A Good ‘Forget’ Rule For Grief
April 21, 2009 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
As widows and widowers we often want to forget, it is often the replaying of the tragedy that causes our pain and if only we could forget the bad and remember the good. However here are my taking on the idea of forget or should I say Four Get!
- Get a notebook and journal your journey through grief so you can track your progress.
- Get a diary and plan a social life no matter how small – you deserve to be happy.
- Get a few moments to think of a way of keeping their legacy alive as a way of honoring them but also as a way of doing something positive for the living ,following an untimely death.
- Get a piece of paper and write down 3 lifetime goals. Then plan positive steps of achieving them. Each of us need a reason to live.
So Four Gets to help you to Forget 
where to begin.. so many mixed feelings..husband died at home from cancer 3 years ago this may. The grief was and is awful and I do not know how to begin again. At first I was just in shock I guess,, life seemed surreal and couldnt close my eyes without seeing him sick and so small and fading right before my eyes. I had anger for him leaving me, we had just moved to a new state for retirement.. so this added to my isolation and confusion about life in general. Very hard to make friends when you are caring for a sick husband.
so no real support system in place. Then 7 months into my grief a friend of my brothers lost his job in the city and moved to live with my brother.. he was lost and I was lost,, and yes, we started a relationship. I did not really feel right about it but I put those feelings aside and figured it was better than the pain. He made me laugh etc.. People advised me against letting him move in. Said he was taking advantage of me.. Yet I let him move in. Helped him money wise, he did find work, but still did not help me out with bills. Said he couldn’t afford to pay his motorcycle and gas to work and help out.. since it was an hour to work I thought well maybe this is true..
I wanted to believe he cared and wasn’t taking advantage of me. But resentment and mistrust started eating away at me.. seems like all of a sudden he was no longer funny or interesting.. I picked on him. I found fault in his money habits.. he had many past due bills he just let go.. like tages and taxes on the bike and truck.. he wanted to put the truck in my name so I could tag it.. that way he wouldn’t have to pay his Missouri taxes.. etc.. He did not keep a check register, so who knows what he did with his money.
He did start giving me 100 dollars every two weeks after I just couldn’t afford to keep buying the groceries. HE paid his cell phone, He paid the dish tv bill. He made is motorcycle payments.. So he mangaed to pay what was important to him,, and nothing else mattered.. I paid all the household bills and yes I guess I let him get away with this. Thinking in time he would get his act together.. but after two years and seeing no progress I got fed up. Kicked him out.. he moved in with his male boss rents a room and is perfectly happy.. so was it me just not having faith in him,, as he so often said.. or what? He swears he loved me and he just didnt know what or how to make me happy. That he wanted to grow old with me. But it just always felt I was giving more than I got back. I never could see a future with a guy who had such bad credit, and didn’t really seem to care about making the credit problems better.. Was it doomed because I was warned that he was taking advantage because I was a widow? Something I could never get out of my head.
Will I ever trust again.. didn’t trust him so why did I do any of this?
Why can’t I let it go,, and why can’t I figure out what to do with my life?
I feel very lost..
Barb – gosh were do I start…
Without knowing both of you these of are the questions that I would ask
1) Were you in love or in love with being with someone?
2) I believe relationships thrive when the values are the same, you may have different interests, different personalities but the values have to be the same…in this case they sound different?
3) Maybe you are not ready to trust again, maybe you needed that relationship for another reason other than love. Maybe you needed comfort to see you through the pain…maybe you should see the relationship for what it did for you, then move on?
4) You know we can never understand others, we can never control others….all we can do is learn to love ourselves and trust ourselves. Spend some time on yourself and understanding what you need…
5) There is always the saying from my nana…whatever will be will be…if it is meant to be then you two will get back together through fate, don’t worry just let life take its course…
Watch out for our next monthly online support group that may help as well?
Anna