10 Tips on Speaking at a Funeral
February 11, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Funeral
I received an email from someone who is speaking at a funeral this week and wanted my tips on how to cope with the stress and pressure whilst you are grieving. I thought I would share the speaking tips
- I concentrated on seeing this as speaking on his behalf, this was not about me or my nerves this
was about speaking on behalf of my loved one. This gave me the strength to do it…I wanted to”do him proud” - I wrote the speech straight from the heart, I thought about what he would want me to say and wrote it as if we were speaking about it. I didn’t over edit it, I just let the words flow.
- I printed it out in VERY BIG PRINT...sounds silly but if you have tears in your eyes, or your hands start to shake…then it is easier to read.
- When I first stood up…I focused on a friend who I knew would smile and comfort me…I almost spoke the words to her…
- I understood that this was emotional and that each person listening would know how hard it was for me to speak….I didn’t fear getting emotional and actually that ensured that I kept myself together. There is something in knowing that you can, that stops you from breaking down.
- I had asked my cousin to take over if I did fail - therefore I had a back up plan just in case.
- Speak slowly …and take 3-4 large breaths before you stand up.
- Don’t make the speech too long….and also celebrate the life as well as acknowledging the loss.
- I practised speaking out loud many times the night before…that way I almost knew it by heart and knew that I would not stutter.
- I spoke early at the funeral, this allowed me to concentrate on delivering a worthy speech and then allowed me to become emotional and grieve during the rest of the time.
I hope these help you if you are faced with speaking at a funeral. Key is knowing that for once in your life, each person in the audience is on your side, empathetic, expect you to be emotional…
I found your tips on Tim Totten’s blog, Final Embrace at http://www.finalembrace.com
and thought they were excellent.
I have spoken at two funerals of close and loved family members. It is difficult but ultimately rewarding to share your thoughts on those who have passed. It means so much to everyone there, especially the family members. elaine
Elaine I agree, I saw it as my chance to do something for them…my final chance to do something for them. I think when you can move from fearing for yourself, to wanting to deliver a final tribute FOR them then you can do it…
Another Thing About Funerals
Many of us are unprepared when the need presents itself, I had pleanty of life insurance on my self so my girls would be taken care of but who ever really thinks about insurance on your child? It’s not natural for a mother to outlive her child.
With that being said, and knowing that all of us are from many different parts of the country, I find this so hard to say nicely, but making those most horrible and dificult decissions after your daughter has just breathed her last breath, well you just aren’t prepared for all the paperwork involved and the hugh financial decisions you have to make.
It makes me angry to think that the “Counselors” at the funeral homes use such phrases as, “I know you want the very best for your child” and such phrases as that. What a guilt trip on top of the numbness and haze you are in at the time.
I wish I had know the laws of the state more clearly as I would have had Jill lie in state at our church with open visitation thru out the day and evening. But the counselors don’t tell you the heartfelt options, because of coarse it’s their business to sell the fanciest coffins and reccommend the highest priced florist.
Now Im not saying all are like that, but I guess what I am saying is that a family needs a person not related to their loved one or have any ties to the funeral home to help that family make those hard decisions. Someone who is there to look out for the best interest of the families that are struck deaf with their loss.
Am I off base on this one or does anyone else feel that maybe a none profit counselor for families would be a good thing to have.? I know they could have put a piece of paper down saying it was going to be $30,000 and I’d have signed it because even now it is all such a blurr.
I also have one other question for anyone who has the answer. I know that people mean well be sending flowers on stands or plants and they are lovely sentiments, but it there a line drawn there also? Jill had so many flowers that it took 2 vans to bring them to the cemetary only for them to be crushed upon each other once the grave was filled. Even tho we had requested no flowers but a donation be made to the Jill Wright Memorial Scholarship Fund at a local bank,, which many did and we have been blessed to give $1000 scholarships each year.
I kept all the signature cards for thanks yous to be sent and i still look thru them but for me, a card sent a few weeks after would have meant so much more than the$100 they spent on the flowers.
I love them all for the arrangements, and we were able to take 23 plants to local nursing homes and m mom have one that still lives on today flourishing,
And I know at a time like this you feel helpless and want to do something, anything but where is the line drawn or is there a line. I’m so confused about this and desperately need clarity.
At the funeral you don’t even really know who is there and who isn’t or remember the details at times and you love everyone for all they have done, but as I look over the pictures from time to time all I can think of is, My child was not in that coffin, her spirit went to Heaven in the instant she was called, and I see all the flowers and I think there’s 20 more kids that could have had help with their education.
Am I warped or losing my mind.? And in lieu of flowers is it appropriate for me to make a donation in the persons name to a charity I know would please them?
Anyone, anyone at all please answer.
Jackie b
Jackie b: I’m so very sorry for your loss. I lost my spouse, but the thought of losing any of my boys brings tears to my eyes typing this now. You are not losing your mind, and everything you have brought up is extremely valid. I think people should donate to a worthy cause in lieu of flowers. It seems so wasteful otherwise. A lot of times, I found out, people don’t really understand the bereavement process. Sometimes they think you’re better in six months, a year. The initial outpouring of support kind of dwindles off, in many cases, after the first few weeks. Not always.
Based on my experience, when my husband died, I had two causes in mind that I included in the newspaper obituary notice donations instead of flowers. We still received some flowers, it’s what people know is traditional — But we also had a lot of donations made to the local little league and local hospice. When my oldest son and I went to the funeral home, I already knew my husband’s wishes, he chose to be cremated, so I didn’t have the other choices you had to deal with. In my husband’s words, he wanted it economical and simple. I agree that someone should go with the bereaved person to make the arrangements, and it may be helpful to talk over before hand what a person can comfortably afford and stick with it. It is a difficult, trying time, to state it mildly, and throwing all these other decisions in to the mix can be really mind numbing. You just want it over and taken care of.
I think anytime someone wants to make a donation in lieu of flowers, that’s a wonderful idea. A lot of these places will give you a card that can be mailed to the family. Just my two cents. I wish you the very best.
I must say I am not really a flower person. I asked for no flowers and instead for donations to the local hospice. Somehow I find the fact that they bloom and die….depressing - I know that is not everone sees it but they are my feelings.
I think it is so important to have independent advice….or at least objective. I found it hard but remained the objective one for mum when Dad died, then grieved after the funeral etc
Mum has always said that made a huge difference for her….she also said that it meant the funeral was what Dad would have wanted rather than what people felt we “should do”
I agree on the cards, I loved the ones that were more inspirational and uplifting rather than the sombre ones. I also loved poetry that people sent…words can be so comforting.