5 Telltale Signs of Grief
November 22, 2008 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
I was speaking to someone on the bus today and she asked if there was a reason for my broken heart….
I was shocked and said “How do you know that?”
She smiled and said “You are staring, looking lost and fiddling with your ring…a true sign of a broken heart?”
Made me think of other ways people can tell you are bereaved, some I have to say a little tongue in cheek…
- We hate filling forms out, as we don’t want to tick our marital status.
- We keep looking at our watches IF we ever go to a social gathering, trying to sense when it is OK to run back home!
- We stare into space a lot, and don’t always realize that someone is speaking to us!
- We can never again watch Lassie without being inconsolable!
- We don’t fit our clothes either because grief leaves us not wanting to eat, or grief means that we cannot stop eating…either way our clothes look wrong….
What would you add?
Good post, Anna. These are spot on. I have one for you.
We cry when we least expect it, not realizing what triggered it.
I do this a lot. Then I realize the trigger. It might something as simple as a clerk at a store where we used to go. One day at Costco I was served by a cashier that we went to frequently. My husband used to joke with her all the time. She didn’t remember me because she sees so many people as those big box stores are so busy.
However, when she served me memories started flooding back and I had to get out of there pretty quick. I regained my composure but it was just heartbreaking.
The line about Lassie seems funny but it is true. Sometimes a TV show or song or movie will just hit you where you live. Case in point, did anyone see Grey’s Anatomy the other night? I
cried like a baby.
So that’s enough feeling sorry for myself. I’m off to brave the shopping mall today and get a head start on Christmas shopping.
Stay strong everybody. Big hugs to all.
Leslie
Leslie….you are right, so right. I cried on the bus recently when I someone was wearing a similar jacket and when I glanced I suddenly thought he was there….
I also remember shedding a tear when I put back a big packet of peas and bought a smaller one!! I had some weird looks, it must have looked like I was romantically attached to frozen peas
Oh, Anna – you gave me a LOL moment there, talking about the frozen peas (romantic attachment)! As a sidelight: I do wish that a LOT of food items came in smaller sizes.
And Leslie (Anna, too) – some tv shows are just hard to get through. Lassie – no problem. For me, the case in point is a recent story line in Ghost Whisperer where Melinda’s husband dies, then his soul takes over the body of a man who has himself just died. (Hope I haven’t confused you both already!) I always have liked the show – long before my own husband’s death – and now it seems as tho’ a writer is trying to make this somewhat personal (altho’ farfetched) for me.
Jessica I know exactly what you mean. We have a show called Im a celebrity get me out of here, in the UK. Last night they showed a clip of the trial that the celebrities have to do tonight….it was being locked in a coffin. It just got to me….I could see why that was ever going to be entertaining….maybe I am being too sensitive I realise that its just that a coffin brings back so many memories…and that is for most people. One show that I won’t be watching tonight.
Perspective. That’s the problem. The coffin has a double wammy as I am claustraphobic and my husband died seven weeks ago at the age of 43 – both of us. A definite no watch for me! I keep saying to myself and others fair depends on where you stand when you say it. It wasn’t fair he died but how fair I got 21 years of living with such love and being so happy. Some people don’t even real love. Stand on this side of love where they’ve gone and the perspective is all sqiffy to say the least. I still haven’t managed to do a ‘proper shop’ and have to hit it the shops at Christmas to try to keep my Daughters life on track- life likes to challenge the challenged the most. Not everyone appreciates it when you don’t fall apart how they expect though, anyone else found that?
Debi – I am with you on that. I hate shopping, really hate it in fact I do as much online now as possible. Sometimes I want to scream to the world, especially when I hear people complain about such “trivial” problems…..I want to scream, if truth be known sometimes I just want the world to recognise my pain…..is that what you mean?
Hi Anna,
Sort of. The last time I tried to do even food shopping I bumped into a helper from the chemo ward for the first time since Garys death in the Super Market. Trying to be comfortable and safe in my own world then some one pulls the walls down – other times I suppose it will be the ignorant checkout clerk moaning about her husband (how lucky is she!) to her mate and taking no notice of you to the point your dropping everything and just want to scream. You wonder how they can’t tell it seems so obvious and then you wonder how many times you bumped into someone, gave them a dirty look and they were where you are now. It would be nice if the world and us were just slightly sensitive to pain and not so totally unaware, just gave a bit where you need it. Guess you’d never get stronger then though? Yes,
I do hate shopping anyway so that doesn’t help much!
Anna, it’s as if you’ve been seeing me from your Angelic spot………….!
This means so much to me…………….
I’m not alone………
I’m not losing whats left, of my marbles………..If anything !
I’ll cry when I want to………….
Stay home when I want to, which is always…..
Ignore any invites out………….
And hate people trying to think I need a new husband !!!
Pray daily…………!
One thing, if I may share: My beautiful perfect milky white teeth, started to literally fall out.
By 6 months after my hubby ‘Gary’ died, I’d lost 13 of them, not when eating either, only when talking on the phone. The entire peice too, stump and all. Was referred to an expensive Oral Surgeon, who told me the rest were also on their way out. I asked why, with no pain or blood ??? He’d been referred to me from our family Doctor, therefore knew of my losing Gary, my grief & sorrow, then told me that & that alone, was the cause.
So, I’m only 52, but now have freaking dentures !
While I’m not particularly proud of them…….
I’m not ashamed that my sorrow caused this to happen !!!
Gary was the best thing that ever happened to me.
No one ever loved me as much, or cared about me as much. He was truly my bestest friend ever in my life !!! And no one, no one could or can ever replace him !! I’m just waiting for my name to be called, soon I hope & pray, but until then, just one day at a time, Lord !
Hope you don’t mind me butting in Sheila. I don’t want to offend. I lost my Gary only a short time ago. My balance isn’t what it should be and the way I feel is new and raw and may well change. How do I move from day to day???? I have to find some reason or purpose that involves him, I can’t leave him in my past, don’t want him out of my life – ever. I have decided that Gary can share my life, I can still feel his presence in my heart. He is in my future because when I die he will fetch me. When he does I want him to be proud of me and to have enjoyed the rest of my life.
Gary is the best thing that ever happened to me. He taught me I was worth unconditional love and capable of it. He gave me a beautiful daughter to care for. He showed me how to fight for every second, every breath, every memory against ant odds. To do any less for him, with him watching me? I have to try.
One day at a time is all I can manage. No one will replace him. It is only how I am trying to cope, to make sense of still having to live but it gives me enough purpose. I was lucky to get such love and love doesn’t die – if it did it would stop hurting. I’m glad it hurts because it means the loves real. He’s was worth ten times this pain for the years I had. Bit like loosing your teeth – it kind of gives you a battle scar and you need it in a way. Forgive me if I said anything that upset you.
Debi: Absolutely no offence taken ! Two wonderful Gary’s !!! Now that’s pretty cool !! You lovely lady’s have no idea how strengthening this website has been to me today !
Many thanks……………………../sjg
Gosh, such passion, such emotion, and that is why I love this site…we can speak from our hearts. I agree that it is not just the pain that we have to cope with, not just the loss we feel but also the need to look forward and ensure that we make the most of our lives – especially when we have children. I think keeping them in our lives is good when we use it to keep us moving forward, rather than keeping us in the past…does that make sense?
Dear Anna:
Boy, I wish I’d found your website 19 months ago!
If I may ask, is it permitted to share our story ?
It’s around 2 pages, but includes one very special day around the end of April, this year.
Something I’ll never forget and involved one of Gary’s 2 lovely daughters.
It does also include some precious scriptures of our Lords.
Don’t worry if not, I’ll understand completely.
Thankyou again for your thoughtfulness.
Sheila
Anna,
Past, present and future. The past is gone, tomorrow never comes – today is the present. Enjoy the gift. My today is built on a life that includes Gary – nothing can change it. It happened, he’s no longer with me – but it is fact. What gift do we give our children today?
By sharing we release our pain and gain a better understanding.
Have confidence Sheila – the worst has already happened, there is only fear left that can destroy you and you got this far. I will bet anything that you will have experienced something in your story that reaffirms what you know, that helps you move from day to day and need to share it.
I don’t know where this comes from, I expected to fall apart when he died but he gave me too much before he went and since for that to happen and I find greater joy in having had than lost. I ache in my soul and feel the loss, pain and sheer trauma. It won’t win, I will do a step at a time till I find the resolution – be it in my last breath. That is what he did. My hero.
It is the people who ‘care’ and are supposedly close I have trouble with – where were they when we fought for life, struggled with fear, illness, work and finances, tried to keep our Daughter safe and why do they now think they can take over?
That’s why I need a place like this, I know I am not alone and others get the pain, the loss the need to bare the torch.
Thanks for the outlet and chance to focus. x
Oh, touche !! Touche indeed !
As a only child, both my Mom & Dad have passed away, then my dearest cousin & his fantastic wife, had to move to Florida for his work, so that left me with 2 older cousins. They both had a crush on my hubby, then after he died, and they heard my health was bad, they came over for a visit, helped themselves to things, while I was balling my eyes out. Yes, real good family. If you think that’s bad, Gary’s family showed up, stayed for a week, then when they left, more things were mysteriously missing too !!!
Haven’t heard from the In-Laws for nearly a year (Hallelujah) & one of the cousins (Praise the Lord). The other one e-mails derogatory notes maybe once a month (THANKYOU God)……..!
Therefore, I’m extremely glad not seeing or hearing from them, period !
Does that sound mean ? Perhaps. It’s not very Christian is it, no. But you girls have shown me more kindness in this short time, than those individuals are even capable of showing !!!
Wow……..
I’m lucky to have found you all……….!
Sheila,
I’m not deeply religious but have spent time trying to figure out a way of understanding. For example how to balance the turning of the other cheek with an eye for an eye. Forgive me for expressing this if it offends.
My basic thought is that God asks us to love and forgive not be a door mat. You can love and forgive from a safe distance, God doesn’t put us here just to take pain. He gives us the ability to choose who we want close to us. It is not mean or nasty to realise that these people aren’t good for you.
I think God gives us free choice for a reason and it is up to us to make the most of each day. Allow yourself to make choices that make you happy. Can you accept God loves you and Gary loves you? Perhaps then you can love yourself enough to try to find what makes you happy because neither would wish you anything less.
Even God in the marriage vows only asks us to commit to death us do part. By that love continuing you already exceed what he asks of us and God allows us to move forward and to choose to stay on our own or not. Free choice again.
I try to accept that responsibility of free choice lies with us, we choose our reactions and have to live with them as do others. Let others bare their own responsibility and make ours worth while. It is your life, it is a gift as much as a burden.
Hi Anna, It was extraordinary to come across this blog today. I read all the recent letters and felt so much of the grief you all express. No matter how much friends try to help, it is only those of us who have experienced it, who really know. In so many ways, I desperately want life to return to ‘normal’, the overwhelming grief to go away, to not be a bore, completely consumed by my own stuff – but that is not going to happen. There is no way through this except through the middle of it. I was married to a darling man who did all the practical things in our life. In fact looking back, I wonder what on earth I was doing. He ran our business, all the finances and I just sat on the side lines. Every day has been so tough. The hardest thing to control is the anxiety which knaws away at me all the time – how will I survive, financiallyand in every other way. What will become of me? It is not really rational, because I know that I am not going to starve. I think I am so hating the prospect of all the change that will come by his death, by being on my own. I just want everything to stay the same, the same as it was the day he went to play tennis and did not come back.
Is this anxiety just a focus for my huge grief? My grief is so big that I can’t really let it in – just in little bits.
I found it so helpful finding this site today. I know that it needs to be ‘every day at a time’. Very good to be reminded. Thank you to all who have been so open. Maggie
Thank you all for your words they are both beautiful and also in some ways difficult to read. I believe the strength comes from the love…..you cannot love as hard and as deep as we did and not be different for that love? Love is a strength in itself and I like to think that it is him helping me through….he is the love, the love is him? Not sure if that makes sense to people but I try and think that i may be alone physically in this world but the love that flows through my body we made together and that will never leave, so I don’t believe he ever leaves?
Not sure this makes sense to anyone other than my warped mind!
Perfect sense.
It might not make sense when I say I can sense him. I used to get panic attacks when he was out of my sight too long when he was ill. I haven’t had one since he went because it is like he is just out of view but there, in the next room but not in sight ,yet I get to be me without restriction or judgement.
Love is the connection, physical being alone isn’t as frightening as being spiritually alone and I’m not – but I am free to be me. If you think you sound warped I must sound barking!
Broadband was down for a week so sorry for the delay in the reply – not being rude. x