’m talking divorce or breakup here, not death.

“Canoodling.” Isn’t that a silly word? 

Image credit: Sxc.hu

You may not be a big American history buff, but you can still appreciate the wonderful cultural tradition that is the Fourth of July.  Holidays like this are a great time for meaningful bonding with friends and family.

I love American holidays for their celebration of families and traditions.  National holidays provide a day off so hopefully there can be that one special day when fathers and mothers get to spend time with their children, and friends and family can travel across long distances to see each other for a special weekend.

If you have are having a Fourth of July celebration, make a special effort to include friends who may not have anyone else to celebrate with.  The summer is finally here and we should all just relax for a day and embrace the happiness that surrounds a social atmosphere.

I think Fourth of July traditions have a lot to do with open-mindedness and everyone coming together to appreciate the country that we share.

Image: Flickr Jesse Michael Nix

Sometimes it’s hard to decipher your relationship with your boyfriend’s guy friends.  A lot of times your natural instinct results in some bad behavior, but if you determine the balance in the situation then you can keep the situation under control.  There are lots of elements that make this a delicate situation, but I think that it’s very important to address it correctly to ensure a good balance in your relationship.

• Gaining Approval - You obviously want the guy friends to like you.  You know their opinion matters, so you want it to be a positive one.  But the stress that comes with that usually makes it really difficult to act yourself around them.  Focus on being relaxed and don’t go overboard with trying to impress them.  A small impression is better than a bad one, so don’t work too hard at getting them to like you…you will end up not acting like yourself.  If you are loving and good to your boyfriend, then their approval is irrelevant.

• Possessiveness - A lot of times you will feel like you want your boyfriend all to yourself.  Why does he need time with his friends without you?  Can’t you all hangout together?  It is a healthy part of a relationship to develop some independence.  There are things that he enjoys with the guys that you probably don’t enjoy in the same way, so give him space.  You will want some times with your girlfriends without him around as well!

• Detective Work - Be careful not to use your boyfriend’s friends as a way to find out about his exes and his past.  If he hasn’t shared something with you, then it’s not a good idea to try to find out from his friends…it will just create a completely messy situation for everyone involved.  Their loyalty is to him not you, so everyone will be confused and angry and suspicious.  Yes, they have probably known him for a long time and know lots of tidbits about him that you will never know, but leave the past in the past.

The relationship you have with your boyfriend’s guy friends is important to maintain in a healthy and balanced way.  Most importantly just love your boyfriend for being a good friend to his friends by respecting his time alone with them.

Image: sxc.hu

Sometimes I hear the kids arguing and one of them will use a word or phrase that is not a normal part of their vocabulary. For example, not many 17 year-old boys would say this, “You are the most deceitful person that I have ever met.” Instead they would say something like this, “You are a liar.”

Sometimes people get jealous. They worry that someone is slipping away, that they are losing their influence. They worry that they might be losing the love or complete attention of another person and when this happens, they turn to coercion. They hit on a person’s frailties, on his or her fears until they chip away a chunk of their confidence. I’m talking their self-confidence as well as the confidence that they may have in their relationship. I find this sort of selfish and destructive behavior disgusting.

When I heard the “deceitful” statement, it was clearly a case of an individual parroting another persons bad intentions. These teenagers are still figuring things out. They need a supportive environment to do that. They don’t need outside sources filling their heads with doubts. How are they supposed to develop healthy relationships if their biggest influences are not healthy to start with? If things do not work out between them, they will still take the lessons that they learned during this relationship with them. They will suspect the next person is deceitful or jealous or whatever term they throw at each other.

Sorry to be a bit on the cryptic side, but we just had a scene here that was ridiculous and totally without merit. I do not appreciate people messing with the kids. Teenagers are not property to control. They are young adults who will soon be on their own, especially when they are 17 and almost 18. They deserve the best guidance we have to give. 

Image credit: Chase Your Bliss Photography