The music at a funeral can be very emotive and I know how important it is to choose the right song. We had a question

earlier this week about songs which are suitable for childrens funerals. I found a website that suggests

Funeral Songs and Memorial Music for a Child’s Service

• My Heart Will Go On - performed by Celine Dion (Sample lyrics - “Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you, that is how I know you go on”
• In Dreams - performed by Roy Orbison (Sample lyrics - “In dreams I walk with you. in dreams I talk to you. In dreams youre mine. all of the time were together In dreams, in dreams.”)
• Tears in Heaven- performed by Eric Clapton. This song is very touching, especially as it was written after the death of Eric Clapton’s own young son.
• One Sweet Day- performed by Mariah Carey, featuring Boyz II Men. (Sample lyrics - “And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven, Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way, And I know eventually we’ll be together, One sweet day.”)
• Perhaps Love - performed by John Denver (Sample lyrics - “And even if you lose yourselfAnd don`t know what to do, The memory of love will see you through”

Music Especially Dear for the Memorial of a Baby or Toddler

• Twinkle Twinkle Little Star - available in various forms and lovely played live on piano.
• Jesus Loves Me - a popular children’s hymn.
• All Through the Night - a beautiful old Irish tune with words by Sir Harold Boulton (1859 - 1935) (Sample lyrics - ” Sleep my child and peace attend thee, All through the night. Guardian angels God will send thee, All through the night.”)

Sometimes it feels as though everything is out of our control, sometimes we feel that life is controlling us…rather than us controlling our life. But you know we can change our life, we can the way people look at us and react to us.

• We can pull our shoulders back and our chin up…..we can walk as though we embrace life rather than suffer life.
• We can smile at people when we are out and about - you will be amazed how people smile back and how your mood lifts.
• We can walk towards life rather than sitting fearing life.
• We can make a point of complimenting others and boosting their self esteem.

It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said “When you cease to make a contribution you begin to die” and if we are to start to live again then we need to increase our contribution to the world around us.

Gosh all this sounds so easy, of course it isn’t….but I do believe the more we contribute to life then the more life pays back with enjoyment.

As widows and widowers I believe forgiveness is a big part of coming through grief

• Forgiving yourself. I spent so much time wishing that I had done things differently. That I had prioritised family more than work, not that this was deliberate but I look back wishing that I had enjoyed more time at home rather than feeling tired alot. I realise now that the time has gone, that I did the best that I could, that he worshipped me and loved me for my energy with work.
• Forgiving the world for taking him from me. I realise that there is no logic why the good people are taken from us, just that death happens…..and we never know when, we never know where and that I must accept that it was just his time.
• Forgiving him. This sounds harsh and yet I have felt angry that he left me alone…..It wasn’t really anger, it was hurt because I loved “our love” and just wished that we could still be together.

Forgiveness is hard and yet to move on in grief you need to find it in your heart to forgive….after all what is the alternative to live a bitter life? That wouldn’t me, it wouldn’t be the person that my loved one wanted in his life. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting - it just means letting go of the negative and keeping the positive.

Love can be spectacular and yet when you think about love can be dangerous.

• Love makes you lose control with giddiness
• Love can cause fear…fear of losing your love
• Love causes pain when they are taken from you

Love is comforting, love is precious and yet it makes me wonder why something so wonderful can never be enjoyed without pain. So would I say it was worth it…would I want to have felt love if I had realised the danger….

…YES.

Each week I ask for articles that will help us through our grief, thank you to all who have contributed…enjoy!

Alvaro Fernandez presents Debunking 10 Brain Training/ Cognitive Health Myths posted at SharpBrains: Your Window into the Brain Fitness Revolution, saying, “Think about this: How can anyone take care of his or her brain when every week brings a new barrage of articles and studies which seem to contradict each other?”

Aparna presents Your personal bill of rights posted at Beauty and Personality Grooming.

Warren presents Positive Priming posted at GenerallyThinking.com, saying, “The environment around you can shape so much of your life, from subtle behaviour changes, to - amazingly - your biological age! Very important stuff!”

Ken Siew presents #8: Think Big, Start Small, Grow Fast, Die Empty! posted at Think Big & Think Money - Guide to Success & Wealth, saying, “Follow these 4 steps in your journey of life!”

Stephen Martile presents How to Squash Negative Thoughts - 6 Ways posted at FreedomEducation.ca by Stephen Martile, saying, “Here are six ways to get rid of that little trickster between your ears. Check out these 6 negative thought squashers.”

Emma Taylor presents 100 Online Journal Tools for Your Self Improvement & Discovery | Psychology Degrees posted at Psychology Degrees.

Craig Harper presents Functionally Dysfunctional - Part 1 posted at Motivation - Renovate your life with Craig, saying, “Far too many people inhabit the I’m-not-good-enough paradigm and that – not their ability- stands between them and their potential to impact the lives of others in a meaningful and positive way.”

Lucky Balaraman presents Finding Unshakable Happiness: The 5 Pristine Pillars posted at Calm and Cool.

Erin Pavlina presents How To Get Out of Hell posted at Erin Pavlina’s Blog, saying, “Just in case you ever find yourself in Hell, it’s probably a good idea for you to know how to get out of it.”

Taylor Coburn presents Breaking The Pattern posted at Motivia, saying, “Notice the patterns in your life and achieve your goals faster than ever.”

Jirel presents Reviewing the day positively posted at Positive and Successful Lifestyle tips.

Paula Kawal presents The Pendant Speaks posted at Journey Inward Productions, saying, “Last week my husband and kids got a stomach virus all at the same time. I was the only one who was well and I spent several days and nights rushing from person to person doing anything I could to make them comfortable. As they were recovering, I energetically as well as physically cleaned house before becoming ill myself…”

Suzanne presents Add 10 minutes of laughter to your day posted at Without Dash.

Sean Hubbard presents Your brain, use it or lose it? posted at ICANIQ.COM - Positive Attitude and building minds.

Catherine VanWetter presents To the Heart of the Matter - Inner Peace Tip - Practicing Gentleness and Forgiveness With Yourself posted at To The Heart of the Matter, saying, “What I have learned over the years is that much of the behavior we coin as a “bad” habit has actually been a very clever way for many of us to survive in a life that is sometimes less than kind. So how does one put down a habit that has been controlling their life?”

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of positive thinking using our carnival submission form.

This week saw the world lose Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, two people who were very prominent entertainers during my teenage years. Whenever someone famous dies I always have mixed emotions

1. The sense of loss of their genius - the sense that we will miss their brilliance and of course just the utmost feelings for their family.
2. Confusion how the world can focus on the death of one person, when each day people lose people their love and face death without the sympathy or empathy of the world.

Death is such a private feeling and yet when someone famous dies..the grief is forced to be so public. I have no idea how families cope with the world looking at them….but then I wonder whether it may help them? When I suffered my loss I wanted to talk about how great they were….maybe, just maybe the world grieving and talking may help your loss? What do you think?

My wonderful mum just sent me this and it made me smile…

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

…..then you are probably the family dog!

Yesterday I posted about how to start moving forward through grief by giving ourselves some targets. It was great to see that is helped Leslie  - a major contributor to this community, but I thought I would now add how I make sure that the words don’t stay on a piece of paper - how I “try” and put them into action each day.

1. I put my goals on post it notes and spread them around the house -  the bathroom mirror, the fridge door etc. This means that the dreams are constantly in my eye line and that they help me to stay positive.
2. I put my legacy as my screensaver on my PC.
3. I have put my goals into my diary….I have spread them throughout the year.
4. Near to the goals I have put photo’s up which show me happy, laughing. I have deliberately chosen photos which are just me….to remind me of the feeling of being happy.
5. I have asked my best friend to email me regularly to ask me how I am doing against the goals. I think the fact that I have shared them means that they are more real.

Bereavement is hard, and we have to find ways of replacing the depression with happy thoughts…this is how I do it….do any of you do anything similar?

Facing the future as a widow or widower is difficult as you struggle to leave the past behind. Indeed you don’t want to leave the memories. I believe we need to think about

One to lose the desire to live in the past

One to to find a desire to live for the future

It is not easy that is for sure. We must draw on the fact that we have desire when you think about it….because we desire our loved one back in our life. It is not the desire that is missing, it is the ability to use that desire to live our life forward not backwards.

You may be reading this and thinking “I can’t”, well I spoke to my friend who lost her husband three years ago and she said “Today, I woke up and suddenly started thinking about the future. I live with the pain today, the memories of the past but now with the desire to live life to the full”

If you are down today, you may want to cry…that is fine. But never lose that belief…belief will see us all through the grief.

..is that if we allow pain to change us for the worse than the loss has been in vain. Any change in your life will feel uncomfortable and none more so than grief. However, life is all about evolution - indeed in a way death is about evolution, death is required for life to continue on this wonderful planet.

We can’t stop death as much as we would all want to….I think that is one of the hardest things to come to terms with….but death is bad enough, without us allowing the loss to change us into a worse human being or a human being who doesn’t live for the moment.

Why do I write this today? Well I read a note in a card today from my loved one. He wrote

“We will never know how how much time we will have to enjoy our love, lets make sure that each day, each hour, each second is not wasted”

He may be gone - I can’t change that….but those words live on. I, myself, do not know how much time I have….and so I keep telling myself that as hard as it feels…lets not waste it.…lets be the person we want the world to see rather than the person grief can make us become.