A Widow Needs Our Help
August 8, 2007 by Anna Farmery
Filed under Grief
My heart went out to this comment on the post called Gaining Control of Your Depression Nann says
“Lost husband of 35 years and so depressed and live in area that has no one to talk to unless drive over 150 miles. House is quiet, withdrawing from people and feel like it would be better just to end it and then think of family and how tragic but how to you get over this awful pit in your stomach when you were a caregiver for over 3 years to your spouse.”
I would love us all reach out and help, as we have all suffered the same depression, the same feeling of not knowing how we will cope with the future. Here are 3 questions that I ask
- Can you join grief groups on the internet…like at Yahoo Groups…so that you have on line friends that understand how you feel?
- What is one thing that you have always dreamed about doing….a place you want to visit, a course you would like to take, a hobby you would like to start? This would give you a focus and also help you meet people?
- You are suffering from loss but also your day had been filled with caring for someone…what about getting a pet to fill that gap, to hug you when you need it, to love you for who you are?
The key is keep reading..read through the archives and see how many ups and downs I have had! Read through and see all the tips and tricks I have used over the months. Remember, there are people who care…including Widows Quest…we are here to help, we want you to pull through…we care….
I have been reaching into my heart to find something to comfort you.
We have all had rich and varied lives, and this is a new position we are in now.
My children also live pretty far away. I talk to them often but I am in one stage of life and they are in the full bloom of it.
My antidote of reinventing myself as an elder has been that I have discovered blogging. It is my new friend and interest. We have much to offer the younger generation in wisdom and experience. Not particurlarly to our own family but to the Univriverse of the Internet. It is vast and they are listening.
Although you are far away, there are so many of us in the same situation. I feel the problem is not accepting that we are at the beginning of the end. We have made so many contributions and not being needed is so hard to face.
Life has not prepared us for this stage.
The only comfort I can offer is that you are not alone. We have somehow, perhaps with God’s help, to accept that we have lived and we are still doing it. So, there seems to be some reason for it.
Warmly and joining with you – My personal email is miraclecor@aol.com
Corinne Edwards
What wonderful words and I hope they help many people. Finding that new path can be so difficult but also so worthwhile. My mum is 77 now and although she still struggles with the loss of my dad, she has found a new life….which gives hope to all.
I felt alone, like I think we all have when we have lost our spouse. I have friends and family close to me, and I still felt alone because I did not have anyone around me that understood what I am going through. The internet has helped with that immensely because you can communicate with people millions of miles away, and there are so many sites out there that can help us through a tragedy like this one. There are also many books to help you through the grieving process, I fund one called “I wasn’t ready to say goodbye” and it helped me understand what I m going through and all the feelings I have had and still have. I know the first instinct is to retract from everything and everyone. It helped me to create a memorial for him online that I and others can visit any time. Also reaching out to others might help, sometimes helping others in turn helps you.
About 3 years ago I dropped into a black hole – four months of absolute terror. I wanted to end my life, but somehow [Holy Spirit], I reached out to a friend who took me to hospital. I had three visits [hospital] in four months – I actually thought I was in hell. I imagine I was going through some sort of metamorphosis [mental, physical & spiritual]. I had been seeing a therapist [1994] on a regular basis, up until this point in time. I actually thought I would be locked away – but the hospital staff was very supportive [I had no control over my process]. I was released from hospital 16th September 2004, but my fear, pain & shame had only subsided a little. I remember this particular morning waking up [home] & my process would start up again [fear, pain, & shame]. No one could help me, not even my therapist [I was terrified]. I asked Jesus Christ to have mercy on me & forgive me my sins. Slowly, all my fear has dissipated & I believe Jesus delivered me from my “psychological prison.” I am a practicing Catholic & the Holy Spirit is my friend & strength; every day since then has been a joy & blessing. I deserve to go to hell for the life I have led, but Jesus through His sacrifice on the cross, delivered me from my inequities. John 3: 8, John 15: 26, are verses I can relate to, organically. He’s a real person who is with me all the time. I have so much joy & peace in my life, today, after a childhood spent in orphanages . God LOVES me so much. Fear, pain, & shame, are no longer my constant companions. I just wanted to share my experience with you [Luke 8: 16 – 17].
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
Micky
Thank you for sharing your story. Faith is such a wonderful thing…whatever your faith it can pull you through the bad times…I hope that now you can find peace, forgive yourself and find happiness
Anna
I get feelings of total emptiness and worthlessness. I know that I need to pull myself out of it. So I went to a grief support group for the first time. Even though there were only three of us there, I came away with a new understanding of myself: the need to let myself feel.
It is important to let yourself feel the feelings becasue if you keep stuffing them down inside, healing can’t begin. I “let” myself feel for 10 mintues or so when I journal every day. Sometimes I need to several times a day.
When you journal these feelings just let your pen go. It always seems to know what you need to say. If it starts out just describing your day thats a good start. Eventually you will relax enough to let the feelings flow.
When you are done, put it away and do something nice for yourself. It has helped me so much and I hope it can help someone else as well.
Shari Said:
It is important to let yourself feel the feelings becasue if you keep stuffing them down inside, healing can’t begin. I “let” myself feel for 10 mintues or so when I journal every day. Sometimes I need to several times a day.
Dear Shari
I can relate to your process. I had years of counselling (1994) where my counsellor encouraged me to feel my fear, pain, anger, grief and shame (feelings I had suppressed from my childhood). I attended an anger workshop for 4 years, which helped me to express my anger (child abuse & abandonment) in an appropriate setting. My process was quite painful and it was only through the grace of God (previous post) that I was delivered. I did a year of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing), which really brought up the TERROR (unconscious) from my childhood (orphanages). One can only be totally free when one faces ones demons? I was prepared to face my demons with God’s help (there is no other way). Today I am the person; I always wanted to be – a child of God. I have so much joy and peace in my life, today. Praise the Lord!! You will be in my prayers, Shari!
I, MICKY, AM A GIFT TO ALL PEOPLE!!