Comments on: 5 Telltale Signs of Grief http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/ Redefine Yourself and Rediscover Life after a Loss Thu, 24 Dec 2009 12:44:58 -0500 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Debi http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/comment-page-1/#comment-1699 Debi Mon, 08 Dec 2008 23:07:55 +0000 http://www.widowsquest.com/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/#comment-1699 Perfect sense. It might not make sense when I say I can sense him. I used to get panic attacks when he was out of my sight too long when he was ill. I haven't had one since he went because it is like he is just out of view but there, in the next room but not in sight ,yet I get to be me without restriction or judgement. Love is the connection, physical being alone isn't as frightening as being spiritually alone and I'm not - but I am free to be me. If you think you sound warped I must sound barking! Broadband was down for a week so sorry for the delay in the reply - not being rude. x Perfect sense.

It might not make sense when I say I can sense him. I used to get panic attacks when he was out of my sight too long when he was ill. I haven’t had one since he went because it is like he is just out of view but there, in the next room but not in sight ,yet I get to be me without restriction or judgement.

Love is the connection, physical being alone isn’t as frightening as being spiritually alone and I’m not – but I am free to be me. If you think you sound warped I must sound barking!

Broadband was down for a week so sorry for the delay in the reply – not being rude. x

]]> By: anna http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/comment-page-1/#comment-1541 anna Mon, 01 Dec 2008 16:29:56 +0000 http://www.widowsquest.com/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/#comment-1541 Thank you all for your words they are both beautiful and also in some ways difficult to read. I believe the strength comes from the love.....you cannot love as hard and as deep as we did and not be different for that love? Love is a strength in itself and I like to think that it is him helping me through....he is the love, the love is him? Not sure if that makes sense to people but I try and think that i may be alone physically in this world but the love that flows through my body we made together and that will never leave, so I don't believe he ever leaves? Not sure this makes sense to anyone other than my warped mind! Thank you all for your words they are both beautiful and also in some ways difficult to read. I believe the strength comes from the love…..you cannot love as hard and as deep as we did and not be different for that love? Love is a strength in itself and I like to think that it is him helping me through….he is the love, the love is him? Not sure if that makes sense to people but I try and think that i may be alone physically in this world but the love that flows through my body we made together and that will never leave, so I don’t believe he ever leaves?

Not sure this makes sense to anyone other than my warped mind!

]]> By: maggie http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/comment-page-1/#comment-1615 maggie Sun, 30 Nov 2008 14:15:26 +0000 http://www.widowsquest.com/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/#comment-1615 Hi Anna, It was extraordinary to come across this blog today. I read all the recent letters and felt so much of the grief you all express. No matter how much friends try to help, it is only those of us who have experienced it, who really know. In so many ways, I desperately want life to return to 'normal', the overwhelming grief to go away, to not be a bore, completely consumed by my own stuff - but that is not going to happen. There is no way through this except through the middle of it. I was married to a darling man who did all the practical things in our life. In fact looking back, I wonder what on earth I was doing. He ran our business, all the finances and I just sat on the side lines. Every day has been so tough. The hardest thing to control is the anxiety which knaws away at me all the time - how will I survive, financiallyand in every other way. What will become of me? It is not really rational, because I know that I am not going to starve. I think I am so hating the prospect of all the change that will come by his death, by being on my own. I just want everything to stay the same, the same as it was the day he went to play tennis and did not come back. Is this anxiety just a focus for my huge grief? My grief is so big that I can't really let it in - just in little bits. I found it so helpful finding this site today. I know that it needs to be 'every day at a time'. Very good to be reminded. Thank you to all who have been so open. Maggie Hi Anna, It was extraordinary to come across this blog today. I read all the recent letters and felt so much of the grief you all express. No matter how much friends try to help, it is only those of us who have experienced it, who really know. In so many ways, I desperately want life to return to ‘normal’, the overwhelming grief to go away, to not be a bore, completely consumed by my own stuff – but that is not going to happen. There is no way through this except through the middle of it. I was married to a darling man who did all the practical things in our life. In fact looking back, I wonder what on earth I was doing. He ran our business, all the finances and I just sat on the side lines. Every day has been so tough. The hardest thing to control is the anxiety which knaws away at me all the time – how will I survive, financiallyand in every other way. What will become of me? It is not really rational, because I know that I am not going to starve. I think I am so hating the prospect of all the change that will come by his death, by being on my own. I just want everything to stay the same, the same as it was the day he went to play tennis and did not come back.

Is this anxiety just a focus for my huge grief? My grief is so big that I can’t really let it in – just in little bits.

I found it so helpful finding this site today. I know that it needs to be ‘every day at a time’. Very good to be reminded. Thank you to all who have been so open. Maggie

]]> By: Debi http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/comment-page-1/#comment-1632 Debi Sun, 30 Nov 2008 09:58:07 +0000 http://www.widowsquest.com/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/#comment-1632 Sheila, I'm not deeply religious but have spent time trying to figure out a way of understanding. For example how to balance the turning of the other cheek with an eye for an eye. Forgive me for expressing this if it offends. My basic thought is that God asks us to love and forgive not be a door mat. You can love and forgive from a safe distance, God doesn't put us here just to take pain. He gives us the ability to choose who we want close to us. It is not mean or nasty to realise that these people aren't good for you. I think God gives us free choice for a reason and it is up to us to make the most of each day. Allow yourself to make choices that make you happy. Can you accept God loves you and Gary loves you? Perhaps then you can love yourself enough to try to find what makes you happy because neither would wish you anything less. Even God in the marriage vows only asks us to commit to death us do part. By that love continuing you already exceed what he asks of us and God allows us to move forward and to choose to stay on our own or not. Free choice again. I try to accept that responsibility of free choice lies with us, we choose our reactions and have to live with them as do others. Let others bare their own responsibility and make ours worth while. It is your life, it is a gift as much as a burden. Sheila,

I’m not deeply religious but have spent time trying to figure out a way of understanding. For example how to balance the turning of the other cheek with an eye for an eye. Forgive me for expressing this if it offends.

My basic thought is that God asks us to love and forgive not be a door mat. You can love and forgive from a safe distance, God doesn’t put us here just to take pain. He gives us the ability to choose who we want close to us. It is not mean or nasty to realise that these people aren’t good for you.

I think God gives us free choice for a reason and it is up to us to make the most of each day. Allow yourself to make choices that make you happy. Can you accept God loves you and Gary loves you? Perhaps then you can love yourself enough to try to find what makes you happy because neither would wish you anything less.

Even God in the marriage vows only asks us to commit to death us do part. By that love continuing you already exceed what he asks of us and God allows us to move forward and to choose to stay on our own or not. Free choice again.

I try to accept that responsibility of free choice lies with us, we choose our reactions and have to live with them as do others. Let others bare their own responsibility and make ours worth while. It is your life, it is a gift as much as a burden.

]]> By: Sheila Joyce Gibbs http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/comment-page-1/#comment-1660 Sheila Joyce Gibbs Sun, 30 Nov 2008 00:00:16 +0000 http://www.widowsquest.com/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/#comment-1660 Oh, touche !! Touche indeed ! As a only child, both my Mom & Dad have passed away, then my dearest cousin & his fantastic wife, had to move to Florida for his work, so that left me with 2 older cousins. They both had a crush on my hubby, then after he died, and they heard my health was bad, they came over for a visit, helped themselves to things, while I was balling my eyes out. Yes, real good family. If you think that's bad, Gary's family showed up, stayed for a week, then when they left, more things were mysteriously missing too !!! Haven't heard from the In-Laws for nearly a year (Hallelujah) & one of the cousins (Praise the Lord). The other one e-mails derogatory notes maybe once a month (THANKYOU God)........! Therefore, I'm extremely glad not seeing or hearing from them, period ! Does that sound mean ? Perhaps. It's not very Christian is it, no. But you girls have shown me more kindness in this short time, than those individuals are even capable of showing !!! Wow........ I'm lucky to have found you all..........! Oh, touche !! Touche indeed !
As a only child, both my Mom & Dad have passed away, then my dearest cousin & his fantastic wife, had to move to Florida for his work, so that left me with 2 older cousins. They both had a crush on my hubby, then after he died, and they heard my health was bad, they came over for a visit, helped themselves to things, while I was balling my eyes out. Yes, real good family. If you think that’s bad, Gary’s family showed up, stayed for a week, then when they left, more things were mysteriously missing too !!!
Haven’t heard from the In-Laws for nearly a year (Hallelujah) & one of the cousins (Praise the Lord). The other one e-mails derogatory notes maybe once a month (THANKYOU God)……..!
Therefore, I’m extremely glad not seeing or hearing from them, period !

Does that sound mean ? Perhaps. It’s not very Christian is it, no. But you girls have shown me more kindness in this short time, than those individuals are even capable of showing !!!

Wow……..
I’m lucky to have found you all……….!

]]> By: Debi http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/comment-page-1/#comment-1663 Debi Sat, 29 Nov 2008 22:51:43 +0000 http://www.widowsquest.com/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/#comment-1663 Anna, Past, present and future. The past is gone, tomorrow never comes - today is the present. Enjoy the gift. My today is built on a life that includes Gary - nothing can change it. It happened, he's no longer with me - but it is fact. What gift do we give our children today? By sharing we release our pain and gain a better understanding. Have confidence Sheila - the worst has already happened, there is only fear left that can destroy you and you got this far. I will bet anything that you will have experienced something in your story that reaffirms what you know, that helps you move from day to day and need to share it. I don't know where this comes from, I expected to fall apart when he died but he gave me too much before he went and since for that to happen and I find greater joy in having had than lost. I ache in my soul and feel the loss, pain and sheer trauma. It won't win, I will do a step at a time till I find the resolution - be it in my last breath. That is what he did. My hero. It is the people who 'care' and are supposedly close I have trouble with - where were they when we fought for life, struggled with fear, illness, work and finances, tried to keep our Daughter safe and why do they now think they can take over? That's why I need a place like this, I know I am not alone and others get the pain, the loss the need to bare the torch. Thanks for the outlet and chance to focus. x Anna,

Past, present and future. The past is gone, tomorrow never comes – today is the present. Enjoy the gift. My today is built on a life that includes Gary – nothing can change it. It happened, he’s no longer with me – but it is fact. What gift do we give our children today?

By sharing we release our pain and gain a better understanding.

Have confidence Sheila – the worst has already happened, there is only fear left that can destroy you and you got this far. I will bet anything that you will have experienced something in your story that reaffirms what you know, that helps you move from day to day and need to share it.

I don’t know where this comes from, I expected to fall apart when he died but he gave me too much before he went and since for that to happen and I find greater joy in having had than lost. I ache in my soul and feel the loss, pain and sheer trauma. It won’t win, I will do a step at a time till I find the resolution – be it in my last breath. That is what he did. My hero.

It is the people who ‘care’ and are supposedly close I have trouble with – where were they when we fought for life, struggled with fear, illness, work and finances, tried to keep our Daughter safe and why do they now think they can take over?

That’s why I need a place like this, I know I am not alone and others get the pain, the loss the need to bare the torch.

Thanks for the outlet and chance to focus. x

]]> By: Sheila Joyce Gibbs http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/comment-page-1/#comment-1665 Sheila Joyce Gibbs Sat, 29 Nov 2008 21:13:49 +0000 http://www.widowsquest.com/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/#comment-1665 Dear Anna: Boy, I wish I'd found your website 19 months ago! If I may ask, is it permitted to share our story ? It's around 2 pages, but includes one very special day around the end of April, this year. Something I'll never forget and involved one of Gary's 2 lovely daughters. It does also include some precious scriptures of our Lords. Don't worry if not, I'll understand completely. Thankyou again for your thoughtfulness. Sheila Dear Anna:

Boy, I wish I’d found your website 19 months ago!

If I may ask, is it permitted to share our story ?
It’s around 2 pages, but includes one very special day around the end of April, this year.
Something I’ll never forget and involved one of Gary’s 2 lovely daughters.
It does also include some precious scriptures of our Lords.

Don’t worry if not, I’ll understand completely.

Thankyou again for your thoughtfulness.

Sheila

]]> By: anna http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/comment-page-1/#comment-1670 anna Sat, 29 Nov 2008 20:14:30 +0000 http://www.widowsquest.com/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/#comment-1670 Gosh, such passion, such emotion, and that is why I love this site...we can speak from our hearts. I agree that it is not just the pain that we have to cope with, not just the loss we feel but also the need to look forward and ensure that we make the most of our lives - especially when we have children. I think keeping them in our lives is good when we use it to keep us moving forward, rather than keeping us in the past...does that make sense? Gosh, such passion, such emotion, and that is why I love this site…we can speak from our hearts. I agree that it is not just the pain that we have to cope with, not just the loss we feel but also the need to look forward and ensure that we make the most of our lives – especially when we have children. I think keeping them in our lives is good when we use it to keep us moving forward, rather than keeping us in the past…does that make sense?

]]> By: Sheila Joyce Gibbs http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/comment-page-1/#comment-1687 Sheila Joyce Gibbs Sat, 29 Nov 2008 06:57:09 +0000 http://www.widowsquest.com/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/#comment-1687 Debi: Absolutely no offence taken ! Two wonderful Gary's !!! Now that's pretty cool !! You lovely lady's have no idea how strengthening this website has been to me today ! Many thanks........................../sjg Debi: Absolutely no offence taken ! Two wonderful Gary’s !!! Now that’s pretty cool !! You lovely lady’s have no idea how strengthening this website has been to me today !
Many thanks……………………../sjg

]]> By: Debi http://www.blisstree.com/widowsquest/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/comment-page-1/#comment-1689 Debi Fri, 28 Nov 2008 20:42:59 +0000 http://www.widowsquest.com/5-telltale-signs-of-grief/#comment-1689 Hope you don't mind me butting in Sheila. I don't want to offend. I lost my Gary only a short time ago. My balance isn't what it should be and the way I feel is new and raw and may well change. How do I move from day to day???? I have to find some reason or purpose that involves him, I can't leave him in my past, don't want him out of my life - ever. I have decided that Gary can share my life, I can still feel his presence in my heart. He is in my future because when I die he will fetch me. When he does I want him to be proud of me and to have enjoyed the rest of my life. Gary is the best thing that ever happened to me. He taught me I was worth unconditional love and capable of it. He gave me a beautiful daughter to care for. He showed me how to fight for every second, every breath, every memory against ant odds. To do any less for him, with him watching me? I have to try. One day at a time is all I can manage. No one will replace him. It is only how I am trying to cope, to make sense of still having to live but it gives me enough purpose. I was lucky to get such love and love doesn't die - if it did it would stop hurting. I'm glad it hurts because it means the loves real. He's was worth ten times this pain for the years I had. Bit like loosing your teeth - it kind of gives you a battle scar and you need it in a way. Forgive me if I said anything that upset you. Hope you don’t mind me butting in Sheila. I don’t want to offend. I lost my Gary only a short time ago. My balance isn’t what it should be and the way I feel is new and raw and may well change. How do I move from day to day???? I have to find some reason or purpose that involves him, I can’t leave him in my past, don’t want him out of my life – ever. I have decided that Gary can share my life, I can still feel his presence in my heart. He is in my future because when I die he will fetch me. When he does I want him to be proud of me and to have enjoyed the rest of my life.

Gary is the best thing that ever happened to me. He taught me I was worth unconditional love and capable of it. He gave me a beautiful daughter to care for. He showed me how to fight for every second, every breath, every memory against ant odds. To do any less for him, with him watching me? I have to try.

One day at a time is all I can manage. No one will replace him. It is only how I am trying to cope, to make sense of still having to live but it gives me enough purpose. I was lucky to get such love and love doesn’t die – if it did it would stop hurting. I’m glad it hurts because it means the loves real. He’s was worth ten times this pain for the years I had. Bit like loosing your teeth – it kind of gives you a battle scar and you need it in a way. Forgive me if I said anything that upset you.

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