6 Tips on Dealing with loneliness
January 27, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Loneliness, Guilt & Depression
As a widow or widower one of the hardest aspects I find is dealing with loneliness. Loneliness eats at your soul, it reaffirms what you have lost. I think dealing with loneliness is the most important aspect in a way of dealing with grief. At first all you want to be is alone and then you lose the will to go out, I know that I fight the feeling of being a hermit all the time. Here are 6 ways I fight the depression, fight the loneliness – feel free to add your ideas for us all to learn from at Widows Quest
- I find it hard to socialise so now I give myself another reason – to do good for others. So I visit local hospices etc as a way of getting out, but in an environment where I am helping others deal with grief.
- I enrolled on a course so that I am meeting people but again it doesn’t feel like socialising but about developing skills.
- I read a lot more than I used to do, that way I can lose myself in a story or learning something new.
- I try to keep sound in the house – playing music, playing podcast (You can find my podcast – The Engaging Brand – here.
- I speak to myself about what is nice about being by myself – the freedom etc so that I start to enjoy it rather than dread it.
- I telephone people much more, especially elderly relatives that love hearing a friendly voice. Again you are doing others good whilst helping yourself.
I suppose the other thing is acceptance. Lets face facts we are alone, we cannot change that! But what we can do is learn to deal with that as a fact and learn to embrace the change rather than let it eat away at our very being. 
Oh Anna, you amaze me with your topics and how they fit in my present situation, I have been having discussions with myself (yes I answer) and others concerning this topic as I relocate to a large city where I will only know four people out of over 400,000. So far I have convinced myself mentally that I will join EGA Embroider’s guild of America) since I am a stitcher and I have already researched a church which I fell will suit me. I have also been approached to help out with a non-profit that teaches basice economics to new employees at a major manufacturing firm, since I used to be controller for a small manufactuirng firm…not sure I will do all of his once the reality comes but at least I am thinking about it. I have always been an avid reader but I find that contributes to my “hermit” status and feel I need to shed a bit of my “wallflower” tendencies and force myself to meet people. I always knew that Dave was the social one of the two of us and I preferred small groups or just us and time reading and stitching, well I know now that was not all that healthy and now I must find a way to be more social. I will let you know as my journey progresses if I am successful, you have given me some new ideas to quander and I think joining groups of people who share your hobby or interest is the easiest and cheapest right now, going to school and getting another degree is a dream I still carry around however!
Deb
I agree that loneliness is one of the worst things about widowhood. I have tried to combat the feelings of loneliness by joining some groups in our local community centre. In October I joined a discussion group for widows and widowers. I met some wonderful people and learned a lot from the speakers who presented us with different topics each week. After Christmas I joined a group called Fully Alive. It tackles the question of how to find more meaning in your life and to nurture your whole being. Each week we take a different aspect of humanity and discuss how we can nurture that side of us. We will cover physical, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects of the human being. The discussions are informative and even fun as everyone gets a chance to chime in. There are exercises to do in our handbook and I love doing them. The people I have met in this group are also wonderful. I find that if you push yourself to get out and meet new people it helps immensely. I really look forward to these meetings.
Anna, I find that sometimes when I am feeling low or lonely that reading your blog helps as well. Even though none of us has met face to face it is comforting to know that we are all here for each other in our own way.
Deb, you are very brave to be moving to a new city where you know only a few people. I am sure with that kind of courage you will have no trouble meeting people and getting started on your new journey in life. Good luck to you.
Leslie/Deb if only you could see my little face, smiling away thank you – it means the world when this blog makes even the smallest difference to someone’s life. After I had written the post I was reminded of something Nana said to me once “Loneliness is a state of mind not a fact of life” and do you know that is so true…
I cannot wait to hear more about your adventures Deb as I think it will be inspirational for us all – if you want to do a blog post about how you feel about it I will post it out for others….and Leslie if you learn something at your activity sessions and feel like writing a paragraph on it then…both can send to anna@b5media.com. I know people love to hear inspirational stories from EVERYONE in the community.
I am thinking of arranging an online telephone call maybe when we can all have a natter and share our stories….what do you think?
I recently lost my wife to cancer this past February 28. Jane had been battling multiple myeloma, a blood cancer. During her second stem cell transplant she caught an infection and actually died from a stroke that was caused by the infection. The really sad part of her dying was that it was unexpected. When the doctors found out what type of an infection she had, it was on Friday, February 27. They were very hopeful that within a few days Jane would gain consciousness and be okay. Then on Saturday the unexpected happen and she had a major stroke. I had to make the decision to let her die peacefully. Jane was only 52. I am 54. We were married 31 years, high school sweethearts. The loniless is killing me. It seems that the future died with her on the 28th. Are there any words of advise? Our daughter is 20, in college a few hours away. She is doing okay. Any help is appreciated.
John
I beg you to read through this site, it shows you that there is no easy answer but it gives you some ideas of how to cope just from my experiences…and that of others. If you click on the loneliness or grief category under what is happening that will lead you to a multitude of posts. Let me know if they help or whether there is something specific….when we lose someone it is the most painful experience which is why here we try and provide the support that we all need
Hi..
I find solidarity what you write here – heartfelt thank you ! You mentioned “I try to keep sound in the house ” – I do that so often to brave lonliness – the tv is on, music plays almost non stop at home. I actively seek volunteering work – yes helping others indeed is uplifting. And when I really feel myself in pits, I cry – it helps cleanse and uplift – thank GOD for this gift
I chanced upon this one day when I googled out “dealing with lonliness” – pretty sums up how I feel 5% of the times – I am great 95% times – keeping busy with career, managing my house, social activities..But thhe 5% times when I feel lonely -coming back to an empty house, not having anyone to speak to at night – they suck out my soul. I am a widow, married again and now separated – do not know whether there is one word to sum up that status
Supriya
So glad you found our community, we all try and help each other. Loneliness in a way is a state of mind and what we try and do here is to change that state of mind. Gosh it is hard though! The desire to be by yourself can be so great, yet we need to push ourselves outside of that desire. We have to find the courage to take a little step each day, back into the world
i have beeb a widow for a month and a weekand my husband who is the loe of my life passed suddenly and unexpected and i did not get to say goodbye, i do not know how to handle this